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jmowreader's JournalFox Sports sweating over Kiki Hernandez NLDS Game 5 post-game interview
On Friday the Los Angeles Dodgers and San Diego Padres played a winner-take-all National League Division Series game to decide who will face the New York Mets in the National League Championship Series come Sunday. The game ended in a 2-0 shutout with the Dodgers advancing. Kiki Hernandez and Teoscar Hernandez scored the only two runs in the game, both coming off solo home runs.
In a post-game interview Fox Sports on-field reporter Ken Rosenthal spoke with Kiki and this exchange took place:
Rosenthal: "You'd mentioned that you'd been part of eight different postseasons here. What is different about this particular team?"
Hernandez: "Are we live?"
Rosenthal: "We're live."
Hernandez: "The fact that we don't give a fuck."
The word "fuck" went out on broadcast TV. Oops.
Trump makes preparations for life after November
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) — Former president, current Republican presidential candidate and member of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted Criminals list Donald Trump knows he will win the 2024 presidential election. He also knows the paltry $400,000 salary the job provides is far too low to satisfy his extreme spending habits, so he must do something to make more money.
Which is why he has become an Amway distributor.
“Amway has been making America great again since before I was born,” said Mr. Trump. “Some of the richest people in America - not as rich as me, but still really rich - are Amway distributors. With me in the great Amway system founded by the beautiful DeVos and Van Andel families, we will not only make America great again but also bring prosperity to the millions who will join my downline.”
Amway, known as America’s Worst Pyramid Scheme, bankrupts pretty much everyone who joins it. Trump believes he will be the exception. “It’s just the losers who don’t understand business, like me, who do bad in Amway. Look at Dexter Yager, the greatest Amway salesman of them all. He had mansions and jets, all from Amway. I can do the same thing.” While the late Dexter Yager was indeed a millionaire who owned mansions and jets, all those things came from his side business of manufacturing and selling training materials, which Amway distributors call tools, and running Amway seminars. Yager’s core Amway business, which enabled him to sell tools and host seminars, operated at a loss like everyone else’s does.
Daniel F Martuscello III, commissioner of the New York State Department of Corrections and Community Supervision, who will be Trump’s landlord after the election, is not pleased: “We don’t see being an MLM member as an appropriate job for a New York inmate. He won’t be allowed to do that in any of our prisons.” Special Counsel Jack Smith, currently prosecuting Trump over the attack on the Capitol in 2021 and appealing a dismissal of a case about him stealing classified documents, is similarly down on his new business. “Amway products and training materials are considered contraband in federal prisons so he won’t be able to do Amway while he’s locked up.”
Trump’s supporters feel differently; over 10,000 of them have “broken their kits” - Amway speak for joining the company. “I never thought about joining Amway until America’s Greatest President did,” said Mary Allen, a new distributor. “I’m going to be Founders Crown Ambassador before you know it!” The very rare Founders Crown Ambassador rank, Amway’s highest, requires many years to achieve and honors people who build worldwide Amway networks. Mrs. Allen’s entire house is currently filled with pallets of household goods purchased from Amway that she is trying to sell. “I know people want these great products. You just need to work hard and riches will fall onto you.”
Milton rips 115mph-rated roof off Tropicana Field, home of Tampa Bay Rays
https://apnews.com/article/hurricane-milton-nba-6647165a86aa8ed4acd8c0e16adb29dfFrom the pictures in the attached article it appears the cable system holding it up is intact, but the Teflon-coated fiberglass fabric is gone. This is important because one of the things the park is designed for is temporary housing for relief workers - they set up cots on the artificial-turf field and use the concession stands as field kitchens - but the hurricane ruined those plans.
Donald Trump debuts new walk-on song
READING, PA (Spurious News Network) -- Former president, current Republican presidential contender and convicted felon Donald Trump has had a complex history with music at his rallies. No sooner does he choose a new song, never paying royalties or requesting permission from the artists who made them famous, than he is ordered to cease using it.
At today's sparsely-attended rally in this western Pennsylvania city, Trump dove headlong into the world of heavy metal by playing Iron Maiden's "The Prisoner."
"You have to love great American music," Trump said. "This all-American band has produced some of the greatest music in the history of rock and roll since the early 1950s, and I'm proud to feature their songs in my campaign to make America great again."
Iron Maiden is a famous British heavy metal band founded in 1980.
The lyrics of The Prisoner are...well, interesting for a presidential campaign. Among them are the lines "do what I want, I do as I please" and "I'm not a prisoner, I'm a free man."
Contacted for comment, Iron Maiden founder and bassist Steve Harris could only laugh. "Maiden? American? There aren't enough drugs in the world to think that. As for his not being a prisoner but a free man...that'll change soon. And no, we didn't give him permission and our cease-and-desist order is being written as we speak."
Shohei Ohtani discusses his baseball plans for the 2025 season
LOS ANGELES (Spurious News Network) -- According to Los Angeles Dodgers manager Dave Roberts, two-way baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani is "a player the likes of which we have never seen."
After Ohtani pounded a three-run homer in Game 1 of the National League Division Series at Dodger Stadium, we sat down with him to talk about his baseball plans for his second season as a Dodger.
"I always said I wanted to be the greatest baseball player who ever lived," said Ohtani through his interpreter. "Every kid who ever picked up a bat in Little League said the same thing, but most of them went out and got real jobs and...I'm still playing the greatest kids' game of them all. Baseball's been good to me, and I hope I've been good to baseball. People compare me to such baseball immortals as Babe Ruth, Satchel Paige and Willie Mays. It's kind of embarrassing, really, to be mentioned in the same breath as those greats. I can't be Babe Ruth, no one can. I can't be Willie Mays. But I can be the best Shohei Ohtani there is."
Ohtani described his goals for the next season...which are goals only he could possibly think of accomplishing.
"First, I'm going to throw a perfect game...or, maybe, two of them. And I'm going to hit for the cycle in the same game." Only 24 players in MLB history have thrown a perfect game and no one's thrown a second. Ohtani is the only starting pitcher in MLB history and the first Japanese-born player to have ever hit for the cycle, and he hasn't yet thrown a no-hitter.
"I'm going to hit a Home Run Cycle - a solo home run, two-run homer, three-run homer and grand slam in the same game." No one in Major League Baseball has ever hit one. Only 18 Major Leaguers have hit four home runs in one game.
"I'm going to hit a natural cycle - single, double, triple and home run in one game, in that order." Fifteen of them have been completed, the last in 2009.
"I'm going to hit 75 home runs next season." The highest single-season home run total is 73, hit by Barry Bonds in 2001. The highest total by a player not embroiled in a performance-enhancing drug scandal is Aaron Judge's 62, hit in 2023.
"I'm going to hit a home run over the Green Monster in Fenway Park." Hitting over the Green Monster is very difficult for left-handed hitters like Ohtani, but it's been done.
"I'm going to score a splash hit at Oracle Park in San Francisco." While opponents' home runs into McCovey Cove are not considered splash hits, Ohtani nearly accomplished the feat in the 2024 season.
"I'm going to hit a home run out of T-Mobile Park in Seattle." The Dodgers finish the 2025 season with a road trip to Seattle. No one has ever hit out of T-Mobile Park in a regulation game, although it's been done once in batting practice. Ohtani's longest Seattle home run was 463 feet off the facing of the upper deck.
When we showed the list to manager Roberts, the skipper merely shrugged his shoulders. "He can definitely do all of that. Maybe not in one season, but...over two or three, no problem. The last one might be a little tricky, but if he can put it right between the scoreboard and the stands without hitting the roof trusses, it'll land in the middle of Royal Brougham Way."
Tesla responds to claims Cybertruck is "too ugly" by announcing something even worse
AUSTIN, TEXAS (Spurious News Network) -- "You guys all said there could never be an uglier car than my beautiful Cybertruck," said Tesla chief troll Elon Musk at a press conference in the Texas capital today. "In just a few minutes I bet you'll never say that again."
Tesla, manufacturer of groundbreaking electric cars, today announced the Model H. "H is for Homer. There was an episode of The Simpsons, my favorite show, in which Homer was asked to design a car for the common man. We have created an exact replica of that car, except that the Model H is, like all Teslas, electric."
The "Homer" car in The Simpsons was created to be intentionally ugly, and so is the Model H. "By building a car even uglier than the taxes I fled California over," said Musk, "we hope to highlight the beauty of our fantastic Cybertruck."
The Model H has many unusual and exotic features. "We put two glass domes on the Model H, just like the Homer had," said Musk. "One of them will hold 35 children, which means I'll finally be able to take my whole family for a ride in the same car. There's a Duff Beer tap on the dashboard. We had problems with this because it's hard to find Duff Beer, but we're going to build a brewery. No one will ever get a DUI in the Model H because it has no steering wheel or pedals, it's strictly an autonomous car. Just tell it where you want to go and it takes you right there. Its range on a full charge is 3600 miles, allowing you to drive from Key West, Florida, to Seattle without stopping to recharge. It also has a refrigerator, freezer, range and toilet so you won't have to stop for meals or bathroom breaks either. All in all, it's the perfect car at only $420,710 fully equipped."
While the Model H was originally intended to be a one-off creation, deposits from Tesla fans quickly overloaded the company's website - leading Tesla to announce plans to make the Model H in a new factory being built in Cape Town, South Africa. For either $10,000 or "a brick of good shit, man" your new car, if that's what it is, will be made sometime in 2026.
We contacted Simpsons creator Matt Groening for comment. "Apparently Elon didn't watch to the end of 'Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?' If he had he would have known The Homer put his half-brother's car company out of business. Yeah, this doesn't sound like all that good of an idea to me." When asked if he was planning a copyright infringement suit, Groening said, "some acts are self-punishing, and this is one of them. He offered to pay for a license to the Duff Beer trademark by giving us the first Model H, but we told him we were good without it."
If you know Photoshop and Major League Baseball, I have the job for you
I get LinkedIn job postings all the time, and this one from the MLB Home Office is looking for someone to work with baseball photos. What you'll be doing is captioning photos, transmitting them to Getty Images and the AP wire, and posting them to MLB's website and the 30 team websites.
I know how to use all the technical stuff they want, and I can get one of my Sports Desk people to teach me how to do the uploads...but the extensive knowledge of baseball they're looking for is above my paygrade. If you seriously know baseball, this would be a great job for you.
(I removed the link but it's easy to find the job there.)
Breaking: Jimmy Carter kicked out of hospice for immortality!
PLAINS, GA (Spurious News Network) — Hospice is an end-of-life medical treatment system designed to ease a terminally-ill patient’s passing. It is compassionate and highly popular with patients and families who choose it. While most hospice patients die within weeks of entering the hospice system, almost all hospices limit their services to people who will die within six months.
President Jimmy Carter, who just turned 100, entered hospice care a year and a half ago. Today, Phoebe Hospice of Plains discharged him.
“The final straw came yesterday when we caught him building a five-mile road,” said Mary Smith, hospice director. “I was driving to work yesterday and saw him driving a bulldozer. You know that great smile President Carter has? Well, the man was sitting in the cab of that dozer with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen on his face. While it’s wonderful that he was so happy, we’re just not set up to deal with someone who refuses to die. The last time we visited him, he insisted on us having dinner with him. He’d made a complete Thanksgiving dinner by himself. We’ll keep on visiting him, mostly because he’s such a good cook, but we can’t rightly continue hospice care for someone who’s going to outlive all our employees.”
President Carter was unfazed by this news. “Roads don’t build themselves, someone has to do it. Why not me? I feel fine. Would you care to stay for dinner? I put a 200-pound hog in the smoker yesterday and I can’t eat it all myself. Bring your friends. There’s plenty to go around.”
Vice-President Kamala Harris, the current Democratic presidential hopeful, today announced she plans to put him on her Cabinet after she’s inaugurated in January. “He’ll be Secretary of State. His track record in diplomacy is unmatched, and he’s probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. I think he’ll be great.”
President Harris needs to add a Humanitarian Division to the Army
When I was in 10th Mountain Division (Light Infantry) we got sent on so many disaster relief missions that people were starting to call the unit the 10th Humanitarian Division. Me being somewhat of an asshole (who had a laser printer and desktop publishing software) I even made an application form for it, which became strangely popular…somehow even the division commander, who thought it funny as hell, wound up with one. They generally surgically excise any sense of humor from generals; how this one missed his appointment is an open question.
Well…now that climate change has created disasters like Hurricane Helene, we need a real one - and this is how to set it up.
The 1st Humanitarian Division will contain:
Six battalions of combat engineers organized into two brigades. Engineers have a lot of heavy equipment. Each brigade will consist of one earthmoving battalion, one bridging battalion and one building-construction battalion.
Three medical battalions organized into a brigade.
One prime power production battalion.
Two transportation battalions.
One supply brigade of three battalions.
One attached battalion of US Marshals. They will not be in the Army but will travel with them.
One attached US Federal Court battalion, also not in the Army.
One aviation brigade containing UH-60 Black Hawk and CH-47 Chinook helicopters, two UH-60 and one CH-47 battalions.
One contracting unit to bring relief supplies into theater.
A Military Intelligence battalion that’s heavy on linguists. Very important in places like Florida. When we did Andrew we built an ad hoc linguist unit by grabbing all the Hispanic troops in division and sending them in first under my platoon leader (whose big purpose in life was learning languages - she spoke eight of them fluently and probably knows twice that many now), but they really need organic language capacity in this division.
Anheuser-Busch’s Cartersville, GA, brewery. This brewery has for many decades made emergency water for relief efforts. As part of the 1st Humanitarian Division they’ll be able to install a dedicated water canning line and dedicated warehouses so they can make this water all the time and not have to stop making beer.
Its own fleet of cargo planes and airliners. Because they won’t need to have the ability to offload combat equipment quickly like C-130s or C-17s do the cargo planes can be converted airliners. The Defense Department contracts with civilian airlines for a lot of their non-tactical transport, so being able to move those loads to the 1st Humanitarian when that division isn’t doing disaster relief would save a lot of money.
What’s missing from this division? Infantry, armor and artillery. None are necessary for disaster relief so they won’t have them. If disaster relief in a foreign country devolves into a war the 82d Airborne is still available.
Trump won’t do this but Harris should.
Breaking: Trump unveils newest and most personal collectible!
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) — Former President Donald Trump, whose primary source of income is selling ordinary products emblazoned with his name and likeness, unveiled his newest and what he calls his most personal souvenir at a press conference at his elegant compound today.
Trump Shit is an eight-ounce vacuum-sealed jar filled with his own feces. A clear label bearing Trump’s photograph and signature, along with his campaign slogan “Make America Great Again,” is affixed to the jar. The cap is embossed with the Presidential seal. It will sell for the low price of $45.47.
“Trump Shit is the finest shit,” Trump told a crowd of dozens. “No one makes better shit than me. When you buy Trump Shit you’ll have a very personal memento of me that you can keep forever.”
Demand for Trump Shit is extremely heavy. When it was posted on the Trump Store, Trump’s e-commerce website, over 10,000 orders were immediately placed. Because Trump only had 48 jars of it at the press conference, all of which sold so fast a brawl broke out among people trying to get to the table to buy it, it is estimated a purchaser may have to wait a whole week for the order to be delivered.
We asked Trump supporter Helen Waite why she bought the very first jar of Trump Shit sold. “I have tons of Trump shit already. My wardrobe is filled with Trump t-shirts. I have Trump flags, Trump coffee mugs Trump teddy bears for my kids, and my car has so many Trump bumper stickers on it my husband has forgotten what color it is. So, why not get some real Trump Shit? I am going to negotiate with the Trump Organization to be the exclusive vendor of Trump Shit, so if you want a jar you’ll have to go to Helen Waite for it.”
Because the government classifies Trump Shit as biological waste, it cannot be delivered by US Mail. Trump has contracted with some of his supporters to deliver Trump Shit in their own cars. “These loyal Americans have pledged to deliver Trump Shit at no cost to me to prove how much they want to Make America Great Again.”
We asked Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz for his opinion on Trump Shit. “When you’re as full of shit as Donald Trump is,” Coach Walz said, “why not sell it?”
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