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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 49,354

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The Ultimate Manliness Test!

Step 1. Go to Target and buy a solid black women's v-neck t-shirt and a tube of Maybelline Nude Lust lipstick. (This shade is nearly invisible on your lips.)

Step 2. Put both of them on.

Step 3. Go to the supermarket you usually shop at wearing these items and purchase a six-pack of Bud Light, a fifth of Jack Daniel's, two steaks, two lobster tails, two baking potatoes, salad fixings, two ears of corn, and dessert. Return home.

Did you think to yourself:

a. I'm going to put everything that needs to be cooked in my smoker. It'll be great!

b. I have lost my manhood! I have fallen ill with the Woke Mind Virus! I must immediately regain my manliness by getting a huge tattoo of Our Greatest President Donald Trump riding an eagle while carrying an American Flag and firing an M60 machine gun down on the woke mob below, and then I must shoot this woke beer with my AR-15 while watching John Wayne movies. God, I hope no one I know saw me like this! I almost couldn't get out of my car for fear my friends will call me woke and never speak to me again!

If you thought (a) then you are a Manly Man.
If you thought (b) then you are a right-wing snowflake and there is no hope for you.

I don't know why someone hasn't tried this...

Apparently gun laws are bad because we didn't have gun laws at the founding of the Republic, and as we all know no one can ever make any new laws.

Why hasn't anyone tried to get the marijuana laws overturned based on the theory that weed was legal in the United States until the early 20th Century? Marijuana is a LOT less lethal than guns! It was used as a medication way back when.

Another way to send Trump to his reward

1. Cremate his corpse.
2. Divide the ashes into as many portions as all the people he hated most, plus one for each member of the Central Park 5. Put them in bags.
3. Invite all those people to go to a neighborhood jail in NYC. Pass out the bags.
4. Issue these solemn instructions: enter a cell, dump the contents of the bag into the toilet, take a giant shit on the ashes, and push the Flush button.

The upcoming MSNBC Trump Town Hall

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to tonight’s town hall with former President Donald J. Trump. I am your host, Samuel L. Jackson. Tonight Mr. Trump will answer questions from an audience comprised solely of members of Democratic Underground, liberal college professors and parents of children who died in mass shootings. The doors to the hall are all guarded by members of Los Angeles street gangs to ensure Mr. Trump stays here until the end of the session. They have given their solemn word that they will not attempt to kill each other during the town hall. Mr. Trump, you will sit here answering questions until our audience decides it is time to leave. Mr. Trump, are you ready?”

“I do not accept the conditions you have placed on this session. I will not answer any of these questions.”

“Yes you do and yes you will. First question.”

“Mr. Trump, my screen name on Democratic Underground is (inserts name). Please explain to us why you thought you could stay in office after President Biden beat the pants off you in the 2020 election, and you understood that you had lost.”

“I’m not answering such a woke question.”

“Answer the fuckin’ question, motherfucker!”

So where were the good guys with guns in Allen?

Premium Outlets is a chain of high-end outlet malls scattered around the country. They are all open-air malls. Combine open-air malls with Texans' love of guns, and it only makes sense that there were quite a few armed individuals there at the time of the mass shooting.

If you take the Second Amendment Absolutists at their word, twenty or thirty of these Good Guys With Guns should have immediately whipped out their shootin' arns, formed up into an impromptu infantry platoon, and killed the Bad Guy With A Gun who was killing their fellow shoppers.

But...they didn't. A cop at the mall killed him.

The only thing I can think of is the whole "good guy with a gun" is a myth - largely because when you need 'em, they're not there.

Public opinion poll: Will Tarrio and his co-conspirators get the full 20 at their sentencing?

"They're not shooting me for deserting the United States Army, thousands of guys have done that. They just need to make an example out of somebody and I'm it because I'm an ex-con. I used to steal things when I was a kid, and that's what they are shooting me for. They're shooting me for the bread and chewing gum I stole when I was 12 years old."
--Eddie Slovik, the only US soldier executed for desertion during World War II, to the members of his firing squad on the morning of his death

There is much joy in Mudville as Enrique Tarrio and three other Proud Boys have struck out: they were all convicted of Seditious Conspiracy, said to be the hardest crime the insurrectionists could have been charged with to get a conviction on.

This crime carries a maximum sentence of 20 years.

I suspect they will get the maximum because of all the evil he has perpetrated in his life. What do you think?

I wanted to draw a picture of a Mass Shooting Counter

But every idea I have for its appearance looks like an odometer.

Well...it happened again: the Hard Right is pissed about something else that's over.


In 2022 the US Navy, one of our finest fighting forces, decided to designate five young sailors as "digital ambassadors" to try to convince the youth of our country to consider a career in uniform. The program ran from October 2022 to March 2023, and the "ambassadors" used social media to spread the word that the Navy is a good place to work and live.

One of these ambassadors was Yeoman Second Class (equivalent to an Army or Marine sergeant or Air Force staff sergeant) Joshua Kelley. YM2 Kelley, in his off-duty life, performs as drag queen Harpy Daniels. In her Harpy Daniels persona, she looks good. In his Yeoman persona he holds the Enlisted Air Warfare Specialist badge so he's a good Sailor. (In the New York Post article they have two photos of Harpy...not too crazy about the dress that looks like it's made of racing flags, but the green one is nice.)

Today my feeds are full of the newly-hatched hard-right outrage that YM2 (AW) Kelley was chosen for this program.

Uhh...guys...the program ended over a month ago. PLEASE try to get outraged over the next thing you don't like while it's still going on, okay?

The Ransom of Orange Chief: A Quora post that continues to delight

On April 21, I was asked this question on Quora: "What would happen if former President Trump was kidnapped and arrested by a nation enemy of the United States? Would the White House do anything? Would it be a problem for National Security?" This is my answer:

Day 1:
“Hello, this is the president of Berzerkistan. We have your former President Trump. He is alive and unharmed. If you ever want to see him alive again, deliver One Million Ounces of Gold to the Prime Minister of Vietnam. After the gold is safely in our hands, we will return Former President Trump to you.”
“Hello, this is President Joe Biden. It is the policy of the United States never to negotiate with terrorists. We will not pay a million ounces of gold to get Donald Trump back.”

Day 3:
“Hello President Biden? This is still the president of Berzerkistan. Your Former President Trump is truly a pain in the ass, but we still have the upper hand by retaining him here. As a gesture of goodwill, we now demand One Thousand Ounces of Gold for his safe return.”
“Good morning, President of Berzerkistan. We still don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Day 5:
“Hello President Biden? Look, we’ll give the motherfucker back for free. What do you say?”
“Nope. We still don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Day 7:
“President Biden, I know that you are a good humanitarian man. My entire army has defected so they don’t have to watch Trump. What would it take for us to be rid of this worthless piece of shit?”
“Look pal, you took him. He’s yours.”

Day 9:
“I beg of you, President Biden. PLEASE come get this bastard. The little prick has started holding MAGA rallies in the town square. Only five people in the entire country speak English so no one knows what the hell he is saying, but we’re quickly running out of eggs and tomatoes.”
“Nope. We don’t care what happens to him as long as it’s in your country. Deal with the mess you made yourself.”

Day 11:
“Look asshole, I gave you guys plenty of chances to take this worthless fuck. Now you’re going to pay the penalty.”
“You and whose army? Remember, yours all left the country in the middle of the night thanks to you taking Trump for yourself.”

Day 13:
A very large box arrives at the FedEx terminal in Baltimore, MD. It is addressed to President Biden. When opened, Trump is in there. He was shipped with fifty pounds of whatever passes for a Big Mac in Berzerkistan, and a 55-gallon drum of Diet Coke. President Biden, with a flourish, writes the sacred inscription “return to sender” on the box and puts it back on the plane himself.

Day 15:
The president of Berzerkistan files charges against President Biden in the International Criminal Court, alleging that the return of Donald Trump to Berzerkistan violates the Laws of Land Warfare, nineteen different environmental laws and four laws banning crimes against humanity. President Biden relents and offers to pay return postage if they address the box “General Delivery, Point Barrow, Alaska.”

My prediction: Tucker starts another RW network

Tucker Carlson has a big problem: anyone who has enough money to pay him what he thinks he deserves has already fired him at least once.

So…what will probably happen, in my view, is Tucker will get the Falun Gong to advance him the money to start something like “Epoch TV” to go along with their insane newspaper.
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