The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
February 28, 2005
Fourth Annual Oscar Special!
it's Oscar time again! This year's categories include Most Surreal
use of Homophobic Propaganda, Worst Actor In A Leading Role, Best
Defilement Of The Language Of Jefferson, and Biggest Bunch Of Morons.
The nominations list is packed with a galaxy of stars including
USA Next (1), George W. Bush (2), Jeff Gannon (4), The Traditional
Values Coalition (5), and Arnold Schwarzenegger (7). Yes, it's the
closest Arnie is ever going to get to owning a real Oscar. So come
on in and enjoy the glitz and glamor that is Democratic Underground's
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Fourth Annual Oscar Special! Don't forget
Most Surreal Use Of Homophobic Propaganda: During the last
election conservatives realized that these days it doesn't matter
how outrageous your lies are because the media won't bother explaining
why you're a liar. Instead, in order to be "fair and balanced,"
the media will actually help out by giving your lies the
old "some people say..." treatment. After all, the Corporate
Media don't want to be accused of being liberal, do they?
So any old bullshit from the right is now treated as if it's an
alternate version of the truth. Exhibit A: the Swift Boat Veterans,
and the fact that somehow - thanks, "liberal" media -
a lot of people have gotten the idea that George W. Bush's Vietnam
record was more honorable that John Kerry's. Which is the complete
opposite of the truth. Pretty amazing, huh?
And if it worked against a presidential candidate, then it ought
to work against millions of seniors. Meet USA Next, the latest group
of conservatives who intend to change reality by relying on the
media's lack of interest in the truth. Here's how it works: Our
Great Leader has a problem with the AARP because they have a lot
of influence over seniors, and if they think his Social Security
plan is a crock of shit, he's going to have a hard time selling
it. So he needs some way to demonize them. Now obviously he can't
come out and say that the AARP wants to - I dunno, just off the
top of my head - get rid of the military and replace it with hot
man-on-man action. But here's the clever part: he doesn't need to,
because USA Next will do it for him! Take a look at this ad that
was spotted running on the American Spectator website last
Got that everyone? While the AARP is advising its members on the
dangers of Bush's Social Security privatization scheme, USA Next
informs us of the reeeeal AARP Agenda: to get rid of the
military and replace it with hot man-on-man action. If I may slip
into the Internet vernacular for a moment, WTF? I mean, talk
about a non sequitur.
to the New York Times, USA Next "has hired Chris
LaCivita, an enthusiastic former marine who advised Swift Vets and
P.O.W.'s for Truth, formerly known as Swift Boat Veterans for Truth,
on its media campaign and helped write its potent commercials."
The results, as you can see above, are fabulous. And Chris LaCivita
isn't the only one - USA Next has either hired or is looking to
hire several more people connected to the Swift Boat Veterans.
So as America attempts to have a serious debate on the future of
Social Security, be on the lookout for more USA Next commercials
over the coming weeks. Before you know it, the reeeeal AARP
agenda will involve singing the praises of Osama bin Laden while
dancing on the Ten Commandments.
Best Attempt At Keeping A Straight Face Considering The Circumstances:
Our Great Leader was on a European vacation last week, and what
a jolly time he had! After deciding that spending most of his first
term publicly scorning the French and Germans wasn't very good foreign
policy, Bush tried to make nice by sucking up to Jacques Chirac
and Gerhard Schroeder and, um, accidentally
insulting NATO Secretary-General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer. Of course,
having learned that invading a country without any international
support doesn't often bring the best results, it did appear as if
Bush was just trying to get the Yurpeans to help out with his next
invasion. Not that there's going to be another invasion, let me
make that clear! Why, Bush said
just last week that it is "simply ridiculous" to think
that the US might invade Iran. Five seconds later he followed up
with, "Having said that, all options are on the table."
Including the simply ridiculous options, apparently. Bush also took
the time to visit with his old friend Vladimir "Pootie-Poot"
Putin, where he had a bit of a rough time. During a press conference,
an obviously confused Bush offered up this
interesting statement: "I live in a transparent country.
I live in a country where decisions made by government are wide
open." Right... so you'll be telling us who was on the Energy
Policy Task Force, then? Or why your administration finagled all
that "evidence" about Iraq's WMD capabilites? Or who outed
Valerie Plame? Or who was responsible for the Jeff Gannon scandal?
Or... oh, forget it.
Best Diplomacy: While Our Great Leader was gallivanting around
Europe, his surrogates were doing their best to ruin relations with
our old friend Canada. Last week Prime Minister Paul Martin announced
that Canada would not be participating in Bush's wacky missile defense
scheme, and doesn't want the US intruding willy-nilly into Canadian
airspace. He said, "In terms of Canadian airspace, yes we would
expect to be consulted. This is our airspace. We're a sovereign
nation. And you don't intrude on a sovereign nation's airspace without
seeking permission." Martin also said that his country's time
and money would be better spent working with the US to improve border
and coastal security. Step forward US ambassador to Canada Paul
Celluci, who in a moment of what can only be described as imperial
delusion stated that Martin's refusal to play Star Wars meant that
Canada is "giving up its sovereignty." Giving up its sovereignty?
Well then I guess we can just fire missiles over Canadian airspace
without getting permission! Now that's what I call diplomacy...
Worst Actor In A Leading Role: Remember those websites that
Jeff Gannon never owned and never hosted? Well he's selling
them. Yes, militaryescorts.com and militaryescortsm4m.com are
on the market for a mere $7,500 each, and the infamous hotmilitarystud.com
is going for a cool $15,000. But as John Aravosis from AmericaBlog
out... how is it that a website that was never hosted gets around
47,000 unique visitors a month?
Oh Jeff, you little tease. You've been telling fibs again haven't
you? Incidentally, Gannon's eponymous website
came back online last week. If you're a connoisseur of conservative
history-rewriting you should swing by and check it out.
Traditional Values Coalition
Biggest Bunch Of Morons: So the Traditional Values Coalition
is now targeting Shrek as the latest in a long line of cartoon characters
in league with the Gay Agenda. Why? Because apparently there's a
character in Shrek 2 who is "a male-to-female transgender in
transition and who expresses a sexual desire for Prince Charming"
(voiced by, um, Larry King). And hang onto your hats - there's a
gag about Pinocchio wearing women's underwear. I mean, really. But
here's the worst part: according
to CTV.ca, film studies professor Charles Keil notes that "the
whole idea behind the Shrek movies is a general message of tolerance
- that outward appearances don't matter and that it's what's underneath
that counts." Which I imagine is the real panty-twister
for the folks at the Tolerance Is Evil Coalition. I mean, honestly.
Can we just agree right here and right now that these people have
frickin' lost it? I just don't think I can take much more
of this nonsense. In the immortal words of Popeye, "I've had
all I can stand, I can't stands no more." Come to think of
it, Popeye was probably gay too. I mean, you never actually saw
him boning Olive Oyl, did you? I rest my case.
Best Special Effects: Three years ago, Afghanistan was the
world's sixth-least developed country. That calculation was arrived
at by means of a study which takes into account citizens' "personal
security, welfare and ability to control their own lives,"
to the Associated Press. But now, three years later, after the
Bush adminstration's invasion, the removal of the Taliban, and the
miracle of free elections, Afghanistan is... still the world's sixth-least
developed country. To be fair, some progress is being made - millions
of children are enrolling in school, and the economy is doing well.
Unfortunately, according to the AP, "most of the country's
income is being mopped up by warlords with strong political and
military connections, creating a dangerous gap between rich and
poor and between the cities and the countryside." Oh, and the
US invasion of Afghanistan helped produce a climate of "fear, intimidation,
terror and lawlessness." In fact, the United Nations has warned
that "a nation that became a haven for international terrorists
could fail again unless more is done to improve the lives of its
long-suffering citizens." Why is this especially relevant now?
Well, those of you who read last
week's Idiots will recall that the Bush Administration is sending
none other than Rush Limbaugh to Afghanistan in order to "get
people to pay attention to all the good things we are doing." I
wrote last week that "the fact that they've asked Limbaugh
makes me even less confident that things are going well in
Afghanistan." Five minutes later, this UN report comes out.
Conicidence? I think not.
Best Role-Model: Do as I say, not as I do! Do as I say, not
as I do! Sing it with me, brothers and sisters, and you too can
be a top conservative role-model! Last week it was revealed
that Gov. Groping Austrian Beefcake has "no regrets" about
his past steroid use. "I have no regrets about it, because
at that time, it was something new that came on the market,"
he said, "and we went to the doctor and did it under doctors'
supervision." But here's the odd part: according to the Associated
Press, Schwarzenegger said "he would not encourage drug use
because it sent the wrong message to children." So wouldn't
it have been more sensible to say that he did regret taking
steroids? I'm confused. Because it seems to me that he's saying,
"Don't do this thing. It's bad. Yes, I did it when I was young,
and no, I don't have any regrets about doing it, but you shouldn't
do it. Because its bad." I mean, come on. Talk about mixed
Best Defilement Of The Language Of Jefferson: Funny - big
government is an anathema to conservatives, until those same conservatives
need big government to stomp all over everyone else. Virginia delegate
Charles W. Carrico recently introduced an amendment which would
write the "people's right to pray and to recognize their religious
beliefs, heritage and traditions on public property, including public
schools," into the Virginia Constitution. Why? Because "he
believes Christians are being silenced and persecuted" according
to the Washington Post. Never mind that fact that 80%
or so of Americans identify themselves as Christian. Never mind
that it's already legal - and in fact protected by the US Constitution
and the US Supreme Court - to pray in Virginia's public schools.
Mr. Carrico's amendment is simply an attempt use big government
to enforce a particular faith on everybody, which is downright unconstitutional.
It will probably come as no surprise for you to learn that, according
to the Post, Carrico's amendment will "rewrite the Founding
Fathers," "defile the language of Jefferson," and
"combines arrogance and irresponsibility." What's up with
conservatives wanting to tear up the Constitution whenever they
feel like it?
Stupidest Sound Bite: Last week the British prime minister
made this mind-blowingly dumb
comment: there is "no greater civil liberty than to live
free from terrorist attack." Okay... so then explain this:
why is the United States in the top five countries most likely
to be hit by a terrorist attack, and North Korea is the least
likely country to be hit by a terrorist attack? I'm not making this
up - it comes from a report
by the World Markets Research Center. So if I'm following his logic
correctly, Tony Blair thinks that North Korea has the greatest civil
liberties in the world. You know, somehow I don't think that's right.
Unless of course Blair believes his statement to be true - bear
in mind that he made the comment while trying to sell a new civil-liberties-reducing
terrorism bill to the British parliament. So to clarify - when your
country has become so insular and the government is so oppressive
that terrorist attacks become impossible, you'll have the greatest
civil liberties on the planet. I think I can hear George Orwell
writhing in his grave.
Best Example Of Republican Morals And Values: And finally,
allow me to set the scene... Val Vigil, a Democratic state representative
from Colorado, introduced a bill last week that would "allow
the family of a soldier killed in action to use military license
to the Rocky Mountain News. He was apparently trying
to "do a favor for the family members of Lance Cpl. Thomas
Slocum, 22, of Thornton, who was killed March 23 near An Nasiriyah
in Iraq." But the bill was altered in committee - family members
could use special plates, but not the same ones as active military
members or veterans. So Val Vigil offered up an amendment on the
floor of the Colorado House to, as he put it, correct the oversight.
With me so far? Here's where it gets interesting. After Vigil introduced
the amendment, Bill Cadman (R-Colorado Springs) shouted that it
was "garbage." Vigil replied that Cadman should know garbage.
So then Cadman shouted, "If you try that again, I'll ram my
fist up your ass."
You know, I think I'm going to have to skip the punchline on this
one. When a Republican state representative threatens to ram his
fist up the ass of a Democratic colleague on the floor of the state
house, I just get a bit lost for words. See you next week!
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