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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 111)
May 26, 2003
Full Nelson Edition

Welcome to The Top Ten Conservative Idiots, No. 111! If you know anything about the sport of cricket - and I have a feeling that the vast majority of people reading this know nothing about cricket whatsoever - then you will know that a batsman's score of 111 is considered to be extremely unlucky. This score is known as a Nelson and superstition states that the batsman will be "out" on his next shot. For some reason it seems particularly appropriate this week as cracks may be appearing in the Bush administration's seemingly-invincible facade. All hell is breaking loose in Iraq, much to the consternation of the Administration (1), and George W. Bush (2) appears to be seriously screwing up the global war on terrorism. Meanwhile several administration members resigned last week, including EPA chief Christine Todd Whitman and spokesman Ari Fleischer (10). Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

1The Bush Administration excessive spin lying warmongering warmongering
It seems that lambasting Bush's handling of the current situation in Iraq is not just for liberals any more. Last week the most senior Republican authority on foreign relations in Congress, Richard Lugar, opined that the Bush administration must do much, much more in Iraq to avoid turning the occupied country into "an incubator for terrorist cells and activity." Writing in the Washington Post, Lugar said, "I am concerned that the Bush Administration and Congress have not yet faced up to the true size of the task that lies ahead, or prepared the American people for it." Gee, do you think the hundreds of hours a week of Republican propaganda being shoved down Americans' throats by the Bush-licking media could have had anything to do with that? In fact, it seems that despite the brutal dictatorship of their former ruler, Iraqis are starting to grumble that life under their American occupiers is actually worse than it was under Saddam Hussein - and while it was obviously difficult to believe a statement like that while Saddam was in power, bear in mind that the Iraqi people are now free to speak their own minds. Meanwhile, lawmakers back home - Republicans and Democrats alike - have been laying into Bush's postwar plans as Iraq teeters on the brink of collapse. And now the power-players are starting to backpedal - despite months of chest-thumping and assertations that this whole business would be over in a matter of weeks, Donald Rumsfeld was recently heard admitting that "You couldn't know how it would end." Hmm, perhaps they should have mentioned that earlier. So thanks, George and friends, for ruining America's reputation on the world stage, killing thousands of innocent people, spending billions of dollars of taxpayer money, and breeding yet more global terrorism. At least the defense contractors and the oil men will be happy. Oh wait - that's you, isn't it.

2George W. Bush helping the terrorists helping the terrorists
You know, when Our Great Leader stood on that aircraft carrier in his package-enhancing flightsuit next to that big banner which read MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, you could almost hear Osama bin Laden laughing. The recent spate of global terrorist activity has shed further light on Bush's haphazard foreign policy, and despite what we've been repeatedly told by the administration, the grim news is that al Qaeda seems to be on the way back. Meanwhile the war in Iraq has done nothing more than a) provided a smokescreen for al Qaeda operatives who were busy planning their next assaults, and b) damaged our global reputation, thus making it more difficult to work with other countries to track down terrorists. And for reasons unknown, Bush is currently hindering investigations into the September 11 attacks by refusing to release information to the independent investigation commission. So much for the war on terror - it sounds more like Our Great Leader is fighting his own one-man war on sanity. And I'd go so far as to say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, Mr. Bush.

3The Texas Department of Public Safety covering your ass
For those of you who were looking forward to investigations of Tom DeLay and Tom Craddick for their appalling misuse of federal resources, we have bad news. Just as people were starting to get interested in why the House Majority Leader got the FAA, the FBI, and the Department of Homeland Security involved in a local redistricting spat (see Idiots 110) the Texas Department of Public Safety has announced that - whoops! - it has destroyed all of its records related to the case. My, my, what an Enron-style slip-up. The DPS claims that a federal privacy law required that the records be destroyed because the Democrats who fled to Oklahoma were not considered possible criminals. So, uh - if they weren't considered possible criminals, why was the federal criminal investigation system being used to track them down? Mind you, those documents probably aren't important. I'm sure no-one has anything to hide...

4George W. Bush anti-environment anti-environment
Rats deserting a sinking ship, or just ordinary folks who want to "spend more time with their families?" The Bush administration has suffered a rash of resignations lately, the most high-profile of which is probably EPA chief Christine Todd Whitman. Whitman quit last week after spending two years constantly battling George W. Bush's radical anti-environmentalism, and last week she took a few parting shots at her former boss, suggesting that Bush "had been 'hurt' by his administration's inability to explain unpopular environmental decisions," according to Reuters. Well he may have been hurt Christie, but probably not as hurt as all those uninsured kids growing up breathing toxic air and drinking polluted water will be.

5The Texas State Senate anti-choice
The Republican-controlled Texas Senate passed a draconian "abortion counseling law" last week which would require doctors to warn women that abortion might lead to breast cancer. Which is really strange, because the American Cancer Society says that no such link exists. Claudia D. Stravato, CEO of Planned Parenthood of Amarillo and the Texas Panhandle, said of the Republicans who came up with this travesty of a law, "They don't care what science says...It's like talking to the Flat Earth Society." Of course the people who came up with this nonsense are claiming that they're just "trying to give women as much information as possible." Including, apparently, false information. Critics of the law say that it is "a thinly veiled attempt to intimidate, frighten and shame women" who are seeking an abortion, according to Sounds about par for the course for your friendly neighborhood GOP.

6The Pentagon screwing the poor dumb dumb
You've got to hand it to the Pentagon - they sure know how to ream the U.S. taxpayer. It was reported last week that the Pentagon is "winning the battle for a $400 billion budget" which is being "rammed through Congress by the Republican majority," according to the UK Guardian. Interestingly that $400 billion does not include money for the war in Iraq, and very little of it will go towards fighting terrorism or homeland security. Nope, apparently it's all about handing fat wads of cash to defense contractors for yet more Cold War jet fighters and submarines. Again according to the Guardian, Christopher Helman, a military analyst at the Centre for Arms Control and Non-Proliferation, said that "only $25bn of the $400bn could be described as 'transformational,' aimed at modernising...and of that $10bn will be spent on the controversial national missile defence 'star wars' scheme." Interestingly, the Guardian article also points out that "A congressional investigation reported that inventory management in the army was so weak it had lost track of 56 airplanes, 32 tanks, and 36 missile launchers." Um... lost?

7William Crosbie racism
Anissa Khoder, an Arab-American woman of Lebanese origin who became a U.S. citizen ten years ago, was in court recently. Nothing major - she was merely contesting a parking ticket in her small hometown of Tarrytown, NY. Step forward Village Justice William Crosbie to demonstrate a little of that famous compassionate conservatism. According to Khoder, when her name was called Crosbie's first question was to ask if she were a terrorist. But he didn't stop there - Crosbie later allegedly told Khoder that "You have money to support the terrorists, but you don't want to pay the ticket." Absolutely shocking. But it's okay - in his defense Crosbie said that he was "probably kidding with her." Well har-de-har. What a hilarious joke.

8The Pentagon unconstitutional unconstitutional unconstitutional
Hey, remember TIA? Total Information Awareness? That creepy DARPA project designed to spy on U.S. citizens, which everyone thought had been canned last year? Well it's back! And in true Bush style, this is nothing more than the same old unconstitutional Orwellian bullpoop - just wrapped in a shiny new bow. It appears that the Pentagon thought that "Total Information Awareness" sounded just a little too Big Brotheresque, and have settled instead on the much more exciting and politically acceptable "Terrorism Information Awareness." I mean, how could you argue with that name? Hey, you - do you not want the government to keep a secret file on you with information on your driver's license, car rentals, airline ticket purchases, arrests, "reports of suspicious activities" (whatever that may be), your financial, education, medical and housing records, and identification records based on your fingerprints, irises, facial shape and the way you walk? Then you must support the terrorists!

9 "Wah Wah Can't Hear You" Conservatives dumb warmongering
Gee, those conservatives sure don't like to hear an opposing viewpoint, do they? At a recent graduation ceremony at a private Illinois college, Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Chris Hedges gave an anti-war commencement address. But rather than listen to Hedges' point of view, conservative idiots in the audience decided that the most American thing to do would be to interrupt the speech by booing, rushing the stage, and cutting power to the microphone. Hedges persisted but finally cut his speech short when it became clear that these idiots weren't going to give up. How interesting - when liberals protest conservatives' speeches they're usually escorted from the building and/or arrested. Yet when conservatives protest liberals' speeches, they're allowed to climb all over the podium until the speaker has to give up. Seems fair.

10Ari Fleischer lying excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin hypocrisy partisanship
And finally, we bid a fond farewell to Bush lackey and celebrated slaphead Ari Fleischer, who last week announced his resignation from Team Bush Misinformation Squad. From keeping a "mental list" of the damage Bill Clinton didn't cause when he left the White House (see Idiots 3) to blaming Middle East violence on Clinton's peace process (see Idiots 57) to knowing "for a fact" that Iraq has WMD (see Idiots 95), Ari has consistently striven to achieve greater heights of conservative idiocy, and he's delivered the goods time and again. To celebrate Ari's retirement from public life, enjoy this picture of a 15-year-old future official White House liar with a gorgeous full head of hair. And ponder on whether Ari Fleischer was the oldest-looking 15-year-old you've ever seen in your life. Damn! What were they putting in his raisin bran? He looks about 35! See you next week, everyone...!

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