Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 39)
Not-So-Fine Man Edition
Here we go again. Howard Fineman (1) sets a new standard
for media-whoring, while the Florida Recount Consortium (2)
covers for the Commander-in-Thief. Louis Sheldon (4) strikes
a blow against grieving gays, Ari Fleischer (5) strikes a
blow against the American people, and Rudy Giuliani's (6)
ego just blows up. And just in case anyone thinks this list
is unpatriotic, here's an American flag:
In the wake of the September 11 attacks, we suppose it was
inevitable that the media would "rally 'round the president"
to a certain degree. (Why, he's got the best qualities of
Reagan, FDR, and Lincoln — with the rugged good looks of JFK
to boot!) But in case you haven't yet been convinced that
Bush/43 strides the globe like a proverbial giant, Howard
Fineman has got conclusive proof — proof! — that you
are not only an idiot, but also a shameless partisan who just
needs to get over that whole 2000 election thing. The Newsweek/MSNBC
"journalist" (and Whore of the Week at Media
Whores Online) has given all of us one more reason to
bow down before the altar that is Dubya: All of Al Gore's
Top Advisors are "relieved"
that our current president is George W. Bush, and not that
other guy with the beard who lied all the time about inventing
the Internet. Says not-so-Fineman: "with almost audible
sighs of relief, some top people who worked for Al Gore privately
tell me they are glad (relieved might be a better word) that
George Bush — not Bill Clinton’s veep — is in the White House
now." Never mind that he only quotes four people — all
anonymous. (Editor's note: Remember how Gore ran that
presidential campaign last year with only four people?) Fineman's
real kicker is the reason that they are glad that Gore is
not in charge: "The Republican Right would have been
all over us." Did you catch that, folks? Gore would have
done a bad job, because Republicans can't put aside
their hate, even in a time of national crisis.
Associated Press, The New York Times, The Washington Post,
CNN, The Palm Beach Post, The St. Petersburg Times, The Wall
Street Journal, The Chicago Tribune, The Los Angeles Times,
Newsday, The Orlando Sentinel, and The South Florida Sun-Sentinel
Remember the Florida recount by that Consortium of news organizations?
There was a little-noticed story
in late September that the ballot review had been "delayed
indefinitely as a result of the recent terrorist attacks."
This would be enough of an outrage, if it weren't also probably
untrue. Last week, David Podvin published an explosive article
indicating that the recount had actually been deep-sixed because
"The Consortium was stunned to discover that the recount
revealed Gore won a clear victory." Prior to September
11, "the de facto majority shareholders in the publicly
traded New York Times Company reportedly intervened on the
side of quashing the recount results and convinced the other
participants to shelve the story." And it's a good thing
too. Believe it or not, before September 11, there was a time
when some Americans actually gave a shit whether the
current president was lawfully and democratically elected.
Fortunately, we've since learned that to do so is shamefully
partisan, if not downright un-American.
Making fun of Bush's verbal slip-ups is kinda like shooting
fish in a barrel. It's so easy, even a child could do it. But
every so often, Bush says something so dumb that even we seasoned
Bush-bashers have to take the bait. On Thursday, the Dubya said
the following during his remarks
to the employees of the Department of Labor: "And we'll
be tough and resolute as we unite, to make sure freedom stands,
to rout out evil, to say to our children and grandchildren,
we were bold enough to act, without tiring, so that you can
live in a great land and in a peaceful world. And there's no
doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail."
One is inevitably led to ask:
"What Would Freud Think?" No doubt, Bush didn't mean
to say what he did, but we here at DU worry there might be a
kernel of truth in this gaffe.
Louis P. Sheldon
The forces of anti-gay hate have been positively shameful
in their efforts to use the 9/11 tragedy to promote their
cruel, un-American agenda. The latest backward-ass ditto-monkey
to jump on the Falwell/Robertson bandwagon of bigotry is the
Rev. Louis P. Sheldon, chairman and founder of the so-called
Traditional Values Coalition. Last week, the evil Reverend
that relief agencies should not give assistance to surviving
members of gay partnerships. Groups "should be first giving
priority to those widows who were at home with their babies
and those widowers who lost their wives," he said. Assistance
"should be given on the basis and priority of one man and
one woman in a marital relationship." Presumably, Sheldon
doesn't want gays and lesbians to have any special rights,
like the right to get some help from a private organization
when your partner is killed in a terrorist attack. (Hide the
children! Somebody is helping a gay person!)
Just how long can a presidential spokesperson last, when he
repeatedly and gratuitously expresses his utter contempt for
the press corps and for the American people? Somehow, Ari
"Liescher" seems to have the green light from his
boss to just keep pilin' it on, and last week he did it again.
Seeing as this country has been the target of a savage terrorist
attack, one would think we might be interested in learning,
exactly, who was responsible. But when he was asked why the
U.S. government did not directly make the case against bin
Laden to its own citizens, Fleischer suggested
reporters were the only ones interested. "I'm not sure that
there's a clamor from the American people," he said.
Apparently our government considers us either a) too stupid,
or b) too slavishly trusting of their spin, to expect any
actual accounting of the evidence from them against Osama
bin Laden. Instead, we had to get it from our friends in the
UK. (Tony Blair: Our Real President?)
After weeks of unprecedented admiration and adulation, Rudy's
titanic-sized ego spoiled everything as his iron fist came
out again, threatening to sabotage the democratic process
by demanding the 3 mayoral candidates give him another three
months in office to handle things. (This after the "independent"
effort to repeal term-limits never got off the ground.) Only
Ferrer had the cajones to say no, while certain other candidates
became spineless jellyfish in kowtowing to Rudy. Rudy just
doesn't know how to bow out gracefully and let Mayor #108
take charge of City Hall. Sorry Rudy, NYC is not a banana
republic just take Judy Nathan and get lost. Heck,
even Winston Churchill was defeated in 1945 after WWII. Nobody
is indispensable. New York will keep going without you. (Special
thanks to Sharon Rutman, who said this better than we could
Staff of the Senate Press Gallery
seems that the White House is not the only governmental institution
that restricts press access during a time of crisis. But instead
of protecting National Security, the US Senate is clamping
down to protect... a doddering old conservative fossil who
got a little too "dehydrated." Last Thursday, Sen.
Strom Thurmond (R-Ancient) fell ill on the Senate floor. Within
minutes there was a media blackout.
The viewing galleries were closed and TV cameras were shut
off. They even established a "security perimeter,"
presumably to ensure that no Islamic militant suicide bombers
tried to take advantage of Strom's weakened state. Viewers
of C-SPAN 2 got no indication of what was going on, and the
Congressional Record only notes that the Senate went into
recess at 10:36 and "reassembled" at 10:54. Reporters
were furious, but who cares? Everyone hates them anyway.
Of course, the unprecedented atmosphere of unity was bound
to end sometime, but who would have thought that the first
rift would be between Bush and the Republicans? Last week,
George W. Bush agreed with Democrats that the best way to
improve airline security is to have the federal government
take over security measures in airports. After all, the airlines
had their chance, and they blew it hiring poorly trained
people at minimum wage. Of course, conservative ideological
extremists in the House refused to go along with the deal.
According to the Washington Post,
GOP leaders in the House "did not want their members
to be forced to take a difficult vote to choose between
a larger federal workforce or greater airport security."
Boy, there's a toughie! Fortunately, we here at DU have a
solution to the impasse: let's just have the Pentagon take
over airport security. Then the anti-big-government crowd
would be sure to spend billions of dollars on bigger government,
no questions asked.
September 30, an official for the New York City Public Schools
wrote that the September 11 attacks underscore how "We
have to do more to teach habits of tolerance, knowledge, and
awareness of other cultures." Lynne Cheney was outraged.
Apparently Cheney, the long-time cultural crusader, felt that
this "implies that the events of September 11 were our
fault, that it was our failure to understand Islam that led
to so many deaths and so much destruction." Fair enough.
But then Cheney goes on to say, "If there is a failure
here, it is a lack of commitment to this nation's history."
Hmm. Let me get this straight: first, Cheney says that we
are not to blame. But then she points the finger at our "lack
of commitment to this nation's history." So, which one
is it? Oh, I understand - it's the liberals' fault!
U.S. Supreme Court
finally, the U.S. Supreme Court, without provocation, announced
last week that Bill Clinton is officially barred from practicing
law before the Court. Never mind that Big Bill wasn't exactly
planning to argue any cases before the Court any time soon.
We're at war with terrorists, but the esteemed Justices of
the Court insist on rehashing the vitally important National
Fellatio Crisis. I guess it wasn't enough for them to screw
Al Gore, they had to take one last pot-shot at Bill Clinton
as well. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List