Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 22)
Well Advised Edition
Who'da thunk it? Not only did Ari Fleischer (1) manage to
crawl back to the top of the heap this week, but Trent Lott
(2) is a non-mover as well. Obviously we're seeing a little
stagnation now that the new administration has settled in.
Either that or everyone else has decided that these two are
so good at the "idiot thing" that they can just
keep the top spots for good. Meanwhile, the Secret Service
(4) are living up to their initials again, Tony Snow (7) discovers
that you can retract a non-apology, and the British
Conservative Party (10) resign themselves to five more years
in the wilderness. What a shame!
Fleischer - Last
Week: 1 Weeks on chart: 4
- Despite tough odds, The Hatchet has managed to maintain
his grasp on the number one spot. Last week he reached
the top for his rather lame attempts to threaten the
ex-Clinton staffers who wanted an after he lied about
vandalism in the White House. "They are well advised
to leave it alone," said Ari, explaining
that, despite the Bush administration wanting to move
on, change the tone, blah blah blah, etc. etc., he would
soon be forced to reveal hard-core evidence of some
major White House trashing. Finally, The Hatchet decided
that enough was enough, and stunned reporters and pundits
everywhere by releasing two shocking photographs of...
a messy office. Oh, and a list of damage which he'd
kept in his head but had unfortunately forgotten to
turn over to the GAO because he accidentally didn't
write it down or in fact collect any evidence to prove
it had even happened in the first place. We await with
bated breath the next thrilling chapter of "The
Ari Fleischer Story." Next week: "No, seriously.
They really are well advised to leave it alone,"
hinted Ari darkly, his bald head glistening slightly
under the lights as he dangled a slightly frayed telephone
cord before the panting reporters..."
Lott - Last week:
2 Weeks on chart: 5
- No change for Trent either this week - he remains
in the number two position as his disgraceful plummet
into Senate minority status continues. While publicly
proclaiming that bipartisanship is the key to success,
the formerly-singing Senator sent a memo to fellow GOPers
last week informing them that Republicans must "wage
war" to win back control of the Senate. That sounds
nice and bipartisan to us. Interestingly, the memo also
stated that "We have a moral obligation to restore
the integrity of our democracy, to restore by the democratic
process what was changed in the shadows of the back
rooms in Washington." Well hey, about time! It's
good to see a Republican of his stature finally expressing
an interest in last year's election debacle. What's
that? He's talking about Jim Jeffords? Oh, never mind
Sanders Sauls - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2
- After shooting down Al Gore's legal challenge of George
W. Bush's election "victory," Sanders Sauls
is attempting to extend his fifteen minutes of conservative
idiocy. Despite the fact that Judges are supposed to
be impartial arbiters, Sauls has given himself away
somewhat by accepting speaking invitations from dubiously
conservative organizations. Last week Judicial Watch
hosted a tribute to Sauls, and later this month he is
speaking at an event held by right-wing nutjobs Free
Republic, alongside that other bastion of fairness and
impartiality, Katherine Harris. Wonder what the topic
of his speech will be? "How To Pretend To Be Unbiased
While Stealing An Election," maybe. Or, "Why
Being A Right-Wing Extremist Doesn't Interfere With
The Judicial Process." Apparently Sauls doesn't
understand the conflict of interest, saying "I
don't do anything unless I clear it" for ethical problems
first. Who's he clearing it with? Rush Limbaugh?
Secret Service - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 4
- Now don't get us wrong. The Secret Service have a
very important job - to protect the life of the President.
And bail underage drunks out of jail (see Idiots Week
8). However, George W. Bush now appears to be using
the Secret Service for a different purpose entirely
- making sure that he doesn't have to look at mean people
who disagree with him. When Bush appeared at Legends
Field in Tampa, Florida, last week, protesters were
herded into a "First Amendment Zone" half
a mile away (funny, we kinda thought the whole country
was a First Amendment Zone). Three lucky ticket holders
were arrested and dragged out of the stadium after refusing
to leave with their anti-Bush signs, because according
to the SS "you can't be within eyeshot of the president
with those signs because it's a security issue."
Does this remind anyone of when the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince-who-is-now-currently-known-as-Prince-again
decreed that no-one was allowed to look him in the eye
when he walked into a club? Seem to recall his
career going down the pan recently too...
Donaldson - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- Mr. Plastic-head practically melted over the
Bush girls on ABC last week. "I think these young
ladies will grow up to be good solid citizens,"
he simpered, "and like all Bushes, one of them
will become president of the United States someday."
EDITOR'S NOTE: Melting may have been caused by studio
lights/acrylic hair-helmet combination.
Snow - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - After taking heat for
falsely asserting that Clinton staffers had looted Air
Force One and trashed the White House, Tony Snow delivered
a spectacularly half-assed apology. But when an e-mail
campaign was started to point out that packing newspaper
columns full of lies merited more than a simple "whoops,
sorry," Snow changed his tune. "I carefully
did not apologize for complaining about vandalism
at the White House complex," he said. "Many
of us knew that the White House stories were true; sources
confirmed the goings-on in considerable detail, but
kept mum because the President wanted to be nice to
his predecessor... My suggestion to the hate e-mailers:
Drop it. Before the White House starts releasing photos
and phone records." Yeah, just drop it! Or Ari will
release some more photos of file boxes stacked on desks
and then you'll be sorry!
Fitton - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - And while we're on the
subject of lying about trashing the White House, here's
Tom Fitton, president of Judicial Watch: "I know
based on sources who have proved credible in the past,
that Bush officials – whether they be career staff or
political staff – have knowledge that laptops were stolen,"
said Tom in the oh-so-reliable online rag WorldNetDaily.com.
But Fitton has decided to keep his sources confidential
because "they still fear retaliation from officials
in the Bush White House who are holdovers from the Clinton
administration." Holdovers? Maybe they're worried that
a mean-spirited janitor might suddenly attack them with
a broom. Or a caterer with a grudge might spill hot
soup on their pants. Or maybe it's all in Tom Fitton's
imagination. Who can tell?
Wall Street Journal - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - "It's a sign of how far
Washington politics has degraded that Republicans are
threatening to filibuster the rules that would give
Democrats their committee majority until they get a
firm deal that Bush nominees will eventually get a Senate
floor vote," said the Wall Street Journal editorial
last week. Wow! Couldn't agree with you more! Nice to
see eye to eye with you on something for once. But wait
a second... there's more. "Time was that such an
understanding would be taken for granted in Washington,
or settled with handshakes. No more, and herein hangs
a tale of what's happened to American politics." So
let's get this straight... according to the Journal,
Washington politics are degrading because now the evil
Democrats are in charge of the Senate, those
poor, honorable Republicans are forced to filibuster
so that they can change the rules. Ah, do you remember
the good old days in Washington? Before the Democrats
degraded politics? Back then the majority party would
just bend over and let the minority party have their
wicked way with them, all for the price of a pat on
the back and a firm handshake. Thanks for the memories,
WSJ. Now I'm all misty-eyed...
Novak - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3 - Bob's an idiot this week
because he's done something really stupid - he
blurted out the truth. Now his conservative paymasters
will be most displeased. Let's see if you can spot Bob's
mistake. Here's one of his quotes from "The Capital
Gang" last week: "I think that the person who is
to blame is George W. Bush for passing those tough enforcement
laws in the state of Texas, that if his daughter gets
caught again under those laws she goes to jail - of
course, she won't go to jail - but these are ridiculous
laws, and everybody is too excited about teenage drinking"
Did you spot the mistake? Well done! The key phrase
is "of course, she won't go to jail." Bob
inadvertently admitted what the country already knows
- if you're rich and well connected, laws need not apply.
Thanks Bob! Look out though, we hear that Ari Fleischer
says you're "well advised" to keep
your mouth shut from now on. And he's got photographs!
British Conservative Party - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - And
finally, we are delighted to report that the British
public had the good sense to reject William Hague and
the Tories in last week's national elections, seeing
them for the race-baiting, xenophobic, out-of-touch
conservative idiots that they are (see Idiots Week 15).
After launching his campaign with the promise of tax
cuts, Tory leader Hague suddenly realized that the British
were much more concerned about the quality of their
social programs. So he decided to switch to, um, an
anti-immigration program, which went down really
well. Convinced that the pollsters were all wrong, the
Conservatives thought that they could maybe gain around
twenty seats. But on the day, they only managed a paltry...
one. This left Tony Blair and the Labor Party with their
huge majority intact, and Hague fell on his sword, resigning
just hours after the results came in. Cheerio!
a Conservative for Next Week's List