Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 71)
Anonymous Republican Coward Edition
strange has happened this week. We don't actually know the
identity of the person in the number one slot, although we
do know the person is a Republican, and we know it's a United
States senator. Next on the list is Dick Cheney (2) who seems
to have an affinity for coke users. Gubernatorial candidate
Mitt Romney (4) is busted in a $54,000 lie. Meanwhile, Tom
Delay (5) embraces the Conservative News Network, Dr. Laura
dreams about the White House, and S. Vance Wilkins Jr. (7)
dreams about groping young women. Bringing up the rear, our
old friend Michael Bloomberg (9) hits the links, and Bill
Simon (10) gets caught making charitable contributions to
himself. (Don't forget the key.)
Anonymous Republican Senator
George W. Bush and the Republicans have been publicly positioning
themselves as tough, no-nonsense warriors in the fight against
the enemies of Truth, Justice, and the American Way. And as
proof of their own virtue, they've been calling the rest of
us dangerous partisans, or worse, outright traitors. Of course,
when they are not under the bright spotlight of public scrutiny,
they don't care quite as much about homeland security as they
claim. Since 9/11, it's become painfully clear that America's
security apparatus, including the FBI and other law enforcement
agencies, is in desperate need of an overhaul. But after a
bill to reform the FBI was unanimously passed by the Senate
Judiciary Committee, an anonymous Republican senator put a
hold on the legislation, effectively killing the bill.
Some say it's payback for the defeat of Bush judicial nominee
Charles Pickering. If this is true, the anonymous Republican
senator is willing to put the lives of Americans at risk in
order to score a few partisan political points. Shameful.
But don't expect Dubya to be browbeating this GOP coward.
These days, it's only PC to call Democrats un-American.
Dick Cheney has invited a convicted cocaine user to join him
for a special private dinner in Washington, DC. And, no
it's not the cocaine user you are thinking of… He was never
convicted, and he never actually admitted to even using
cocaine, so stop saying that. The cocaine user in question
is actually a man by the name of Robert H. Kirkpatrick. Cheney
invited him to DC "to serve as a special representative of
St. Clairsville, Ohio," at a private dinner with the Cokehead
in Chief. Funny, Mr. Kirkpatrick isn't actually from Clairsville
- he's a Canton, Ohio native who's in Clairsville doing hard
time at the prison there. Oh, but this is really an honest
mistake on Cheney's part. These days, it's hard to keep track
of which cocaine users are in prison, and which are in the
Here's another great idea from the up-is-down, black-is-white
administration. Democrats in Congress have proposed a plan
which would prevent US companies from dodging taxes by moving
overseas. But Dubya and his evil minions won't
hear of it. Last week they told Congress that not allowing
companies to reap the benefits of the American market while
also conveniently not having to pay American taxes would have
"harmful effects on the US economy." Translation
- Bush&Co. don't want to piss off their fat-cat buddies.
Hey, you can't be president forever, and when you retire what
better job than twit-in-charge of some tax-free mega-conglomerate.
Screw the American public - you've been working for them,
haven't you? Time for them to give something back!
What's the best characteristic a man should have if he wants
to become governor of Massachusetts? Character? Fortitude?
Intelligence? The ability to tell such hamfisted lies that
everyone catches you out and humiliates you in public? If
you're Mitt Romney, the answer is D. Apparently the Massachusetts
Constitution says that you have to be a resident of the state
for each of the seven years leading up to your election. And
- oh dear - between 1999 and 2001, Mitt Romney listed his
home in Utah as his primary residence on his tax forms. He
got a nice $54,000 tax break out of it, too. But now Mr. Romney
is looking a tad foolish
- because the day before this information came out, he lied
to reporters at a press conference, telling them that he filed
in Utah and Massachusetts. You see, it turns out that
he amended his 1999-2000 tax returns to show Massachusetts
as his primary residence a week after he announced
his candidacy. So - not exactly true then, eh Mitt?
Romney could turn this first-class idiocy to his advantage
though, if he hasn't ruled out running for governor of Utah
in 2004. So whichever way he chooses to twist the truth, everyone's
a winner with Mitt Romney's Flexible Residency Circus o' Bullpoop!
Stop Press! CNN is no longer politically unbalanced! At least,
that is, according to ex-cockroach wrangler Tom Delay. (Although
considering who he has to whip into shape, perhaps "ex"
is too strong a word.) Last week, according
to Roll Call, Delay "expressed appreciation that
CNN has been willing to listen and improve its ideological
balance." Thank God for that! We were worried that CNN was
getting too liberal - I swear Bill Schneider and Wolf Blitzer
almost took their noses out of Dubya's butt last week. But
if Tom thinks it's fair and balanced, well that's good enough
for us! If Tom DeLay, the very epitome of middle-of-the-road
America, Mr. Moderation Personified, is convinced that something
is "balanced" - you can be sure that it's
Hang onto your morals, readers - "Doctor" Laura
is comin' atcha! "You realize the two of them [Bill and
Hillary Clinton] are perverse, disturbed and destructive.
And immoral... this is what happens when you have such ferocious
bias in the media and only one picture is painted," opined
the professional meddler to her 15 million avid robot listeners
last week. "If Hillary runs, I'm going to feel a need
to run against her," she added. Run, Laura, run! Call
us old fashioned, but we think that the candidate with the
best chance is probably the one who doesn't have nudie
pics plastered all over the Internet. Won't somebody think
of the children?
Vance Wilkins, Jr.
From the conservative moral values file: Last week the Washington
that the Speaker of the Virginia House of Delegates paid more
than $100,000 to settle a sexual harassment claim filed by
a 26-year-old woman who worked in the same building. The woman
alleged that the 65-year old S. Vance Wilkins, Jr., had sexually
accosted her several times, groping her and pinning her against
office furniture. The disgusting perv then tried to keep the
woman silent by telling her that nobody would possibly believe
such a thing about the Speaker of the House. Oh, please.
That argument worked really well for Clarence Thomas and Bob
Packwood, too. What the hell is wrong with these people? For
some reason, they think they've got the right to tell consenting
adults how to live their lives. But behind the scenes it seems
like they're all running around harassing women and molesting
George W. Bush once famously announced that he would leave
no child behind. Unfortunately, he must have been talking
about rich, privileged Western kids - and all the rest can
just stay right where they are, thanks very much. See, more
than 2.2 million people, the majority of which are children,
die every year in the Third World from a variety of diseases
caused by lack of sanitation. The UN reckons that that number
could drop by 75 percent if clean water and sanitation were
provided. Which is why a plan to aid 1.2 billion people
without sanitation will be put in front of the World Summit
for Sustainable Development in Johannesburg this August. But
don't get too excited - George W. Bush is blocking the plan,
to the UK Independent. Why? Apparently a British delegation
met US officials last week but "did not receive any clear
reason for their objection." Well, gee, the reason wouldn't
have anything to do with them being uncaring, heartless bastards
would it? Of course not.
Back in April the bumbling billionaire mayor of New York,
Michael Bloomberg, set a deadline of last Wednesday to pass
the city budget, and close a multi-billion dollar shortfall.
But when the deadline came, the mayor blew
off the city council and went golfing instead. "While
he's doing 18 holes, we're occupied with one hole: a $6 billion
hole," said an aide to the city council, referring to the
budget shortfall. Rather than interrupt his game, the mayor's
office requested a one-week extension, which the council granted.
Typical Republican. While the rest of us are busy actually
working to keep this country afloat, they're all off at
the country club playing golf, counting their money, and sipping
mint juleps. Fore!
And finally: The millionaire GOP candidate for the governorship
of California, Bill Simon, first demonstrated his political
credibility by not releasing his tax returns to reporters.
His refusal to follow this customary practice raised a few
eyebrows and drew some fire, but the best was yet to come.
See, while Simon had every right to refuse to release his
personal tax returns, he couldn't protect the tax returns
of his family's nonprofit foundation. And those returns, according
to the San Francisco Chronicle, reveal that "a
substantial amount of money earmarked for charitable purposes
ended up at Simon's private investment firm." How bizarre!
Of course, there's absolutely no wrongdoing, as usual. Yes,
despite the fact that "money managers and accountants
with experience in this area" think that there's something
"fishy" going on, "any characterization that the
foundation was somehow enriching Bill is totally untrue,"
said a spokesman. So there. It must have been an unfortunate
accounting error... or... something. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List