The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 108)
May 5, 2003
Callsign "Alpha Whiskey Oscar Lima" Edition

High-way-to-the-DANGERZONE! Goin'-right-in-to-the-DANGERZONE! Yes, Dubya tops the list this week for spending lots of taxpayer money on a photo-op, wasting the time of thousands of sailors who were just trying to get home, and pretending that he did something other than tequila slammers and kegstands during Vietnam. Meanwhile Rick Santorum (3) returns to the list as the fallout from his homophobic comments fails to dissipate, Bill Frist (4) and Bill Bennett (5) are giant hypocrites, and Bill O'Reilly (7) is losing ground in the fight for the braindead right. Yup, we've gotta lotta Bills this week. Bringing up the rear are Jay Garner (8) who has quite simply gone mad, and Chris Matthews (10) who wins the DU Brown Nose Award for the umpteenth time. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.

George W. Bush
You could almost smell the media whores' excitement as the plane carrying George W. Bush touched down on the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln last week. And what a stench it was. Bush was flown out to the Lincoln to declare the end of hostilities in Iraq (So, did we win? We found the weapons of mass destruction, right? We've got Saddam in custody, yes?) and managed to perform a stunningly shameful photo-op at the same time. Here was a man who not only dodged Vietnam through his daddy's connections, but also didn't even bother showing up for most of his National Guard service, being flown to an aircraft carrier full of REAL servicepeople just to boost his approval ratings. And how did Compassionate George demonstrate his support for the troops? Simple: he delayed their return to their families by one whole day, just so he could give himself a hard-on playing Top Gun. During his speech on the carrier, Bush continued to promote the falsehood that Iraq was behind the September 11 attack, declaring that "the Battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on Sept. 11, 2001." Bush was thoughtfully provided with an airsickness bag for his flight to the carrier, leaving millions of Americans scrambling to find their own vomit receptacles.

The Bush Administration
While Dubya may not know Osama bin Laden's location, he certainly knows where the rest of the bin Laden family is - they're heavily invested in the rebuilding of Iraq. That's right, the family of the world's-most-notorious-terrorist-who-we're-gonna-catch-dead-or-alive is going to reap the taxpayer-funded rewards of Our Great Leader linking their prodigal son to Saddam Hussein. The New Yorker reported last week that there is a "new and demonstrable connection...that a money trail runs - albeit rather circuitously - from the lucrative business of rebuilding Iraq to the fortune behind Osama bin Laden." The bin Ladens apparently have ten million dollars invested in the Fremont Group - a former subsidiary of Bechtel, which is currently majority-owned by "the Bechtel family." (Bechtel is the company selected to receive billions of taxpayer dollars to rebuild Iraq - see Idiots 107.) Gee, I'm so glad the Bush administration is doing what it can to crack down on terrorism.

Rick Santorum
Rick topped the chart last week for his idiotic comments on homosexuality, and he's back with a vengeance this week. Sen. Santorum held a meeting with four of his constituents last week - parents of gay children who were infuriated by his comments equating homosexuality with bestiality and incest. While a spokesperson for the senator described the meeting as "a very professional and polite exchange," the parents had a different take, describing Santorum as "condescending, belligerent, argumentative and arrogant." But it looks like they got the better of Rick, who obviously can dish it out but can't take it. After being berated by the parents, Santorum apparently "left in a hurry, tripping over a chair." Bigoted and cowardly - no wonder he's the third highest ranking Republican in the Senate!

Bill Frist
And you thought the adults were back in charge. Whining Bill Frist went off last week over the Democrats' continued filibustering of GOP-nominated judges, suggesting that - get this - "It certainly could be taken to court." That's funny, I thought the GOP were constantly trying paint the Democrats as the party of trial lawyers. Unless things don't go their way of course, and then it's "we'll see you in court." And if you think that's lame, get this - Frist also said, "If filibusters are going to be made part of the judicial nominee process, I think you will see increasing discussion over whether the rules should be changed." Hilarious. The GOP can't get its way, and all of a sudden they want to change the rules. Shucks, if I recall correctly the Republican party's rallying cry during Election 2000 was you can't change the rules, pal, no way, no how. What a steaming pile of hypocrisy.

Bill Bennett
So, William Bennett, moral crusader, champion of personal responsibility, author of The Death of Outrage and The Book of Virtues, and constant critic of Bill Clinton's personal failings: how does it feel to be exposed as a gambling addict? Apparently Bill Bennett - who has built a career on pointing out the moral delinquency of others - is not a big fan of practicing what he preaches. But hey, he's a conservative so no surprises there. According to the Washington Monthly, "Bennett has been a high-roller since at least the early 1990s...documents show that in one two-month period, Bennett wired more than $1.4 million to cover losses...just three weeks ago, on April 5 and 6, he lost more than $500,000 at the Bellagio in Las Vegas." As one casino source put it, "There's a term in the trade for this kind of gambler. We call them losers." Well, quite.

Taylor County High School Students
Looks like Trent Lott wasn't the only person wishing for a return to the days of segregation. Last week it was announced that students at Taylor County High School, Georgia - which last year held its first integrated prom in 31 years - would be holding a separate whites-only prom again this year. There will still be an integrated prom, but there has been no shortage of demand for tickets to the segregated party. Why will there be a separate prom? According to the Associated Press, because "in part because they wanted to avoid problems arising from interracial dating." That such thinking still exists in America today is shameful, but to see it ingrained in high school students is particularly depressing.

Bill O'Reilly
Oh dear. In the heated competition for the hearts and minds - well, whatever it is that passes for minds - of brainwashed conservatives everywhere, Bill O'Reilly is looking like the big loser. Matt Drudge gleefully published the latest Arbitron ratings on his website last week, which showed that O'Reilly's radio show ratings trailed Rush Limbaugh in the same time slot by as much as 5,000%. Looks like Bill is going to have to tell an awful lot more lies if he hopes to catch up with El Rushbo. Speaking of big losers, the Arbitron ratings also showed that Republican talk-show host Neal Boortz's listening audience is now down to three toothless inbreds and a sheep named Derek.

Jay Garner
Jay Garner, the new King of Iraq, seems to have gotten a bit carried away with the American forces' performance in Iraq. He was so proud that hardly any oilfields were damaged during the fighting that he recently proclaimed, "We ought to be beating our chests every day. We ought to look in a mirror and get proud and stick out our chests and suck in our bellies and say: 'Damn, we're Americans!'." Garner then proceeded to wrap himself in an American flag and writhe on the ground screaming "The Star Spangled Banner" at the top of his lungs before urinating on himself and passing out.

The Alabama State Legislature
Stop the presses: sex toys are still illegal in Alabama. According to the Associated Press, "The Alabama House voted against a bill Tuesday that would have removed a ban on sexual devices, such as vibrators, from the state's obscenity law." So if you're looking for a bit of fun with your loved one, don't try it in Alabama or you're likely to have your butt thrown in jail, plugs and all.

Chris Matthews
And finally, Chris Matthews' appearance last week on "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" was just one long sycophantic orgy of Bush brown-nosing. You could almost hear the drool dripping from Tweety's mouth as he described Our Great Leader as a cross between John Wayne and Brad Pitt. "We're proud of our president. Americans love having a guy as president, a guy who has a little swagger, who's physical, who's not a complicated guy like Clinton or even like Dukakis or Mondale, all those guys, McGovern. They want a guy who's president. Women like a guy who's president. Check it out. The women like this war. I think we like having a hero as our president. It’s simple." But Matthews went too far with this comment on Bush's Top Gun moment: "Imagine Joe Lieberman in this costume, or even John Kerry. Nobody looks right in the role Bush has set for the presidency - commander-in-chief, medium height, medium build, looks good in a jet pilot’s costume - or uniform, rather." Oh yeah? Perhaps Matthews should take a look at this picture of John Kerry:

Oh look, there he is in his military "costume", having a medal pinned on him for courageous service in Vietnam. Got any pictures of Dubya being honored for his valor in combat, Chris? Got any pictures of him being awarded a medal for bravery in the line of fire? No? Well, I guess we'll just have to make do with this one instead:

See you next week!

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