Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 21)
The Smackdown Edition
Tough talk all round this week, as Ari Fleischer (1) goes
into overdrive. Hoo-ah! In a desperate attempt to keep his
job, Trent Lott (2) tosses blame everywhere, and the Republican
National Committee (3) turn up the hypocrisy. Meanwhile Roger
Ailes (8) blows a gasket, and in the blink of an eye, David
Jaye (9) goes from State Senator to layabout bum.
Fleischer - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3
- Ari "The Hatchet" Flesicher came out swinging
last week when the media decided to pick up the Jenna
Bush/Fake ID story and run a marathon with it. Visibly
peeved, The Hatchet held a White House press briefing
and issued a not-so-veiled threat to the assembled journalists:
"I would urge all of you to very carefully
think through how much you want to pursue this."
Uh-oh! Obviously sensing that he was on to something,
Fleischer was back a few days later with another bucketful
of bravado. After ex-Clinton staffers demanded an apology
for the slanderous White House trashing story that the
Bush team allowed to fester, The Hatchet proclaimed,
"No apology is merited. They are well-advised to
leave it alone." Ouch! That Ari sure is one tough
bastard. It was noted that the press corp were definitely
shaking in their boots; whether from fear or mirth is
not entirely clear at this point. Breaking news: We
hear that Vince McMahon is considering taking on The
Hatchet as his new WWF superstar - look out for that
Triple-H/Rock/Mankind/Fleischer Smackdown coming soon
to a second-rate arena near you!
Lott - Last week:
4 Weeks on chart: 4
- The Mississippi Hair Helmet was in full-on crybaby
mode last week, blaming everybody but himself for Jim
Jefford's courageous decision to dump the GOP. Trent
called Jeffords' switch a "coup of one" that "trumped
the will of the American people." I guess Trent got
a slightly different vibe from the last election
than I did. As far as I can tell, the American people
were split pretty much evenly between the two parties
for House and Senate, and the majority of votes for
president went to the Democratic candidate -
not exactly an overwhelming mandate for the extreme
conservative agenda that Lott, et. al have been trying
to foist upon the American people. And, Trent, baby,
if you really want to throw around the word "coup,"
I might point out that Jim Jeffords never kicked thousands
of eligible minority voters off of the voter rolls,
never encouraged overseas voters to send in their ballots
after election day, never engaged in a systematic effort
to keep legally-cast votes from being counted. Oh, and
one more thing: You lost! Trent Loserman! HA HA! GET
Republican National Committee - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- When it comes to hypocrisy, Republicans are truly
the masters of the game. After Trent Lott's coments
last week, you'd think that they'd be vehemently opposed
to party-switchers, wouldn't you? I mean, that Jim Jeffords
was a real swine, wasn't he? You might even go so far
as to call him a traitor. Or accuse him of backstabbing
the entire American electorate. So what was this that
we discovered on the RNC's website last week? Why, it's
a handy-dandy press release which gushingly celebrates
all the Democrats who have switched to the Republican
party since 1993. "Since President Bush was elected,
24 elected officials have left the Democrat party to
become Republicans." bragged RNC Chairman Jim Gilmore.
"In the past decade, hundreds of Democrats have
become Republicans because they agree with us on the
issues." But they're not traitors, oh no. They're
patriots. They agree with the Republican party
on the issues! And that makes it all okay, see. If you're
at all confused by this amazing double standard... then
you are capable of independent thought. Congratulations.
Specter - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - Last
week the Pennsylvania Senator hit on a recurring theme
for Republicans: If you can't get a majority, figure
out some other way to keep the GOP in charge. Humiliated
by his impending switch to minority status, Specter
proposed a new Senate rule that would prevent an individual
party switcher from shifting party control of the Senate.
Essentially Specter's rule would overturn the ages-old
idea that is fundamental to democratic government: majority
rule. While we appreciate that the Repubs are a little
miffed about being sent to the proverbial dog house
called "minority status," we were nonetheless surprised
to learn that they would try to do something this
pathetic. Ahh, the sweet smell of desperationů
Wolfowitz - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Paul Wolfowitz is the
Deputy Secretary of Defense, and last week it was announced
that he would be receiving a great honor. Johns Hopkins
University decided to give Mr. Wolfowitz the Paul H.
Nitze School of Advanced International Studies Founders'
Award, which recognizes those individuals who have made
a singular contribution to the school or who have distinguished
themselves in the international arena. Just a few hours
after announcing the Wolfowitz award, Johns Hopkins
revealed that its Applied Physics Laboratory will receive
an indefinite contract with an estimated cumulative
total of $100,000,000 for advanced research, development
and engineering support for the Department of Defense.
We're glad to see that you can still buy something
Weeks on chart: 1 - When Jim Jeffords announced
his departure from the GOP, it was broadcast live on
all the major networks - except one. ABC decided not
to pre-empt "Live with Regis and Kelly" with
the Senator's monumental proclamation, a source reportedly
saying, "There was little surprise, or news."
Um, okay. It's only the first time EVER that a defecting
Senator has caused a power shift in the Senate. Still,
we understand that ABC wouldn't want to upset the most
important man in America. No, not George W. Bush...
Dennis and Gerry Callahan - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Dennis and Callahan were
up to their usual jolly japes last week on WEEI, the
Boston sports talk radio station. Having a good old
poke at Jim Jeffords, they called him a turncoat, a
liberal and, sarcastically, a "man of principle."
Then, in their gentle comedy fashion, they directly
compared him to Timothy McVeigh. Uh... why? Well, they're
both real "men of priniciple." Get it? Har
de har. Comparing a Senator's defection to the murder
of 168 people, that's real laugh-a-minute material,
ain't it? You may be interested to know that the person
who reported this gagfest to us also started an email
campaign which resulted in at least one of the station's
sponsors pulling out - which just goes to show that
we really can make a difference.
Ailes - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Temper, temper! The FOX
chairman got a tad miffed last week when Media Whores
Online urged their visitors to flood him with emails.
Consequently, FOX received a mulititude of messages
trashing their correspondents' orgasmic reporting of
the slanderous White House vandalism non-story. One
of the complainants obviously struck a nerve, because
they received a personal reply from Roger Ailes himself.
In a light-hearted attempt to put forth his side of
the argument, Mr. Public Relations wrote: "You
never even saw the report. You are simply a robot reacting
to a 'hit advisory' from a left wing website. Get a
life, a job or a television set before making incorrect
and moronic criticism." Whoo! We insult, you decide!
Jaye - Last week: 9
Weeks on chart: 3 - The stench of conservative
idiocy wafting around David Jaye just gets worse each
week. The Michigan Republican, recently booted from
the State Senate for beating his girlfriend (repeatedly)
and driving drunk (repeatedly), had built a loyal following
of white racists and militia members with his rants
against minorities and welfare recipients. In this spirit
of conservative personal responsibility, Jaye has always
taken a hard line on the issue of government hand-outs.
So, what was the first thing he did after getting fired
from his $77,000-a-year Senate seat? He tried to go
on the dole, of course! Too bad for him that senators
can't collect unemployment benefits. According to the
Associated Press, Jaye said, "They told me legislators
are exempt from collecting unemployment, even though
I've been paying taxes almost 30 years, whether it be
as a paper boy or dishwasher for the Rams Horn or as
a guy trying to make a living selling homes." Gee, Dave,
your sob story is killin' me. What a harsh world we
live in, where a convicted domestic abuser/drunk driver
can't claim his piece of the government pie.
Weeks on chart: 1 - And
finally, the Free Republic website has made it onto
the list for the very first time, though not for want
of trying, we can assure you. They finally crossed the
line into pure, unadulterated idiocy last week after
Jenna Bush was cited for the second time in five weeks.
First the Freepers worked themselves into a tizzy trying
to decide which was more important - a liberal plot
to bring down Jenna or the fact that breaking the law
doesn't really matter, as long as it's a stupid law.
Then one kind soul decided that the best and most responsible
course of action would be to post the name, address
and phone number of Mia Lawrence, the Chuy's manager
who called the police when Jenna tried to use fake ID
to buy booze there last week. "Some might want
to share with Mia Lawrence... some thoughts," suggested
"Truth_Eagle." Despite the fact that Ms. Lawrence
was presumably just trying to protect Chuy's liquor
license (oh, wait, I forgot, she was personally planted
at Chuy's by Bill Clinton himself for the purpose
of destroying Jenna's glowing reputation) it's
certainly interesting to see that some people are perfectly
happy to advocate scare tactics and coercion through
intimidation. Funny how they all seem to live at Free
Republic. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List