The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
July 19, 2004
Union of Man and Box Turtle Edition
must be election season again. Even though this country has real
problems that need to be addressed, the GOP Spin Machine (1) has
its collective panties in a bunch over a few jokes. But they weren't
the only people ignoring real issues. Rick Santorum (2) and John
Cornyn (3) were protecting our nation from the terrifying threat
of gay marriage. And man-box turtle marriage. But speaking of terrifying:
We've got two folks on the list this week, Iyad Allawi (6) and Gary
Allen Beebe (9), who are, um, pro-murder. Enjoy, and as usual, don't
forget the key!
Note: You can now link directly
to a Top Ten item by adding "#" plus the number
of the item to the URL. So if you wish to point someone directly
to, for example, number 6 on this week's list, add "#6"
to the end of the URL so it looks like this:
GOP Spin Machine
Stop the presses! The sound of conservative heads popping off could
be heard nationwide last week after Team Bush decided to make an
issue out of... Whoopi Goldberg. That's right folks - almost 1,000
of our soldiers have died in Iraq, we've spent more than $100 billion
dollars over there while cutting back funding for veterans and first
responders at home, Bush insists that "America is safer"
while his administration simultaneously warns that the terrorists
could strike at any time... but for God's sake, IS THERE A MORE
IMPORTANT ISSUE FACING THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW THAN WHOOPI GOLDBERG
AND HER EVIL HOLLYWOOD FRIENDS? Surely not! Goldberg appeared at
a fundraiser for John Kerry last week, and - as a comedienne who
is famous for making off-color jokes - made some off-color jokes
about George Bush. We're not sure what the jokes were, but we suspect
they had something to do with Bush's name and some vulgar expressions
for the word "vagina." Yes - you heard right - these comments
by Goldberg surely signal the End Times. Ken Mehlman, Bush's campaign
manager, immediately swung
into action and wrote a letter to the Kerry campaign demanding
that footage of the event be released. The Washington Times
editorial page blew the top off the hypocrisy meter by suggesting
that "Mr. Kerry and Mr. Edwards should... explain why vulgar
sexual innuendoes and crude insults belong in an official campaign
for the presidency of the United States." (Funny, I don't remember
Dick Cheney apologizing to Patrick Leahy.) But there's more: "The
incident reveals some unlovely aspects of the Kerry-Edwards 'dream'
candidacy, and the American public deserves to know." Ah yes
- the American public deserves to know. In response to the
spluttering protestations of the GOP, Kerry campaign manager Mary
Beth Cahill wrote
a letter back to Ken Mehlman saying that the Kerry campaign
would release the footage if the Bush campaign released:
- "Any copies of the President's military records that would
actually prove he fulfilled the terms of his military service";
- "All correspondence between the Defense Department and
the White House regarding the no-bid contracts that have gone
to the Vice-President's former company [Halliburton]";
- "[The Dick Cheney/Ken Lay/Enron secret energy policy documents]
so that the country can learn what lobbyists and special interests
wrote the White House energy policy";
- "all White House correspondence between the pharmaceutical
industry and the Administration regarding the Medicare Bill, which
gave billions to some of the President's biggest donors";
- "a selected number of documents regarding the White House's
involvement in laying the legal foundation for the interrogation
methods that were used in Iraq."
The letter also noted that "As we are sure you and the attorneys
representing the President, Vice-President and other White House
officials are aware, today marks one year since Administration sources
leaked the identity of a covert CIA agent to Bob Novak in an effort
to retaliate against a critic of the Administration." Ah, what
can I say but... touché.
Sen. Rick "Loser" Santorum
was soundly defeated last week in his latest bid to eliminate homosexuality
when the Senate came nowhere near passing a measure which would
have kept alive the possibility of a Constitutional amendment banning
gay marriage. The procedure required 60 votes to pass and went down
50-48 with 45 Republicans voting for the banning of gay marriage,
and 44 Democrats voting against. (And they say there's no
difference between the parties. Tsk tsk.) Said
Santorum, "I would argue that the future of our country hangs in
the balance because the future of marriage hangs in the balance.
Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending
marriage?" Uh, what? Well, no, not really. What an odd thing to
say. He must have been distracted by the smell of loooooooosing.
Mind you - I could be wrong and Santorum could be right. I mean,
last week Lynne Cheney said
that she thought that a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage
was dumb and that individual states should decide the issue. Her
husband, Crashcart, thinks that gay marriage would destroy the very
fabric of American society. (At least, that's what he thinks now,
anyway.) So maybe the Cheneys do need their marriage "defended"
from this issue after all. Perhaps Loser Santorum could stand in
the middle of the kitchen waving his arms helplessly while they
throw plates at one another. But enough of those awful people, let's
talk about John Cornyn. During last week's gay marriage debate,
the senator from Texas said,
"It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries
a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. Now you must raise
your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle
is on the same legal footing as man and wife." Yes folks - that's
right - John Cornyn has lost his mind! See how evil homosexuality
is? It's ruined the vice president's marriage and driven a United
States senator completely insane.
Things are looking grim for the Illinois GOP. Jack Ryan - their
first choice candidate to face off against Barack Obama this November
- dropped out recently because of, well, a sex fiasco (see Idiots
And sadly, their second choice candidate dropped out last week too.
In true Groping-Austrian-Beefcake-style-over-substance fashion,
the GOP attempted to tap ex-Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka to run.
"ultra-ultra-ultra conservative" flirted with the idea
for a week, and then
decided that he was more suited to talking about sports on TV.
"I don't know how I'd react under the scrutiny," said Ditka. "I
don't know how I'd react on the Senate floor if I got into a confrontation
with somebody I didn't really appreciate or maybe didn't appreciate
me." Hmmm..... as far as I know, the new method of dealing with
situations like that is to tell them to go fuck
themselves. But it gets worse for the Illinois GOP - their latest
hope, former drug czar Andrea Grubb Barthwell, was discovered
last week to have "engaged in lewd and abusive behavior" after an
internal investigation revealed that she made multiple derogatory
remarks about an employee's sexual orientation. Crikey! Oh, and
I almost forgot - she used to be an "alcohol, cocaine, prescription
drugs and marijuana" addict. So the question now is: can the
Illinois GOP find a replacement candidate who's not a pervert, a
flaky celebrity, or a homophobic drug addict to run for Senate...
before it's too late?
Clang! That sound was Bill O'Reilly's reputation dropping through
the floor. Yes, yes - we all know that "newsman" O'Reilly
is a conservative hack with a tendency to tell his guests to "shut
up, shut up, just shut up," but did you know that he also re-records
portions of his show if the facts don't fit his story? Last week
The Nation's David Cole wrote
about an appearance he made on the O'Reilly Factor in June,
where he observed Billy Boy's so-called "No Spin Zone"
firsthand. Cole writes that O'Reilly began with a "rant"
claiming that he had established a link between al Qaeda and Iraq,
and proceeded to play a clip of Thomas Kean, head of the 9/11 Commission.
In the clip, Kean said, "There is no evidence that we can find
whatsoever that Iraq or Saddam Hussein participated in any way in
attacks on the United States, in other words, on 9/11. What we do
say, however, is there were contacts between Iraq and Saddam Hussein.
Iraq, Saddam - excuse me. Al Qaeda." O'Reilly then interrupted and
said, "We can't use that.... We need to redo the whole thing,"
before re-recording the intro. This time he left out the video clip
and paraphrased Kean as saying there "definitely there was a connection
between Saddam and Al Qaeda." Now that's what I call journalism!
So there you have it folks: No Spin Zone = Bag Of Shit.
Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Our appointed Saddam replacement,
Iyad Allawi, seems to be picking up where his predecessor left off,
apparently executing six Iraqi insurgents in cold blood while Iraqi
policemen and American security guards watched in "stunned
to the Sydney Morning Herald, "the prisoners - handcuffed
and blindfolded - were lined up against a wall in a courtyard adjacent
to the maximum-security cell block in which they were held at the
Al-Amariyah security center," before Dr. Allawi - allegedly
a former Mukhabarat agent - put a bullet in each of their heads.
The executed men were suspected terrorists - although whether or
not there was any evidence to prove that is not clear - but don't
worry, because apparently "One witness justified the shootings
as an unintended act of mercy: "They were happy to die because they
had already been beaten by the police for two to eight hours a day
to make them talk." So that's okay then. Hey - who wants to bet
that in twenty years time President George P. Bush invades Iraq
to free the people from the tyrannical grip of the mad dictator
Iyad Allawi? That's one scenario - but let's face it, it's more
likely that in twenty years time our troops will still be there
propping him up.
In Idiots 163 we noted the political implications
of Tom Ridge's latest terror alert - but a small part of that announcement
became big news last week when Bush administration officials admitted
they were investigating ways to postpone November's general election
in the event of an attack. What? That's right - despite the fact
that this country held successful elections during the Civil War
and during World War II, this administration thinks the "War
on Terror" is important enough to prevent voters from heading
to the polls. It all began when DeForest Soaries Jr., chairman of
the U.S. Election Assistance Commission, sent a letter to Tom Ridge
asking whether the election could be postponed. And according
to CNN, "The department has referred questions about the
matter to the Department of Justice's Office of Legal Counsel."
Ridge, for his part, keeps referring to a potential terrorist attack
as "an effort to disrupt the democratic process." So what better
way to avoid disrupting the democratic process than by postponing
the election? Um...
Don Dwyer is a member of the Maryland House of Delegates, and is
proud to be a true conservative idiot (visit his website
if you're interested in putting a stop to the "Gay Agenda").
So why is he on the list this week? Allow me to explain. Recently,
70-year-old Margaret Sayer noticed that the Senior Center she attended
in Anne Arundel County had added a moment of silence before meals,
for prayer and contemplation. She had no problem with that whatsoever
- but it wasn't long before the moment of silence became an organized
Christian prayer session. That made Margaret uncomfortable, and
as the Ann Arundel Senior Center is a taxpayer-funded organization
run by the county, she decided to write to Delegate Don Dwyer for
assistance. Guess what? Don's an asshole! He wrote back telling
Margaret that she should "immediately stop any attempt to interfere
with the religious freedoms of my constituents who use the Brooklyn
Park Senior Center," and "If the atheist (sic) of Maryland
want something different then I would suggest building an atheist
Senior Center where you won't have to hear any prayers but leave
my people alone." Got that, atheist senior citizens of Maryland?
Leave "Don's People" alone, and if you want any of that
so-called "separation of church and state," you'll have
to segregate yourself from the rest of society. Enjoy!
Gary Allen Beebe
Gary Allen Beebe, a Republican candidate for Sheriff of Forsyth
County, Georgia, was recently busted by the FBI. Despite the fact
that the "Code of Ethics" section on Beebe's campaign
website read, "I shall ensure that during my tenure as sheriff I
shall not use the office of sheriff for private or personal gain,"
he was arrested just one week before the election after "allegedly
accepting thousands of dollars from undercover FBI informants with
the promise that he would give them special treatment if elected,
including making sure a planned murder would go unsolved,"
to the Associated Press. Murder? That's right - apparently "During
a meeting with one of the informants... Beebe said he would grant
permission to rob known drug dealers in Forsyth County that have
eluded police. When an informant asked Beebe if he could 'put a
cap' in a person who he felt had wronged him, Beebe responded that
it would be an 'unsolved murder.'" I expect Bill Clinton's
penis made him do it. Or that damned liberal media.
And finally, I guess George W. Bush really has convinced
himself that Democrats are terrorists! Last week, in a long article
on Barack Obama by the New Yorker, this
gem appeared: "Jan Schakowsky told me about a recent visit
she had made to the White House with a congressional delegation.
On her way out, she said, President Bush noticed her 'Obama' button.
'He jumped back, almost literally,' she said. 'And I knew what he
was thinking. So I reassured him it was Obama, with a 'b.' And I
explained who he was. The President said, 'Well, I don't know him.'
So I just said, 'You will.'" That's right - Our Great Leader
actually thinks that Democrats are walking around Washington DC
wearing "Osama" buttons! Does a man this unstable really
deserve a second term? I think not!
Important note: we're going to Boston for the Democratic National
Convention next week so unfortunately there won't be another Top
Ten until August 9. Sorry for the inconvenience, but hopefully we'll
have some interesting Convention stories to share with you when
we get back.
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots
list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's
of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives"
- excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran
Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the
Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington,
New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as
a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a
local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local,
state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went
down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state
DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in
politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can
drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com.
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