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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 157)
May
24, 2004
The Spy Who Screwed Us Edition
 Hey,
guess what? Turns out the guy who told us there were weapons
of mass destruction in Iraq is an Iranian spy! Way to go,
Bush Administration (1). There's also a rare appearance by
a "Democrat" on this week's list - witness Zell
Miller's (2) wonderful support for the Democratic nominee.
Elsewhere, Saddam's Replacements (3) are back in action, the
FDA (5) is cracking down on gays, and Rush Limbaugh (7) and
Chuck Colson (8) have simply gone mad. Finally, George W.
Bush (6, 9, 10) is a giant hypocrite, a terrible economist,
and can't ride a bike. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the
key!
 The
Bush Administration
Can the Bush administration be any more incompetent? You be
the judge. Last week Iraqi police, backed up by American troops,
raided the house of Iraqi Governing Council member Ahmad Chalabi
and searched the offices of the Iraqi National Congress. Why?
Because the INC are apparently a bunch of crooks. But that's
not all - the administration now believes they have "rock
solid" evidence that Chalabi and the INC have been
passing secrets to Iran. Funny - the administration thought
Chalabi was a pretty trustworthy guy when they were using
him and the INC as sources
of information about Saddam's alleged weapons of mass
destruction (which is of course the reason Bush gave for invading
Iraq in the first place). As it happens, that information
turned out to be bullcrap - but until very recently the government
continued to pay pots money to the INC anyway (see Idiots
145). So congratulations, Bush administration!
You based your case for war on information passed to you by
a convicted
criminal who turned out to be an Iranian spy! Bet the
Bushies feel a bit stupid for having him as a guest
of honor at the 2004 State of the Union Address now. There
is an interesting twist to this story though - it's possible
that the Bush administration are severing ties with Chalabi
because they still want him to rule Iraq and they figure that
this is the best way to give him more
credibility with the Iraqi people. Whichever way you look
at it, this is a very dangerous game that Bush and Co. are
playing.
 Zell
Miller
With friends like these... Zell "I'm A Real Democrat"
Miller was back in action last week - stumping for George
W. Bush. So that's what real Democrats do! They throw
all their support behind the Republican party. Now I understand.
First Miller read directly from the Rush Limbaugh handbook
and called his party's nominee an "out-of-touch, ultraliberal
from Taxachusetts" (how original), then called his record
on national defense "shameful" before repeating
the current Team
Bush lie that Kerry voted "against every single major
weapons system that won the Cold War." I mean, honestly. It's
one thing for a "Democrat" like Miller to criticize
Kerry, but when he starts literally cribbing from RNC fact
sheets the guy might as well just paint a fucking elephant
on his forehead and start ranting about femi-nazis. Fortunately
though, he also demonstrated that his bizarre pronouncements
are clearly the result of some kind of lobotomy gone wrong.
Last week Miller compared the Abu Ghraib torture scandal to
his gym class, saying,
"The two times I think I have been most humiliated in my life
was standing in a big room, naked as a jaybird with about
fifty others and they were checking us out, now that was humiliating.
It was humiliating showering with sixty others in a public
shower. It didn't kill us did it? No one ever died from humiliation."
Tell you what Zell, next time why don't you try it with your
hands tied behind your back and a sack on your head while
four Marines beat the living shit out of you? Don't forget
to ask them to wire some electrodes to your nuts and stick
a chemical light up your ass while they're at it. Oh, and
one more thing - tell me again how humiliating Arabs is helping
strengthen our national security?
 Saddam's
Replacements
There were more shocking photographs of abuse and torture
at the Abu Ghraib prison on display last week, and more details
of the treatment given to Iraqi prisoners of war. This
included "prisoners being ridden like animals, sexually
fondled by female soldiers and forced to retrieve their food
from toilets," according
to the Washington Post, not to mention being "pressed
to denounce Islam" (hey - they are following Ann
Coulter's advice!),
being "force-fed pork and liquor," and being "sexually
humiliated and assaulted, threatened with rape, and forced
to masturbate in front of female soldiers." But don't
worry folks, the handwringing over this is way
overdone. In related news, an alert reader pointed out
this interesting item which was noted way back in Idiots 77:
"Is the Bush Administration soft on torture? Last week
the UN held a vote on a protocol to provide strict monitoring
of prisons and other facilities to verify that torture is
not taking place. As democratic governments across Europe
and Latin America lined up in support of the measure, the
United States was opposed." Hmmm, now it all begins to
make sense. Interestingly, in the last ten days or so, almost
800 prisoners were released
from Abu Ghraib - many claiming to have been abused - and
close to 400 more will be released
May 28. That's about a fourth of the entire prison's population.
Gee, they must have been in there for really serious offenses.
Either that or we're releasing dangerous terrorists from prison
now. I dunno, I have no clue what the hell's going on over
there any more.
 Gary
Tripp
Bill Nevins was recently fired from the largest public high
school in New Mexico.
Why? Because he foolishly decided to help organize a school
poetry club. Yeah, yeah, I know that organizing a school poetry
club wasn't always a criminal offense in freedom-loving America,
but remember - we're now living in the Century of the Wingnut.
See, it turns out that one of Bill Nevins' students wrote
a poem that criticized the war in Iraq and the Bush administration,
which, in the Century of the Wingnut, is a crime apparently
comparable to ritual Satanic child abuse. When Rio Rancho's
military liaison officer heard the poem he complained to Principal
Gary Tripp, who promptly suspended Bill Nevins and then fired
him. The complaint? "Disrespectful speech." That's
right - there were no obscenities nor incitements to violence
in the poem, it was simply "disrespectful." But
that's
not all - Tripp then went on to ban the poetry club and
classes in poetry. He also ordered the student's mother -
who happens to be a teacher at Rio Rancho - to destroy her
daughter's poetry. The mother refused, and now her job has
been threatened too. But that's not all either! Tripp discovered
that some art students had created satirical posters in class
which criticized George W. Bush and promptly had the posters
torn down, then refused to renew the contracts of art teachers
who refused to participate in the destruction. Finally, at
a school event Tripp apparently read a poem of his own which
instructed those who disagreed with him to "Shut your
faces." I do hope Gary Tripp's students have learned
a valuable lesson from this incident - there's absolutely
no place for dissent (or critical thinking) in the Century
of the Wingnut. Heck, let's go shoot some poets! Who's with
me?
 The
FDA
The FDA announced new rules last week which would prevent
homosexual men from anonymously donating to sperm banks "in
the name of preventing transmittable diseases," according
to Yahoo News.
Yes, despite the fact that there is a 72 hour test which will
determine whether someone is HIV positive, despite the fact
that straight men can also contract STDs, and despite the
fact that the International Red Cross accepts blood donations
from gay men, the Bush administration is stepping up its push
to make sure that homosexuals are treated like second-class
citizens. After May 25, "agencies that collect tissues
or cells including sperm [must] ask the donor if he has had
sex with men or used injectable drugs in the past five years.
If the answer is affirmative in either case no donation is
allowed." I
mean, this is utterly ridiculous. So you show up to donate
sperm or blood. They ask you if you've had gay sex or injected
drugs in the last five years. You say "yes" and
you're barred from donating. But if you say "no"
then what - do they just take your sample on faith? Of course
they don't - they test it to make sure it's safe. So if they're
going to test it anyway, what's the point of asking the
friggin' question in the first place? Oh wait - I know.
It's to make homosexuals feel like sub-humans. Duh.
 George
W. Bush
While we're on the subject, last week George W. Bush was seen
celebrating the 50th anniversary of the landmark Brown
vs. Board of Education ruling which ended government-mandated
racial segregation in schools. What a thrill it was to see
Our Great Leader pontificating on the importance of civil
rights and the bravery of the justices who made the decision.
Later that day, in an ironic twist of space/time-bending proportions,
Bush reiterated
his call for a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage,
and ranted on about "activist judges" who are subverting
our sacred traditions. What, you mean like the sacred tradition
of segregated schools? Let's just hope it doesn't take 50
years for the nutjobs to come around this time.
 Rush
Limbaugh
Does Rush Limbaugh really have complete and utter contempt
for the intelligence of his audience? I guess so! Rush claimed
last week that the Abu Ghraib torture scandal is all the fault
of - hold on to your hats - Bill Clinton. You just knew that
was coming, didn't you? On his radio show the vulgar pigboy
said, "the Democrats are claiming this is a chain-of-command
thing, and they're trying to get this linked all the way to
Bush ... If Bill Clinton were still in office, I could accept
the notion this might come from the top and, in fact, depending
on the age of these soldiers over there they may in fact be.
How many stories have we had lately, oral sex is a great way
to stop teen pregnancy? That oral sex is a great way to have
safe sex, just had one this week. Who popularized oral sex
for the nation? And who was defended day in and day out royally
for doing so? Bill Clinton. And who defended him? The Democrats
who now find all kinds of atrocities in these photos coming
out of Abu Ghraib prison." Lord almighty, does Rush really
believe that his listeners are this stupid? Bill Clinton
"popularized oral sex?" You're kidding me. But there's
more: "the very people who have defended the sexual revolution
and have championed the so-called sexual revolution, who defended
any kind of sexual perversion in the Oval Office when it was
going on there when Bill Clinton was - those same people are
now the ones who are raising holy hell themselves about how
sick this is and how disgusting this is and how perverted
this is." So there you have it. And now if you'll excuse
me, I have to go bash my brains out.
 Chuck
Colson
But wait, stop the presses! Could there be a rift developing
in the Republican party machine?
Will conservatives soon be at one another's throats? No -
I'm not talking about the recent articles about GOP
infighting as Bush's poll numbers continue to slump -
I'm talking about who's to blame for the Abu Ghraib torture
scandal. And according to Chuck Colson of the Family Research
Council, Bill Clinton is not to blame! Take that, Rush
Limbaugh! Nope, Mr. Colson has an entirely different suspect
in mind. Colson announced his shocking revelation at a recent
pastor's briefing; the following day, FRC President Tony Perkins
emailed supporters saying,
"As Chuck Colson pointed out at yesterday's Pastors' Briefing,
when you mix young people who grew up on a steady diet of
MTV and pornography with a prison environment, you get the
abuse at Abu Ghraib." So there, Limbaugh. This is clearly
MTV's fault, not Bill Clinton's. Stick that in your crackpipe
and smoke it.
George
W. Bush
When Our Great Leader visited a Timken Corporation research
center in Canton, Ohio, last year, he had stood in front of
big banner which read "Jobs and Growth" and said,
the "greatest strength of the American economy is found
right here, right in this room, found in the pride and skill
of the American work force."
Uh, right. Well, according
to the Washington Post, "Last week, Timken
announced that the folks right there in that room are getting
fired." That's right - a year after Bush touted Timken
as a glowing example of why his economic policies are so great
for America, Timken announced that it would be laying off
up to 1,300 workers and closing down three major factories.
Way to go, Chimpster.
 George
W. Bush
And finally, if you need any more proof that Our Great Leader
is unstable, check this out: According
to Reuters, "President Bush suffered minor abrasions
after falling off a mountain bike on his Texas ranch on Saturday,
the White House said." That's right - clearly George
W. Bush has a balance problem. Top Ten readers will recall
that Dubya fell off a Segway back in June of 2003 (see Idiots
114)
- and those are supposed to be un-fall-offable - and now he's
nose-dived off a bicycle. "The 57-year-old Republican
president had cycled 16 miles of a 17-mile afternoon bike
course when he toppled over while riding downhill on soil
loosened by recent rainfall, White House spokesman Trent Duffy
told reporters." Yeah right - he probably fell on his
ass as soon as they took the training wheels off. Either that
or he decided a quick pre-ride pretzel wouldn't do any harm.
The
Top Ten will be taking a break for the Memorial Day holiday.
We'll see you in two weeks.
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