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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 130)
October
13, 2003
One Hell Of A Rush Edition
 You've
got to feel sorry for Rush Limbaugh (1,2,3). Just stop for
a minute and think how awful it must be for him. I mean, the
guy's been hooked on painkillers for six years, and he spent
a decent portion of that time bashing drug addicts. Not only
that, but his poor fans now have to live with the knowledge
that every single "truth" Rush told them over the
last six years was passed on while he was stoned out of his
gourd. How depressing for them. Mind you, it was honorable
of him to own up, wasn't it? I mean, the recently publicized
investigation into his buying habits probably had nothing
to do with his sudden confession. But there's more to
life than Rush Limbaugh - Pat Robertson (4,9) makes the list
twice this week, Bill O'Reilly (5) climbs aboard the crybaby
express, and George W. Bush (7) makes a reappearance after
missing out last week. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
 Rush
Limbaugh
Look, if Rush Limbaugh wants to spend each day stuffing two
grams of Oxycontin down his throat or half a pound of Bolivian
marching powder up his nose, that's his business. It's a private,
personal matter and it should be of no consequence to anyone,
especially liberals, especially the tolerant, compassionate
liberals that Sean Hannity was commanding to forgive Rush
last week. But you know, this kinda reminds me of, say, that
time Bill Clinton had a consenting relationship with a woman
who wasn't his wife. It was his personal, private business
and had nothing to do with anyone else, and thank goodness
Rush treated it as such and didn't make a big fuss about it.
Because now Rush has admitted that he too is a mere human
being with feelings and flaws just
like everyone else, we can all just say, "Oh, that poor
guy, how awful," instead of calling him a fat, hypocritical
crackhead. To his credit, Rush doesn't actually want to be
treated
like a victim: "I am no victim and do not portray
myself as such. I take full responsibility for my problem,"
said he on his radio show last week. Got that, dittoheads?
Next time you feel a pang of sympathy for Rush, remember that
he takes full responsibility for his actions. Then re-read
this
old quote of his: "Drug use destroys societies. Drug
use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have
laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing
drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens
to people in societies and neighborhoods which become consumed
by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs,
they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and
they ought to be sent up." Don't forget, dittoheads -
Rush is always right.
 Rush
Limbaugh (again)
But you have to take pity on Rush, really. I mean, the guy
has a serious back problem which surgery failed to correct.
He got addicted to painkillers six years ago when they were
prescribed for the severe pain he was experiencing. As he
said
on his radio show, "Unfortunately the surgery was
unsuccessful, and I continued to have severe pain in my lower
back and also in my neck now, due to two hernated disks (sic)
- pain which I'm experiencing because of that." Hmm,
interesting. Apparently those two herniated discs didn't
put Rush off his golf game. According
to golfserv.com, Rush Limbaugh is "no slouch with
the sticks himself after only playing for the past six years."
"'I felt like an absolute dork,' Limbaugh said after
practice rounds on Tuesday and Wednesday with the long hitters.
'These guys are hitting the ball 330 yards up here in this
air. I'm lucky to hit it 240 and they are kind of snickering
behind their backs, while to my face, 'Thatta boy, Rush, you
can do it.''" Good grief, he can hit 240-yard drives
with two herniated discs and constant neck pain? Impressive!
 Rush
Limbaugh (yet again)
But that's enough about Lardbottom's pill problem. Let's rewind
a little: it's the day after Arnold Schwarzenegger's victory,
and Rush Limbaugh is live on air, in full flow, talking about...
Democratic Underground. What? It's the day after an unprecedented
recall election, the Republicans won, and Rush is bashing
our little website? Man, that guy must be on dru... uh, never
mind. I know what you're thinking - didn't he have some gloating
to do, or bloating, or whatever it is he gets up to on his
show? Nope, apparently Rush had more important things on his
mind than Arnold Schwarzenegger, and those things included
getting back at people who've given him a taste of his own
medicine. No, no, not Wilma
Cline - your friendly hosts, Democratic Underground. Rush
spent some time last Wednesday crying to his listeners about
how mean nasty liberals are saying bad things on the Internet,
and according to Mr. Factchecker himself, we want American
troops in Iraq to get killed. Now just to set the record straight
here, I can categorically state on behalf of the Adminstrators
of Democratic Underground that - and this may be a surprise
to some of you conservatives out there - we actually don't
want American troops to get killed! See, like a lot of his
material, Rush simply made that up. Believe it or not, we're
extremely keen to see the troops come home unharmed. But then,
we weren't the ones rallying out there last March demanding
that our boys and girls be shipped off to the Middle East
to die ASAP. That was, uh, fans of Rush Limbaugh. Name-calling?
Yes, we do that. Immature needling of big-cheese conservatives?
Check. Wishing for American troops to be killed? Uh-uh, sorry
- we wish them all a safe and speedy return. But thanks anyway
for the free advertising, Mr. Limbaugh! Oh, and just so you
know - the following Friday, when Rush told his listeners
that Democratic Underground had been shut down because of
all the extra traffic he sent our way? Yeah, he made that
up too.
 Pat
Robertson
Here's a follow-up to the recent Rush Limbaugh/Donovan McNabb
story which was too late to make it into the Top Ten last
week. It turns out that - guess what? - Pat Robertson has
come out with a staunch defense of Rush's comments (Rush said
that quarterback Donovan McNabb was overrated because he's
black - see Idiots 129). So what's
Pat's angle? Unsurprisingly, he's taken Rush's ball and run
with it into an even uglier area. The Racist Reverend tried
to demonstrate
that black people do benefit from "social concern"
by comparing McNabb to actor Morgan Freeman: "He started off
playing a chauffeur in 'Driving Miss Daisy,' and then they
elevated him to head of the CIA and then they elevated him
to President and in his last role they made him God. I just
wonder, isn't Rush Limbaugh right to question the fact, is
he that good an actor or not?" Um, reality check, Pat. Morgan
Freeman is an actor. He's hasn't actually been promoted
from chauffeur to God. You know? It's all, like, an illusion.
Of course, the implication here is that as far as Pat Robertson
is concerned, black people should stick to playing chauffeurs
and let white people deal with the business of playing God.
Incidentally, in between playing a chauffeur and God, Morgan
Freeman also played, among other things, the roles of a slave
("Amistad"), a slave ("Glory"), a murderer
("The Shawshank Redemption"), and, oh look, a murderer
("Nurse Betty"). Presumably Pat considers these
to be more appropriate roles for the three-time-Oscar-nominated
actor.
 Bill
O'Reilly
Bill O'Reilly retained the title of "Most Thin-Skinned
Conservative in America" last week when he appeared on
NPR's "Fresh Air" program last week to promote his
book Who's Looking Out For You? (Bill's answer: me,
me, me, it's all about me!). O'Reilly was given free
time to refute the recent criticisms of Al Franken and
others, talk about his TV show, discuss his childhood, background
and spirituality, blast liberals, and plug his book in a debate-free
atmosphere. But being the paranoid blowhard he is, O'Reilly
couldn't even handle interviewer Terry Gross's relatively
softball questions and instead tried to make out that he was
being personally defamed. (Defamation seems to be a hot topic
in the world of Bill O'Reilly - he mentioned the word about
two hundred times in the first fifteen minutes). Eventually
Gross's gentle probing became too much for the supposedly
tough TV personality to handle - so he blew up, ranting about
NPR's liberal bias and how all the questions were designed
to make him look foolish (actually he managed to do a pretty
good job of that all by himself). Bill then topped off his
little tantrum by hanging up. Amazing - he can cut people
off when they're not even on his show! Now that's
talent.
 The
Bush Administration
You may have read recently that the Bush administration is
on the offensive over the Iraq situation, and plan to push
the message to Americans that everything is just fine and
dandy over there. I don't know about on the offensive,
but they certainly are offensive. Conveniently for
the administration, letters from soldiers stationed in Iraq
detailing the great progress of the rebuilding process have
been showing up in local newspapers all over the country recently.
But here's a funny
thing - they're all identical. Oh, sure, they're
signed by different soldiers, but strangely the wording of
each letter is exactly the same. And not only that, but when
Gannett News Service contacted several of the soldiers who
supposedly authored the letters, none of them had
any idea who wrote them. Gee, that's weird. I wonder how these
optimistic missives, all identical, all apparently signed
by soldiers currently serving in Iraq, managed to end up in
the mailbags of American newspapers? I mean, surely the Department
of Defense wouldn't go around forging soldiers' signatures
on fake letters, would they? Would they?
 George
W. Bush
Somehow George W. Bush didn't manage to make it onto the list
last week - I guess we have to give him a break from time
to time - but he's back with a vengeance this week, and he's
on top form as usual. Last week Our Great Leader demonstrated
his can-do approach to cracking down on "appearances
of impropriety" within his adminstration, forcefully
asserting that he has literally "no idea" if
the White House leaker will be caught. Uh, what? Why not?
According to Bush, it's tricky because "This is a large
administration." Well... okay - but surely you've stated
with confidence that you're going to find Osama bin Laden
and Saddam Hussein, and they could be anywhere in the
world at this point. I mean, this guy might work in the
office next door to yours. What's the problem here? Apparently
there's no problem - a confused Bush went on to contradict
himself by stating that "We'll find out" who it
is, and with the assistance of John Ashcroft we'll "come
to the bottom of this." Well it shouldn't take long then.
I think George and his administration are going to hit rock
bottom any day now.
 Kendel
Ehrlich
Okay, this is just bizarre. Maryland's first lady Kendel Ehrlich
was speaking
at a domestic violence prevention conference in Frederick,
MD, last week, and got onto the subject of young women needing
to become independent, and the dangers of becoming too dependent
on others. To illustrate her point, Ehrlich said, "If
I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would."
Whoa, hold on a second there... she'd shoot Britney Spears?
Damn, that's harsh! I'm not sure where Ehrlich got the idea
that the best way for young women to become independent is
to go out and murder celebrities (question: only
given the opportunity, or is stalking optional?) but my goodness,
that sounds like a comment in need of a clarification. And
here comes the clarification! Comedically, a spokeswoman said
later that Ehrlich used an "inadvertent figure of speech."
Ah yes, the old "inadvertent figure of speech" ploy.
That's always a good one.
Pat
Robertson (again)
One appearance on the list just wasn't good enough for Mad
Pat Roberston this week. Not long after his Morgan Freeman
comments, Pat was back on the 700 Club bemoaning
those awful traitors over at the State Department. What the
State Department has done to incur the wrath of Pat isn't
entirely clear (it's run by a black person, perhaps?) but
whatever it is, he's not messing around. While interviewing
Joel Mowbray, author of the new book, Dangerous Diplomacy:
How the State Department Endangers America's Security, Pat
said, "When you get through, you say, 'If I could just
get a nuclear device inside Foggy Bottom, I think that's the
answer,' and you say, 'We've got to blow that thing up.'"
Oddly enough, Mowbray never actually says that in his book.
But Pat may be projecting here - back in June the Rabid Reverend
suggested that "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown
off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up like Newt Gingrich
wants to do." Now, I'm not sure where in the teachings
of Jesus it says that the way to deal with one's enemies is
to blow them up with a nuclear bomb - not only that, but nuking
the State Department sounds awfully un-American to me. Perhaps
if Pat is serious about this plan he should get in touch with
someone who shares his beliefs but has more experience in
this kind of work, someone like, I dunno, Osama bin Laden.
 The
Pentagon
And finally, whatever happened to "Don't Ask Don't Tell?"
It was reported
last week that Lockheed Martin have scrapped the planned name
for their futuristic new combat ship "The Sea Blade"
because - wait for it - the word "blade" is too
gay. Lockheed have denied the claim that the name change
was requested by the Pentagon, although it was apparently
"dropped shortly after the Navy awarded the defense conglomerate
a $10 million contract for a preliminary design." It
turns out that "gay blade" is an old slang term
for someone suspected of being a homosexual - a term which
was later satirically adopted by the gay movement, and introduced
to the masses through newspapers such as the Washington
Blade. And so the Pentagon, in their infinite wisdom,
apparently decided that it wasn't a good idea to have all
those sailors, stuck at sea for weeks in cramped quarters,
living it up aboard the old Sea Blade. Incidentally, has anybody
told Wesley Snipes about this? See you next week!
Quick
note to Neal Boortz: Rush didn't knock our server offline
last week, but he had a good try. Your guys didn't even come
close. Small time, man. Small time.
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"
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