The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (No. 96)
January 21, 2003
War on Hummers Edition
Welcome once again to the Top Ten Conservative Idiots! Democratic Underground is two years old this week, and to celebrate we've got some first-class idiots lined up for you. George W. Bush holds on to the number one slot this week for flip-flopping like a freshly-landed haddock over North Korea. CNN (2) are beating the drums of war and Donald Rumsfeld (3) says that we will attack Iraq if they a) tell us that they have WMD or b) don't tell us that they have WMD. Their choice. Elsewhere Minneapolis City Workers (4) demonstrate what it means to be a true patriot, Bill Frist (5) is getting off to a poor start, and - no sex please! - Robert McDonnell (6) is an idiot. Meanwhile Poppy Bush gets a free ride from ABC (9) and Matt Drudge reminds everybody who he is. Enjoy! And don't forget the key.
Three cheers for Dubya's fantastic foreign policy! From breaking off diplomatic relations with North Korea when his administration began, to ignoring and/or insulting them for two years (Bush has said publicly that he "loathes" Kim Jong Il) the Bush administration's foreign policy seemed to revolve around one simple plan: do the complete opposite of whatever Bill Clinton did. And Since Bill Clinton's foreign policy attempted to keep the peace around the world, it's now no surprise that we're on the brink of Dubya-Dubya-Three. Unfortunately George and The Gang's plans fell apart at the seams last week when it was decided that they might in fact help North Korea with its energy and food problems after all, providing that they stop developing nuclear weapons. Which was, of course, Bill Clinton's plan in the first place. But wait, there's a big difference! See, according to George, inviting North Korea to blackmail the U.S. and then giving in to them in no way means that we're rewarding "bad behavior." And just because we're "talking" with North Korea doesn't mean we're "negotiating." Yeah, way to show that evil dictator who's boss, George.
It seems that the administration will go to any lengths to make sure they get their oil war with Iraq, and CNN are more than willing to help them if it means more ratings for the desperate cable news organization. Several alert viewers informed us that CNN's Judy Woodruff announced on CNN last week that the Bush administration was "encouraged" by the UN inspectors' recent discovery of 12 empty rockets, which begs the question, "encouraged whaa?!?" And also last week CNN were banging Donald Rumsfeld's war drum for him, insisting that "Lack of evidence could mean Iraq's hiding something." Yes folks, that was the actual headline on CNN's website. According to CNN, "The failure of U.N. arms inspectors to find weapons of mass destruction 'could be evidence, in and of itself, of Iraq's noncooperation' with U.N. disarmament resolution." Why don't they just put up a headline which says "Come ON! WAR already! Crispy-fried Iraqis are our top ratings-getter!"
On a related note, from the same CNN story referenced above, Donald Rumsfeld has decided that "the United States and the United Nations have no obligation to prove that Iraq has continued efforts to develop nuclear, chemical or biological weapons. Instead, he said, Iraq must prove that it has abandoned them." Which obviously makes perfect sense, if you're a semi-lobotomized Ignoramosaurus from Planet Braindead.
But it's not just CNN who are doing their best to ratchet up support for the war and downplay the concerns of the average American. It was revealed last week that city workers in Minneapolis have been going around neighborhoods and removing antiwar signs from people's front yards. Damn, if that's not the kind of activity that makes America great, I don't know what is. Nancy Berneking, a Wayzata resident whose signs were knocked down and damaged twice in one week, said, "It's like seeing the Constitution being kicked down in your front yard... Why do these people want to silence all dissent?" Come on, Nancy - it's because they're true patriots, you god-forsaken Communist.
Poor Bill Frist. It seems that the new Senate Majority Leader may not quite have what it takes to run the Senate after all. According to a news story last week, "US Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist debuted in his new role by beating a retreat as he accepted a Democratic proposal on committee seat distribution, rather than face a politically costly standoff." Ha ha! Run, Bill, run! That's what we like to see. Perhaps you can ask Chicken Dick Cheney if he's got any spare room in his undisclosed hidey-hole. On second thoughts better not - I'm sure as a doctor you find it really irritating when people start pestering you for free medical advice.
You might want to cover the childrens' eyes for this one! Ahem... thinking of becoming a judge? Well if you want to do it in Virginia, better make sure that you're squeaky clean. Delegate Robert F. McDonnell, a Virginia Beach Republican who is chairman of the state legislature's House Courts of Justice Committee, said last week that "engaging in anal or oral sex might disqualify a person from being a judge because both activities violate state law," according to the Daily Press. Yup, there's an old law in Virginia that bans oral and anal sex, regardless of the gender of the parties involved. Now clearly this is just a way to try and prevent homosexuals from becoming judges, since in McDonnell's mind they would automatically fall foul of the anal sex law, whereas presumably everyone else can pretend that they've a) never had a blowjob in their lives, or b) haven't gotten their brown wings yet. So will McDonnell be making sure that his committee asks everyone nominated for a judgeship, "Have you ever played Horatio on the trouser trombone or perchance taken it up the chuff?" Only time will tell. When asked if he had ever violated the arcane Virginia law, McDonnell said, "Not that I can recall." Man, his wife must hate his guts.
It feels like it's been a little while since we've done one of these, and yet we probably shouldn't be surprised that the ugly specter of Republican child molesters is rearing its ugly head again. According to the Virginian-Pilot, Robin Vanderwall, "a third-year law student at Regent University, who helped run several successful campaigns for local Republicans, was arrested Jan. 10 and charged with two counts of soliciting sex with a minor over the Internet." Yup, another fine, upstanding member of the party of family values has been caught with his pants down. But stand by for the shocking twist! Among others, Robin Vanderwall ran the campaign of none other than... Del. Robert F. McDonnell, this week's Idiot Number 6. That's right, the man who wants to enforce a no-oral-and-anal-sex law employed an alleged pedophile for a campaign manager. "He did a very good job in my campaign,'' McDonnell said last week. "He was diligent and a hard worker. I am shocked by the accusations.'' I dunno, perhaps if Robert livened up the action in the bedroom he'd be able to think a little more clearly, what do you think?
Speaking of Hummers, did you know that if you buy a $50,000 H2 SUV and happen to fall into a 40% tax bracket, you can deduct $38,000 from your taxes? Ain't that convenient! Apparently in the mid-1980s a law was passed that exempted vehicles over 6,000 pounds from tax write-off restrictions - of course, this was originally intended to help farmers buy tractors and other farm equipment. But the new breed of behemoth SUVs falls into this category, and now people who can afford luxury vehicles can also rely on the government to help pay for them. It's just one more way that the rich get richer in Bush's America.
Poppy Bush and
When the band Alabama received the Award of Merit at the American Music Awards last week, who should pop up on the video screen but former president George H. W. Bush. "I'm very proud to be part of tonight's tribute honoring one of the most highly successful bands country music has ever known," said he. Unfortunately the crowd didn't appear to to be very pleased to see the man responsible for foisting Dubya on the world, and proceeded to loudly boo him. But here's a funny thing - on ABC's broadcast of the show, the boos were nowhere to be heard. Why, it was almost as if they'd been edited out, but of course that couldn't have been the case. Yup, that rotten liberal media sure is cruel to conservatives, ain't it.
And finally, to recap: the economy is in shambles, we're teetering on the brink of war with Iraq, and North Korea is threatening us with nuclear weapons. So what was Internet muck-raker Matt Drudge's top story last week? That's right - Bill Clinton's penis! Drudge celebrated the fifth anniversary of the impeachment scandal with a front-page splash on how great it was when he broke the Monica Lewinsky story wide open. Yes, good job. Unfortunately while the home page of the Drudge Report was supposed to make everyone remember what a great journalist Matt Drudge is, it actually served to remind America that he's done absolutely fuck-all for the last five years.
Idiots At Large
Democrats claim Bush's position on affirmative action is filled with "nothing but bare hypocrisy"... Senate Republicans are charging back into ANWR... Rumsfeld is just a big crybaby... GOP House leaders tighten their grip (risking more star systems slipping through thier fingers)... Bush hates the poor... Bob Barr joins equally-liberal CNN... Ohio Senate Leader Doug White says something really stupid... Reagan's boyhood home isn't worth very much at all, actually... Michael Powell says TiVO is "God's machine"... and after campaiging as a politician or experience, Governor Rick Perry blames Texas's budget woes on, um, inexperience. See you next week!