The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 124)
September 1, 2003
Whistle-Ass Edition

This week's edition of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots is dedicated to Sally Baron, anti-Bush heroine and coiner of our favorite new Dubya nickname, "Whistle-Ass." So here we go: the Whistle-Ass Administration takes the number one spot this week, since they're now apparently suggesting that Saddam's ex-spies are providing better intelligence than the CIA and MI6 combined. The Republican Party (2) are demonstrating their true patriotism. Brit Hume (3) tells lies. And Marc Racicot (4) has just gone, well, nuts. Meanwhile Arnold Schwarzenegger (6) has an enormous penis, Fox News (7) likes the sound of that, and The White House Press Corps (9) has just lost any shred of credibility they may have had left. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

The Whistle-Ass Administration
Want to hear the misAdministration's latest excuse for the lack of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? I'm warning you: this excuse is so weak that if you asked it to walk ten paces it would say "Screw that, I'm going back to bed." Okay, here goes. Administration officials said last week that they are suddenly concerned that all the bullet-proof, solid-as-a-lump-of-titanium evidence they'd gathered about WMD may have actually been stinking, rotten lies passed on to them by - gasp - Iraqi double agents. That's right, the Administration is now alledging that Saddam Hussein sent out spies to spread false rumors that Iraq was in possession of WMD, thus forcing the United States to tip its hand and invade. I'm sorry, I'm writing this down but it's just making no sense. Saddam Hussein sent spies to convince U.S. intelligence officials that he had WMD when he really didn't, so that we would invade his country, remove him from power, kill his sons, and kill him if we ever got our hands on him? And we were completely fooled by this ruse? I actually can't believe the Administration has sunk this low. It's pathetic. Oh, and by the way, guess where this latest information has come from: believe it or not, "former Iraqi intelligence agents." Boy, all that British intelligence must have really sucked if our government is now relying on the word of people who used to spy for Saddam Hussein to convince America that we were right to invade Iraq. What next?

The Republican Party
Next time you hear a Republican complaining about how Democrats are un-American, ask them this question: why is the Republican party outsourcing its fundraising activity to Asia? That's right, believe it or not, and despite the patriotic God-Bless-America rhetoric the party likes to spew, the GOP is using call centers in Gurgaon and Noida in India to raise funds for the party and for George Whistle-Ass Bush's presidential campaign. "Enthusiastic fund-raisers" in India will now be cold-calling American familes (probably either right around dinner-time or at six o'clock in the morning) using a panhandling process which involves a "high degree of automation in order to limit human intervention." So basically the GOP is employing robots in India to try and scrounge money off of Americans. How patriotic. Seems to me that we have plenty of unemployed people in America right now who could do this job, but then that would probably be too expensive and you can hardly blame the GOP for wanting to look abroad for cheap labor. I mean, duh. Geez, you'd think we wanted them to stimulate the economy or something. Not that most of the unemployed people in America are going to want to do jack shit for George Whistle-Ass Bush anyway, and rightly so. Hey, I have a question: if the Republican Party is leaving America, does that mean they don't love it any more...?

Brit Hume
Thanks to our friends at Buzzflash for pointing this one out. Fox News anchor Brit Hume was spotted recently telling his viewers in an oh-so-fair-and-balanced way that American soldiers are less likely to be murdered in Iraq than regular Americans living in California. See? Our troops are perfectly safe! So how does Mr. Hume come to this conclusion? Why, like any fair-and-balanced journalist should - in a thoroughly scientific, common sense manner. Here's Brit's theory: since Iraq is "roughly the same geographical size" as California, and 6.6 Americans are murdered every day in California compared to 1.7 Americans in Iraq, isn't it obvious that Americans are safer in Iraq? Well sure, if you use the completely bogus "land area" argument that conservatives like to trot out at disturbingly regular intervals (see the right-wing map that claims Bush won the 2000 election by a landslide). However, since there are 38 million Americans in California and only 170,000 in Iraq, it turns out that Americans are actually 66 times more likely to die in Iraq. It's no surprise that Fox News (new motto: Wholly Without Merit) wants to downplay the deaths of American soldiers in Iraq - after all, they and their viewers positioned themselves as the only real pro-Americans in the the United States. Now it's not looking quite so pro-American to unquestioningly support George Whistle-Ass Bush, they're getting a little desperate. But Brit Hume is supposed to be a journalist for crying out loud. Fair and balanced? He should despise himself for misleading the public in such a fashion. It's hard to imagine even Rush Limbaugh sinking this low.

Marc Racicot
Get ready to jump out of your seat and kick the cat! According to the Associated Press, George Whistle-Ass Bush's presidential campaign is "appealing for donations by portraying Bush as a fund-raising underdog." But... but... but... isn't Bush on target to raise an unprecedented $200 million dollars for his campaign? Isn't he holding $2000-a-plate fundraising dinners all over the place? Didn't he smash fundraising records during his previous campaign? Pah! According to campaign chairman Marc Racicot, all of that is completely irrelevant. In a fundraising email to supporters, Racicot wrote (added emphasis mine): "Democrats and their allies will have more money to spend attacking the president during the nomination battle than we will have to defend him. Cough-bullshit-cough." Look, if the people who support the GOP are really this gullible, they damn well deserve George W. Bush for another four years. Mind you, it's not really any surprise that Bush's campaign is reaching out to supporters by appealing to utter stupidity. After all, that is their target demographic.

Wally O'Dell
Diebold, the company which manufactures electronic voting machines that are in use in several states, have been walking a particularly fine line recently considering accusations that their machines are easily hacked/reprogrammed to alter voting totals after an election. But a recent revelation alleges a startling motive for the dubious security surrounding their machines. It turns out that Wally O'Dell, CEO of Diebold Inc., sent out fundraising letters last week to Ohio Republicans asking them to donate $10,000 towards an Ohio Republican Party event at his home. Yup. The CEO of a company that makes voting machines is holding Republican Party events at his house. Boy, that doesn't sound like a conflict of interest. But check this out: O'Dell says in his letter that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President next year." Holy Possibility Of Foul Play, Batman! Can this guy be serious? Let's just check the facts one more time: Wally O'Dell is the CEO of Diebold, which makes voting machines which are alleged to be easy to hack. Wally O'Dell says that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President next year." Excuse me, I have to go pick my jaw up off the floor.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

So we still don't know a great deal about Arnold's plans for California should he become governor, but we do know this: he's got a great big penis and he's not afraid to use it. Well, so he says. According to an interview in Playboy spinoff Oui magazine back in 1977, Arnold has partaken in bodybuilder orgies (ewww - how much grease do you need for something like that?) and has also acknowledged that the ladies used to be fascinated by "little Conan." Said the gubernatorial hopeful, "Women have told me they're curious about its size - you know, outgoing chicks who're just trying to be outrageous or horny. I hear all kind of lines, including 'Oh, you're hurting me; you're so big.' But it means nothing. Bodybuilders' cocks are the same size as everyone else's." Really? Is that before or after they pump themselves full of steroids? Because I've heard rumors about that stuff you know. Oh and by the way, if you want to amuse your friends just read the previous quote again, this time out loud in an outrageous Austrian accent. Guaranteed laughs, I'm telling ya. Anyway, here's some more classic Arnold, this time on women's issues: "I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and if she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care." Impressive stuff. Sadly though, while Arnold is clearly a true believer in equality for women (as long as they're a "good fuck") he's not so keen on equality for gays. Appearing on Sean Hannity's show last week - well, I say "show" but as far as entertainment goes I think I'd rather be forced to listen to a three-hour-long greaseless bodybuilder orgy - Mr. Schwarzenegger announced that "gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." See that? A simple solution to a complex problem. Give this guy the governor's job already!

Fox News
While we're on the subject of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's probably worth taking a look a last week's Drudge Report. Apparently Fox News honcho John Murphy is sick and tired of all the puns being made about Arnold and has ordered his news reporters to stop it. So if you want to hear more "Total Recall" and "Running Man" gags, you're going to have to go somewhere else. But do we detect a little desperation from Fox News here? Could it be that they are worried that people won't take their candidate seriously? According to Drudge, Moody wrote in an internal Fox memo last week, "The urge may seem irresistible to play off Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting career ... Resist it. Otherwise the effect is often to belittle the candidacy of the front-runner for one of the most important offices in the U.S., and that's not fair and balanced ... Certainly don't suggest he is part of a 'circus' or lump him in with novelty candidates." What, Arnold "Oh, you're hurting me, you're so big" Schwarzenegger, a novelty candidate? Perish the thought.

Elaine Chao
Here's a great piece of news for working Americans, just in time for Labor Day: if you're one of the millions of Americans who relies on being paid time-and-a-half for overtime work, the Bush administration would like to say SCREW YOU, BUD! Yes, Elaine Chao announced a new Whistle-Ass plan last week which will end time-and-a-half for good. You won't have heard about this because it's buried deep inside the Federal Reigster, but Greg Palast has an excellent account on his website. Apparently while the plan will end overtime pay for veterans (nice, huh?), it does extend benefits to certain employees - and then promptly tells business owners how to avoid federal law, by simply paying those employees time-and-a-half and then reducing their overall pay so they don't actually make any extra money. Sounds like "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps" might get a whole lot harder once Bush and Co. are done with this country.

The White House Press Corps
If you thought the media was supposed to be a guardian of our freedoms, the trusted protector of truth and honesty, well... where have you been, Mars? Wake up and smell the coffee! Last week Our Great Leader invited the White House press corps to a little barbecue at his pig farm - um, I mean, ranch - in Crawford, Texas. Of course, these stalwart journalists all declined the invitation on the grounds that it might impair their objectivity if they were seen to be cavorting with the president. Did I just write that? In your dreams did they decline. According to the Washington Post, "...some 50 journalists and camera crews, along with a dozen aides and as many Secret Service agents, piled into a half-dozen white vans for the drive to the heavily fortified Bush ranch" where they loaded up on "beer from coolers and Australian (read: not French) red wine," not to mention "fried chicken, potato salad, coleslaw, jalapeno biscuits and peach cobbler." And what was discussed at this little shindig? I'm afraid we can't tell you, because Bush insisted that all conversations were strictly off the record. Although allegedly the journalists were "forced to acknowledge that Prairie Chapel Ranch is not such an awful place after all." Right. So the real question is, what self-respecting journalist would sacrifice their credibility for the opportunity to schmooze with Whistle-Ass for a few hours? Answer: all of them, apparently.

Dr. Jack Clemmons
And finally: Jack Clemmons, superintendent of the Lubbock (Texas) Independent School District last year banned students from forming a Gay Straight Alliance group (purpose: "to provide support for gay and straight students and promote equality in the school system and community"). Managing to roll ignorance and bigotry into a nice neat ball, Clemmons said "I would have denied other clubs whose basis was sex. I would have denied a Bestiality Club. I would have denied a Gigolo Club. I would have denied a Prostitute Club." How about a hypocrisy club? Jack Clemmons could be the founding member. See, while the superintendent was busy banning all things sex-related in his school district, he was apparently conducting an extra-marital affair with an employee on school property, and using school computers to send her dirty emails. The emails turned up as part of a lawsuit which Lambda Legal is filing on behalf of the Gay Straight Alliance group against the Lubbock Independent School District - the messages were written on school computers, so by law they are part of the public record. I know you're dying for a sample, so here goes: "You should know by now that I mean that I will begin by giving you a kiss but that it will soon lead to a..." Nah, that one's pretty boring. How about: "I will give you an additional $500.00 ... If you will get totally naked with me here in the office. What do you think? I am serious. You would have to be naked and allow me to..." Stop right there! I've heard enough! The really funny thing is that apparently less than five hours after he wrote that last email, Clemmons appeared on local TV to defend the school district's abstinence-only sex education policy. Ah, conservatives. Hours and hours of free entertainment. See you next week!

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