The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 140)
January 26, 2004
Conservative Broadcasting Shills Celebrate Bush Stupidity Edition

Are you ready for some football!? If you're looking forward to seeing those great Super Bowl ads this year, you should know that you're not going to see one of them. CBS (1) has decided that beer commercials with half-naked women are just fine, but advertisements about out nation's future are inappropriate. And speaking of inappropriate... Antonin Scalia (2) went hunting with Dick Cheney, who just happens to have business before the Supreme Court; Republican Senate staffers (3) were caught stealing documents from their Democratic counterparts; George W. Bush (4) used the State of the Union address to kick off his reelection campaign; and Trent Lott (10) was busted for trashing Hillary Clinton. As usual, don't forget the key!

CBS
If you were looking forward to seeing MoveOn.org's "Bush in 30 Seconds" ad contest winner during the Super Bowl, I'm afraid you're out of luck. CBS is refusing to air the commercial - which shows small children performing adult jobs and asks the question, "Guess who's going to pay off President Bush's $1 trillion deficit?" - because CBS claims they have a policy against running "advocacy advertising" and the MoveOn ad is too controversial. Funny, I thought the ad was just a simple statement of fact. I guess CBS has changed their "advocacy advertising" policy since last year's White House-sponsored Super Bowl ads which claimed that if you're a pot smoker you might as well just go to Israel and blow yourself up on a bus, you scumbag terrorist. But what's this? CBS is allowing the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy to run ads at this year's Super Bowl too? Well knock me down with a feather. Of course this has nothing to do with the fact that CBS's parent company Viacom has spent millions lobbying Congress to push through a law which will allow Viacom to grow even bigger. It also has nothing to do with the fact that CBS donates fat cash to the Republican party. No, what this means is that criticism of Our Great Leader's policies is now considered controversial by CBS, so you won't be seeing any of it on their network, thank you very much.

Antonin Scalia
A lawsuit attempting to reveal the details of Dick Cheney's secret energy policy meetings has gone all the way to the Supreme Court - but it looks like Vice President Crashcart will be sitting pretty when the final decision comes down. See, a mere three weeks after the Supreme Court decided to take the case, Dick Cheney invited Justice Antonin Scalia on a little hunting expedition down in Louisiana. Scalia - clearly ever-mindful of conflicts of interest and appearances of impropriety - accepted, and the two enjoyed a pleasant day or two hanging out together bagging waterfowl. But don't expect Scalia to recuse himself from the case - for some reason he doesn't seem to think that there's anything untoward about spending time chumming about with a man whose case he'll be deciding in a couple of months. In a recent letter to the Los Angeles Times Scalia wrote, "I do not think my impartiality could reasonably be questioned." Well I guess that clears that up then.

Senate Republicans
What are the first words that come into your head when you hear the word "Republicans?" For me it has to be "ethics" and "integrity." Don't you agree? Sure you do. So I expect you will be shocked - shocked - to learn that the GOP have been up to some very dirty tricks in the Senate for the better part of a year. Apparently members of the Senate Judiciary Committee Republican staff exploited a glitch in the Senate's computer system which allowed them to access "restricted Democratic communications," according to the Boston Globe. Yup, while they were out there preaching morality and responsibility, behind the scenes the GOP were breaking into their opponents' computer systems and as well as simply stealing files were "monitoring secret strategy memos and periodically passing on copies to the media." How ethical. The impropriety goes all the way up to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who had one of his servers impounded last week as part of an investigation into the GOP's backdoor shenanigans. Their defense? They say a computer technician told the Democrats of the glitch back in the summer of 2002 and they did nothing. The Democrats say they weren't informed until November 2003, but it's kind of a moot point. Are the GOP really suggesting that if I tell my neighbor his back door is unlocked and he doesn't lock it, it's okay for me walk in and steal all his furniture? Yup, whenever I hear the word "Republicans", I immediately think of ethics and integrity - and their complete and utter lack of either.

Hypocritical Republican Crybabies
Shocked by the impact of fundraising groups such as America Coming Together and the Media Fund, Republicans are suddenly falling over themselves to shut down the flow of cash heading towards Democratic coffers. Despite having out-raised Democrats by $183 million to $82 million in the past year, Republicans are crying to mommy that liberal fundraising groups are making too much money. According to USA Today, "A Republican political group, Americans for a Better Country, has asked the Federal Election Commission to decide whether labor unions and corporations can fund these new committees. GOP strategists admit it's partly an effort to scare off Democratic donors. Rep. Bob Ney , R-Ohio, chairman of the House Administration Committee, has threatened to subpoena leaders of prominent Democratic groups to testify before his panel. Democrats see the move as an attempt to intimidate them and deter contributors. Republican Party Chairman Ed Gillespie accuses the groups of 'skirting the law' and wants greater scrutiny of their activities. The party's lawyers have urged the FEC to curb the groups. FEC Chairman Bradley Smith, a Republican, proposes writing rules that could stop the groups from accepting more than $5,000 from a single donor. Hey, remember during the campaign finance debate in Congress when conservatives insisted that money equals free speech? I guess it turns out that money only equals free speech if it's Republican money. What a surprise.

George W. Bush
The State of the Union is... whatever. Dubya's big speech to Congress fell flat last week after everyone realized that everything he proposed is practically useless since there's no money to pay for any of it. The speech was simply a laundry list of divisive campaign issues, from the PATRIOT Act to the war on terror to gay marriage, although conspicuously absent were any mention of Osama bin Laden (remember him?) or uranium from Niger (they're learning). In fact, the vast and terrifying stockpiles of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons that Bush pontificated about at length during his previous State of the Union Address had been reduced to "weapons of mass destruction program related activities" this time. Q: what's the difference between weapons of mass destruction in 2003 and weapons of mass destruction related program activities in 2004? A: about 500 dead American soldiers. But there were more pressing issues on Our Great Leader's plate than our fellow countrymen and women who've paid the ultimate price for his lies. Like steroid abuse, for example, and abstinence education. I hope Arnold Schwarzenegger was paying attention. Oh, and look closely at this great screen shot, courtesy of Atrios:

The American Family Association
The conservative American Family Association quietly dropped plans to take the results of its gay marriage poll to Congress last week after it was revealed that the majority of respondents were actually in favor of gay marriage. This may have come as a shock to the American Family Association, but it's really no surprise to anyone who understands that online polls are hopelessly inaccurate and easily skewed, ie. no surprise to anyone with half a brain in their heads, ie. not the American Family Association. Unfortunately AFA spokesperson Buddy Smith gave the game away when he said "It just so happens that homosexual activist groups around the country got a hold of the poll - it was forwarded to them - and they decided to have a little fun, and turn their organizations around the country (on to) the poll to try to cause it to represent something other than what we wanted it to." Uh, surely Buddy means, "cause it to represent something other than the true will of the people." No? This sounds like a job for Diebold!

George W. Bush
Just one day after taking a trip to Atlanta to "honor" Martin Luther King Jr. (ie. laying a wreath at Dr. King's grave in the vain hopes that it might improve his standing among African-American voters), George W. Bush installed Charles Pickering to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit. Bush used a recess appointment, bypassing the Senate filibuster which had successfully prevented Pickering from taking the seat. What does this have to do with Martin Luther King, Jr.? Well, when Bush goes around talking about civil rights and the marvelous deeds of Dr. King one day, and then appoints a judge who once fought to lower the sentence of a man convicted of cross-burning the next day, you have to wonder what the hell he's thinking. Or maybe he's not thinking.

CNBC
So Dennis Miller's got a new TV show on CNBC. Whoopee. In my opinion what TV really needs right now is another show starring a perilously unfunny conservative egomaniac. Frankly I don't think we have enough of them. But don't worry, Miller is promising that this show, "however political, will not be partisan." That must be why the scheduled guests for Miller's first broadcast are John McCain, Rudolph Giuliani, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. There's a nonpartisan bunch if ever I saw one. Funnily enough, the producer of Dennis "nonpartisan" Miller's TV show is one Mike Murphy, a political consultant who also just happens to be a leader of Arnold Schwarzenegger�s "California Recovery Team" and "Californians for Schwarzenegger." Murphy is well known in the biz as Arnold Schwarzenegger's chief strategist, so why CNBC would hire him to produce a right-wing TV show which just happens to book his other boss as a guest on the first broadcast is beyond me, because surely that's a massively unethical conflict of interest. Oh, right. Never mind.

Ohio Senate Republicans
Three cheers for the Ohio Senate and their ban on gay marriage. Just think, if it weren't for the Senate's bold action, Ohio would be flooded with gays right now, all getting married and breaking up heterosexual partnerships. Because as everyone knows, if we don't put a legal end to the idea of gay marriage straight people up and down the country will be out in the streets waving feather boas and listening to Gloria Gaynor. Won't somebody please think of the children? Fortunately the ban isn't just designed to discriminate against gays, it's also designed to discriminate against heterosexual domestic partnerships. The Associated Press reports, "The measure says same-sex marriages are 'against the strong public policy of the state,' and would prohibit state employees from getting benefits for domestic partners, whether they were gay or unmarried heterosexual couples." Hooray! What bold, progressive strides. Makes you wonder why Republicans are so concerned about rewarding heterosexuals for getting married in the first place, really. I mean, I thought they were concerned that people should get married because they love one another and they want to procreate, not so they can cash in on their partner's health insurance. But hey, if that's what the GOP wants to encourage, whatever...

Trent Lott
And finally, the Mississippi Hair-Helmet revealed last week that he still has trouble keeping his mouth shut when his brain isn't working. Trent's foot-in-mouth disease lost him his position as Senate Majority Leader last year when he praised Strom Thurmond's segregationist run for president, but he hasn't stopped there. In the Washingtonian's February edition,he is quoted by National Editor Kim Eisler referring to Hillary Clinton as "butt ugly," demonstrating the kind of gravitas and respect for his fellow senators that earned him a place as one of America's most beloved political figures. Uh, I mean, despised right-wing hacks. Thank goodness Trent's such a looker, eh? See you next week!

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio! The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at [email protected] - and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"

Nominate a Conservative for Next Week's List