The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 8)
Honor and Integrity Edition
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Last week the pardon investigation continued, and Dan Burton (1) finds
himself at the top of the heap of this week's idiots. It seems the man
absolutely will not rest until he's finished making a complete mockery
of himself.. Meanwhile George W. Bush (3) does a really bad job of pretending
that he doesn't care about the whole thing, and newcomer Lewis Libby (4)
accidentally throws a bucket of water over the Congressional attack dogs.
As usual, the Media (6) swallow the whole rancid burrito and puke it back
up for the public to shake their heads over. Meanwhile, when good parties
go bad the Secret Service (7) end up with egg on their faces.
Burton - He's back! We should "try to keep politics out
of this as much as possible," said Dan of his taxpayer-funded
exercise in political grandstanding last week. As it becomes clear
that finding quid pro quo in the Marc Rich case may prove impossible,
and even after admitting that "the president may not have been
involved with any illegal activity," Burton is now using his
own personal "smell test" in an attempt to uncover further
allegations and improprieties. Frankly we're suprised he can smell
anything at all amidst the stench of conservative hypocrisy and
foul odor of his own dirty laundry.
who think they can raise kids better than you can - My my, what
a week it's been for those champions of the American family. Just
when you thought they'd got all the answers to a happy family life,
their leaders drop a couple of dysfunctional bombshells. It would
appear that George W. Bush's attempt to protect his daughters by trying
to bury his DUI conviction failed after Jenna Bush was caught on camera
during a student binge-fest. We're glad to see that his campaign to
return honor and integrity to the White House is doing so well. And
step forward Christian Coalition member Dennis Hastert, whose son
was arrested for drunk driving last week. Don't worry though, Ethan
Hastert has got about another twenty years to go before this sort
of thing falls outside of Henry Hyde's definition of "youthful
W. Bush - As the pardon controversy continues, George W. Bush
says he wants to "move on". And while he also wants to "change
the tone" in Washington, last week CNN reported that at a recent
senior White House meeting one aide turned to the president and said,
'Should we do anything about this?' Bush reportedly said no, that
there was no pressure to shut down the hearings, at least for now,
and that in his view the Democrats were suffering from the Clinton
controversy a lot more than he might be. Don't worry though, once
the Dems start asking questions about his daddy's pardon of Caspar
Weinberger, look to GW to shut this puppy down pronto.
"Scooter" Libby - Who, pray tell, is Lewis "Scooter"
Libby, and why does he warrant the number four spot on the chart this
week? Well, Libby spent countless hours reviewing legal documents
and interviewing witnesses in a search for cracks in the government's
tax evasion indictment of Marc Rich. He spent two years traveling
around the world, met with Rich at least eight times in Switzerland,
and has received over $2 million for work on Rich's behalf. So how
come he suddenly can't make up his mind about his client's innocence?
Maybe it has something to do with his current job... as Dick Cheney's
Chief of Staff.
O'Reilly - O'Reilly's shtick is getting way too tiresome. He
claims he's not a partisan - he just tells it like it is. So we were
amused when our hero Al Franken busted him good last week. Turns out
O'Reilly has lied on several separate occasions about his former employer,
tabloid TV show "Inside Edition", winning a prestigious
Peabody award for excellence in journalism. Or was it two? O'Reilly
couldn't remember. And maybe that's because "Inside Edition"
has never won a Peabody award. Not even once. Looks like O'Reilly
sometimes just likes to tell it like it isn't.
Media - Although slipping from last week's number one spot, the
media are still on the chart this week after their treatment of George
W. Bush's speech to Congress. By heaping praise on his master plan
to bring the American economy to its knees, they have created a new
standard of idle journalism - if Bush can string a sentence together
without flubbing, then his speeches are a masterful success regardless
of the content. Thank heavens that the "style over substance"
attitude of today's media hasn't hoodwinked the general public, eh?
Secret Service - It would appear that the Secret Service have
acquired yet another new role under George W. Bush. Along with protecting
the president and busting down the doors of junior satirists (see
Idiots Week 6), they are also required to pick up underage alcoholics
from the local drunk tank. After the recent TCU booze-up, Jenna
Bush's "boyfriend" William Ashe Bridges (Nash to his friends)
was thrown in jail for public intoxication. Four hours later, Secret
Service agents showed up in a black Chevy Suburban, bailed him out,
and give him a ride home. Now this may seem an unusual way of spending
the public's tax dollars, but think about it - bearing in mind this
guy's connections, it's entirely possible that the Secret Service
were just protecting our future president! Nash Bridges in 2032!
Strong - Rick Strong (presumably this porn-starish pseudonym is
not his real name) is the owner of Flash Photography, a company hired
to take photos at TCU parties. Flash Photography posts pictures of
recent events on their website so students can order them easily,
but Mr. Strong declined to comment why a picture of Jenna Bush was
suddenly missing last Friday. The picture had been on the website
for several days. We called Rick Strong for an explanation, but his
secretary told us that he'd gone out with some strange men in dark
suits five hours ago and hadn't come back yet.
Ashcroft - Crawls in at number nine after saying of racial profiling:
"It's wrong, and we will end it in America." Guess it must have
been a different John Ashcroft who praised the Klan-loving magazine
"Southern Partisan". And it couldn't be the same John Ashcroft
who vetoed a bill that would have given the inner city black precincts
of St. Louis the same modern voting machines as used in the white
suburbs. Or the John Ashcroft who opposed the nomination of Justice
Ronnie White (c'mon John, the guy's last name is "White"
- how bad could he be?) No, fortunately this must be an entirely different
John Ashcroft altogether. Thank goodness.
Census Bureau - It was reported last week that the Census Bureau
has recommended against any adjustment in the 2000 census, even though
estimates indicate that more than three million Americans, primarily
minorities, were overlooked in Census 2000. Republicans have pushed
for this result because if will affect the redrawing of electoral
districts in their favor - for the next ten years. But why did the
Census Bureau decide not to use statistical sampling? One reason only:
they couldn't resolve the count in time to meet an April 1st deadline.
My, that sounds familiar. Where have we heard that before? And while
we understand that the Census Bureau aren't exactly a partisan organization,
the thought of fat GOP backslappers congratulating themselves yet
again for excluding millions of American citizens from the electoral
process makes us want to projectile vomit. Have a good week!
Other popular nominees this week: Tom Brokaw, Tim Russert (again),
Sean Hannity, Jeb Bush, Bob Barr, Chris Matthews, CNN. Dropping off
the list: John Derbyshire (2), Rush Limbaugh (3), Karl Rove (4), U.S.
Supreme Court (5), Lynne Cheney (7), New Hampshire Republican Party (10),
The Thurmond Family (9), Pat Robertson (10).
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