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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 111)
May
26, 2003
Full Nelson Edition
 Welcome
to The Top Ten Conservative Idiots, No. 111! If you know anything
about the sport of cricket - and I have a feeling that the
vast majority of people reading this know nothing about cricket
whatsoever - then you will know that a batsman's score of
111 is considered to be extremely unlucky. This score is known
as a Nelson
and superstition states that the batsman will be "out"
on his next shot. For some reason it seems particularly appropriate
this week as cracks may be appearing in the Bush administration's
seemingly-invincible facade. All hell is breaking loose in
Iraq, much to the consternation of the Administration (1),
and George W. Bush (2) appears to be seriously screwing up
the global war on terrorism. Meanwhile several administration
members resigned last week, including EPA chief Christine
Todd Whitman and spokesman Ari Fleischer (10). Enjoy, and
don't forget the key!
 The
Bush Administration
It seems that lambasting Bush's handling of the current situation
in Iraq is not just for liberals any more. Last week the most
senior Republican authority on foreign relations in Congress,
Richard Lugar, opined
that the Bush administration must do much, much more in Iraq
to avoid turning the occupied country into "an incubator
for terrorist cells and activity." Writing in the Washington
Post, Lugar said, "I am concerned that the Bush Administration
and Congress have not yet faced up to the true size of the
task that lies ahead, or prepared the American people for
it." Gee, do you think the hundreds of hours a week of
Republican propaganda being shoved down Americans' throats
by the Bush-licking media could have had anything to do with
that? In fact, it seems that despite the brutal dictatorship
of their former ruler, Iraqis are starting to grumble that
life under their American occupiers is actually worse
than it was under Saddam Hussein - and while it was obviously
difficult to believe a statement like that while Saddam was
in power, bear in mind that the Iraqi people are now free
to speak their own minds. Meanwhile, lawmakers back home -
Republicans and Democrats alike - have been laying
into Bush's postwar plans as Iraq teeters on the brink
of collapse. And now the power-players are starting to backpedal
- despite months of chest-thumping and assertations that this
whole business would be over in a matter of weeks, Donald
Rumsfeld was recently heard admitting
that "You couldn't know how it would end." Hmm,
perhaps they should have mentioned that earlier. So thanks,
George and friends, for ruining America's reputation on the
world stage, killing thousands of innocent people, spending
billions of dollars of taxpayer money, and breeding yet more
global terrorism. At least the defense contractors and the
oil men will be happy. Oh wait - that's you, isn't it.
 George
W. Bush 
You know, when Our Great Leader stood on that aircraft carrier
in his package-enhancing flightsuit next to that big banner
which read MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, you could almost hear Osama
bin Laden laughing. The recent spate
of global terrorist activity has shed further light on Bush's
haphazard foreign policy, and despite what we've been repeatedly
told by the administration, the grim news is that al Qaeda
seems to be on the way back. Meanwhile the war in Iraq has
done nothing more than a) provided a smokescreen for al Qaeda
operatives who were busy planning their next assaults, and
b) damaged our global reputation, thus making it more difficult
to work with other countries to track down terrorists. And
for reasons unknown, Bush is currently hindering
investigations into the September 11 attacks by refusing
to release information to the independent investigation commission.
So much for the war on terror - it sounds more like Our Great
Leader is fighting his own one-man war on sanity. And I'd
go so far as to say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, Mr. Bush.
 The
Texas Department of Public Safety 
For those of you who were looking forward to investigations
of Tom DeLay and Tom Craddick for their appalling misuse of
federal resources, we have bad news. Just as people were starting
to get interested in why the House Majority Leader got the
FAA, the FBI, and the Department of Homeland Security involved
in a local redistricting spat (see Idiots
110) the Texas Department of Public Safety has announced
that - whoops! - it has destroyed
all of its records related to the case. My, my, what an Enron-style
slip-up. The DPS claims that a federal privacy law required
that the records be destroyed because the Democrats who fled
to Oklahoma were not considered possible criminals. So, uh
- if they weren't considered possible criminals, why was
the federal criminal investigation system being used to track
them down? Mind you, those documents probably aren't important.
I'm sure no-one has anything to hide...
 George
W. Bush 
Rats deserting a sinking ship, or just ordinary folks who
want to "spend more time with their families?" The
Bush administration has suffered a rash of resignations lately,
the most high-profile of which is probably EPA chief Christine
Todd Whitman. Whitman quit last week after spending two years
constantly battling George W. Bush's radical anti-environmentalism,
and last week she took a few parting
shots at her former boss, suggesting that Bush "had
been 'hurt' by his administration's inability to explain unpopular
environmental decisions," according to Reuters. Well
he may have been hurt Christie, but probably not as hurt as
all those uninsured kids growing up breathing toxic air and
drinking polluted water will be.
 The
Texas State Senate 
The Republican-controlled Texas Senate passed a draconian
"abortion counseling law" last week which would
require doctors to warn women that abortion might lead to
breast cancer. Which is really strange, because the American
Cancer Society says that no
such link exists. Claudia D. Stravato, CEO of Planned
Parenthood of Amarillo and the Texas Panhandle, said of the
Republicans who came up with this travesty of a law, "They
don't care what science says...It's like talking to the Flat
Earth Society." Of course the people who came up with
this nonsense are claiming that they're just "trying
to give women as much information as possible." Including,
apparently, false information. Critics of the law say
that it is "a thinly veiled attempt to intimidate, frighten
and shame women" who are seeking an abortion, according
to SFGate.com.
Sounds about par for the course for your friendly neighborhood
GOP.
 The
Pentagon 
You've got to hand it to the Pentagon - they sure know how
to ream the U.S. taxpayer. It was reported
last week that the Pentagon is "winning the battle for
a $400 billion budget" which is being "rammed through
Congress by the Republican majority," according to the
UK Guardian. Interestingly that $400 billion does not
include money for the war in Iraq, and very little of it will
go towards fighting terrorism or homeland security. Nope,
apparently it's all about handing fat wads of cash to defense
contractors for yet more Cold War jet fighters and submarines.
Again according to the Guardian, Christopher Helman,
a military analyst at the Centre for Arms Control and Non-Proliferation,
said that "only $25bn of the $400bn could be described
as 'transformational,' aimed at modernising...and of that
$10bn will be spent on the controversial national missile
defence 'star wars' scheme." Interestingly, the Guardian
article also points out that "A congressional investigation
reported that inventory management in the army was so weak
it had lost track of 56 airplanes, 32 tanks, and 36 missile
launchers." Um... lost?
 William
Crosbie 
Anissa Khoder, an Arab-American woman of Lebanese origin who
became a U.S. citizen ten years ago, was in court recently.
Nothing major - she was merely contesting a parking ticket
in her small hometown of Tarrytown, NY. Step forward Village
Justice William Crosbie to demonstrate
a little of that famous compassionate conservatism. According
to Khoder, when her name was called Crosbie's first question
was to ask if she were a terrorist. But he didn't stop there
- Crosbie later allegedly told Khoder that "You have
money to support the terrorists, but you don't want to pay
the ticket." Absolutely shocking. But it's okay - in
his defense Crosbie said that he was "probably kidding
with her." Well har-de-har. What a hilarious joke.
 The
Pentagon 
Hey, remember TIA? Total Information Awareness? That creepy
DARPA project designed to spy on U.S. citizens, which everyone
thought had been canned last year? Well it's back! And in
true Bush style, this is nothing more than the same old unconstitutional
Orwellian bullpoop - just wrapped in a shiny new bow. It appears
that the Pentagon thought that "Total Information Awareness"
sounded just a little too Big Brotheresque, and have settled
instead on the much more exciting and politically acceptable
"Terrorism Information Awareness." I mean, how could
you argue with that name? Hey, you - do you not
want the government to keep a secret file on you with
information on your driver's license, car rentals, airline
ticket purchases, arrests, "reports of suspicious activities"
(whatever that may be), your financial, education, medical
and housing records, and identification records based on your
fingerprints, irises, facial shape and the way you walk? Then
you must support the terrorists!
"Wah
Wah Can't Hear You" Conservatives
Gee, those conservatives sure don't like to hear an opposing
viewpoint, do they? At a recent graduation ceremony at a private
Illinois college, Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Chris Hedges
gave an anti-war commencement address. But rather than listen
to Hedges' point of view, conservative idiots in the audience
decided that the most American thing to do would be to interrupt
the speech by booing, rushing the stage, and cutting power
to the microphone. Hedges persisted but finally cut his speech
short when it became clear that these idiots weren't going
to give up. How interesting - when liberals protest conservatives'
speeches they're usually escorted from the building and/or
arrested. Yet when conservatives protest liberals' speeches,
they're allowed to climb all over the podium until the speaker
has to give up. Seems fair.
 Ari
Fleischer
 And
finally, we bid a fond farewell to Bush lackey and celebrated
slaphead Ari Fleischer, who last week announced his resignation
from Team Bush Misinformation Squad. From keeping a "mental
list" of the damage Bill Clinton didn't cause when he
left the White House (see Idiots 3)
to blaming Middle East violence on Clinton's peace process
(see Idiots 57)
to knowing "for a fact" that Iraq has WMD (see Idiots
95),
Ari has consistently striven to achieve greater heights of
conservative idiocy, and he's delivered the goods time and
again. To celebrate Ari's retirement from public life, enjoy
this picture of a 15-year-old future official White House
liar with a gorgeous full head of hair. And ponder on whether
Ari Fleischer was the oldest-looking 15-year-old you've ever
seen in your life. Damn! What were they putting in his raisin
bran? He looks about 35! See you next week, everyone...!
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