Democratic Underground

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 197)

May 9, 2005
Jesus Wept Edition

Well they've finally gone and done it... thanks to the actions of Chan Chandler (1) the right-wing have now perverted Christianity to the point where Democrats are no longer welcome in church. Jesus wept. Elsewhere, Tom DeLay (2) is lecturing people on humility and responsibility (really), the evidence that George W. Bush (3) lied America into war is staring everyone in the face, and Don Sherwood (4) might have choked his mistress. Meanwhile, Pat Robertson (6) has taken the last train to Loonyville, Laura Bush (7) tells a story about a horse's penis, and Kenneth Tomlinson (9) is seeing liberal bias everywhere. Don't forget the key!

1Chan Chandler religious nut religious nut religious nut partisanship
The Rev. Chan Chandler made an interesting move last week when he decided to cut his congregation in half and rid himself of the sinners. Who are the sinners? Well according to Chandler, they're anyone who voted for John Kerry in 2004. Chandler, pastor of Waynesville NC Baptist Church, informed his congregation that if they did not vote for Bush they needed to publicly repent or leave his church forever, because he didn't want to be associated with people like that. Well maybe they don't want to be associated with you, Rev. Chandler. Apparently Chandler kicked nine people out of the church - some who had attended for more than 30 years - while other members of the congregation stood up and applauded. 40 more members of his congregation subsequently walked out in protest. Oddly enough, Chandler had the audacity to tell reporters that "the actions were not politically motivated." Uh, what? You know, I'm not sure what warped version of Christianity this is, where people are excluded and denounced for not voting for a particular politician. But somehow I don't think Jesus would approve.

2Tom DeLay hypocrisy hypocrisy hypocrisy
Stop the presses! Tom DeLay is no longer in any trouble. See, last week he confessed his sins to the 54th annual National Day of Prayer gathering in Washington DC, so therefore the slate has been wiped clean and he can go back to work as if nothing ever happened. And that work now seems to include lecturing other people on the merits of humility and responsibility, if you can believe that. "Just think of what we could accomplish if we checked our pride at the door, if collectively we all spent less time taking credit and more time deserving it," he said, apparently with a straight face. "If we spent less time ducking responsibility and more time welcoming it. If we spent less time on our soapboxes and more time on our knees." Uh, yeah, it would be... great. Are you actually going to do any of that at any point, dumbass?

3George W. Bush lying lying lying warmongering warmongering warmongering
We mentioned this item in passing last week but it's surely worth bringing up again - especially since most of the corporate media seem too scared to touch it. A secret British memo released last week reveals that George W. Bush was bending intelligence reports to fit his plan for invading Iraq, and also that the British and American leaders had already decided to invade, even while they were telling their governments and their public that they had not. Yes, according to Knight Ridder:

A highly classified British memo, leaked in the midst of Britain's just-concluded election campaign, indicates that President Bush decided to overthrow Iraqi President Saddam Hussein by summer 2002 and was determined to ensure that U.S. intelligence data supported his policy.

The document, which summarizes a July 23, 2002, meeting of British Prime Minister Tony Blair with his top security advisers, reports on a visit to Washington by the head of Britain's MI-6 intelligence service.

The visit took place while the Bush administration was still declaring to the American public that no decision had been made to go to war.

"There was a perceptible shift in attitude. Military action was now seen as inevitable," the MI-6 chief said at the meeting, according to the memo. "Bush wanted to remove Saddam through military action, justified by the conjunction of terrorism and WMD," weapons of mass destruction.

The memo said "the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy."

So - lying to the American people? Lying to Congress? Sounds like an impeachable offense to me. Or maybe not - I mean, sure he lied to Congress, lied to the public, got us into a war which has killed almost 1600 American soldiers so far and countless thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians, is bankrupting us with an unnecessary war and a military budget which will soon total more than the entire rest of the world combined, created thousands of new terrorists and turned Iraq into a breeding ground for more, and because of his lies and his policies, America is decidedly less safe...

...but hey - at least he didn't get a blowjob, right?

4Don Sherwood sex
Republican Morality Watch, Case #217645: So it turns out that Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Naturally) allegedly choked a woman while giving her a backrub in his Washington apartment. In case you were wondering - yes, Sherwood is married. He's been denying any involvement with the woman, Cynthia Ore, for some time, but that's not what she says - apparently they've been boinking since he met her at a Young Republicans meeting in 1999. Now let's be clear - there was no physical evidence of Sherwood choking Ore, and the police report states that she "did not seem to be of sound mind" when they showed up after she called 911. So which is it, Republicans? You've got two choices: either a) your guy gets a kick out of squeezing a bit too hard while he's rubbing his mistress down, or b) he's innocent of the choking accusation, and has just been cheating on his wife with a crazy woman for six years. Take your pick. Oh, one more thing: family values family values family values. Thanks.

5UT Campus Police
Poor old Ann Coulter got heckled again during an appearance at the University of Texas last week. To be honest I'm not sure why she keeps showing up at these slimy liberal breeding grounds just so she can stand there while her arch-enemies shout obscenities at her. I dunno, maybe she's so full self-loathing that she has to hang out with people who hate her more than she hates herself. But anyway, UT student Ajai Raj asked Coulter this great question: "You say that you believe in the sanctity of marriage. How do you feel about marriages where the man does nothing but fuck his wife up the ass?" Raj then retreated to his seat giving Coulter the ol' jerk-off sign. Good question Mr. Raj, and, um, interestingly put. But Raj was definitely not expecting to find himself arrested for it - as he was leaving the auditorium, he was handcuffed by campus police. Raj's arrest report states that he "committed the offense of Disorderly Conduct #1 and #2 (abusive, profane, and vulgar language and obscene gesture - Class C misdemeanor)." So, uh, are we also going to arrest fifty percent of the crowd attending every major league baseball game this season? Just wondering.

6 Pat Robertson religious nut religious nut religious nut excessive spin
For some reason the broadcast networks keep giving airtime to the Radical Reverend Pat Robertson and his extremist viewpoints - maybe they're hedging their bets just in case the Rapture happens. But anyway, last week Pat gave another fabulously fringe performance on This Week With George Stephanopoulos, comparing judges to terrorists. And guess what? In Pat's world, Al Qaeda comes out smelling like roses. When asked whether "judicial activism" is more dangerous than Al Qaeda, Pat came up with this response:

It depends on how you look at culture. If they look over the course of 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings. And I think we have controlled Al Qaida. I think we'll get Osama bin Laden. We've won in Afghanistan. We won in Iraq. And we can contain that. But if there's an erosion at home, you know, Thomas Jefferson warned about a tyranny of oligarchy. If we surrender our democracy to the tyranny of oligarchy, we've made a terrible mistake.

My my. So upholding the rule of law is now "more serious" than 9/11 is it? What a lunatic.

7Laura Bush
At the recent White House Correspondents Dinner, Laura Bush took to the stage and woke up the audience by telling a joke about her husband masturbating a horse. What's that you say? Masturbating a horse? That's right folks. Masturbating. A. Horse. Here's the joke:

Andover and Yale don't have a real strong ranching program. But I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse.

Wow, what a visual. The first lady's ribaldry even shocked Michelle Malkin! Now, since I can't possibly come up with a take on this which would be funnier than the inspired treatment The Daily Show gave it last week, I'm just going to give you a link: click here and prepare to die laughing. (Video courtesy of Crooks And Liars.)

8Republican Liars lying
Sure, it's five years too late, but this certainly deserves a mention on the list. Remember when Al Gore was vilified by conservative pundits, and subsequently the media, for claiming that he "invented the Internet?" They sure had a good old chuckle about that one. Here's the text of Gore's statement: "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet." Wow - that Al Gore sure did like to tell tall tales, didn't he? Problem is, it was the conservative media who were telling tall tales. On June 6th, Al Gore is set to receive the prestigious Webby Lifetime Achievement Award "in recognition of the pivotal role he has played in the development of the internet over the past three decades. Vint Cerf, widely credited as one of the 'fathers of the internet,' will present Vice President Gore with the award." So there you have it - Al Gore did take the initiative in creating the Internet. Did he invent it? No - but then he never said that, did he. That was the Republican liars' own invention.

9Kenneth Tomlinson partisanship
Kenneth Tomlinson, the new Republican chairman of PBS, has been keen to root out alleged "liberal bias" on public television. So he's gone to the most unbiased source he can find to get assistance: the White House. Yup, it turns out that Tomlinson hired the director of the White House Office of Global Communications to help root out "liberal bias" at PBS, if you can believe that. Gee, I wonder how much "liberal bias" they'll find? I mean, for goodness sake, this is like putting Joe McCarthy in a room full of people and telling him to find the Communist. The next thing you know, they're all in handcuffs. Come on Mr. Tomlinson - it's one thing to want PBS to be fair and balanced, it's another thing to hire a Bush administration official to get you there.

10George W. Bush dumb dumb dumb
And finally, here's a little something that might explain why Our Great Leader's Social Security plan isn't adding up: he's losing his mind. During a discussion of Social Security at the recent Latino Coalition Conference, George W. Bush introduced a stooge - I'm sorry, a Republican gentleman - named Fidel Vargas, and proceeded to engage him in some jovial banter:

PRESIDENT MORON: I am honored to be joined by Fidel Vargas today. Fidel is an interesting man. He's already been a - he's 36 and he's already been a mayor of a California city. Did a fine job there.

You know, when I first got elected, I recognized that the Social Security issue is going to be an issue that was going to require some - some sound thought and reasoning. People needed to be coming together to help think about this issue. And so I set up a commission. Daniel Patrick Moynihan, the former Senator from New York, Democrat Senator, was the chairman of it, and I asked Fidel to join.

And welcome, Fidel. Thanks for coming. He is a - well, you'll see. He knows what he's talking about.


MR. VARGAS: And I'm a little embarrassed to say, but I think I'll share with the President that the first time he ran, I didn't vote for the President. So excuse me for that, sir. But I'm sure -

PRESIDENT MORON: I understand a lot of other people didn't, either.


PRESIDENT MORON: Great job, thanks for coming. The fact that you went to Harvard bothers me more than the fact that you didn't vote for me.

MR. VARGAS: We both went to HBS [Harvard Business School].

PRESIDENT MORON: That's right. I forgot that part. Good job. Thanks for coming.

Well I guess they do say that if you can remember the 70s, you weren't there. See you next week!

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