The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
January 16, 2006
Cry Me A River Edition
was business as usual at Samuel Alito's confirmation hearings until
Mrs. Scalito and Friends (1) turned on the waterworks and reminded
us all just what wimps conservatives really are. Yet while the right-wing
cries about "harsh treatment," they somehow fail to notice
that The Bush Administration (3, 4) are smearing decorated veterans
(again) and cracking down on dissent. Meanwhile Chris Matthews (6)
puts his own spin on the president's job description, Arnold Schwarzenegger
(9) takes a tumble, and Pat Robertson (10) attempts to take his
foot out of his mouth. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
Scalito and Friends
Conventional wisdom would have you believe that Republicans
are real tough guys; great hulking giants of men who laugh in the
face of danger and fart in the living room of Death as they boldly
swing their nuts across the land. Conventional wisdom is, sadly,
wrong. The truth is that if you show a Republican a picture of an
Arab he'll cling to the pantlegs of Big Daddy Bush wailing, "Please!
Tap my phone lines! Take away my rights! Rip up the Constitution!
Anything to protect me from the infinitesimally small chance of
being killed by that scary bearded man! Oh no, I think I did a dirty
bomb in my pants."
That same, uh, toughness was on display again last week during
Samuel Alito's Supreme Court confirmation hearings. Alito faced
several questions from Democrats about his association with the
Concerned Alumni of Princeton (CAP), an organization formed to,
among other things, keep women and minorities out of the Ivy League
university. Alito graduated from Princeton in 1972 and claimed membership
of CAP when he applied for a Justice Department job in 1985.
Curiously, the nominee suffered several bouts of amnesia while
attempting to answer questions about CAP, but hey - they say if
you can remember the '70s, you weren't there. And anyway, if he
wasn't a member of CAP then he only lied on his job application.
And everyone does that, right? It wouldn't be fair if there
was a higher standard for, uh, United States Supreme Court justices.
But the real drama began after this exchange:
LINDSEY GRAHAM: If you don't mind the suspicious nature
that I have - it's that you may be saying that because you want
to get on the Supreme Court; that you're disavowing this now because
it doesn't look good. And really, what I would look at to believe
you're not - and I'm going to be very honest with you - is: How
have you lived your life? Are you really a closet bigot?
ALITO: I'm not any kind of a bigot. I'm not.
GRAHAM: No, sir, you're not. And you know why I believe
that? Not because you just said it - but that's a good enough
reason - because you seem to be a decent, honorable man. ... Judge
Alito, I am sorry that you've had to go through this. I am sorry
that your family has had to sit here and listen to this.
Boy, that's some tough questioning right there. I'm glad Republican
senators are taking this "advice and consent" thing seriously.
But anyway, once Graham was done inserting his nose into the nominee's
anus, Alito's wife, perhaps literally bored to tears, broke
down and had to be escorted from the room. And the next thing
you know, Republicans were fighting each other to see who could
get in front of a TV camera first to blame the Democrats for making
Mrs. Scalito cry. Gee, I bet that wasn't planned in advance.
Of course, the ever fair-and-balanced media promptly took it upon
themselves to rain
contempt upon the Democrats for being such horrible worrible
meanies. CNN's Ed Henry said Democrats were "hitting below
the belt." CBS's Gloria Borger pulled out the old "some
say" card, noting that "some say" Democrats "went
over the line." (Who say, Gloria? You say?) Meanwhile, Fox News
ran a segment lovingly entitled "Will vicious Dems pay for
driving Alito's wife to tears?"
So much for Republicans being tough guys. One sharp glance from
Ted Kennedy and they fall to pieces.
Time was that the Senate was supposed to give serious consideration
to the president's judicial nominees, but these days it seems that
the GOP prefers abuse and contempt over advice and consent.
Here's what Sen. Lindsay Graham told Sam Alito during the first
day of hearings:
I don't know what kind of vote you're going to get, but you'll
make it through. It's possible you could talk me out of voting
for you, but I doubt it. So I won't even try to challenge you
along those lines.
It's not much of a surprise that a Republican senator would say
something like that to a Republican president's judicial nominee,
but perhaps it's a little more surprising when you find out that
"Graham is one of a group of Republicans who have been coaching
Alito behind the scenes," according
to the Village Voice. Apparently Graham joined a "moot
court session" at the White House, where Alito was undergoing
training for his confirmation hearings.
Yes, a Senate Judiciary Committee member was helping to coach a
nominee who was about to come before the Committee for appraisal.
Kinda makes you wonder whether they had any conversations about
how great it would look if Mrs. Scalito had a little emotional outburst...
Not so long ago, conservatives hit upon a clever strategy:
they decided to demonstrate their support for the troops by denigrating
the service of Democratic veterans. Yes - I know it sounds strange,
but they tried it against John Kerry, and with the help of their
buddies in the mainstream media, it worked.
And now they're at it again. Last week an arm of Brent Bozell's
Media Research Center, the Cybercast News Service, suggested
that Congressman John Murtha did not really earn his two purple
hearts. In case you didn't know, Murtha is a former Parris Island
drill instructor and 37-year veteran of the Marine Corps. According
to Wikipedia, he "volunteered for service in Vietnam in
1966-67, receiving the Bronze Star with Combat 'V', two Purple Hearts
and the Vietnamese Cross of Gallantry. He retired from the Reserves
as a colonel in 1990, receiving the Navy Distinguished Service Medal."
He also happens to be of the opinion that Bush has screwed up royally
in Iraq - and that has earned him the honor of being slandered
on the House floor (Jean Schmidt: "cowards cut and run")
and having his service to his country disparaged.
But it's not just the disgusting specimens at the Media Research
Center who are attempting to slime him - it was revealed last week
that "the Bush administration recently asked high ranking military
leaders to denounce Congressman John Murtha," according
to the Huffington Post. Apparently these military leaders have
so far refused.
You know, every week I think the Bush administration can't possibly
sink any lower - and every week they manage to outdo themselves.
Case in point: last week it was revealed that a provision in
the new Patriot Act would allow the Bush administration to charge
people as "disruptors" for protesting at presidential
Yup, from the administration that brought you town hall meetings
requiring a loyalty oath to get in comes an attempt to legally crack
down on protesters at public events.
Previously the Secret Service could only charge people who protested
at "National Special Security Events." But according
to the Washington Post, the new bill "adds language
prohibiting people from 'willfully and knowingly' entering a restricted
area 'where the President or other person protected by the Secret
Service is or will be temporarily visiting.'" Yes, if you were
thinking about making an anti-Bush statement at an event where Our
Great Leader will be in attendance, think again - unless you want
to face up to a year in prison.
And on we merrily sail, waving goodbye to our rights as they float
past in the opposite direction...
Last week George W. Bush "told a veterans group that voters
should punish any Democrat whose Iraq War rhetoric gives 'comfort
to our adversaries.' He said 'loyal opposition' is one thing, but
defeatism is another," according
to the Associated Press.
Perhaps George could define "loyal opposition" for us.
After all, we wouldn't want to accidentally give comfort to our
adverseries by voicing our opinions on his Iraq venture.
Should the "loyal opposition" sound something like this?
You know, I'm not sure that George Bush did a very good job
of planning post-war scenarios in Iraq. And I'm not entirely comfortable
with this whole "wiretapping without a warrant" thing.
Nah. That's probably a bit harsh. What about this?
Boy, I sure am glad that George W. Bush is in charge. The world
is so much safer since he became president.
Better, but it still doesn't seem quite "loyal" enough.
Wait, I got it!
Dear George, ah wish ah cud quit yew.
The moon-faced champion of late-afternoon/early-evening cable
news shoutfests put
forth an interesting theory last week: that breaking the law
is, in fact, part of the president's job. I'm not making this up
- here's the transcript:
MATTHEWS: We're under attack on 9-11. A couple of days
after that, if I were president of the United States and somebody
said we had the ability to check on all the conversations going
on between here and Hamburg, Germany, where all the Al Qaeda people
are, or somewhere in Saudi [Arabia], where they came from and
their parents are, and we could mine some of that information
by just looking for some key words like "World Trade Center" or
"Pentagon," I'd do it.
RUSSELL TICE: Well, you'd be breaking the law.
MATTHEWS: Yeah. Well, maybe that's part of the job.
Yeah. Well, maybe Matthews is an idiot. How the hell did we get
here? Back in 1974 Richard Nixon was forced out of office for breaking
the law. 30 years later, the media is telling us that breaking the
law is part of the president's job. Brilliant.
We noted in Idiots 224
that, according to the Toledo Blade, "prosecutors said [Duke]
Cunningham admitted to receiving at least $2.4 million in bribes
paid to him by several conspirators through a variety of methods,
including checks totaling over $1 million, cash, rugs, antiques,
furniture, yacht club fees and vacations."
This shocking news led us to report that "Prosecutors are
now investigating the possibility that at least three of the rugs
may have been passed along to other top Republicans."
And this week, thanks
to eagle-eyed DUer "Botany," we can confirm that Congressman
Bob Ney (R-OH) has also been implicated in the ongoing rugs-for-favors
(To be fair, Bob Ney doesn't really need me to make up crimes on
his behalf. He's already in deep
as it is.)
Thanks to Mrs. Scalito's Cryfest, the Abramoff scandal was
somewhat on the back-burner last week. But this scandal is not going
away, and Republicans who are hoping to confine it to members of
Congress may be disappointed by the recent revelation that "in
President Bush's first 10 months, GOP fundraiser Jack Abramoff and
his lobbying team logged nearly 200 contacts with the new administration,"
to USA Today.
It was also revealed
that Abramoff's business partner Michael Scanlon had previously
bragged of Abramoff's pull with the White House. "Jack has
a relationship with the President," he once said. "He
doesn't have a bat phone or anything, but if he wanted an appointment,
he would have one."
All of which is a bit odd considering that White House press secretary
Scott McClellan said
two weeks ago that George W. Bush did not know Jack Abramoff personally.
Mind you, the White House has also claimed that Bush didn't know
Ken Lay, that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, that
Saddam Hussein was in cahoots with Osama bin Laden, that Scooter
Libby was definitely not involved in the outing of Valerie Plame,
and on, and on, and on, and on...
Governor Groping Austrian Beefcake was injured in a nasty traffic
accident while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle last week.
The governor had to get fifteen stitches to his upper lip. It wasn't
a pretty sight...
Just kidding. Here's what it really looked like:
That's, er, much better.
Funny thing though - it turns out that Arnie didn't actually have
a motorcycle license at the time of the accident, if you can believe
that. Tsk! What a silly fellow. But don't worry, he has a perfectly
legitimate explanation. According
Schwarzenegger, a Harley Davidson owner who rides regularly with
friends along the California coast, said Tuesday that he never
bothered to obtain a California motorcycle license because he
"never thought about it."
Schwarzenegger said he had a motorcycle license when he lived
in Europe but never considered obtaining another one after he
immigrated to the United States in 1968.
"I just never really applied for it," he said.
Ha ha! Yeah right! Very good, Mr. Schwarzenegger. I bet the cops
will totally let you off the hook with excuses like th...
What's that? They
And finally... War? Plagues? Famine? Pah. If you really
want a sign that the End Times are here, get this - Pat Robertson
actually apologized for something last week.
Of course, he didn't do it out of the goodness of his heart. In
Idiots 227 we noted that Pat Robertson had
loudly proclaimed Ariel Sharon's recent stroke to be an act of revenge
by God because Sharon had decided to "carve [Israel] up and
give it away." We also noted that this was slightly odd in
light of the fact that Pat was on the verge of persuading the Israeli
government to give "a large slice of land to American Christian
evangelicals to build a biblical theme park by the Sea of Galilee."
Well it turns out that the Israeli goverment wasn't too happy about
Pat's proclamation, and last week they decided not to give him the
keys to Jesusland after all. "We can't accept this kind of statement.
We will not do business with him," said
Avi Hartuv, a spokesman for Israel's tourism minister.
Apparently cold hard cash is Pat's real god, because after
learning that his theme park plans had gone up in smoke, a spokeswoman
for Robertson offered an abject apology. Well... actually it wasn't
that abject. Okay, let's be fair. It's the lamest apology
in the world. Here it is:
Robertson has met with Sharon at significant times and considers
him a friend. Robertson has been a life long supporter of Israel
and has continually expressed grave concern over dividing the
land of Israel.
Robertson pointed to the book of Joel in the Old Testament to
show a biblical perspective of God's view of Israel and efforts
made from people who try to divide God's land.
In the book of Joel, the prophet Joel makes it very clear that
God has 'enmity against those who divide My land.' God considers
this land to be His. When you read the Bible, He said this is
my land. For any Prime Minister of Israel who decides he will
carve it up and give it away, God said, "No, this is Mine."
The spokeswoman then attempted to blame the whole thing on "rival
groups" with a "left-wing political agenda" who had
taken Robertson's comments "out of context."
Worst. Apology. Ever. See you next week!
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