Democratic Underground

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 176)

October 25, 2004
Crying Wolf Edition

With just one week to go until election day, the froth is flying fast and furious from the mouths of Republican operatives. Last week Team Bush (1) launched an ad accusing John Kerry of... I dunno, something to do with wolves. Meanwhile, realizing that Halloween is just around the corner, Dick Cheney (2) was trying even harder to scare people than usual. Elsewhere, Condi Rice and Tom Ridge (3) are slacking, George W. Bush (4,5,7) is receiving mixed messages, and Tom DeLay (8) is getting nervous. Bringing up the rear are Alan Keyes (9), who is, well, just nuts, and Randal Wagner, sign-thief extraordinaire. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

1Team Bush excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin dumb fearmongering
With just eight days to go until the election, George W. Bush and friends are launching a last-ditch attempt to keep their greasy paws on the key to the White House. You'd think that after four years in power they'd have something positive to run on, but sadly that doesn't seem to be the case. So instead they're relying on that old stand-by: scaring the crap out of the American people. Funny thing is, they even seem to be losing their touch at that.

Last week Team Bush released a new TV ad called "Wolves," which is pretty much a direct rip-off of a Reagan ad from 1984 called "Bear." In the "Wolves" ad a sequence of quick shots of a forest are accompanied by a husky female voice-over warning us that "even after the first terrorist attack on America, John Kerry and the liberals in Congress voted to slash America's intelligence operations." Then the ad cuts to the aforementioned wolves which start moving towards the camera in a supposedly threatening manner.

Sorry, Team Bush, but this is just laughable. Leaving aside the fact that the statement "even after the first terrorist attack on America, John Kerry and the liberals in Congress voted to slash America's intelligence operations," is a complete and utter distortion of reality, I'm afraid those wolves just ain't scary. TV commercials for "He's a Lady" are scary. A bunch of confused doggies aren't.

I mean, seriously, watch the ad and check out the pooch second from the right. He looks like he just spotted a rabbit. Come on, Team Bush - you can do better than that. At least give the wolves turbans and beards or something.

2Dick Cheney fearmongering fearmongering fearmongering partisanship
But hey, the Republicans aren't just peddling fear, no sirree! Why, Team Bush also has a positive, optimistic message about America's future. And the perfect spokesman for this message is of course Laura Bush, who was out on the stump last week lauding her husband's policies.

"Our economy is growing," said Laura. "We're closing the achievement gap in our schools, and America is safer and stronger thanks to the President's decisive leadership." See? America is safer and stronger thanks to the President's decisive leadership!

That must be why Dick Cheney said this last week:

"The biggest threat we face now as a nation is the possibility of terrorists ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us - biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans."

So to sum up... George W. Bush has made America safer, and now all we have to worry about is a massive nuclear attack in the middle of one of our cities killing hundreds of thousands of citizens. Talk about "mixed messages."

3Condi Rice and Tom Ridge partisanship partisanship
So if Dick Cheney is so concerned about "terrorists ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us," what are National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice and Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge doing these days? Busying themselves with collecting vital information about al Qaeda? Hunting down and killing terrorists? No, silly - they're out campaigning for George W. Bush!

Yes, you'd think that in this day and age these two very important people would be in Washington working on ways to keep us safe from the "wolves" - but no, they're wending their way through various swing states telling us, um, how much safer we are. Condi Rice was in Pittsburgh last week informing voters that we're killing al Qaeda leaders, stopping the spread of WMDs, and that freedom is on the march in Iraq. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette had this to say:

"Pittsburghers appreciate Ms. Rice's coming here, even this late in the game. What was disappointing was that her presentation was so partisan and out of touch with the reality of the world. If she actually believes what she said Thursday, it is frightening to think she is the president's chief national security adviser."

Meanwhile Tom Ridge has apparently made three-fifths of his recent "official" trips to battleground states, which is surely just a coincidence. "We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security," he sniffed. That must be why, according to the UK Guardian, Department of Homeland Security Officials have done "four events in hotly contested Iowa, but only two in New Jersey, where neither candidate is aggressively competing. The financial sector in New Jersey is under a heightened terror alert." Guess they know something about Iowa that we don't.

4George W. Bush warmongering warmongering dumb
Pat Robertson appeared on CNN's Paula Zahn Now recently and gave us all an interesting insight into the administration's lack of post-war planning in Iraq. Robertson said that he warned George W. Bush of casualties before the invasion, and Bush blew him off.

"I mean he was just sitting there like, 'I'm on top of the world,'" said Robertson, "And I warned him about this war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you had better prepare the American people for casualties.'" Robertson said Bush then told him, "'Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties.'"

Not going to have any casualties? Let me get this straight. God told Pat Robertson that the war in Iraq would cause heavy American casualties. But it appears that God told George W. Bush the complete opposite. You have to feel a bit sorry for fundamentalists - considering how easily confused they already are, their heads must be exploding after these comments.

The White House, for their part, said, "The president never made such a comment." Right. And the president never said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

5George W. Bush helping the terrorists helping the terrorists helping the terrorists helping the terrorists
Newspaper endorsements continue to roll in, and at the time of writing John Kerry has been endorsed by 117 newspapers - including the New York Times, the Kansas City Star, and the Oregonian. George W. Bush, on the other hand, has picked up just 71 endorsements - including the Moonie Times, the Bumblefuck Star-Journal, and the Mobile Daily Cowpie.

But there's good news for Our Great Leader - despite lagging in the number of newspaper endorsements, and being dumped by almost 30 newspapers which touted him in 2000, he recently picked up the mother of all endorsements. Yes, last week George W. Bush was given the nod by terrorist sympathizer and proud member of the Axis of Evil, Iran.

"We haven't seen anything good from Democrats," grumbled Hasan Rowhani, head of the Supreme National Security Council. "We should not forget that most sanctions and economic pressures were imposed on Iran during the time of Clinton. And we should not forget that during Bush's era - despite his hard-line and baseless rhetoric against Iran - he didn't take, in practical terms, any dangerous action against Iran ... We do not desire to see Democrats take over."

Mohsen Mofidi, an Iranian political analyst, said getting rid of the Taliban and Saddam Hussein has done wonders for Iran. "The experience of two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the responsibility Bush had, will make it a very remote possibility for him to risk attacking a much bigger and more powerful country like Iran." He added, "Democrats usually insist on human rights and they will have more excuses to pressure Iran."

You'll have to excuse me - I'm laughing so hard my ass just fell off.

6Vote Fraudsters election stealing election stealing election stealing
The GOP is clearly worried that they can't beat Kerry at the polls, so they've decided to simply try and stop Kerry voters from getting to the polls in the first place; the proof is found in various stories this week reporting vote suppression by Republican operatives. We made brief note last week of a scam in Nevada where a GOP-funded firm allegedly tore up Democratic voter registrations - turns out that firm has also been operating in Oregon.

But Nevada and Oregon aren't the only places where the GOP are doing everything they can to make life more difficult for voters. According to, "Republican operatives working to re-elect President Bush submitted last-minute requests in Philadelphia on Friday to relocate 63 polling places ... Of the 63 requests for changes, 53 are in political divisions where the population of white voters is less than 10 percent." Fortunately the GOP failed in this blatant attempt at suppressing the vote.

In Scranton, PA, however, officials "successfully moved 21 polling places over both citizen and Democratic objections. The GOP had just grabbed a 2-1 majority on the county's board of commissioners ... opponents say the relocated voting spots will affect as many as 10,000 voters, and they fear that as many as 10 percent, or 1,000, might be thwarted by the moves."

In New Mexico, electronic voting machines have been recording a vote for John Kerry as a vote for George W. Bush. Early voter Kim Griffith "went to Valle Del Norte Community Center in Albuquerque, planning to vote for John Kerry. 'I pushed his name, but a green check mark appeared before President Bush's name,' she said."

In Ohio, anonymous callers have been contacting elderly voters and falsely telling them that their polling places have been changed.

And also in Ohio, officials "took formal steps yesterday to place thousands of recruits inside polling places on Election Day to challenge the qualifications of voters they suspect are not eligible to cast ballots ... Republicans said they had enlisted 3,600 by the deadline, many in heavily Democratic urban neighborhoods of Cleveland, Dayton and other cities. Each recruit was to be paid $100." Republican James P. Trakas said, "The organized left's efforts to, quote unquote, register voters - I call them ringers - have created these problems."

So what does this tell us about the Republican party? Simply, if they fear one thing above all others, it's the will of the people.

7George W. Bush dumb
Last week six second cousins of Our Great Leader launched a website called "Bush Relatives for Kerry" with this impassioned plea: "Please, don't vote for our cousin!"

The website - headed with the slogan, "Because blood is thinner than oil!" - states, "As the election approaches, we feel it is our responsibility to speak out about why we are voting for John Kerry, and to do our small part to help America heal from the sickness it has suffered since George Bush was appointed President in 2000."

So if you're worried about George W. Bush carrying Florida, Ohio, or Pennsylvania, consider the fact that he can't even carry his own family.

8Tom Delay crybaby quid pro quo covering your ass
Could The Hammer be on the verge of taking his final swing? With his Democratic challenger Richard Morrison gaining in the polls and in the face of multiple ethics complaints Tom Delay has realized that he's actually in a race, and has started running TV ads and opened a campaign office in Clear Lake.

According to the Houston Chronicle, "In recent weeks, the House ethics committee admonished Delay for offering a political favor to a fellow Republican lawmaker if he voted for a Medicare prescription drug bill; for perceived links of political donations to legislation; and for asking federal aviation officials to help search for Democratic Texas state representatives who fled Austin last year during the redistricting fight."

That last complaint has now generated a civil lawsuit in which Tom Delay was last week subpoenaed to testify.

Of course, Delay has taken full personal responsibility for his ethics violations, saying last week, "I've never had a campaign where the entire nation has tried to destroy my name ... They are going after me in the most personal and vindictive way. It's gutter politics."

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. He didn't take personal responsibility at all. He just whined about his opponents and blamed other people. Well, I guess if it's good enough for the president, it's good enough for the House majority leader.

9 Alan Keyes homophobia homophobia religious nut
With the polls showing him about 45 points behind Barak Obama, there's not long to go before Alan Keyes becomes nothing more than an unpleasant memory in the minds of Illinois voters. We'll be sorry to see Alan go because he's provided us with such great material these last few months - but fortunately it looks like he's got some left in him.

Last week Alan told a campaign rally (in attendance: two homeless people, three passers-by, and a stray dog) that incest was "inevitable" for children raised by gay couples. "If we do not know who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable," he said.

But... doesn't this means that incest is inevitable for any adopted child, whether their parents are gay or straight? And considering Alan's extreme pro-life views, does this mean that he now thinks adoption should be outlawed? What's he going to do with all the unwanted pregnancies?

But don't confuse yourself thinking trying to figure this out, there's actually a very simple explanation: Alan Keyes is a homophobic nutcase who'll literally say anything to slam gays.

In related news, Ohio's Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell last week compared gays to farm animals, saying, "I don't know how many of you have a farming background but I can tell you right now that notion even defies barnyard logic ... the barnyard knows better."

And in case you were wondering, Lynne Cheney had no comment about either of these incidents. Where's the outrage, Lynne?

10Randal Wagner dumb arrest
And finally, if Republicans can't even steal signs properly, how can we trust them to run the country? Randal Wagner is a Republican sign-thief from Wheat Ridge, Colorado, and clearly he needs a bit of practice.

Wagner was already under suspicion of stealing campaign signs but wasn't caught until he took a sign from a local business and proceeded to run for it, getting as far as a low chain blocking off the driveway which he tripped over, landing on his face, and knocking himself unconscious. Police found him sleeping peacefully on top of the stolen sign - and then discovered two dozen stolen signs in the back of his pickup truck.

He was treated for cuts and bruises, and then charged with theft, trespassing, criminal tampering, and disorderly conduct. Maybe the Bush administration will be able to bail him out - he sounds like he'd be a perfect addition to their post-election legal team. See you next week!

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's Ring of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at


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