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Tommy Carcetti

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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2007, 03:49 PM
Number of posts: 42,280

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When Joe Biden ran for President in 2020, the cynical response was...

...that he had spent 44 years in Washington--38 in the Senate--and supposedly nothing to show for it.

Of course, that's patently untrue. He sponsored many successful bills, sat on important committees, and served as Vice President for 8 years. That's hardly "nothing."

But even that aside, I think the most recent episode regarding the debt limit blows that cynical talking point out the water. That 44 years of experience was hardly nothing. In fact, in the end, it meant everything.

The man simply knows how to get things done in DC. Period.
Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Fri Jun 2, 2023, 10:28 AM (22 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: Special Counsel Jack Smith forced to cancel planned Russian vacation

Jack Smith, the Special Counsel charged with the investigation of former President Donald Trump regarding allegations of misappropriated classified documents as well as his actions leading up to the January 6th Capitol Insurrection, has been forced to cancel a personal vacation he planned to take to Russia this summer.

Smith was among a list of over 500 American individuals who were sanctioned by the Kremlin earlier this week, thus foreclosing any possibility of him traveling to the country that is currently embroiled in a bloody war with neighboring Ukraine.

Smith had reportedly been planning a vacation to Norilsk, located in Siberia well inside the Arctic Circle which holds the distinction of being the northernmost city in the entire world. Norilsk has a population of roughly 200,000 and is best known for its short life expectancies and heavy mining and smelting of the nickel deposits held beneath its frozen surface.

Sources close to Smith describe him as “extremely disappointed” that he will be unable to make the trip.

“They say one has not truly lived until he or she has breathed the thick, heavy metallic air of Norilsk,” one of Smith’s close friends explained. “Jack was so looking forward to taking it all in.”

The sanctions mean Smith will not be taking the approximately 25-hour flight (with several layovers) to the area, not including the additional hour and a half it takes to get from the airport to the city proper via snow truck.

Additionally, Smith will be forced to eat the cost at the Hotel Norilsk—one of only a few lodging options in the city—where he had upgraded to a premium “Smokestack View Room” package.

Had his plans not been derailed, Smith reportedly had planned several days’ worth of recreational activities in Norilsk, including taking in the city’s many Khrushchyovkas (Soviet era apartment buildings), aimlessly riding the city’s street cars back-and-forth from one end of the town to the other, and a day-trip excursion to nearby Talnakh, presumably also for the purposes of looking at more Khrushchyovkas.

“Jack was perhaps most looking forward to spending an entire carefree day of fun, adventure and whimsy visiting the Norilsk Golgatha,” Smith’s friend noted, referring to the city’s monument erected in memory of the tens of thousands of Gulag prisoners who died from harsh forced labor conditions during the Soviet era.

Smith was also said to have wanted to take some personal reflection time during his now-canceled Norilsk holiday.

“He told me all he really wanted to do was to walk alone through the streets of Norilsk, huddled up tightly in a heavy winter coat, while the wind mercilessly blew snow and ice against his frozen cheeks,” Smith’s friend said. “All of this to remind himself that in the end, life is really not that much different than death, Heaven no different than Hell. But alas, it will never come to pass for him.”

With the time he was scheduled to be spending on his Siberian getaway now unexpectedly open, Smith will have to find other ways to spend his free time.

“I guess he’ll just have to use that all time working to indict Donald Trump instead,” Smith’s friend remarked. “Such a pity. Such a shame.”


Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Wed May 24, 2023, 12:18 PM (5 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: DOJ promises to give Durham Report "exactly the amount of attention it deserves"

Following the release of a report by Special Counsel John Durham into the FBI investigation of Donald Trump’s connections to Russia during the 2016 US Presidential campaign, the Department of Justice vowed to give the report “exactly the amount of attention it so, so justly deserves.”

Durham—who was appointed as Special Counsel during the Trump Administration by then-Attorney General Bill Barr to probe the FBI’s investigation of Trump’s Russia ties in 2016—issued his report on Monday. The report issued harsh criticisms against the FBI’s bases for launching its inquiry against Trump, although it did not make any recommendations for any further criminal indictments of any individuals. Durham did prosecute two individuals during the course of his investigation for process-related offenses; both trials resulted in swift acquittals.

“When we received [the Durham Report], the first thing I heard from my superiors was, ‘This is going straight to the circular file!’” noted one DOJ official.

“Er, um…circulating file,” the official quickly corrected himself with a nervous laugh. “You know, a file that, uh, circulates around the office, so everyone can get a chance to read it and be all like, ‘Oh! Wow! This is such a well-written report!’ I mean…that works, right? Yes? No?”

Critics of the Durham Report have criticized it as a blatant effort to whitewash concerns about the relationship the 2016 Trump campaign appeared to have with numerous individuals and incidents associated with the Russian government, including a campaign meeting with Russian officials offering to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton, Trump’s campaign manager providing Kremlin oligarchs with polling data, and Trump himself on live television appearing to encourage Russian hackers to infiltrate Clinton’s campaign computer data.

Some within the DOJ, however, were slightly more charitable towards Durham’s efforts.

“John’s like one of those terminally ill Make-a-Wish kids whose dream it is to be a major league baseball player,” one source said. “So they give him a uniform, bring him out onto the field, soft toss him a few balls during batting practice, the whole shebang. I mean, no way in hell do they actually bring him into a real game--because that would be absurd--but you do what you have to do to make him feel good about himself in what is otherwise a terrible, terrible situation for him.”

Others angled for more of a constructive criticism type of approach.

“Four years and seven million dollars later, and what did we get?” a DOJ official said. “Well, we got a grand total of two trials where the respective juries took about as much time to decide the cases were nonsense as one would take to watch an episode of HGTV’s House Hunters. So, in other words, you had a grand total of 24 people who were deprived of the opportunity to see if John and Sally from Omaha decide to go with the suburban new build, or that classic craftsman right in the heart of the city. And that’s a shame. But, hey, I guess the man tried. Can’t fault him there, right?”

A few in the DOJ went so far as to compliment Durham’s choice of font for his report, and praised him on his spelling and grammar proofreading abilities.

“306 pages and not once—not once!--does he end a single sentence with a preposition,” one individual remarked. “Sure, the ultimate legacy of Durham’s report may be that it was nothing more than a bald-faced attempt to re-write history and manufacture an alternate narrative that a major party’s presidential campaign wasn’t actually blatantly corrupted by a hostile foreign power. But at least his ninth-grade English teacher has something to be proud of…err, I mean…something of which to be proud.”

At least one high-ranking official within the DOJ went on record finding that the Durham Report could prove very useful in the end.

“I promise you this, I fully intend give the Durham Report the proper weight that it deserves,” the official said. “I mean that literally. It will be a wonderful paper weight for my desk. The stupid thing works absolutely beautifully for that purpose.”


Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Tue May 16, 2023, 11:45 AM (19 replies)

Message to all non-Floridians on this website:

We're 1) very aware of the problem, and we're 2) working our hardest to fix it.

Now, put down the Bugs Bunny gifs and tired "FloriDUH" references for right now, m'kay?

Thank you.
Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Mon May 15, 2023, 12:14 PM (93 replies)

The most critical thing to remember when it comes to Trump's statements about the Georgia election:

Whether it was his original statement to Raffensperger asking him to "find 11,780 votes" or his recent statement at the CNN Town Hall that Raffensperger "owed him votes."

Keep this in mind:

Trump has never claimed a Trump undervote in Georgia.

He's always thrown out these wild crazy, unsubstantiated fantasies of ballot stuffing and dead/underaged votes all to Biden's benefit.

But what he hasn't been saying is that there are supposedly thousands upon thousands of Trump votes out there that for whatever reason were never actually counted.

So why is this important?

Well, it's because his likely defense to any charges in Georgia is that he was just engaging in some sort of wishful thinking with Raffensperger, that maybe by re-opening the vote count he would miraculously happen upon enough votes for him to win, but they would never know if they never re-opened the vote.

But that's not what his claims are.

He told Raffensperger to "find" the votes full knowing in his heart that there were never any Trump votes for them to find, and he never claimed there were votes for him to find.

He wanted Raffensperger to commit fraud and make up a vote count, plain and simple.

It's not any more complicated than that.
Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Fri May 12, 2023, 01:38 PM (0 replies)

Trump's a malignant narcissist. DeSantis is a vindictive sadist. But then there's this guy...

...and for the life of me, I can't seem to put my finger on what his major malfunction is, but goddamn does he ever creep me the hell out.

I'm talking about Christopher Rufo, the brainchild of the nationwide Critical Race Theory scaremongering, who was recently assigned by DeSantis to essentially "fix" Florida's New College, an erstwhile respected honors institution within the Florida state university system.

Everything about the guy just skeeves me out on a visceral level, down to minute details on his Twitter profile. Like the pseudo-sepia colored profile picture that makes you think he belongs somewhere back in the 1860s, to the crossed swords emoji alongside his name that gives you the impression he's some knight in some secret medieval order during the Crusades.

He's fairly young--only 38--and unlike a Cro-Magnon like Trump, speaks in full sentences and multisyllabic words. That gives off the false impression that he's intelligent and well-spoken, thus affording him a false sense of authority among his acolytes.

But I don't know what it is, the way he issues these cold, emotionless fiat-type pronouncements on Twitter makes my skin crawl.

Take for example yesterday, addressing the New College Board meeting where five professors were unceremoniously stripped of their tenure, causing one dissenting board member to walk out.



On the accompanying video, he's not actually physically present at the board meeting but can be seen virtually projected up on the screen behind the meeting, like some sort of deranged Wizard of Oz. When the meeting ends as Dr. Lepinski (the dissenting board member) walks out, he just casually throws out a goodbye wave.

But the way this guy talks--how he has this cold, detached glee in a desire to dismantle Florida's public university system as it exists now and replace it with some bizarre, bastardized ultra-conservative curriculum in his own vision....it's just unsettling on a very real level.

Maybe he's a psychopath. Maybe he's just a plain old fascist. But he's just so incredibly...icky in his mannerism. Probably the only other person comparable in my mind is Stephen Miller--just someone who gets off with this very brainwashed jackboot authoritarianism and toying with the existing order to satisfy his own selfish ideological desires.

Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Thu Apr 27, 2023, 11:02 AM (7 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: Fox News to debut new primetime show, "Test Signal Pattern Tonight"

Following the sudden departure of top-rated Fox News primetime host Tucker Carlson--reportedly terminated in the wake of the gargantuan $787 million settlement entered into with Dominion Voting Systems to resolve that company's defamation lawsuit against the network--Fox News officials made haste to announce an immediate replacement for Carlson's program.

"We'd like to welcome the newest addition to the Fox News primetime family," a network official announced during a press conference at Fox's New York Headquarters. "Specifically, SMPTE color bars will continue to provide viewers with the fair and balanced coverage that Fox has been known for over the past 27 years."

Network officials say the brightly colored test pattern--containing vertical bars of gray, yellow, cyan, green, magenta, red, and blue--will "dazzle and delight" viewers during the 8 pm Eastern hours. The pattern will be accompanied by a constant, monotoned signal frequency sound, interrupted only for commercial breaks featuring spots for Mike Lindell's MyPillow products and erectile dysfunction treatments.

One factor proved more vital than all others in the decision to replace Carlson with a Test Pattern Signal.

"One longtime criticism of Fox is that it has not had enough people of color as program hosts," the network official explained. "So we figured, fine. We'll play ball. You want a person of color as host? Well then, try seven colors! That will shut everyone right up."

As for the incessant blaring signal sound that will go along with the signal bars for the duration of the program, network officials said it would be "left up to the viewer's imagination" as to what news or commentary might be reported underneath the long beeping sound.

"So long as whatever the viewer happens to be thinking doesn't cost us another couple of hundred millions of dollars," the official continued. "Lord knows we can't afford any more hits right know."


Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Mon Apr 24, 2023, 02:16 PM (14 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: Man convicted in January 6th attack makes unconventional offer to Clarence Thomas

A man recently convicted in the January 6, 2021 insurrection at the U.S. Capitol has made a rather unique and unconventional offer to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, which he hopes will lead to a “mutually beneficial friendship” between the two of them.

Paul Franklin, 52, of Uniontown, Pennsylvania, was convicted by a District of Columbia court last December of trespassing, disorderly conduct and public urination as it relates to his involvement in the January 6th attacks and was sentenced to 60 days in prison, but has subsequently appealed that conviction.

Franklin says he has vowed to “take it all the way to the Supreme Court, if necessary.” And with that newly minted sense of purpose and dedication, he has taken a keen interest in the recent controversy surrounding Justice Thomas, where it is alleged the 32-year tenured Supreme Court justice may have received hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of luxury travel and other benefits from a wealthy donor.

“At first, when I heard about Justice Thomas, everything was about him getting trips to luxury resorts in Indonesia or these exclusive retreats up in the mountains, and I figured I couldn’t keep up with any of that,” Franklin explained. “But then I heard him give an interview where he said he really prefers to spend time vacationing in Walmart parking lots, and I figured well, hell, even I could swing that!”

With that, Franklin officially extended an offer to Thomas where the two could spend an entire evening hanging out in the parking lot of the local Walmart on whatever date of Thomas’ own choosing.

“I figured if we had the whole evening together, Clarence and I could sit around and shoot the s—t all night about whatever it is he likes to talk about, like the law, or women,” Franklin said. “Of course, I don’t know a whole much about the law other than the fact that taking a piss on the Senate dais is apparently something that is very much frowned upon. So, it would probably have to be about women.”

Franklin said he would “spare no expense” in entertaining the Supreme Court justice.

“I don’t know if he just wants to stay in the parking lot proper, or if he plans on going into the store at any time while he’s there,” he continued. “If it’s the latter, there’s some cool fishing gear in there I want to check out. And it’s a SuperCenter, so it’s got a food section where we can pick up some chips and maybe a six pack of Coors to enjoy in the parking lot.”

Besides quality time in the Walmart parking lot, Franklin also made the offer of providing Thomas with “fine dining.”

“They’ve got an Arby’s right next door there, so you know what that means,” Franklin said. “Seasoned curly fries! You know Clarence can’t resist that. Nobody can! Plus, you’ve got the sauces—the Arby’s sauce, the horsey sauce, all of them! And I promise you, Clarence wouldn’t have to pay a penny for any of it.”

“I’ve got you covered, buddy,” he added.

Still unclear was the matter of overnight accommodations, although Franklin insisted he would arrange for that as well.

“Now, I’m not sure if Clarence is planning on bringing an RV to the Walmart lot like a lot of the folks do,” he noted. “But if not, my buddy Tommy is the night manager over at the Holiday Inn Express, and he can hook him up with a sweet room up there on the second floor, completely free of charge.”

“Of course, I don’t mean an actual suite,” Franklin quickly added. “To be honest, I don’t think Tommy wants to attract any undue suspicion like that. I just mean ‘sweet’—as in it’s a really nice room. Like halfway between the elevators and the ice machine. Super convenient. But Clarence, I’m telling you now. We’re not talking about some basic, no-thrills Super 8 or anything. You’re going to be getting the entire Holiday Inn Express experience. Free breakfast, complimentary wi-fi, even a pool that’s open until 10 pm every night!”

Franklin did concede that if Justice Thomas was a stickler for “true luxury style accommodations,” there was a Hampton Inn just down the street and he would simply have to “bite the bullet, so to speak.”

While Franklin’s offer was technically made specifically directly to Justice Thomas alone, he added that Justice Thomas’ wife Virginia was very much welcome to accompany him to the parking lot soiree as well.

“I’ve heard about Ginnie, and it sounds like we have a lot in common,” Franklin said. “Well, maybe not everything in common. Whereas she and her husband may reside in a 5,000 square foot mansion in Northern Virginia, I myself live in a two-bedroom apartment directly facing the Pennsylvania Turnpike. But on the other hand, she and I both believe that the 2020 election was a complete sham and that its results should have been overturned by any and all means possible. So, in that respect, I think we pretty much see eye-to-eye, right?”

Notably, Justice Thomas was not the only high-profile political figure that Franklin made overtures towards.

“I told Donald [Trump] that an 18-hole round is entirely on me,” Franklin said. “No, I don’t actually have any connections to any courses in the area, but that mini-golf place over there on Farm Road? He can have at it on my dime. Besides, we all know putting’s the most important part of the game, anyways.”

“Just so sure as he doesn’t forget about that little pardon thingie once he gets re-instated back into office,” he emphasized.


Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Mon Apr 10, 2023, 11:52 AM (18 replies)

He's actually hating this. Don't be fooled.

Yes, much has been made about Donald Trump using his New York indictment and other pending legal troubles as campaign finance fuel.

Yes, his supporters are trying to frame him as some sort of righteous outlaw, some sort of Robin Hood, sticking it to the Man and the dreaded Deep State perpetually trying to bring him down.

Hell, Marge Greene actually compared to Nelson Mandela and Jesus.

Yes, Jesus. No joke.

But let's not fool ourselves about any of this. For all the punditry talk about Donald Trump using this unprecedented indictment to his political advantage, for all the long-winded, all-caps tweets--err, sorry, "Truths"--from the Former Office Occupant, there's one thing that's absolutely undeniable.

He hates this.

He absolutely hates every single thing about this.

Of all the images from Tuesday, one of the most indelible of all was this still photo of Trump in the courtroom:

It's rather astonishing. You see him sitting in this dark, dingy, wood-paneled New York criminal courtroom. He's wearing his trademark red tie but conspicuously absent is that trademark shit-eating smirk of his. Instead, his face remains plain, his eyes signaling considerable discomfort. He's sitting hunched over in the middle of the Defendant's table, surrounded by his no-name, two-bit Defense attorneys and a couple of uniformed officers of the Court.

And in this one picture, we see someone who once held the very highest office in the land, and who was presumably one of the most powerful men on earth, and yet he looks no different than any other pathetic defendant in any other highly publicized criminal trial that we've seen splashed on TV over the decades.

And what's worse is that while, yes, this day is all about him, it's not about his power. Because the guy who once sat at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office for four years is now sitting in an undersized chair at a plain wooden Defendant's table, and he's not the guy in charge in the room. Instead, he's literally facing a judge, a common state court judge at the trial level, and that judge is now the most important and powerful guy in this world instead of him.

And that absolutely has to kill him. The lack of power. The lack of control. For all the bluster, for all the showmanship of his private jet, of his tall Manhattan Tower, of his gilded Mar-a-Lago palace, everything about him here is centered in this fluorescently-lit, cheap wood paneled criminal courtroom.

In short, he now feels like what we have already known him to be for years: a loser.

He knows he's a loser, because he committed the very worst sin that he could ever imagine, and that was that he got caught.

There's no actual remorse for his deeds because there's never been any actual conscience in the man, but there is now a gnawing internal sense of self-pity and self-hatred because he's been forced to account. And that betrays all dignity.

Remember he teased and demeaned John McCain for his perceived sin of being captured in wartime. And while in actuality being a Prisoner of War is absolutely nothing like being a criminal defendant charged with multiple felonies, in Trump's feeble, malignantly narcissitic mind, there is no difference.

He got caught. And now he's a loser.

So yes, he hates this.

He hates every single waking minute of it.

And I, for one, can't be any happier for that fact.
Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Thu Apr 6, 2023, 10:35 AM (71 replies)

34 Felonies. Get your bottle today.

Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Tue Apr 4, 2023, 03:55 PM (0 replies)
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