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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 223)
November 21, 2005
Swiftboat Redux Edition
 While
George W. Bush (1) makes a nuisance of himself in Asia, Republicans
at home have been on a mission to smear Iraq war dissenters. It
began with Dick Cheney's (2) attempt to rewrite history, and culminated
in The White House (3) and House Republicans (4) accusing a decorated
36-year Marine Corps veteran of cowardice and anti-Americanism.
Just when I thought they couldn't go any lower... Elsewhere, Sam
Alito (5) is looking more and more like the wingut everyone predicted
he would be, Bob Woodward (6) has thoroughly embarrassed himself,
Rush Limbaugh (7) supports the troops - if the price is right -
and Bill O'Reilly (10) has just gone off the deep end. Enjoy, and
don't forget the key!
 George
W. Bush 
Our Great Leader's National Embarrasment World Tour is really
rolling along nicely. After a warm welcome
(literally - they were setting cars on fire) in South America, George
was greeted in Japan and South Korea by cheering crowds:
... and happy, smiling supporters:
But that wasn't going to stop Our Great Leader from doing what
he does best: making an ass of himself. While in Japan he decided
- for some unknown reason - to give Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi
the wonderful gift of a Segway scooter. Yes, according
to the Seattle Times, "Bush was riding the vehicle
when he met Koizumi outside the Kyoto State Guest House in the ancient
Japanese capital." Lest we forget, here's what happened the
last time Bush got on a Segway:
If that wasn't enough, Bush also managed to give an accidental
plug to the ongoing CIA leak investigation by naming
the vehicle "Scooter 1." I mean, really. He might as well
have called it "The Indictmentmobile."
 Dick
Cheney 
Vice President Crashcart appeared in a puff of smoke last week,
briefly surfacing from his undisclosed location to speak to a roomful
of conservative fat-cats. Doesn't he look lovely in his bow-tie?
Ah, sorry, wrong pic. Here we go...
Cheney's job was to slam Democrats who have been criticizing the
administration for manipulating the intelligence which led us into
the Iraq war. He told
his fellow fat-cats that the claim Bush lied the country into
war is "one of the most dishonest and reprehensible charges ever
aired in this city."
Really?
More dishonest and reprehensible than, say...
- We know [Saddam]'s got chemicals and biological [weapons]. ...
We know he's working on nuclear. - Dick Cheney, May 19, 2002
- He now is trying, through his illicit procurement network,
to acquire the equipment he needs to be able to enrich uranium
to make the bombs. ... Specifically aluminum tubes. - Dick
Cheney, September 8, 2002
- We do know, with absolute certainty, that he is using his procurement
system to acquire the equipment he needs in order to enrich uranium
to build a nuclear weapon. - Dick Cheney, September 8, 2002
- His regime has had high-level contacts with al Qaeda going
back a decade and has provided training to al Qaeda terrorists.
- Dick Cheney, December 2, 2002
- We know he's been absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear
weapons, and we believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear
weapons. – Dick Cheney, March 16, 2003
- My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators. –
Dick Cheney, March 16, 2003
- We had intelligence reporting before the war that there were
at least seven of these mobile labs that he had gone out and acquired.
We've, since the war, found two of them. They're in our possession
today, mobile biological facilities that can be used to produce
anthrax or smallpox or whatever else you wanted to use during
the course of developing the capacity for an attack." - Dick
Cheney, September 14, 2003
- [Saddam Hussein] had an established relationship with Al Qaida
- providing training to Al Qaida members in areas of poisons,
gases and conventional bombs. - Dick Cheney, October 18, 2003
- In terms of the question what is there now, we know for example
that prior to our going in that he had spent time and effort acquiring
mobile biological weapons labs, and we're quite confident he did,
in fact, have such a program. We've found a couple of semi trailers
at this point which we believe were, in fact, part of that program.
- Dick Cheney, January 22, 2004
- I think there's overwhelming evidence that there was a connection
between al-Qaeda and the Iraqi government. - Dick Cheney, January
22, 2004
- "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency."
- Dick Cheney, June 20, 2005
I could go on, but honestly, what's the point?
 The
White House
Clearly the White House thinks that this is 2004 all over again.
Last week they manned the swiftboats in a desperate attempt to sink
Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) who recently demanded an debate on the withdrawal
of American troops from Iraq.
Murtha's certainly not your everyday anti-war Democrat - he is
typically hawkish, voted for the Iraq War Resolution, and happens
to be the ranking member (and former chairman) of the Defense Subcommittee
of the House Appropriations Committee.
Murtha is also a decorated Vietnam veteran who spent 37 years
serving in the Marine Corps. But then, when has the White House
ever been beneath smearing a genuine war hero?
Apparently unaware that these kind of attacks just don't have quite
the same punch they used to, the White House announced
last week that it was "baffling that [Murtha] is endorsing
the policy positions of Michael Moore and the extreme liberal wing
of the Democratic party."
Oh, yawn. That old chestnut?
Sorry, fellas - times have changed. Americans ain't
biting like they used to, and pretty soon the only people paying
attention to this crap are going to be you, the Freepers, and the
fundies. Hope you enjoy the party.
 House
Republicans
Of course, it didn't take long for desperate House Republicans
to jump on board the White House's swiftboat. Last week, John Murtha
introduced a resolution which proposed that:
Section 1. The deployment of United States forces in Iraq, by
direction of Congress, is hereby terminated and the forces involved
are to be redeployed at the earliest practicable date.
Section 2. A quick-reaction U.S. force and an over-the-horizon
presence of U.S Marines shall be deployed in the region.
Section 3 The United States of America shall pursue security
and stability in Iraq through diplomacy.
But Republicans, who are forever whining about Democrats "playing
politics," submitted
a different resolution which read:
Expressing the sense of the House of Representatives that the
deployment of United States forces in Iraq be terminated immediately.
Resolved, That it is the sense of the House of Representatives
that the deployment of United States forces in Iraq be terminated
immediately.
Why they couldn't debate Murtha's original resolution I don't know.
Well, actually I do know - it's because they would rather turn to
cheap political tricks than debate the merits of his proposal. But
here's
an example of how the Republicans then went on to "debate"
John Murtha last week:
REP. JEAN SCHMIDT: A few minutes ago I received a call
from Colonel Danny Bubp, Ohio Representative from the 88th district
in the House of Representatives. He asked me to send Congress
a message: Stay the course. He also asked me to send Congressman
Murtha a message, that cowards cut and run, Marines never do.
Schmidt remarks were later stricken from the record. She said,
"Mr. Speaker, my remarks were not directed to any member of
the House and I did not intend to suggest they applied to any member,
most especially the distinguished gentleman from Pennsylvania."
Odd - I could have sworn that the remark was aimed directly at Murtha.
(I think the line about "sending Congressman Murtha a message"
was a bit of a giveaway.)
So there you have it - rather than debate the substance of Murtha's
original resolution, House Republicans decided to introduce their
own faux resolution and then called a decorated 37-year veteran
of the Marine Corps a coward on the House floor. Now that's what
I call leadership.
 Samuel
Alito 
John Roberts was an unknown quantity without a paper trail.
Harriet Miers was an unqualified toady without a clue. And what
do we know of Sam Alito, Bush's most recent nomination to the Supreme
Court?
Well, in a 1985 job application, Alito wrote
that it was "an honor and source of personal satisfaction" to work
for President Reagan.
Eww.
Continuing, Alito wrote that he was "particularly proud of
my contributions in recent cases in which the government has argued
in the Supreme Court that racial and ethnic quotas should not be
allowed, and that the Constitution does not protect a right to an
abortion."
Oh yes, and according
to the Boston Globe, "he made a statement that has
startled many legal analysts: He said he disagreed with the Warren
court decisions on reapportionment, which required that voters have
equal representation."
I mean, come on. Hasn't Our Great Leader heard? All this ultra-right-wing,
racist, anti-woman stuff is just so Bush-era. Sure, Dubya
and Co. managed to ride the religious right to victory in 2004,
but it hasn't taken long for the sheen of victory to wear off. Banning
abortion is a great issue to get your rabid supporters frothing
at the mouth, but it might not actually play that well in
the real world.
Moderate Republicans are abandoning you, George! The mainstream
is flowing away from you! Sure, I know it's tough to admit it, but
be a man. Wake up and smell the coffee. America is starting to get
real sick of you and your Reagan-sucking, minority-crushing, woman-controlling
buddies. Dump this chump and pick someone who doesn't want to turn
the clock back to the 19th century.
 Bob
Woodward 
Bob Woodward, one of America's most famous investigative reporters,
was shamed last week and forced to apologize
to his newspaper the Washington Post after he revealed that
Valerie Plame's secret identity was leaked to him by a senior administration
official before Scooter Libby outed her.
Bob Woodward apparently declined to mention this earlier because
he was afraid of being subpoenaed - but now he's neck-deep in the
investigation, and as Rolling Stone's Eric Boehlert put it,
"It looks like what people have been saying about Bob Woodward
for the past five years, that he's become a stenographer for the
Bush White House."
Of course, the fact that Woodward knew all along that White House
officials were dropping Plame's name to reporters didn't stop him
from frequently appearing on television to trash prosecutor Patrick
Fitzgerald - whom he
referred to as a "junkyard dog" - and do his best
to undermine the investigation. According to the Post:
Woodward has criticized the Fitzgerald probe in media appearances.
He said on MSNBC's 'Hardball' in June that in the end 'there is
going to be nothing to it. And it is a shame. And the special
prosecutor in that case, his behavior, in my view, has been disgraceful.'
In a National Public Radio interview in July, Woodward said that
Fitzgerald made 'a big mistake' in going after [Judith] Miller
and that 'there is not the kind of compelling evidence that there
was some crime involved here.'"
And this guy is supposed to be the standard-bearer for investigative
journalism? Kinda goes to show how far the bar's been lowered since
Bush came into office.
 Rush
Limbaugh 
America's most famous gasbag has just come up with a despicable
new way to exploit the troops. (Or as he likes to call it, "support
the troops.")
Here's how it works: non-military members sign up to adopt a soldier
on Rush's website, while current military members sign up to be
adopted. Once an adopter and an adoptee are matched up, the adopted
soldier receives a free subscription to "The Limbaugh Letter"
and to the premium content on Rush's website.
Fabulous! And all at the low, low cost of $50, which goes directly
into Rush's pocket.
Oh, I'm sorry - you didn't think he was doing this out of charity
did you? Nope, despite the fact that Rush's site claims to be offering
"complimentary RUSH 24/7 subscriptions," if you want to
be able to say you've adopted a soldier through Rush's program then
you have to cough
up the cash. Because someone's got to pay for those "complimentary
subscriptions," and it sure as hell ain't gonna be Limbaugh.
Bottom line: Rush's idea of supporting the troops is to use them
as a prop in his scheme to flog more subscriptions. Nice.
 Big
Oil Executives 
The Senate has recently been looking into why oil companies
are reporting record profits while Americans continue to pay through
the nose at the pump. Of course, the obvious conclusion is that
oil companies are reporting record profits because Americans
are paying through the nose at the pump, but for some unknown reason
the oil companies don't see a correlation.
So the Senate is investigating - and they're uncovering some very
interesting information. For example, last week Sen. Frank Lautenberg
(D-NJ) asked executives from Exxon Mobil, Conoco, Shell Oil, and
BP America, "Did your company or any representatives in your
companies participate in Vice President Cheney's energy force in
2001?"
All the executives replied in the negative. Which is unfortunate,
because that very same day a newly-released White House document
revealed
that oil company executives had indeed met with Dick Cheney in 2001.
Which companies did they represent? Yup - Exxon Mobil, Conoco,
Shell Oil, and BP America. What a surprise!
 Kevin
Beary
Meet Florida sheriff Kevin Beary, who was recently
caught up in a spot of ethical bother.
It seems that as well as bringing in a salary of around $140,000
as sheriff of Orange County, Mr. Beary also earns about $45,000
a year teaching at a career school known as Florida Metropolitan
University. Just one problem - Mr. Beary frequently fails to show
up to teach his classes, and instead sends over sheriff's office
employees to substitute for him.
Beary claims that he has paid the substitutes out of his own pocket
when they fill in for him. Unfortunately they say otherwise. So
let's see... Beary's employees get to do his work for him - on sheriff's
office time - and he pockets $45,000 for their efforts. Sounds about
right.
Incidentally, Kevin Beary is also under investigation for taking
$43,000 from a homeland security company - which he used sheriff's
office employees to set up.
So, um, is this how "trickle-down economics" is supposed
to work?
 Bill
O'Reilly 
And finally, we noted in last week's edition
that Bill O'Reilly recently invited al Qaeda to attack San Francisco.
"You want to blow up the Coit Tower, go ahead," suggested
the Falafel Master. This didn't go down too well as you can imagine,
so last week Bill took some time during his radio show to apologize
and explain
himself:
FALAFEL MASTER: What I said isn't controversial. What
I said needed to be said. I'm sitting here and I'm looking at
a city that has absolutely no clue about what the world is. None.
Hmm... that doesn't sound like much of an apology. Let's continue:
FALAFEL MASTER: You know, if you had been hit on 9/11
instead of New York, believe me, you would not have voted against
military recruting.
Really? Funnily enough, an alert DUer happened
to notice that "just this past July, New York City Council
drafted a measure for deliberation that would have effectively banned
military recruitment in public schools." Our Bill seems
to have missed that one.
But - believe it or not - there's more. Here's the Fox News teaser
for the November 14 edition of "The O'Reilly Factor":
We take on the orchestrated campaign organized by left wing
critics who have whipped up controversy about his satirical riff
on the city of San Francisco.
Oh, so it's satire now is it? Good one! Yes, on his show
that night, O'Reilly actually had the balls to call it a "satirical
riff" - but with a "serious point." So, boiling the
whole thing down:
1. You want to blow up the Coit Tower, go ahead.
2. I'm not kidding.
3. Okay, I'm kidding.
4. But enough kidding - you want to blow up the Coit Tower or
what?
And we're not done yet! After twisting himself into knots, O'Reilly
explained exactly how he would "take on the orchestrated campaign
organized by left wing critics who have whipped up controversy."
What are his plans? If you guessed "don't tell me, that miserable
thin-skinned old fucker is going to start an enemies list,"
give yourself a pat
on the back:
FALAFEL MASTER: Some far left internet smear sites have
launched a campaign to get me fired over my point of view. I believe
they do this on a daily basis. This time the theme is O'Reilly
is encouraging terrorist attacks. Unbelievably stupid. Not unusual
with these guttersnipes. I'm glad the smear sites made a big deal
out of it. Now we can all know who was with the anti-military
internet crowd. We'll post the names of all who support the smear
merchants on billoreilly.com. So check with us.
I wonder if Bill knows you can get pills to help with erectile
dysfunction these days?
The Top 10 will be taking a break for Thanksgiving next week
and will return on December 5. Have a great holiday!
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