The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
September 27, 2004
Two Faced Edition
It's long been understood that Our Great Leader consistently says
one thing and does another. This week, he's gone way beyond that.
Yes, George W. Bush (1) may have given up cocaine, but it appears
that he's now on LSD. Fortunately he's got the ever-credible Ayad
Allawi (2) to back him up, and when I say back him up I mean read
carefully-prepared GOP talking points off a teleprompter. Dick Cheney
(4) heads up a list of other conservatives who went way off the
deep end last week, with Jimmy Swaggart (6) following close behind.
Elsewhere, the Rather Haters (7,8) are gleefully shutting down the
last remnants of real investigative journalism, and the rest of
The Media (9) are licking their chops at the prospect of the upcoming
presidential debates. And what would the Top Ten be without Bill
O'Reilly? (10) Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
John Kerry is telling the truth about what's happening in Iraq,
and if there's one thing the Bush Boys don't like, it's truth-telling.
Last week an editorial in the Washington Post said
that recent accounts of events in Iraq are "bland to the
point of dishonesty." Wrote the Post, "Not only has Mr. Bush
not said how, or whether, he intends to respond to the worsening
situation - he doesn't really admit it exists. This duck-and-cover
strategy may have its political advantages, but it is also deeply
irresponsible and potentially dangerous." Bush's two-faced
approach to Iraq is indeed dangerous. First he said there were weapons
of mass destruction, and there weren't. Then he said there were
connections between Iraq and al Qaeda, and there weren't (even the
Department didn't think so). And now he says that democracy
is on the way in Iraq, and everything is just peachy-keen there.
News flash: it isn't. At the time of writing, September is the fifth
worst month for American soldiers in Iraq, with 63 service members
killed there since the end of August. Overall more than 135 foreigners
have been kidnapped
- several have been beheaded this month alone. But Bush is clearly
living on his own little fantasy planet. Last week he said,
"I saw a poll that said the right-track/wrong-track in Iraq was
better than here in America." You know, I'm not sure what's more
disturbing about that statement - Bush pretending that Iraqis think
they're heading in the right direction, or Bush being proud of the
fact that Iraqis are more confident about the future of Iraq than
Americans are about America. Still not delusional enough for you?
On Fox News last week, Bush was asked whether he would still put
on a flight suit and make the Mission Accomplished speech. 900 dead
soldiers later, Bush's response
was "absolutely." And Our Great Leader also brushed off
a recent CIA National Intelligence Estimate which claimed that scenarios
in Iraq ranged from "shitty" to "wow-that's-shitty,"
that just a "handful" of terrorists are operating
in Iraq (despite Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi saying
last week that terrorists are "pouring in"), and that
the CIA was just "guessing." Oh, well, gee - guessing?
I feel so much better.
Here's an odd thing - Ayad Allawi did say recently that terrorists
are "pouring" into Iraq. Yet, oddly, when he held a joint
press conference with George W. Bush at the White House last week,
he'd completely changed his tune. The Associated Press reported
that "Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi sees a bright future
for Iraqi democracy, brushing aside skeptics who say elections set
for January may be truncated or canceled altogether because of violence."
Unfortunately one of those skeptics is Donald Rumsfeld (remember
him?) who said last week that elections may not take place in areas
where violence is too great. Like, you know... Baghdad... and, um...
the entire Sunni Triangle. And most of the rest of the country.
Said Rumsfeld, "You have an election that's not quite perfect. Is
it better than not having an election? You bet." You bet indeed.
But getting back to Allawi... it certainly appears that Team Bush
had him well prepped to stay "on message," as he continued
to repeat the kind of rhetoric
that other Republican leaders (I'm looking at you, Dick Cheney)
have had to back away from in recent weeks. He told
Jim Lehrer, "Well, I assure you if Saddam was still there,
terrorists will be hitting there again at Washington and New York,
as they did in the murderous attack in September; they'll be hitting
also on other places in Europe and the Middle East." In other
words, elect George Bush or you'll all be blown to smithereens.
Never mind the fact that Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11, had
no weapons of mass destruction, and didn't even have an army to
speak of. Deposing him was the right thing to do - although
having a plan to make things work after deposing him appears to
have been just slightly overlooked.
W. Bush and Ayad Allawi
Last week two-faced
Bush told a bald-faced lie about John Kerry at several campaign
appearances. Bush claimed
that, "Incredibly, this week, my opponent said he would prefer the
dictatorship of Saddam Hussein to the situation in Iraq today."
Except that's not what John Kerry said at all. What Kerry actually
said was this: "Saddam Hussein was a brutal dictator who deserves
his own special place in hell. But that was not, that was not, in
and of itself, a reason to go to war." Hmm. But while we're on the
subject of preferring dictatorships, you might be interested to
know that the man Bush installed as Prime Minister of Iraq and invited
to the White House and Congress last week, apparently used to be
an assassin for Saddam Hussein, and helped Saddam get into power
in the first place. Not only that, but his medical degree was allegedly
"conferred upon him by the Baath party," and he was recently
accused of personally executing several Iraqi insurgents. According
to the Sydney Morning Herald, "he threatens martial
law; he warns he might shut down sections of the media; he suggests
he might delay elections. His Justice Minister is bringing back
the death penalty; his Defense Minister warns he'll chop off insurgents'
hands and heads." So if you're looking for free and fair elections
in Iraq, you'll probably have better luck looking in Florida. And
that's saying something.
But you'd better think twice if you want to tell the truth about
Ayad Allawi and the situation in Iraq - because if you do, look
out! Dick Cheney is on the rampage, and it's not a pretty sight.
John Kerry last week for the heinous crime of truth-telling, saying
he was "appalled" by Kerry's "lack of respect"
for Allawi. What's that, Dick? You've brought Saddam's former assassin
over to act as a prop for your election campaign, and Kerry isn't
allowed to mention that you're telling fibs about every single aspect
of the Iraqi misadventure? Get off your high horse. Cheney went
on: "John Kerry is trying to tear down all the good that has been
accomplished, and his words are destructive to our effort in Iraq
and in the global war on terror." What bullshit. Here's the
truth, Dick: you and George fucked Iraq up but good, and now you
can't fix it. So rather than tell the truth about what's happening
over there, you're endangering us, the Iraqi people, and the rest
of the world by lying, spinning, and creating bizarre fantasies
about the situation there. This is how you got us into Iraq in the
first place, and this is the only way you know how to deal with
Waaaah! Team Bush, reeling from John Kerry's recent tough attacks
Two-Face's mishandling of Iraq and the war on terror, have come
up with the lamest campaign idea ever - they're saying John Kerry
is COPYING George W. Bush! Jeez, guys, why don't you tell the teacher?
"Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones! John Kerry is COPYING me!" Kerry
said last week that Iraq was a "profound diversion" from
hunting down al Qaeda, and promised, "I will never take my
eye off the ball." In response, "the Bush-Cheney campaign said
Kerry is 'copying' Bush's anti-terror plan, even as he attacks the
way Bush is waging that fight," according
to NBC News 10. Odd - it seems to me that if Kerry really was
copying Bush he'd be lying to everyone about the progress being
made in Iraq, fabricating stories about how invading Iraq was vital
to preventing another 9/11, and making stuff up about the Iraqi
people throwing flowers at the feet of our soldiers before dashing
hand-in-hand to the polls in January. Doesn't sound like Kerry is
copying Bush to me.
But let's leave the serious topics behind now and get onto some
more lighthearted entertainment. Last week serial prostitute-procurer
Jimmy Swaggart said on his popular television show, "I've never
seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I'm going to be blunt
and plain: If one ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill
him and tell God he died." Wait a second - that doesn't sound very
lighthearted. But don't worry, it's okay - see, Swaggart later clarified
his position, saying his comments were "meant to be a joke."
Oh, a-ha ha ha! I get it now! It's all a big joke! Man, don't you
just love it when evangelist preachers make jokes about killing
homosexuals? Hoo-boy. Swaggart made the remarks to "applause
and laughs" during a televised sermon, but has since apologized,
saying "I am totally opposed to any type of violence against
anyone." He added, "Everyone except gay men, that is.
I'd kill them." He further added, "Just a joke, get it?"
He concluded, "Does anyone know where I can get a hooker 'round
The outcry over the infamous CBS memos has reached truly ridiculous
proportions. For some reason it seems that these memos - which were
not even central to the story of Bush going AWOL from the National
Guard - are now THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. And the utter
hypocrisy of the right-wing spin machine is, in my opinion, about
to create some kind of dangerous rip in the space-time continuum.
quote from Mike Krempasky, who set up Rathergate.com. Before
you read it, pretend that he's talking about George W. Bush and
the way this administration invaded Iraq based on politicized and
profoundly wrong intelligence, leading us into a poorly-managed
occupation which has taken the lives of thousands upon thousands
of people. Okay? Here we go: "The buck has to stop ... He's certainly
the face of the story. He's the one who sneered at anyone who dared
criticize him on the story for 10 days. He's the one who put his
credibility on the line when he said he believed in the story."
Except he's not talking about George W. Bush, he's talking about
Dan Rather. Has the world gone completely insane? Meanwhile,
some media corporations have removed CBS from their radio stations'
broadcast schedules, allegedly because of listener uproar. "We had
so much outcry from our listeners. They were calling and complaining
and saying they wouldn't listen to a CBS newscast anymore," said
Lisa Sinclair, general manager of Sinclair Communications. "This
is a conservative market, and people felt that CBS was exhibiting
a great deal of liberal bias and lost credibility with this situation."
By the way, if the name Sinclair rings a bell, it's because they're
a bunch of right-wing
nutjobs who were featured back in Idiots 154
when they refused to air Nightline's special broadcast honoring
soldiers killed in Iraq. So you can bet they were really
disappointed about getting rid of Dan Rather. I bet they took all
of, I dunno, two calls before they caved.
Unfortunately, the fact is that the pressure the Rather Haters are
putting on CBS is paying off - last week CBS announced
that are shelving a report on Iraq's lack of weapons of mass destruction.
Why? Because apparently it would be "inappropriate" to
air it so close to an election. Inappropriate? So how long
does the media have to stop reporting the news before an
election? Six weeks? Seven? I didn't realize there was a statute
of limitations on this kind of thing. Add to that the fact that
the CEO of CBS's parent company Viacom announced
last week that he was a Bush supporter, and you have a very nice
squeeze that the right-wingers are putting on CBS. So all you reporters
who still believe in the power of investigative journalism, I'm
afraid your days are numbered. Now please, everyone return to your
TV sets and watch the talking heads shout at one another. It's thoroughly
uninformative and it's not very entertaining, but with the election
just over a month away we certainly wouldn't want the media to rock
the boat by reporting actual news stories, would we?
With the first of the presidential debates scheduled for this Thursday,
I think it's important to put things in perspective. First of all,
forget about all this low expectations bullcrap. When it comes to
public speaking, George Bush is pathetic. Kerry will wipe
the floor with him without even breaking a sweat. HOWEVER, this
does not necessarily mean that Kerry will win the debates. In fact,
Kerry's chances are slim, and here's why: the following handy list
comes courtesy of DUer Sparkly,
and is a concise summary of what will happen after each presidential
debate. Keep this list handy on September 30th, and see how many
of these pundit points YOU can spot when the debate ends!
he's serious - they'll say he's glum, gloomy, pessimistic,
If he's jovial - they'll say he's phony and trying
he's serious - he's presidential, the war-time commander
If he's jovial- everybody wants to have a beer with
he's forceful - they'll say he's too aggressive, mean, negative,
If he's calm - they'll say he's weak, unsteady, dull,
- they'll say he's strong, resolute, unwavering.
If he's calm - they'll say he's prepared, on-message,
- they'll say he's wonkish, presenting "laundry lists," being
overly-intellectual, show-offy, and nobody likes the smart kid.
If he's not specific - they'll say he's vague, criticizing
but not offering solutions, not addressing the issues, and nobody
knows who he is.
- they'll say he "lays out his plan" and "makes his case."
If he's not specific - they'll say he's spanning
the issues, giving a global presentation, painting a broad outline
of his plans.
- they'll say he lacks gravitas, trivializes important issues,
doesn't understand troops are in harm's way, nation's at war,
disrespects the president, etc.
If he doesn't joke - they'll say he needs to lighten
up, he's too stoney, he's wooden.
- they'll say he's a man of the people, a regular guy, people
relate to him.
If he doesn't joke - they'll say he truly cares about
the American people and his sincerity resonates with voters
in this difficult time.
Plus, if Bush finds his podium and doesn't
trip on his way to it, he's surpassed all expectations. (Extra points
for correct pronunciation of "Abu Ghraib" or "nuclear.")
And finally, there's intriguing news from the world of one of our
favorite conservative idiots, Bill O'Reilly. After his recent stellar
rebuttal of Mr. Jack Mehoffer (see Idiots 170),
it seems that Bill is starting to think bigger than Fox News prime-time.
So, what's next for the blotchiest loudmouth on television? Well,
it seems that Mr. O'Reilly may be contemplating politics as a job
rather than simply a tool to annoy people. That's right - our Bill
may well be planning to run
for the United States Senate. But don't get too excited - if
Bill does take the plunge he'll be going toe-to-toe with Hillary
Clinton, so his plunge could well end up being a long, screaming
plummet, followed by a loud splash and then a sort of gurgling sound.
Insiders aren't sure why O'Reilly would want a seat in the Senate,
but it's possible that he's trying to break Alan Keyes' current
record for Worst Senate Candidate Of All Time. Although if it
does happen, I can't wait for him to try to tell Hillary to "shut
up, shut up, just shut up" during the debates. He'll be picking
his teeth up off the floor. See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots
list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's
of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives"
- excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran
Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the
Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington,
New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as
a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a
local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local,
state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went
down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state
DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in
politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can
drop him a line at [email protected].
Note: You can now link directly
to a Top Ten item by adding "#" plus the number
of the item to the URL. So if you wish to point someone directly
to, for example, number 6 on this week's list, add "#6"
to the end of the URL so it looks like this:
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