The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 105)
April 14, 2003
Nothing More To See Here Edition

That's it, there's nothing more to see here. We won the war fair and square, now let's send in the corporate troops to make fat fortunes while the American taxpayer foots the bill, and we can all get back to anticipating the latest "Michael Jackson: My Face Isn't Falling Off, Honestly" specials for May sweeps. Yes, Smug War Supporters are at the top of our list this week. Elsewhere we've got Don Neddo (2), a man who supports the soldiers so much he almost convinced himself he was one, Norm Coleman (3) speaking ill of the dead, Fred Phelps (6) who thinks Mr. Rogers is in hell, and Rick Schmidt (9), who's wrapped himself so tightly in the flag that it's cut off the oxygen to his brain (thanks Lynnesin!). Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.

Smug War Supporters
The right-wing media was falling over itself last week to declare victory in Iraq, and conservative idiots everywhere were dancing in the streets. After a group of Iraqis pulled down a statue of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad, it was declared "V.I." day in America. Except... a G.I. made the incredibly stupid mistake of draping an American flag over the statue's head - for no more than 90 seconds - yet that was the prevalent image shown in Muslim nations across the world... fierce fighting continued in Baghdad and other cities as American troops attempted to suppress Iraqi paramilitaries and regular forces... uncontrollable lawlessness and looting took hold in major Iraqi cities... Kurdish forces captured Kirkuk, causing the Turkish government to threaten an invasion... Iraqis in Basra held a mass protest against the man British forces had selected to temporarily oversee the city, due to differing religious beliefs... still no signs of weapons of mass destruction, despite FOX News hysterical reporting to the contrary... and still no sign of Saddam Hussein. Yep, we sure won the war alright. And now all you pro-invasion conservatives out there can just forget it ever happened, and sleep soundly in your beds, safe in the knowledge that Americans will never again be attacked by terrorists.

Don Neddo
Don Neddo is the man responsible for some of New York state's biggest pro-war rallies. A veteran of the 173rd Airborne Brigade during the Korean War, he parachuted behind enemy lines and suffered painful frostbite. The brave veteran organized pro-war rallies in Albany, Glens Falls, Clifton Park Cambridge, and according to the Times-Union he was "embraced by the town's Republican Committee." But sadly Don Neddo will not be organizing any more pro-war rallies. Because it was revealed last week that he never really was a member of the 173rd Airborne Brigade. He never parachuted behind enemy lines. He never suffered frostbite. In fact, the 173rd Airborne Brigade never even served in Korea. Yup, if ever there was a more perfect definition of the word "chickenhawk," we've yet to hear it.

Norm Coleman
They say you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but obviously Norm Coleman didn't get the memo. Coleman, the Republican senator for Minnesota who won the late Paul Wellstone's seat last year, bragged to Roll Call last week that he was a "99 per cent improvement" over Wellstone, "just about on every issue." Coleman must be a very insecure little man - I mean, it's one thing to attack a fellow politician if you're campaigning against them, but attacking them after they're dead seems a little below the belt. An apologetic statement was later released by Coleman's office - after 100 angry demonstrators showed up at his office - but it didn't stop former Wellstone friends and colleagues from describing the remarks as "outrageous," "appalling," "shameful," "self-serving," "selfish," "classless," "tasteless," and "grossly disrespectful." Sounds about right.

Here's something you won't find at a pro-war rally: police firing "sting balls," concussion grenades and wooden projectiles at peaceful protesters. These weapons were used to disperse protesters at the Port of Oakland last week, and police hit and injured scores of people - including six longshoremen who had nothing to do with the protest - in the process. Freepers were of course thrilled that the government should use such brutal tactics against people who were exercising their Constitutional rights, although the irony of the situation was somewhat lost on them. Hey, the terrorists won't hate us for our freedoms when we don't have any freedoms left, right? Take a look at these photos and decide for yourself whether this is the kind of thing that says "America" to you: 1 | 2 | 3 - and while you're at it, stop to ponder why most of these protester's injuries are on their backs.

Michael Medved
Believe it or not, the right-wing's latest target in the War for Patriotic Correctness is - Captain America. Yup, Michael Medved's piece "Captain America, Traitor?" which can be found at... ugh... National Review Online, excoriates Captain America's creators for - heaven forbid - suggesting that this whole "terrorism" thing may be more complex than conservative black-and-white-good-vs-evil-my-country-right-or-wrong. "We might expect such blame-America logic from Hollywood activists, academic apologists, or the angry protesters who regularly fill the streets of European capitals (and many major American cities)," spews Medved. "When such sentiments turn up, however, hidden within star-spangled, nostalgic packaging of comic books aimed at kids, we need to confront the deep cultural malaise afflicting the nation on the eve of war." Good grief. Clearly Michael Medved would be very happy if the kids of today grew up as non-thinking, non-questioning, neo-con androids, so in his mind going after comic books is obviously a step in the right direction. To think of how sickos like Medved obviously yearn for a day when the people bleat in unison to the tune of the government almost makes me physically ill. Call yourself an American, Michael?

Fred Phelps
Ah, the "Reverend" Fred Phelps, creator of the "God Hates Fags" website and purveyor of hatred to all and sundry. Is there anything he won't do to make himself look like a lunatic? Last week Phelps decided to take on that icon of evil Mr. Rogers, declaring that his organization the Westboro Baptist Church was going to picket Rogers' memorial service on May 3rd. Why? Apparently because for thirty years Fred Rogers told millions of children that they should be nice to one another and accept people for who they are, and never once mentioned that homosexuals would burn in a lake of fire. Rogers' reward? According to Phelps: "He's in hell. And if you're putting out cartoons depicting that he's in heaven, you've got no basis for it." But the organizers of Fred Rogers' memorial service probably shouldn't worry - Phelps and his gang were supposed to be in the UK to disrupt the final performance of a play about Matthew Shepard recently, but faced with the prospect they might have to actually confront gay activists, they never showed up. Which makes Phelps and crew chicken, as well as despicable!

Wal-Mart (and, by association, Mark Sanford)
MotherJones.com reported last week that "Workers in 27 states are suing Wal-Mart for violating wage-and-hour laws; in the first of the cases to go to trial, an Oregon jury found the company guilty in December of systematically forcing employees to work overtime without pay. The retailer also faces a sex-discrimination lawsuit that accuses it of wrongly denying promotions and equal pay to 700,000 women." So that's how you become the world's largest retailer! But the main reason we bring this up is because it reminded us of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's suggestion that his state should be run like a Wal-Mart (see Idiots 103). "When you think about Wal-Mart, you think about value and the lowest possible price," said he. Yup, and now you also think about lawsuits, sexual discrimination, and overtime without pay. Fabulous.

George Pataki
It looks like the administration's effort to completely mislead the public about a connection between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden has even sucked in one or two people who should know a lot better. Take Governor George Pataki of New York, for example, who recently suggested that the statue of Saddam which was famously toppled in Baghdad last week should be melted down and turned into a girder for one of the new buildings at "Ground Zero." Um... okay. But as far as I understand it there has been absolutely no proof shown of a link between bin Laden and Saddam, and the only Al Qaeda linked terrorists we found in Iraq were in the Kurdish-controlled area. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the Kurds were supposed to be our new best friends. Perhaps George Pataki would be better served asking Our Great Leader a) why the hell we haven't caught Osama bin Laden yet, and b) why on earth we're going to end up throwing a lot more money at the Space Shuttle investigation than the 9/11 investigation...

Rick Schmidt
In a trend somewhat reminiscent of the aftermath of September 11, some folks are using tragedy to promote their fave products. Take Rick Schmidt, founder of the International Hummer Owners Group (or IHOG) for example. He seems to think that maintaining a steady reliance on foreign oil by driving 2mpg vehicles is the best way to show one's patriotism. "In my humble opinion," suggests the oh-so-humble Mr. Schmidt, "the [Hummer] H2 is an American icon. Not the military version by any means, but it's a symbol of what we all hold so dearly above all else, the fact we have the freedom of choice, the freedom of happiness, the freedom of adventure and discovery, and the ultimate freedom of expression. Those who deface a Hummer in words or deed deface the American flag and what it stands for." Now if you'll excuse me, I have to clean the puke off my shoes.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Condi Rice
And finally, California might be looking forward to a conservative idiots battle royale in 2006 - it was revealed last week that Condoleezza Rice and Arnold Schwarzenegger could be facing off for the GOP gubernatorial nomination. Both conservatives are famous for their portrayals of heartless robotic killing machines, and while Condoleezza has more real-world experience in the art of "terminating," Arnold has the all-important groping Austrian beefcake ace up his sleeve (see Idiots passim). So who will come out on top in this battle of the machines? We can't wait to find out! See you next week...