The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 67)
May 13, 2002
O'Reilly Pissed Off Edition

Look out Drudge, ol' Bill's a gunning for ya! O'Reilly shoots his way to the top of the chart this week with a most excellent celebrity death-threat. But that's not all. Our favorite Republican scandal Enron (2) is back in the news; now they've been caught fiddling with the power supply in California. George W. Bush (3) returns after an absence of several weeks and the ever-idiotic John Ashcroft (4) wants Bill O'Reilly to be able to carry out his threat more easily. Meanwhile Drew Carey (6) makes his debut appearance (but we fear it may not be his last) and Guy Velella (8) is the latest Republican to go down on corruption charges. And at the very bottom of the barrel we find a man who really deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award for Conservative Idiocy - Dan Quayle (10).

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Bill O'Reilly
What do you do if you're a egotistical conservative who figures there's money to be made in talk radio, but your banter is way too lame to impress radio stations across the country? Do what any self-serving conservative would do, of course - line their pockets. Clearly the media is still too liberal and conservatives just aren't getting enough airtime on the AM band because last week Bill O'Reilly's new talk show debuted on a record number of stations across the country. But it was red-face time for Blowhard Bill when Matt Drudge reported on his website that the stations were being paid to carry O'Reilly's show - a "dramatic reversal from normal radio practice." Oh dear. So what was O'Reilly's response to the Drudge accusations? Typically conservative, I'm afraid. Taking a leaf from the Anne Coulter Hitman's Handbook (see Idiots 54) O'Reilly announced on "Imus in the Morning" that "There is no other cure than to kill Matt Drudge." Fair and balanced all the way, Bill!

Enron
Behold the power of unchecked capitalism and corporate deregulation - the two things which truly make America great. It was revealed last week that Enron lawyers wrote a memo in December 2000 detailing how the company could shaft the consumers of California by creating phantom congestion and making phony sales among its affiliates to bump up electricity prices. Of one strategy, lawyers wrote, "The net effect of these transactions is that Enron gets paid for moving energy to relieve congestion without actually moving any energy or relieving any congestion." Another method involved Enron sending energy out of, and then back into California, to avoid price caps. Now presumably the boys in Houston assumed that nothing bad would befall them since their guy was already installed in the White House at this point - and guess what? They were right. Yup, if your corporation owns the White House, you can do pretty much anything you like. Oh, wait a minute - George "Honor and Integrity" Bush doesn't even know Ken Lay, does he?

George W. Bush
Good old Dubya really stepped on some toes last week by blocking an international drive to promote teen sex education. Bush laughably believes that chastity before marriage is very important (of course he was still a virgin when he married Pickles, what are you insinuating?) and therefore the rest of the world should just shut up about sex, right now. Several European Union governments are extremely pissed off by Bush's refusal to sign a United Nations declaration on children's rights, "unless pledges on sexual health services are scrapped," according to the London Observer. That's probably George's definition of leaving no child behind. Apparently every minute five people under 25 are infected with HIV worldwide - and George's solution is to tell them to simply stop having sex. Well, if it works for Catholic priests it'll probably work for hormonal teenagers, right?

John Ashcroft
In an interesting Constitutional law development last week, John Ashcroft basically told the Supreme Court that they can stick 60 years of federal policy where the sun don't shine. See, according to Ashcroft, the Second Amendment gives individuals the right to bear arms. Never mind the opinions of the Supreme Court, most legal scholars, and even the Justice Department itself since 1939. And so, in the midst of civil liberties crackdowns and First Amendment zones, Herr Ashcroft thinks that the best solution to fighting terrorism is to make sure there are more guns out on the streets, and that they are more easily available. Incidentally, according to the Violence Policy Center, 28,874 Americans were killed with guns in 1999. But that's okay by John Ashcroft because... most of them were probably criminals anyway... and cars must have killed a lot more... and, well, gun crime is going up in Britain doncha know... and, um, well, what? Are you going to ban knives next? You can pry them from my cold dead fingers! Get your hands off me you stinking communist!

Barbara Bush
Vroom! Vroom! It appears that former first lady Barbara Bush is not the genteel old lady that we thought. Last week Newsweek reported that until recently, NASCAR Bar liked to race around the sleepy town of Kennebunkport, Maine in a black TransAm. Yes, the rusty old jalopy was often seen out and about, zooming round the backstreets and tearing up the country lanes - although sometimes she decided to walk instead (boom tiss). But sadly, Bar says she had to give up her beloved wheels due to potential, um, family issues. "That car was an invitation for one of the grandchildren to get arrested. The last thing we need is for another one of them... " Bar stopped speaking midsentence, so her family secret is still safe. But to be honest, I don't really know what she's so worried about - if you're a Bush you can get arrested for DUI or your wife can kill someone while driving, and you'll still end up in the White House!

Drew Carey
I used to enjoy Drew Carey's portrayal of an unattractive-but-lovable everyday blue-collar guy. But I'm afraid after the White House Press Dinner last week I'm going to view him from now on as an unattractive-and-hate-filled brown-nosing George Bush butt-licker. Carey told some hilarious jokes throughout the evening, such as, "He won. They lost. That's what happened." And, "There was no vote rigging or any of that crap." Funny stuff, huh?

The Bush Administration
Environmental Protection Agency? That's a laugh. What "protection agency" would create a new rule which would allow coal mining companies to fill streams, rivers and wetlands with industrial waste? Yet that's just what the Bush administration proposed last week. The rule would overturn Army Corps of Engineers regulations which prohibit mining companies from dumping waste in nearby waterways. Guess Earth Day is just something that happens to other planets, eh George? Fortunately a federal judge blocked the rule, calling it a violation of the 1977 Clean Water Act and saying that, "Only the United States Congress can rewrite the Act to allow fills with no purpose or use but the deposit of waste." Still, since when has something so insignificant as the United States Congress gotten in the way of the Bush Administration's decision making?

Guy Velella
Here's an update on the Grand Old Party of Morals, Values, and Personal Responsibility. Guy Velella, a Republican state senator from New York, surrendered last week after he was charged with taking cash bribes from companies in return for state bridge painting contracts. According to the Associated Press, "Reports linking the senator to the bribery investigation surfaced two years ago, just weeks before he was last reelected. At the time, he called the accusations politically motivated." Oh well - just because attacks are politically motivated doesn't mean that you're not a lying crook. Have you ever noticed that the Republicans seem to be constantly shouting about criminal Democrats, despite any lack of evidence, while members of their own party keep going to jail on corruption charges? Oh well.

Stephen Limbaugh
Justice Stephen Limbaugh, who is - yes! - related to our favorite sweat-trap Rush "lard-lad" Limbaugh, came to an interesting conclusion about video games last week: "[There is] no conveyance of ideas, expression, or anything else that could possibly amount to speech. The court finds that video games have more in common with board games and sports than they do with motion pictures." Limbaugh obviously studied video games extensively for his research, since he listed in his opinion "Fear Effect", "Doom" (which is nearly 10 years old), "Mortal Combat" (um, don't you mean "Kombat?"), and "The Resident of Evil Creek" (er, I'm sure that's "Resident Evil." You know - they made it into a movie). See, apparently NO video games count as free speech, because the ones Limbaugh reviewed - oh-so-thoroughly - did not contain "extensive plot and character development." So there you have it: proof that spouting endless crap on subjects you know nothing about is a trait which definitely runs in the Limbaugh family...

Dan Quayle
And finally, the award for the longest-running spin of all time goes to... Dan Quayle. The guy is starting to sound like a broken record. Dan popped up from whatever dank hidey-hole he's been lurking in to announce last week (for the 10,000th time) that... he was right about Murphy Brown! (No, not this again.) Quayle took a slightly different tack this time, telling reporters at the National Press Club that, "I never criticized single mothers. What I was trying to do was point out the reality of their struggles and the difficulties they have in raising their children." So there you have it - it's taken ten years, but he's still perfecting his spin on the Murphy Brown story. Phew! Dan then went on to insist that, "I was right - it is spelled POTATOE." See you next week!