Democratic Underground

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 22)
June 11, 2001
Well Advised Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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Who'da thunk it? Not only did Ari Fleischer (1) manage to crawl back to the top of the heap this week, but Trent Lott (2) is a non-mover as well. Obviously we're seeing a little stagnation now that the new administration has settled in. Either that or everyone else has decided that these two are so good at the "idiot thing" that they can just keep the top spots for good. Meanwhile, the Secret Service (4) are living up to their initials again, Tony Snow (7) discovers that you can retract a non-apology, and the British Conservative Party (10) resign themselves to five more years in the wilderness. What a shame!


Ari Fleischer - Last Week: 1 Weeks on chart: 4 - Despite tough odds, The Hatchet has managed to maintain his grasp on the number one spot. Last week he reached the top for his rather lame attempts to threaten the ex-Clinton staffers who wanted an after he lied about vandalism in the White House. "They are well advised to leave it alone," said Ari, explaining that, despite the Bush administration wanting to move on, change the tone, blah blah blah, etc. etc., he would soon be forced to reveal hard-core evidence of some major White House trashing. Finally, The Hatchet decided that enough was enough, and stunned reporters and pundits everywhere by releasing two shocking photographs of... a messy office. Oh, and a list of damage which he'd kept in his head but had unfortunately forgotten to turn over to the GAO because he accidentally didn't write it down or in fact collect any evidence to prove it had even happened in the first place. We await with bated breath the next thrilling chapter of "The Ari Fleischer Story." Next week: "No, seriously. They really are well advised to leave it alone," hinted Ari darkly, his bald head glistening slightly under the lights as he dangled a slightly frayed telephone cord before the panting reporters..."


Trent Lott - Last week: 2 Weeks on chart: 5 - No change for Trent either this week - he remains in the number two position as his disgraceful plummet into Senate minority status continues. While publicly proclaiming that bipartisanship is the key to success, the formerly-singing Senator sent a memo to fellow GOPers last week informing them that Republicans must "wage war" to win back control of the Senate. That sounds nice and bipartisan to us. Interestingly, the memo also stated that "We have a moral obligation to restore the integrity of our democracy, to restore by the democratic process what was changed in the shadows of the back rooms in Washington." Well hey, about time! It's good to see a Republican of his stature finally expressing an interest in last year's election debacle. What's that? He's talking about Jim Jeffords? Oh, never mind then.


Judge Sanders Sauls - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - After shooting down Al Gore's legal challenge of George W. Bush's election "victory," Sanders Sauls is attempting to extend his fifteen minutes of conservative idiocy. Despite the fact that Judges are supposed to be impartial arbiters, Sauls has given himself away somewhat by accepting speaking invitations from dubiously conservative organizations. Last week Judicial Watch hosted a tribute to Sauls, and later this month he is speaking at an event held by right-wing nutjobs Free Republic, alongside that other bastion of fairness and impartiality, Katherine Harris. Wonder what the topic of his speech will be? "How To Pretend To Be Unbiased While Stealing An Election," maybe. Or, "Why Being A Right-Wing Extremist Doesn't Interfere With The Judicial Process." Apparently Sauls doesn't understand the conflict of interest, saying "I don't do anything unless I clear it" for ethical problems first. Who's he clearing it with? Rush Limbaugh?


The Secret Service - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - Now don't get us wrong. The Secret Service have a very important job - to protect the life of the President. And bail underage drunks out of jail (see Idiots Week 8). However, George W. Bush now appears to be using the Secret Service for a different purpose entirely - making sure that he doesn't have to look at mean people who disagree with him. When Bush appeared at Legends Field in Tampa, Florida, last week, protesters were herded into a "First Amendment Zone" half a mile away (funny, we kinda thought the whole country was a First Amendment Zone). Three lucky ticket holders were arrested and dragged out of the stadium after refusing to leave with their anti-Bush signs, because according to the SS "you can't be within eyeshot of the president with those signs because it's a security issue." Does this remind anyone of when the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince-who-is-now-currently-known-as-Prince-again decreed that no-one was allowed to look him in the eye when he walked into a club? Seem to recall his career going down the pan recently too...


Sam Donaldson - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Mr. Plastic-head practically melted over the Bush girls on ABC last week. "I think these young ladies will grow up to be good solid citizens," he simpered, "and like all Bushes, one of them will become president of the United States someday." EDITOR'S NOTE: Melting may have been caused by studio lights/acrylic hair-helmet combination.


Tony Snow - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - After taking heat for falsely asserting that Clinton staffers had looted Air Force One and trashed the White House, Tony Snow delivered a spectacularly half-assed apology. But when an e-mail campaign was started to point out that packing newspaper columns full of lies merited more than a simple "whoops, sorry," Snow changed his tune. "I carefully did not apologize for complaining about vandalism at the White House complex," he said. "Many of us knew that the White House stories were true; sources confirmed the goings-on in considerable detail, but kept mum because the President wanted to be nice to his predecessor... My suggestion to the hate e-mailers: Drop it. Before the White House starts releasing photos and phone records." Yeah, just drop it! Or Ari will release some more photos of file boxes stacked on desks and then you'll be sorry!


Tom Fitton - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And while we're on the subject of lying about trashing the White House, here's Tom Fitton, president of Judicial Watch: "I know based on sources who have proved credible in the past, that Bush officials whether they be career staff or political staff have knowledge that laptops were stolen," said Tom in the oh-so-reliable online rag But Fitton has decided to keep his sources confidential because "they still fear retaliation from officials in the Bush White House who are holdovers from the Clinton administration." Holdovers? Maybe they're worried that a mean-spirited janitor might suddenly attack them with a broom. Or a caterer with a grudge might spill hot soup on their pants. Or maybe it's all in Tom Fitton's imagination. Who can tell?


The Wall Street Journal - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - "It's a sign of how far Washington politics has degraded that Republicans are threatening to filibuster the rules that would give Democrats their committee majority until they get a firm deal that Bush nominees will eventually get a Senate floor vote," said the Wall Street Journal editorial last week. Wow! Couldn't agree with you more! Nice to see eye to eye with you on something for once. But wait a second... there's more. "Time was that such an understanding would be taken for granted in Washington, or settled with handshakes. No more, and herein hangs a tale of what's happened to American politics." So let's get this straight... according to the Journal, Washington politics are degrading because now the evil Democrats are in charge of the Senate, those poor, honorable Republicans are forced to filibuster so that they can change the rules. Ah, do you remember the good old days in Washington? Before the Democrats degraded politics? Back then the majority party would just bend over and let the minority party have their wicked way with them, all for the price of a pat on the back and a firm handshake. Thanks for the memories, WSJ. Now I'm all misty-eyed...


Robert Novak - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 3 - Bob's an idiot this week because he's done something really stupid - he blurted out the truth. Now his conservative paymasters will be most displeased. Let's see if you can spot Bob's mistake. Here's one of his quotes from "The Capital Gang" last week: "I think that the person who is to blame is George W. Bush for passing those tough enforcement laws in the state of Texas, that if his daughter gets caught again under those laws she goes to jail - of course, she won't go to jail - but these are ridiculous laws, and everybody is too excited about teenage drinking" Did you spot the mistake? Well done! The key phrase is "of course, she won't go to jail." Bob inadvertently admitted what the country already knows - if you're rich and well connected, laws need not apply. Thanks Bob! Look out though, we hear that Ari Fleischer says you're "well advised" to keep your mouth shut from now on. And he's got photographs!


The British Conservative Party - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And finally, we are delighted to report that the British public had the good sense to reject William Hague and the Tories in last week's national elections, seeing them for the race-baiting, xenophobic, out-of-touch conservative idiots that they are (see Idiots Week 15). After launching his campaign with the promise of tax cuts, Tory leader Hague suddenly realized that the British were much more concerned about the quality of their social programs. So he decided to switch to, um, an anti-immigration program, which went down really well. Convinced that the pollsters were all wrong, the Conservatives thought that they could maybe gain around twenty seats. But on the day, they only managed a paltry... one. This left Tony Blair and the Labor Party with their huge majority intact, and Hague fell on his sword, resigning just hours after the results came in. Cheerio!

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