Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 135)
Colossal Waste Of Time Edition
conservatives obviously get tetchy when they stay up past
their bedtimes, perhaps the Senate Republicans (1,2) should
refrain from wasting any more of the nation's time with their
ridiculous posturing. And perhaps Fox News (2) should stop
helping them. But hey, Senate Republicans aren't the only
prominent conservatives wasting everyone's time this week
- let's not forget George W. Bush (3) and Roy Moore (4). Meanwhile
Bill O'Reilly (5) may have some big news (we can only hope),
Arnold Schwarzenegger (6) is, uh, investigating himself, Tom
DeLay (9) is jumping on the telemarketing bandwagon, and the
RNC (10) has a wicked idea for a movie. Yup, it's business
as usual in the land of conservative idiots. Enjoy, and don't
forget the key!
Okay, hands up - who watched the 39-hour judicial nominations
wankathon last week? I know I didn't. Well, okay - I did tune
in once or twice. The entire colossal waste
of time was perpetrated by Republicans who, pissed off
that Democrats wouldn't roll over and nominate four of Bush's
nutjob justices, were trying to score political points by
holding a multi-day cry-fest. Never mind the fact that the
Democrats have already approved 168 of Bush's judicial nominees
- nooo, that's not good enough for the power-mad Republicans
who are for some reason laboring under the misapprehension
they have a huge mandate for this kind of nonsense. Here's
a thought guys - if you want the Democrats to approve every
single one of Bush's justices, how about getting him to nominate
some folks that are acceptable to everyone, not just to crackpot
wingnuts? Gee, there's a thought. Meanwhile, let's not forget
that one of Bush's most important campaign promises in 2000
was his pledge to "change the tone" in Congress
and bring the two sides together in a bipartisan explosion
of good will and compromise - not that he's managed to keep
any of his other campaign promises, mind you (except
the one about shoveling fat piles of cash to his multimillionaire
Republicans and Fox News
The odor of hypocrisy surrounding George W. Bush grew even
more repugnant last week when he pulled out his favorite chestnut
Democrats of "playing politics" with his judicial
nominations. Wow, I haven't heard him use that one
for, ooh, about five minutes. But who's really playing
politics here? Last week a leaked
memo from Elizabeth Keys, a senior communications advisor
for the Senate Republican Conference, revealed that Senate
Republicans were in cahoots with Fox News over the theatrical
aspects of this colossal waste of time, uh, I mean, very important
debate. The memo to Republican staffers said, "It is important
to double efforts to get your boss to S-230 on time ... Fox
News Channel is really excited about this marathon and Brit
Hume at 6 would love to open with all our 51 senators walking
onto the floor - the producer wants to know will we walk in
exactly at 6:02 when the show starts so they get it live to
open Brit Hume's show? Or if not, can we give them an exact
time for the walk-in start?" So let me get this straight -
Fox News isn't just spinning the news any more, they're
actually working directly with Republicans to stage-manage
the news. My word, is there no end to the impartiality
of the Fox News Network?
Our Great Leader could be in for a shock when he visits the
UK this week - massive
protests are being planned, and London's Metropolitan
Police appear to be decidedly uninterested in recreating Dubya's
infamous "First Amendment Zones" in the capital.
It appears that Team Bush arrogantly attempted to get the
Met to shut down the city center for three days, but Ken Livingstone,
the Mayor of London, is making sure that Bush won't be protected
from the indignity of actually having to see protesters, as
he is at home. Bush has taken all this in
stride, of course, saying last week that, "I'm so pleased
to be going to a country which says that people are allowed
to express their minds." Yes - that'll certainly make a change
from being in the US these days. But Bush added, "But
certainly they should agree with the goals of the United States,
which is [sic] peace and freedom." Now wait - hold on a second
here. So if people turn out in huge numbers to yell at the
Chump-in-Chief, they're not actually doing it because they
disagree with him and his murderous policies - they're doing
it because they disagree with the benign and benevolent goals
of the United States? Uh, so despite the fact that Bush has
been president for less than three years and has already managed
to invade two countries, not to mention piss off the entire
world community, everyone who shows up to protest him actually
hates peace and freedom? What year is this, 1984?
We've been commenting on the Roy Moore story for a long time
now (see Idiots passim) but we're pleased to report that
he finally got his just
desserts last week when an Alabama state judicial ethics
panel booted him out of office. Moore's rabid tendency to shove
his beliefs down everybody's throats, not to mention his unhealthy
obsession with a large chunk of granite (funny, I thought the
First Commandment says something about not having any other
gods) led to his downfall - not to mention the fact that chief
justices really ought to be able to follow the law themselves.
Moore was - surprise - unrepentant (funny, I thought Jesus said...
oh, never mind) and vowed, "You will hear from me again when
it comes to the right to acknowledge God." Newsflash - everyone's
already got the right to acknowledge God, dude. You just need
to learn the difference between "acknowledge" and
"illegally shove down everyone's throats." Incidentally,
Roy Moore's attorney was apparently heard on CNN last week favorably
comparing the ex-chief justice to George Wallace. For those
of you who are unfamiliar with George Wallace, he was a staunch
segregationist who became famous in 1963 when he attempted to
prevent federal authorities from enrolling two black students
at the University of Alabama. So, uh, I guess if that's the
kind of hero Roy Moore wants to be compared to then, um, right.
Oh please let this be true... oh please oh please oh please.
It was revealed last week that the blowhard who blows harder
than anyone else, Bill O'Reilly, may be considering a run
for president. "Certainly the option is open if I want
it," said Bill, although he also acknowledged that he wouldn't
stand a chance in hell of winning. However, I have to say
I'd be thrilled at the prospect of an O'Reilly candidacy.
How awesome would it be to watch the thin-skinned jerk self-destruct
every time he was put in a tough spot by a reporter? I'm getting
goosebumps just thinking about it! To be fair, Bill wants
to make sure that everyone knows he would be a serious
candidate: "I'm not a vanity player, I'm not gonna go out
like Al Sharpton, to get on 'Saturday Night Live' to run for
president," he said. Heh heh, yeah right. Not a vanity
player. Nice one, Bill. That's pretty funny coming from a
guy who manages to turn every single segment on his TV show
into a commentary on himself. So please, Bill, if you're reading
this, please run for president. I'll even send you
a donation! Ten bucks, and a handkerchief to blow your nose
into while you're having your nightly bout of self-loathing.
In a bizarrely OJ Simpson-style turn of events, Arnold Schwarzenegger
has hired a private investigator to uh, investigate
himself. The Groping Austrian Beefcake made a campaign
promise to look into the allegations made against him and
to be fair, unlike OJ Simpson, Arnold actually appears to
be keeping his promise. But I can't help feeling that this
is all a little odd. I mean, the dude just got elected and
now he's investigating himself for sexual harassment? Can't
he just ask himself whether he did it or not? What does he
need the PI for? Tell you what though, I'm going to go out
on a limb here and predict that the private investigator will
clear Arnold of all the charges. "I've interrogated Governor
Schwarzenegger thoroughly and determined that there was absolutely
no wrongdoing involved in any of these incidents. It appears
that the breasts and buttocks of the alleged victims actually
flung themselves at Governor Schwarznegger's hands. Case closed.
Nothing to see here. Terminator 3 is now available on DVD.
Check stores for details."
Conservatives are always keen to demonstrate how much they
respect veterans - providing that they approve of those veterans'
opinions, of course. A group of veterans were forcibly removed
from a Veterans' Day parade in Tallahassee last week by the
parade organizer Ken Conroy, because they were "offensive."
Their crime? Disagreeing with the current war in Iraq. "They
can have their free speech, just not in the parade," Conroy
said. "They belong on the sidewalk." Meanwhile, the parade
- which, according to the Florida Times-Union contained
"several high school marching bands and even a group
of young women from the local Hooters restaurant" - continued.
Without the veterans. I guess in future Veterans' Day should
be appended to Approved Veterans' Day, where we're
only allowed to honor those who don't have some kind of controversial
opinion. Ah, the land of the free.
While we're on the subject of Florida, it's nice to see the
return of Governor Jeb Bush to this list after a long absence.
What's Jeb been up to? Well, last week he was having a bit
of a "joke" with the good people of San Francisco,
that they may be an endangered species. Bush was holding a
cabinet meeting when the subject of environmental land came
up. While viewing a map of the US which showed the locations
of endangered wildlife, Bush said "It looks like the people
of San Francisco are an endangered species, which may not
be a bad thing. That's probably good news for the country."
Uh, ha ha - I guess? I'm not entirely sure why Governor
Bush thinks it's a good thing that "the
people of San Francisco are an endangered species," unless
it's got something to do with the fact that one thing San
Francisco is famous for is its large population of homosexuals,
and therefore it would be good if they were all wiped out.
But I'm sure that's not what Jeb Bush was getting at. California's
new governor Arnold Schwarzenegger immediately made a statement
defending San Francisco... actually, nah, he didn't say anything
at all. I guess he was too busy investigating himself.
Just when you thought this guy couldn't get any more irritating,
he comes up with a scheme that is so desperately annoying
it makes being stabbed repeatedly in the buttocks seem like
relaxing in a meadow on a pleasant summer's day. Here's the
deal: Tom Delay has been sending recorded phone
messages to people telling them that they've won a "national
leadership award" and they should return his call ASAP.
When the unsuspecting "award recipient" calls back
- gotcha! A telemarketer comes on the line and hits you up
for cash. Get it? If you give $300 or $500, you win the "national
leadership award!" According to MSNBC, "Past awardees
include a convicted sex offender and a maker of drug paraphernalia,"
although apparently, "both awards were later rescinded."
Why, did their checks bounce? But seriously - thanks again,
Tom. Every time we think you've hit rock bottom you manage
to surprise us.
And finally, the RNC managed to stop CBS from airing "The
Reagans" (see Idiots 134) but
they're not stopping there. No sir, the RNC isn't content
with merely setting the record straight - they want to take
the record off the record player, polish it, replace the stylus,
add a new pair of top-of-the-line speakers and some of those
Monster sound cables, then take the record and... (enough
with the record player metaphor already - Ed). Ahem, anyway,
the RNC has announced
tentative plans to produce their own Ronald Reagan story,
titled, um, "The Real Reagans." If it's anything
like that epitome of unbiased truth, "DC 9/11" (see
Idiots 126) then we could be in for
a real treat. Picture the scene: a muscle-bound, shirtless
Ronald Reagan has Mikhail Gorbachev in a headlock and is using
Gorbachev's own hand to punch him in the head. Reagan: "Mr.
Gorbachev, stop hitting yourself and tear down this wall."
Gorbachev: "Alright, I admit it, you have won the cold
war!" Reagan gives Gorbachev a wedgie, then uses his
laser eyes to carve his own head into Mount Rushmore.
Hell yeah, I'd watch the shit out of that. See you next week!
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