Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 91)
The Idiots Are Back In Charge Edition
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Hoo boy, there's no denying that we took a beating on November
5. And now the Republicans have complete control in Washington
DC, and it's entirely up to them to prove whether or not they
can run the country. So let's see what they have in store
for us, shall we? This is the first Top Ten after the election,
and already the conservatives are cranking up the idiocy machine.
We have The Army (1) who have far more important things
than the War on Terrorism to worry about. We have Trent Lott
(2) and Judie Brown (3) who have far more important
things than women's lives to worry about. And we have Rush
Limbaugh (4) who has far more important things than...
um... the truth to worry about (not that you didn't know that
already). Meanwhile, Janet's got a gun (5), Shawn's a dunce
(7), John's your new Big Brother (8), and Sonny's a racist
(10). As usual, don't forget the key.
you've been led to believe that George W. Bush's most important
priorities are Homeland Security and fighting the War on Terrorism,
think again. Last week it was revealed
that nine linguists, including six who speak Arabic, have
been dismissed from the military - because they're gay. Yup,
it seems that there are more important things to do
than fight the War on Terrorism, and discriminating against
gays is one of them. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there
a huge flap about the military not being able to translate
September 11 warning messages fast enough? (See Idiots
73) And yet it's obviously more important to ensure that
we don't have homosexuals subverting our troops. Unbelievable.
Now that the Rugmaster is back in charge, what's his number
one domestic policy priority? Well undermining a woman's right
to choose, not to mention threatening the health and safety
of pregnant women certainly seems to be up there at the top
of his agenda. Lott made a vow
last week to ban so-called "partial-birth abortion,"
a rarely-used third trimester procedure which is only performed
when the life of the mother is seriously at risk. Of course,
Lott is simply pandering to the Christian right who helped
the Republicans secure their election victory. But he's also
sitting at the top of the slippery slope towards a total abortion
ban, and is trying to give a everyone a gentle nudge. Look
out, 19th century - here we come...
And the right-wing Christian fundies - who are now expecting
Bush & Co. to push through their extreme agenda - are
even more frightening
than the Mississppi Hair-Helmet. Judie Brown, president of
the American Life League, says that a recent partial-birth
abortion ban circulating the halls of Congress is "bogus."
Why? Because it bans partial birth abortions except when
the life of the mother is in danger. And since this counts
for virtually all instances of partial-birth abortion, Brown
says that lawmakers will have to remove this "loophole" or
"this well-intentioned effort will not even save a single
baby's life." Got that? For some reason the so-called American
Life League is working to make sure that more mothers die
during childbirth. Still, that'll teach them not to fornicate,
Conservatives must feel pretty comforted by the knowledge
that they can listen to Rush Limbaugh and know that they're
always hearing the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth. And if they ever get into a sticky debate situation,
they can always just put their hands over their ears and shout
"DITTOES! DITTOES, RUSH! MEGADITTOES!" Anyway, we
thought it was pretty funny to hear that Lard-ass had been
complaining on his show a few weeks ago that the New York
Times was supressing a pre-election Adam Clymer story
which reported that Republicans were going to pick up seats
in the House. Tsk tsk, that mean ol' liberal media, always
covering for those rotten communist Democrats. Unfortunately
it was later revealed
that Limbaugh was in fact talking out of his enormous backside.
See, the story actually did appear in the New York
Times - on November 4, on the front page, in the top right-hand
column - which the Times reserves for its most important
stories. Well spotted, Rush. That must be "observational
talent on loan from Mr. Magoo." And since we all know
how much Rush hates liars, we were quite surprised to discover
that the incorrect version of the story is still
posted on his website. Nice job, truth-boy.
Hey, remember when Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist
exercised a little of that political muscle and got his daughter
a cushy job as inspector general at the Department of Health
and Human Services? Well it turns out that - surprise - she
might not have been the best person for the job after all.
Who'd a thunk it? Apparently "agency whistle-blowers"
have reported that Ms. Rehnquist has, for political reasons,
pushed several well-respected senior managers out of their
jobs. There are also allegations of "questionable travel,
promotions and spending," according
to Tampa Bay Online. But here's the best part - it
appears that Ms. Rehnquist, who is not authorized to carry
a firearm, has been keeping a government-owned handgun in
her desk drawer. Why? I dunno - perhaps she was worried that
one of those well-respected senior managers might suddenly
go postal. Or that somebody might break in while she was working
late. Or that she might be mugged while walking to the cofee
machine. By the way - just in case you were wondering, the
HHS inspector general is charged with ensuring that her department
does not waste money or flout rules. Whoops.
Mention sex education or drug education to conservative parents
and they'll probably throw up their hands and insist that
teachers have no right to teach their kids this kind of stuff.
It's outrageous, and it should be up to the parents to
decide what their kids should and shouldn't be taught, not
the schools. And yet, it's funny how that whole concept goes
out of the window when the subject is not sex education, or
drug education, but beating children until they're black and
blue. For example, the great state of Alabama (state motto:
"Two Banjos Duel As One") allows teachers to paddle
children if they misbehave. Like Michaela Curtis's seven-year-old
son, who was spanked
so severely for picking his nose in class, that she had to
take him to hospital. Remember that mother who was caught
on camera smacking her kid around? Well that's all legal and
above board if you're a teacher in Alabama. But that's not
the worst of it - Ms. Curtis specifically instructed
the school not to use corporal punishment if her son misbehaved,
but unfortunately in Alabama the law says that a teacher can
spank a student even if the parent says no. Oh yes, we're
going back to the 19th century alright...
Shawn Steel, chairman of California's Republican Party (ha
ha) had a few choice words to say about California's election
results on the night of November 5. When asked
on public radio station KPCC about the possible Democratic
sweep of Sacramento offices, he responded, "Giving all power
to one party invites nothing but tyranny and corruption...
Everybody recognizes that." Nice words - but a tad unfortunate,
because it was immediately pointed out to him that the Republicans
had just achieved one-party control in Washington. Steel's
response? "You've really got me caught in my own rhetoric."
What a dumbass!
Here's a plan - let's create a gigantic database
of all credit card, phone and travel records, email, websites,
banking transactions... you name it. And then let's allow
the CIA and the FBI to browse through them without a search
warrant. And wait... I have a great idea to top off
this whole venture
- let's get a guy who was convicted of conspiracy, lying to
Congress, defrauding the government, and destroying evidence
to be in charge of the whole thing! Who's with me?
Okay, we've got discrimination against gays - check. Taking
away a woman's right to choose - check. Beating children -
check. Creating a Big Brother police state - check. It's been
less that two weeks since the election - what other fantastic
ideas can the Republicans come up with? How about getting
rid of endagered species - that sound good to you? An environmental
conference in Santiago, Chile, was "shocked" (although
we're not sure why) to hear that the United States offer a
plan that would "allow for a renewed international commercial
trade in stockpiled elephant ivory within the next three years,"
to the Environment News Service. The head of the United
States conference delegation, Judge Craig Manson, admitted
to receiving 12,000 emails within a 48 hour period objecting
to a relaxation in the ivory trade ban. He said, "The United
States continues to be strongly committed to African elephant
conservation." And then added, "We just want to make
it easier for people to chop off their tusks and sell them
to the highest bidder."
And finally, the brand new governor of Georgia, Sonny Perdue,
seemed to be having a fine old time at his victory speech
on November 5. Unfortunately a lot of people think that he
might have gone just a little over the top. Perdue decided
to draw a rather pathetic comparison to slavery when he celebrated
the end of Democratic control of Georgia's government by echoing
the words of Martin Luther King: "Free at last, free at last,
thank God Almighty, we're free at last!" The fact that a large
confederate flag was flying in the foreground as his speech
started added more than a touch of irony to the occasion.
Comments from Georgians ranged from "odd" to "cheap"
to "disgusted" to "slap in the face."
And now Perdue is making noises about returning Georgia's
state flag to the old stars and bars. I think we'll go with
"disgusted" and "slap in the face." See
you next week...
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