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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 99)
February
17, 2003
Bin Laden Tape and Duct Tape Edition
 Read
it and weep: This is the 99th installment of The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots — the last double-digit idiot list, forever. And
what a great list it is. The Bush Administration appears in
the top three slots, thanks to a cassette tape, some duct
tape, and their reaction to the Blix report. Next we've got
a pair of racists, Bill O'Reilly (4) and Howard Coble (5).
Meanwhile, Tom Delay (6) is showing his hate for the working
man. And we've got a pair of conservative idiot companies,
Enron (7) and Viacom (8). Don't forget the key!
 The
Bush Administration
It seems that the Bush Administration will grasp at anything
in their effort to link Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.
For months we've been treated to stories of al Qaeda members
in Iraq, apparently on the theory that if one guy is somewhere
in the country, then the only possible explanation
is that he must be on his way to a secret meeting with Saddam.
So we were all ears last week when the Administration told
us of a tape which proved an "unholy partnership"
between the two most hated individuals on the planet. Judge
for yourself: According to a BBC
Transcript, Bin Laden called for Muslims to join with
Iraqis to fight against the Americans, which I guess might
be considered a smoking gun if we didn't already know that
Osama Bin Laden was a homicidal maniac who hates the United
States. But I'm unconvinced. The fact that OBL chooses to
root for Iraq in a war against the US should come as no surprise
to anyone with an IQ higher than, um, what's Dubya's IQ?
Incidentally, in the tape, Osama refers to Saddam and
his socialist Ba'ath Party as "infidels" which,
as far as I know, is not exactly a term of endearment in the
world of insane fundamentalist Islamic fanatics.
 The
Bush Administration (again)
With the Orange Terror Alert in its second week, the Bush
Administration is taking the lead against chemical and biological
attack. Their newest anti-terror initiative: Duct tape and
plastic sheeting. Imagine the surprise of the American people
when they learned that billions spent on the war against terror
could have been saved by a simple trip to Home Depot. The
message to the American people was clear... This war on terror
is your responsibility now, not ours. Senate Democratic
Leader Tom Daschle was quick to point out that Americans need
more
than duct tape, and called for increased funding for Homeland
Security, "If we're going to be providing the resources to
our defense forces, as we should ... we ought to be willing
to commit the resources to protect our own people." Indeed.
 The
Bush Administration (yet again)
On Friday, Chief UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix reported to
the UN Security Council about what they've found in Iraq.
Regarding weapons of mass destruction, Blix told
the council, "One must not jump to the conclusion that
they exist. However, that possibility is also not excluded,"
which is diplomat-speak
for "we haven't found anything yet." Not surprisingly,
the Bush Administration seized on the part about the possibility
being "not excluded" and declared that the lack
of exclusion is proof enough of the existence of WMDs.
(After all, two negatives make a positive, right?) Apparently,
it doesn't matter what the inspectors say, because the U.S.
and Britain are just going to cherry-pick
the parts they like anyway. Full speed ahead for war in 5...
4... 3...
 Bill
O'Reilly
It appears that Bill O'Reilly isn't just a hypocrite (see
Idiots 98), he's also a bigot. On the February 6 program of
"The O'Reilly Factor," while advocating the use
of the military to control illegal immigration, O'Reilly referred
to Mexicans as "wetbacks." O'Reilly insists that
he was simply "groping for a term to describe the industry
that brings people in here," and did not mean to disparage
anyone. But it appears that this is not
the first time he groped for this particular slur. Last
it was reported that O'Reilly used the term at an event in
Pennsylvania last January, where he was the featured speaker.
You are about to enter a no-tolerance zone...
 Howard
Coble
More than 50 years after the fact, you'd think almost everyone
has come to the realization that the forced internment of
Japanese-Americans during World War II was wrong. But
not North Carolina Republican Howard Coble, who has come up
with a ridiculous new justification for it. On a North Carolina
radio program, Coble indicated that that Japanese-Americans
were interned for their own safety. Said Coble: "We
were at war. They were an endangered species. ... For many
of these Japanese-Americans, it wasn't safe for them to be
on the street." (Before I get to the main point, take note
of the fact that Mr. Coble referred the Japanese-Americans
as a "species.") Presumably he thinks that Japanese-Americans
weren't capable of deciding for themselves how to protect
themselves. Instead, they needed a benevolent government to
kick them out of their houses and out of their jobs and send
them to isolated prison camps surrounded by barbed wire. Just
get in on the train... It's for your own good!
Tom
DeLay
What
do Republicans do when they get busted for their hate-filled
anti-union rhetoric? They try to weasel out of it, of course.
Last week it was reported that Tom Delay signed a fundraising
letter that questioned the patriotism of union members, and
suggesting that they harm national security by asserting labor
rights. After hard working, patriotic union members across
the country cried foul, Delay showed some classic Republican
"personal responsibility" and blamed
a nameless staffer, calling the letter "sloppy."
Judging by DeLay's response, it seems that the problem was
not the sentiment expressed in the letter, but rather the
"sloppy" way it was handled. After all, the letter
was written for the Right to Work Legal Defense and Education
Foundation, a notoriously antiunion organization that hates
working people. Gee, I didn't mean to offend all those
union members, I just wanted to show my support for an organization
working to strip away the rights of union members everywhere.
 Enron
Enron, the posterboy for corporate responsibility, was back
in the news last week, and it wasn't good. During a Senate
inquiry into the now-bankrupt energy firm, we learned that
the company managed to avoid paying any federal income
taxes from 1996 though 1999. The Enron tax division would
deliberately bend
federal tax rules, using complex schemes to get around their
obligations. Enron executives even resorted to outright
bribery of tax officials with free meals, alcohol, tennis,
tennis, fishing, and golf. Remember: These are the close friends
of George W. Bush and the Republican Party. They question
our patriotism because we oppose their war, but when the issue
is fulfilling your financial obligations to the federal government,
tax evasion is the American Way!
 Viacom
Viacom, the parent company of CBS and MTV, has refused to
run an anti-war billboard sponsored by MoveOn.org. What could
this billboard have possibly said that Viacom considered so
offensive? Did it have pictures of mangled women and children?
Did the ad say nice things about Saddam Hussein? Here's the
full text of the ad: "Inspections Work. War Won't."
Just plain text on a white background, no more, no less. See
for yourself here.
After the fact, Viacom made some lame excuse about deadlines
and guidelines. Yeah, whatever. It's that damned liberal media
again!
The
House Republican Policy Committee
Want some idea of how nuts some of these warmongering Republicans
are? Consider a proposal by the House Republican Policy Committee,
which would allow the U.S. government to initiate pre-emptive
nuclear attacks against hostile nations with caches of
biological or chemical weapons. Apparently
kicking Saddam's ass with conventional weapons is simply not
good enough. They won't be satisfied unless we go nuclear.
If
these cretins have their way, the U.S. policy will be: "Weapons
of Mass Destruction are really, really bad and nobody should
ever use them, but we reserve the right to use them first
even if the other guy doesn't do anything to us first."
 Michael
Bloomberg 
And finally, when the city of New York was named as a possible
target for terror attacks, Republican Mayor Michael Bloomberg
urged city residents to remain calm and continue on with their
business. If only the Mayor had heeded his own advice. Rather
than stay behind to provide leadership in a time of crisis,
cowardly Mike figured it was a good time to get
the hell out of town, and take a "vacation"
to Florida. An employee at the Miami Beach Smith & Wollensky
Steak House reports that Bloomberg and his friends "had
a wonderful time" on Saturday night. Well, isn't that
sweet. A thousand miles away from danger, it was a "Red
Sunburn Alert" for the Mayor, who didn't use enough SPF
15 on his billionaire forehead. It was also a Yellow Coward
Alert. See you next week.
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