The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
November 14, 2005
Down The Tubes Edition
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aren't looking too good for George W. Bush (1,2,3,5) these days.
The poor guy just can't get a break, whether it's supporting losing
candidates, spoiling Veterans' Day for everybody, or pretending
that "we do not torture." Elsewhere, Bill Frist and Dennis
Hastert (4) put on a comedy show, Bill O'Reilly (6) hates America,
Arnold Schwarzenegger (7) takes it to the people, and Pat Robertson
(10) accidentally takes a crap on "Intelligent Design."
Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
What's it like to be the captain of a sinking ship? Ask George
W. Bush, whose political fortunes went from bad to worse to plain
atrocious last week. First, our Great leader gambled that a campaign
appearance with Virginia gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore would
push Kilgore over the top, thus causing pundits to flagellate themselves
in an orgy of repentance while crying from the rooftops that George
W. Bush is BACK!!!
Here's Dubya explaining why Jerry Kilgore is the
man for the job:
(Cheer up, Mr. Blueshirt. It's not that bad.)
Bush was most
complimentary of Kilgore. "I hope you'll work hard tomorrow
to call up your friends and neighbors, and tell them they have a
duty in this democracy of ours to vote..." he told the crowd.
"Tell them if they want good government - good, solid, sound
conservative government - to put this good man in the governor's
chair in Richmond."
"See, I know a man of character and integrity," Bush
continued, "and he's standing right next to me. And that's
Jerry Kilgore ... The thing I like about this fellow is he grew
up in Virginia, and he grew up on a small farm. That means he's
a down-to-earth person. He doesn't have a lot of fancy airs. That's
the kind of guy you want to represent you, a person who understands
how the common man thinks..."
Bush is of course an expert on this subject, considering that he:
- Comes from Connecticut
- Has an Ivy League education
- Once owned a Major League Baseball team
- Vacations at a private compound in Kennebunkport
- On a yacht
- With champagne and caviar
But I'm getting off the subject. The point of all this is that
once the people of Virigina had done their duty in this democracy
of ours, Jerry Kilgore was left in the dust by his Democratic opponent
Tim Kaine. In 2004 Virigina went for Bush by 8 percentage points
- in 2005, Virginia went for Kaine by 6 percentage points.
All I can say is: please please please campaign for more
candidates next year, George!
Speechifying hasn't exactly been Our Great Leader's strong point
lately - last week he decided to ruin a Veterans' Day event by turning
it into a pre-2004 election campaign
rally. Feeling the heat from critics over his administration's
cooking of intelligence prior to the Iraq war, Bush clearly thought
that the best place to strike back would be at a ceremony to honor
America's veterans. How thoughtful.
Bush started off by telling some lies about all the great things
his administration has done for veterans (yeah,
right) and then launched into his favorite topic - you guessed
it - September 11. "Our nation has made a clear choice,"
he said. "We will confront this mortal danger to all humanity.
We will not tire or rest until the war on terror is won."
A clear choice, eh? That's odd - the last
poll I looked at showed that a full 56% of Americans currently
disapprove of Bush's handling of the war on terrorism. Almost
60% say he's dishonest too. But let's not get sidetracked - that
poll has nothing to do with the real point of Dubya's speech, which
was to honor veterans.
I'm joking of course. The real point of the speech was for Our
Great Leader to rehash his attacks on John Kerry from the 2004 election,
and slam everyone who thinks he's is a liar - which according to
that poll is most people.
So let's skip the warmed-over stuff about Iraq, 9/11, Zarqawi,
Zawahiri, the Taliban, Al Qaeda, Saddam Hussein - blah, blah, blah,
you've heard it all before a million times. Let's move right along
BUSH: Our debate at home must also be fair-minded. One
of the hallmarks of a free society and what makes our country
strong is that our political leaders can discuss their differences
openly even in times of war.
Oh really? Then I guess it wasn't Ari Fleischer who once
told reporters that "all Americans ... need to watch what
they say, watch what they do."
BUSH: When I made the decision to remove Saddam Hussein
from power, Congress approved it with strong bipartisan support.
Interesting. So Bush made the decision to remove Saddam Hussein
from power before the Iraq War Resolution vote? That doesn't
jibe with statements he made at the time, such
as, "Hopefully, we can do this peacefully. And if the world
were to collectively come together to do so, and to put pressure
on Saddam Hussein and convince him to disarm, there's a chance he
may decide to do that. And war is not my first choice ... it's my
BUSH: I also recognize that some of our fellow citizens
and elected officials didn't support the liberation of Iraq. And
that is their right, and I respect it.
Liberation? If you mean invasion and occupation, then yeah, you're
right. Some of our fellow citizens didn't support it then - and
64% of our fellow citizens don't support it now, accoring to recent
BUSH: As president and commander in chief, I accept the
responsibilities and the criticisms and the consequences that
come with such a solemn decision.
That's a joke, right?
BUSH: While it's perfectly legitimate to criticize my
decision or the conduct of the war, it is deeply irresponsible
to rewrite the history of how that war began.
Yes, let's not rewrite history.
BUSH: Some Democrats and anti-war critics are now claiming
we manipulated the intelligence and misled the American people
about why we went to war.
Many of these critics supported my opponent during the last election,
who explained his position to support the resolution in the Congress
this way: "When I vote to give the president of the United States
the authority to use force, if necessary, to disarm Saddam Hussein,
it is because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass
destruction in his hands is a threat and a grave threat to our
That's why more than 100 Democrats in the House and the Senate,
who had access to the same intelligence, voted to support removing
Saddam Hussein from power.
Okay, one last question: if all those Democrats in the House and
the Senate had access to the same intelligence... why didn't
Yes, new documents revealed last week demonstrate that not only
were Democrats in the House and Senate seriously misled by Bush
administration propaganda, but Colin Powell himself might not have
been given the full picture.
The declassified CIA documents show that the Bush administration's
own intelligence community had serious doubts about claims that
Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein were working together, even as administration
officials were making those claims publicly. The documents were
only recently provided to Sen. Carl Levin, a member of the Senate
Armed Services Committee, which kinda undercuts Our Great Leader's
claim that everyone had access to the same intelligence.
to Newsweek, "The new documents also raise the possibility
that caveats raised by intelligence analysts about (intelligence
source) al-Libi's claims were withheld from Powell when he was preparing
his Security Council speech. Larry Wilkerson, who served as Powell's
chief of staff and oversaw the vetting of Powell's speech, responded
to an e-mail from Newsweek Wednesday stating that he was unaware
of the CIA doubts about al-Libi at the time the speech was being
Oh, sure the Democratic senators and representatives, along
with the secretary of state, all had access to the same intelligence
- it just happened to be missing a few pieces, that's all. Nothing
important. Just the bits that proved the whole thing was bullshit.
Frist and Dennis Hastert
There were more hilarious shenanigans from Congress's answer
to Laurel and Hardy as Bill Frist and Dennis Hastert were thoroughly
embarrassed by former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott last week.
Frist and Hastert came out spitting nails after the Washington
Post published a story about secret CIA detention centers in
Eastern Europe. Desperate to regain some political credibility after
the devastating Valerie Plame leak investigation, Frist and Hastert
were keen to turn the tables on Democrats by calling for a new probe.
"If accurate, such an egregious disclosure could have long-term
and far-reaching damaging and dangerous consequences, and will imperil
our efforts to protect the American people and our homeland from
terrorist attacks," wrote
the two top Republicans in a letter to Senate Intelligence Committee
Chairman Pat Roberts.
Clearly they were attempting to smear Democrats and/or the CIA
for the leak, but it didn't take too long before Trent Lott crashed
the party, revealing
that the secret prisons were discussed at a regularly-held Republicans-only
senate luncheon the day before the Post report appeared.
"We can't keep our mouths shut. We have met the enemy, and the enemy
is us," said Lott.
Whoops! This put Pat Roberts in the awkward position of having
to not-so-quietly suggest
to Frist and Hastert that Congress shouldn't push for an
investigation into the leak, at least until after Bush's Department
of Justice has looked into the matter. So I guess the Republican
leadership isn't that concerned about leaks after all.
Or secret torture prisons, come to think of it.
W. Bush and Dick Cheney
Speaking of secret torture prisons, you will be pleased to know
that despite all the evidence to the contrary, George W. Bush emphatically
last week that, "We do not torture." Thank goodness for
that! And pay no attention to those classified Eastern European
detention centers. You've heard of Six Flags Guantanamo Bay, right?
Well those other centers just encompass what the Bush administration
likes to call Eastern Euro-Disney.
The problem with Bush's "we don't torture" claim is that
his own vice-president was last week frantically trying to persuade
the Senate to give the CIA an exemption from a bill which contained
language banning "cruel, inhuman or degrading" treatment of prisoners
in U.S. custody.
So let's see... George W. Bush says "we do not torture,"
and Dick Cheney wants a special exemption for the CIA from anti-torture
laws... gee, this is really confusing. I don't know what to think.
Perhaps I'll see if they're discussing this on Fox News.
Okay, just got done watching Fox News. It's okay! Nobody panic!
We do not torture! And even if we do, well, they deserve it.
Oh, and by the way, Scooter Libby did nothing wrong. And even if
he did, well, obstruction of justice isn't a real crime.
Thanks for the info, Fox News!
Our old friend Bill O'Reilly has said some pretty egregious
shit over the years, but last week he went way over the line.
After 60% of San Franciscans voted to prohibit on-campus military
recruiting in public schools and colleges last week, here's what
The Falafel Master had
Hey, you know, if you want to ban military recruiting, fine,
but I'm not going to give you another nickel of federal money.
You know, if I'm the president of the United States, I walk right
into Union Square, I set up my little presidential podium, and
I say, "Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against
military recruiting, you're not going to get another nickel in
federal funds. Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right
And if Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going
to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other
place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You
want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.
Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but did Bill O'Reilly just invite
Al Qaeda to destroy an American city?
I guess it wouldn't be the first time that a conservative idiot
has suggested that terrorists target a particular American landmark.
Back in 2002 Ann Coulter told
an interviewer that "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is
he did not go to the New York Times Building."
Oh, right-wing lunatics, why do you hate America?
You know, I actually feel a bit sorry for Arnold Schwarzenegger
- he just found out that governing a state isn't the same as being
a movie star. Sure, it took him a while to reach this conclusion,
but at least he's there now.
Before last week's elections, Gov. Groping Austrian Beefcake promised
to bypass the Democratically-controlled state legislature and take
his message directly to the people. "I believe the people,
I represent the people,'' said. "I don't represent the polls.
The people sent me to Sacramento.''
And last week the people told Arnie to piss off, rejecting all
four of his ballot initiatives.
Schwarzenegger remained upbeat though, and did something that George
W. Bush finds it practically impossible to do - he took responsibility.
"The buck stops with me," he
said last week. "I take full responsibility for this election.
I take full responsibility for its failure."
See, Republicans? That's how it's done.
Mind you, Arnie might not have paid attention to all the
lessons that could be learned from this experience. He also told
reporters, "If I was to make another 'Terminator' movie, I
would tell Terminator to travel back in time to tell Arnold not
to have another special election."
Uh, governor - I don't want to be a party pooper, but now might
be a good time to think about dropping that incredibly annoying
"Look at me, I am ze Terminator" stuff. It's just that,
well, it makes you look like a dildo.
Natalee Holloway's disappearance is a tragedy to her friends
and family, but I'm really not sure why this particular case has
garnered hundreds of hours of air time on cable news. Oh wait -
I know why. It's because cable news SUCKS.
But the utter pointlessness of the endless speculation on the Alabama
teen's fate does not appear to have put off Alabama's governor Bob
Riley, who jumped on the Natalee Bandwagon last week by announcing
that Americans should boycott Aruba.
"There are no other alternatives to get Aruban authorities
to take this as seriously as they should," Riley said. According
to the Associated Press, "Riley was asked if parents should
allow their children to go to Aruba on similar trips as long as
Holloway's disappearance is unsolved. 'I would not allow my daughter
to go to Aruba,' he said."
Perhaps the governor should start looking a little closer to home.
Last week DUer TahitiNut helpfully
provided a shortlist of children who have gone missing in Alabama
since Natalee Holloway's disappearance. From the National
Center for Missing and Exploited Children:
LACRISA DARLENE EAGLE
DOB: Apr 1, 1992 Age: 13
Missing: Sep 5, 2005 Race: White
GADSDEN, Alabama, US
DOB: Dec 7, 1999 Age: 5
Missing: Aug 27, 2005 Race: Biracial
MOBILE, Alabama, US
DOB: Jan 3, 2002 Age: 3
Missing: Aug 27, 2005 Race: Biracial
MOBILE, Alabama, US
JASMINE SHARDAE HUDSON
DOB: May 15, 1990 Age: 15
Missing: Jun 20, 2005 Race: Black
MONTGOMERY, Alabama, US
NAKETA DARRELL HAMPTON
DOB: Dec 21, 1994 Age: 10
Missing: Aug 29, 2005 Race: Black
ATMORE, Alabama, US
NIKITA SHAREE EAGLE
DOB: Aug 24, 1990 Age: 15
Missing: Sep 5, 2005 Race: White
GADSDEN, Alabama, US
And they aren't the only ones. So what are we to make of this?
I guess the conclusion that Bob Riley would have us reach is that
we should start boycotting Alabama.
And finally - let's face it, we Dems have done our fair share
of wallowing in electoral defeat over the past few years. But at
least we haven't started literally beating the shit out of each
other. Last week, reeling from their election losses, members of
the Berlin (Connecticut) Republican party started a brawl. Let's
go to the tape:
"Bob got right in my face," said Republican town committee member
David Martin. "He grabbed my neck, and then he got his fingernails
behind my windpipe. I was just trying to push his hands away."
"David came in the building and started making vile comments to
me," said Councilman Paul Argazzi. "Vile and disgusting comments
about my wife and my mother, which I can't repeat."
to the Hartford Courant, "The alleged assault occurred
after the Republicans learned they been soundly defeated by the
Democrats. A heated discussion took place between Martin and Paul
Argazzi in which, Martin said, he questioned whether Paul Argazzi
was still the leader of the Republican Party."
And I thought the adults were supposed to be in charge.
And finally, you may have noticed that proponents of so-called
"Intelligent Design" have been very careful to avoid any
mention of the word "God" while promoting their ideas.
There's a good reason for this - Intelligent Design, which is intended
to undermine the scientifically-sound theory of Evolution, is essentially
Creationism wrapped up in a more politically correct package. The
Intelligent Design Network describes
We believe objectivity in the institutions of science, government
and the media will lead not only to good origins science, but
also to constitutional neutrality in this subjective, historical
science that unavoidably impacts religion. We promote the scientific
evidence of intelligent design because proper consideration of
that evidence is necessary to achieve not only scientific objectivity
but also constitutional neutrality.
Sounds good, right? And not a word about Genesis, or the Garden
of Eden, or God.
Unfortunately Pat Robertson just blew all their hard work out of
the water by issuing one of his famous "Patwas" on the
voters of Dover, PA, who last week swept local school board officials
out of office for supporting Intelligent Design. Here's Pat's reaction
to the voters' decision:
"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover. If there
is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected
Him from your city. And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you
when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will,
but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your
city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he
might not be there."
But... but... but... I thought Intelligent Design had nothing to
do with Pat Robertson's god? I thought that it was "simply
the science of design detection." I thought that it "should
be conducted objectively, without regard to the implications of
its findings." By the looks of Pat's reaction, I guess not.
Funnily enough, a staunch proponent of ID changed his mind on the
subject last week - on November 5 the Indianapolis Star reported
that Rick Santorum "has put the Senate on record in favor of
teaching both sides." But on November 12, Santorum said
that he "doesn't believe that intelligent design belongs in
the science classroom."
Now why would a senator of such strong convictions suddenly flip-flop
on the teaching of Intelligent Design? Surely the fact that his
likely 2006 opponent Bob Casey is currently holding a 20
point lead in the polls has got nothing to do with it.
See you next week!
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