The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 160)
June
21, 2004
No Collaborative Relationship Edition
Just
in case you've been high on crack for the last year-and-a-half,
here's a shocking news flash, courtesy of the 9/11 Commission:
There was no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda, despite what the
Bush Administration (1) has been claiming. But don't worry,
Dick Cheney (2) has a very convincing argument in their defense...
er, probably. But Dick's not the only person spinning this week!
Move America Forward (4) is trying to explain away "Fahrenheit
9/11," Citizens United (8) is engaging in some good old
fashioned Clinton-bashing, and Ken Mehlman (9) is just making
stuff up. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!
The
Bush Administration
The 9/11 report was finally released last week, and one of
its most interesting
revelations is something people who haven't been watching
Fox News have known all along - there was no "collaborative
relationship" between Iraq and al-Qaeda. But Our Great
Leader immediately hit
back: despite the fact that Osama bin Laden has in the
past called Saddam Hussein an "infidel," Bush said
last week, "There was a relationship between Iraq and
al-Qaeda." Uh, never mind the conclusions of that bipartisan
commission which has been studying the issue day in and day
out for the last year - pay attention to The Man You Can Trust,
George W. Bush. He also said, "This Administration never
said that the 9/11 attacks were orchestrated between Saddam
and al-Qaeda." But on May 1, 2003 he did
say, "The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war
on terror that began on September 11th, 2001, and still goes
on." And according
to the Christian Science Monitor, in a March 2003
press conference "which focused almost solely on Iraq,
President Bush mentioned Sept. 11 eight times." And in
February 2003, Colin Powell did
say, "We've learned that Iraq has trained al-Qaeda
members in bomb-making and poisons and deadly gases. And we
know that after September 11, Saddam Hussein's regime gleefully
celebrated the terrorist attacks on America." And in
September 2003, Dick Cheney did
say that Iraq was "the geographic base of the terrorists
who have had us under assault now for many years, but most
especially on 9/11." And... well, you get the picture.
Dick
Cheney
Not only is the Bush administration still asserting a link
between Iraq and al Qaeda, but Dick Cheney announced
last week that he "probably" has information which
the 9/11 Commission didn't see. In an interview on CNBC, Cheney
continued to refute the Commission's findings and repeated
the debunked story that Mohammed Atta had met with an Iraqi
intelligence agent in 2000. Later, the Commission's Republican
chairman, Thomas Kean, said, "It sounds like the White
House has evidence that we didn't have. I would like to see
the evidence that Mr. Cheney is talking about." The Democratic
vice chairman, Lee Hamilton, said, he would be "very
disappointed" if the White House had withheld information
from the Commission. So the question remains - if Cheney is
so sure that al Qaeda was working with Iraq because he "probably"
has information that the 9/11 Commission doesn't, why didn't
he give that information to the Commission? After all,
surely the vice president of the United States wouldn't want
to sit on information which could assist the people investigating
the worst terrorist attack in history. Especially if
that information proved beyond all doubt that the administration
had a good reason for going to war with Iraq. Oh - wait a
minute. He's just making it up, isn't he.
The
Bush Administration

So no weapons of destruction have been found, and now we learn
that there's no connection between 9/11 and Iraq. Seeing his
justifications for invasion disappearing before his eyes,
Our Great Leader has started grasping at straws. The latest
boogeyman in Bush's closet is Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi, the terrorist
who apparently beheaded Nick Berg and has been behind some
of the post-invasion bombings in Iraq. al-Zarqawi is Bush's
last best hope to claim that Iraq and al-Qaeda were in cahoots,
despite the fact that there is no
evidence to prove that al-Zarqawi had anything to do with
Saddam Hussein. Not only that, but last week Donald Rumsfeld
even went so far as to say
that al-Zarqawi "may very well not have sworn allegiance
to UBL," and, "Now, therefore, someone could legitimately
say he's not al-Qaeda." So let me get this straight -
al-Zarqawi is not connected to al-Qaeda or Saddam Hussein,
and this is their proof that there's a link between al-Qaeda
and Iraq? Bizarre. I mean, al-Zarqawi is clearly a dangerous,
murderous bastard, but perhaps the administration should have
thought of that before they turned down the opportunity to
capture him THREE
TIMES. Unless they thought they might need him if they
ever had to come up with a bogus link between Iraq and al-Qaeda,
of course.
Move
America Forward

What's the best way to take America forward? Why, by preventing
people from seeing Michael Moore's new movie, dummy! Because
you see, some
people's idea of the best way to "Move America Forward"
is for everyone to bury their heads in the sand and repeat
to themselves "Bush is perfect. America never makes a
mistake." Actually Move America Forward is a new "non-partisan"
group (made up entirely of conservative Bush supporters) who
are attempting to prevent movie theaters across the country
from screening "Fahrenheit 9/11" (tickets
available now). Executive Directory Siobhan Guiney (a
former Republican lobbyist) said, "(Moore) is critical
of what's happening right now, and there's no problem with
being critical - but his movie is not a documentary, it's
a piece of propaganda." Guiney's dire warning to beware
of propaganda was of course dutifully broadcast across the
nation 24 hours a day last week by conservative talk radio.
I dunno, perhaps they should rename their group Move America
Forward At A Steady Jog Towards The Edge Of A Cliff With Our
Fingers In Our Ears And Our Eyes Closed. Yep, sounds about
right.
Bill
Kristol
Rounding off the recent orgy of Reagan hypocrisy, Bill
Kristol had this to say on Fox News back in October of
2002: "Look, Paul Wellstone was a very political guy,
and I suspect he would have liked his own memorial service,
if I can put it that way. And the fact it was a little over
the top, and some of us maybe found it a little distasteful
and a little too partisan... There's a big tradition on the
left of turning funeral services into political rallies. If
you go back and look at the early days of the, you know, Socialist
Party here, and of course, abroad, as well..." Hmmm.
And here's what he had to say on Fox News Sunday last weekend:
"I think [Ronald Reagan] could have an impact if the
Bush campaign has the nerve to make it have an impact... No
one wants to politicize the death of a recent president. But
you know what? The Bush campaign should. And they should,
in my view, they should go up with an ad next week..."
What a jackass.
Cristina
V. Beato 
Here's an interesting story from two weeks ago that got brushed
aside in the wake of the Reagasm: it
appears that "The physician nominated nearly a year ago
to the nation's top-ranking health policy post has yet to
receive a Senate hearing - and may not be considered for confirmation
- amid questions about whether she fabricated or inflated
portions of her résumé," according
to the Washington Post. Cristina V. Beato was nominated
last July, but according to the Post, "officials
said they could find no evidence of her service" at several
institutions listed on her résumé," while
"former colleagues at the University of New Mexico and
an affiliated hospital in Albuquerque disputed assertions
she made, saying at a minimum she had puffed up her role in
several projects." Yes, Bush's nomination for the post
assistant secretary of health in the Department of Health
and Human Services appears to be a liar and a cheat. They
should give her the job - she'd be a perfect fit for this
administration.
George
W. Bush

If you need any more proof of Bush's inability to manage the
nation's finances, check out what he's doing to his campaign.
According
to the Associated Press, Bush has spent "seven of
every $10 he has raised for his re-election" so far,
and is now hitting his supporters up for more money. Despite
raising at least $218 million so far - blowing away the previous
fundraising record - Bush is spending himself into the ground
for very
little gain. And now he's sending emails to his supporters
whining about how Kerry "has certainly got his liberal
allies all stirred up to attack me." Awwww. Poor George.
Oh well, perhaps if the last four years haven't proven beyond
all doubt that Bush's talent for running companies into the
ground extends to his presidency, at least his supporters
might now start wondering what they're getting for all their
vanishing cash.
Citizens
United
Bill
Clinton has been out of office for nearly four years, but
conservative Clinton-haters just can't move on. In anticipation
of this week's release of Clinton's book, My Life,
Citizens
United unveiled a new attack ad
called "My Fault." (Funny, huh?) Since things aren't
going so well now that their own guy is in charge, desperate
conservatives are trying to deflect the blame using the only
trick they know: bashing Clinton. But listen closely
to the ad (if you can stand to waste 30 seconds of your life
on this trash) and you'll notice something interesting: They
don't actually say anything about Clinton's record on terrorism,
and instead just ask "What did Clinton do?" Presumably
they asked themselves that question, and decided it would
be better for them if they don't actually answer it. I suppose
we could give them credit that they didn't resort to outright
lying, for once.
Ken
Mehlman
Last week we noted that the Bush administration spent the
past several months bragging about a reduction in world terrorism,
before one of their own reports conclusively proved them wrong.
This week, the Bushies are at it again. In the wake of John
Kerry's recent criticism of Our Great Leader's Great Economic
Toilet Flush, Bush campaign manager Ken Mehlman released a
written
statement saying, "[John] Kerry's political attacks
are not supported by reality, which shows rising employment
and higher wages." Not so fast! Preliminary data revealed
last week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics of the U.S. Department
of Labor, indicates that "Real average weekly earnings
decreased by 0.4 percent from April to May after seasonal
adjustment." So... Ken Mehlman is just making shit up.
Sounds like the ideal guy to run Bush's campaign.
George
W. Bush
And finally, much has been made of John Kerry's alleged $1000
haircut, but whether it's true or not, at least he paid for
it himself. That's not the policy of George W. Bush, who,
it was revealed
last week, had a $100,000 platform erected for his entry into
a U.S. military cemetery during his recent visit to France.
That platform will of course be paid for by the U.S. taxpayer,
all because Our Great Leader wanted to "walk in style"
to a memorial ceremony. I should probably mention that Team
Bush also had several rows of bleachers torn down because
they weren't "esthetically pleasing," thus preventing
several thousand spectators from attending the event. Always
there for the common man, that's our George. See you next
week!
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