Democratic Underground

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 164)

July 19, 2004
Union of Man and Box Turtle Edition

It must be election season again. Even though this country has real problems that need to be addressed, the GOP Spin Machine (1) has its collective panties in a bunch over a few jokes. But they weren't the only people ignoring real issues. Rick Santorum (2) and John Cornyn (3) were protecting our nation from the terrifying threat of gay marriage. And man-box turtle marriage. But speaking of terrifying: We've got two folks on the list this week, Iyad Allawi (6) and Gary Allen Beebe (9), who are, um, pro-murder. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!

Note: You can now link directly to a Top Ten item by adding "#" plus the number of the item to the URL. So if you wish to point someone directly to, for example, number 6 on this week's list, add "#6" to the end of the URL so it looks like this:

1The GOP Spin Machine partisanship excessive spin excessive spin
Stop the presses! The sound of conservative heads popping off could be heard nationwide last week after Team Bush decided to make an issue out of... Whoopi Goldberg. That's right folks - almost 1,000 of our soldiers have died in Iraq, we've spent more than $100 billion dollars over there while cutting back funding for veterans and first responders at home, Bush insists that "America is safer" while his administration simultaneously warns that the terrorists could strike at any time... but for God's sake, IS THERE A MORE IMPORTANT ISSUE FACING THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW THAN WHOOPI GOLDBERG AND HER EVIL HOLLYWOOD FRIENDS? Surely not! Goldberg appeared at a fundraiser for John Kerry last week, and - as a comedienne who is famous for making off-color jokes - made some off-color jokes about George Bush. We're not sure what the jokes were, but we suspect they had something to do with Bush's name and some vulgar expressions for the word "vagina." Yes - you heard right - these comments by Goldberg surely signal the End Times. Ken Mehlman, Bush's campaign manager, immediately swung into action and wrote a letter to the Kerry campaign demanding that footage of the event be released. The Washington Times editorial page blew the top off the hypocrisy meter by suggesting that "Mr. Kerry and Mr. Edwards should... explain why vulgar sexual innuendoes and crude insults belong in an official campaign for the presidency of the United States." (Funny, I don't remember Dick Cheney apologizing to Patrick Leahy.) But there's more: "The incident reveals some unlovely aspects of the Kerry-Edwards 'dream' candidacy, and the American public deserves to know." Ah yes - the American public deserves to know. In response to the spluttering protestations of the GOP, Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill wrote a letter back to Ken Mehlman saying that the Kerry campaign would release the footage if the Bush campaign released:

  • "Any copies of the President's military records that would actually prove he fulfilled the terms of his military service";
  • "All correspondence between the Defense Department and the White House regarding the no-bid contracts that have gone to the Vice-President's former company [Halliburton]";
  • "[The Dick Cheney/Ken Lay/Enron secret energy policy documents] so that the country can learn what lobbyists and special interests wrote the White House energy policy";
  • "all White House correspondence between the pharmaceutical industry and the Administration regarding the Medicare Bill, which gave billions to some of the President's biggest donors"; and
  • "a selected number of documents regarding the White House's involvement in laying the legal foundation for the interrogation methods that were used in Iraq."

The letter also noted that "As we are sure you and the attorneys representing the President, Vice-President and other White House officials are aware, today marks one year since Administration sources leaked the identity of a covert CIA agent to Bob Novak in an effort to retaliate against a critic of the Administration." Ah, what can I say but... touché.

2Rick Santorum homophobia homophobia
Sen. Rick "Loser" Santorum was soundly defeated last week in his latest bid to eliminate homosexuality when the Senate came nowhere near passing a measure which would have kept alive the possibility of a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. The procedure required 60 votes to pass and went down 50-48 with 45 Republicans voting for the banning of gay marriage, and 44 Democrats voting against. (And they say there's no difference between the parties. Tsk tsk.) Said Santorum, "I would argue that the future of our country hangs in the balance because the future of marriage hangs in the balance. Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" Uh, what? Well, no, not really. What an odd thing to say. He must have been distracted by the smell of loooooooosing.

3John Cornyn homophobia dumb dumb dumb
Mind you - I could be wrong and Santorum could be right. I mean, last week Lynne Cheney said that she thought that a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage was dumb and that individual states should decide the issue. Her husband, Crashcart, thinks that gay marriage would destroy the very fabric of American society. (At least, that's what he thinks now, anyway.) So maybe the Cheneys do need their marriage "defended" from this issue after all. Perhaps Loser Santorum could stand in the middle of the kitchen waving his arms helplessly while they throw plates at one another. But enough of those awful people, let's talk about John Cornyn. During last week's gay marriage debate, the senator from Texas said, "It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife." Yes folks - that's right - John Cornyn has lost his mind! See how evil homosexuality is? It's ruined the vice president's marriage and driven a United States senator completely insane.

4Illinois GOP homophobia drugs sex booze
Things are looking grim for the Illinois GOP. Jack Ryan - their first choice candidate to face off against Barack Obama this November - dropped out recently because of, well, a sex fiasco (see Idiots 161). And sadly, their second choice candidate dropped out last week too. In true Groping-Austrian-Beefcake-style-over-substance fashion, the GOP attempted to tap ex-Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka to run. The self-described "ultra-ultra-ultra conservative" flirted with the idea for a week, and then decided that he was more suited to talking about sports on TV. "I don't know how I'd react under the scrutiny," said Ditka. "I don't know how I'd react on the Senate floor if I got into a confrontation with somebody I didn't really appreciate or maybe didn't appreciate me." Hmmm..... as far as I know, the new method of dealing with situations like that is to tell them to go fuck themselves. But it gets worse for the Illinois GOP - their latest hope, former drug czar Andrea Grubb Barthwell, was discovered last week to have "engaged in lewd and abusive behavior" after an internal investigation revealed that she made multiple derogatory remarks about an employee's sexual orientation. Crikey! Oh, and I almost forgot - she used to be an "alcohol, cocaine, prescription drugs and marijuana" addict. So the question now is: can the Illinois GOP find a replacement candidate who's not a pervert, a flaky celebrity, or a homophobic drug addict to run for Senate... before it's too late?

5Bill O'Reilly excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin
Clang! That sound was Bill O'Reilly's reputation dropping through the floor. Yes, yes - we all know that "newsman" O'Reilly is a conservative hack with a tendency to tell his guests to "shut up, shut up, just shut up," but did you know that he also re-records portions of his show if the facts don't fit his story? Last week The Nation's David Cole wrote about an appearance he made on the O'Reilly Factor in June, where he observed Billy Boy's so-called "No Spin Zone" firsthand. Cole writes that O'Reilly began with a "rant" claiming that he had established a link between al Qaeda and Iraq, and proceeded to play a clip of Thomas Kean, head of the 9/11 Commission. In the clip, Kean said, "There is no evidence that we can find whatsoever that Iraq or Saddam Hussein participated in any way in attacks on the United States, in other words, on 9/11. What we do say, however, is there were contacts between Iraq and Saddam Hussein. Iraq, Saddam - excuse me. Al Qaeda." O'Reilly then interrupted and said, "We can't use that.... We need to redo the whole thing," before re-recording the intro. This time he left out the video clip and paraphrased Kean as saying there "definitely there was a connection between Saddam and Al Qaeda." Now that's what I call journalism! So there you have it folks: No Spin Zone = Bag Of Shit.

6Iyad Allawi just plain evil
Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Our appointed Saddam replacement, Iyad Allawi, seems to be picking up where his predecessor left off, apparently executing six Iraqi insurgents in cold blood while Iraqi policemen and American security guards watched in "stunned silence." According to the Sydney Morning Herald, "the prisoners - handcuffed and blindfolded - were lined up against a wall in a courtyard adjacent to the maximum-security cell block in which they were held at the Al-Amariyah security center," before Dr. Allawi - allegedly a former Mukhabarat agent - put a bullet in each of their heads. The executed men were suspected terrorists - although whether or not there was any evidence to prove that is not clear - but don't worry, because apparently "One witness justified the shootings as an unintended act of mercy: "They were happy to die because they had already been beaten by the police for two to eight hours a day to make them talk." So that's okay then. Hey - who wants to bet that in twenty years time President George P. Bush invades Iraq to free the people from the tyrannical grip of the mad dictator Iyad Allawi? That's one scenario - but let's face it, it's more likely that in twenty years time our troops will still be there propping him up.

7The Bush Administration fearmongering election stealing
In Idiots 163 we noted the political implications of Tom Ridge's latest terror alert - but a small part of that announcement became big news last week when Bush administration officials admitted they were investigating ways to postpone November's general election in the event of an attack. What? That's right - despite the fact that this country held successful elections during the Civil War and during World War II, this administration thinks the "War on Terror" is important enough to prevent voters from heading to the polls. It all began when DeForest Soaries Jr., chairman of the U.S. Election Assistance Commission, sent a letter to Tom Ridge asking whether the election could be postponed. And according to CNN, "The department has referred questions about the matter to the Department of Justice's Office of Legal Counsel." Ridge, for his part, keeps referring to a potential terrorist attack as "an effort to disrupt the democratic process." So what better way to avoid disrupting the democratic process than by postponing the election? Um...

8Don Dwyer unconstitutional
Don Dwyer is a member of the Maryland House of Delegates, and is proud to be a true conservative idiot (visit his website if you're interested in putting a stop to the "Gay Agenda"). So why is he on the list this week? Allow me to explain. Recently, 70-year-old Margaret Sayer noticed that the Senior Center she attended in Anne Arundel County had added a moment of silence before meals, for prayer and contemplation. She had no problem with that whatsoever - but it wasn't long before the moment of silence became an organized Christian prayer session. That made Margaret uncomfortable, and as the Ann Arundel Senior Center is a taxpayer-funded organization run by the county, she decided to write to Delegate Don Dwyer for assistance. Guess what? Don's an asshole! He wrote back telling Margaret that she should "immediately stop any attempt to interfere with the religious freedoms of my constituents who use the Brooklyn Park Senior Center," and "If the atheist (sic) of Maryland want something different then I would suggest building an atheist Senior Center where you won't have to hear any prayers but leave my people alone." Got that, atheist senior citizens of Maryland? Leave "Don's People" alone, and if you want any of that so-called "separation of church and state," you'll have to segregate yourself from the rest of society. Enjoy!

9 Gary Allen Beebe just plain evil
Gary Allen Beebe, a Republican candidate for Sheriff of Forsyth County, Georgia, was recently busted by the FBI. Despite the fact that the "Code of Ethics" section on Beebe's campaign website read, "I shall ensure that during my tenure as sheriff I shall not use the office of sheriff for private or personal gain," he was arrested just one week before the election after "allegedly accepting thousands of dollars from undercover FBI informants with the promise that he would give them special treatment if elected, including making sure a planned murder would go unsolved," according to the Associated Press. Murder? That's right - apparently "During a meeting with one of the informants... Beebe said he would grant permission to rob known drug dealers in Forsyth County that have eluded police. When an informant asked Beebe if he could 'put a cap' in a person who he felt had wronged him, Beebe responded that it would be an 'unsolved murder.'" I expect Bill Clinton's penis made him do it. Or that damned liberal media.

10George W. Bush dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
And finally, I guess George W. Bush really has convinced himself that Democrats are terrorists! Last week, in a long article on Barack Obama by the New Yorker, this gem appeared: "Jan Schakowsky told me about a recent visit she had made to the White House with a congressional delegation. On her way out, she said, President Bush noticed her 'Obama' button. 'He jumped back, almost literally,' she said. 'And I knew what he was thinking. So I reassured him it was Obama, with a 'b.' And I explained who he was. The President said, 'Well, I don't know him.' So I just said, 'You will.'" That's right - Our Great Leader actually thinks that Democrats are walking around Washington DC wearing "Osama" buttons! Does a man this unstable really deserve a second term? I think not!

Important note: we're going to Boston for the Democratic National Convention next week so unfortunately there won't be another Top Ten until August 9. Sorry for the inconvenience, but hopefully we'll have some interesting Convention stories to share with you when we get back.

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's Ring of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at

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