Democratic Underground

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 7)
February 26, 2001
Media Whores Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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We knew it was getting ridiculous when we heard that Roger Clinton had handed Bill some pardon suggestions which were duly ignored. Newsflash! Scandal! Okay, so the pardon story is news, and it's not going away any time soon, but the Media's rapacious appetite for destruction puts them firmly at the top of the chart this week. It was close though - John Derybshire (2) put up a good fight with his thorough trashing of Chelsea Clinton, and Karl Rove's petulance earned him a place at number four. Meanwhile George W. Bush (6) handled himself with aplomb at his first press conference, and Pat Robertson (10) suffered an unfortunate setback.

1 The Media - Yes, The Media takes a trip all the way to the top this week for clinging to the Clinton pardon story like a horny dachshund on your uncle's pantleg. Here's how it works: First they devote hour after hour of newstime to the story. Then, when the story starts to lose steam they devote hour after hour of newstime to stories about how they are devoting hour after hour of newstime to the story. Coming next week: CNN, MSNBC and Fox News merge and implode under the vast gravitational pull of their own self-importance. NEW! 1
2 John Derbyshire - "Brace yourself: I hate Chelsea Clinton" wrote Mr. Derbysmear in his National Review column last week. Oh really sir? Why so? Here's his ingenious reasoning - "She has not looted the White House, lied under oath, bombed an aspirin factory in Africa to get her personal legal problems off the front pages, raped anybody, used public employees to pimp for her, sold the Department of Defense to the Chinese Communist Party for cold cash, taken a fat bribe dressed up as a 'commodities trade,' or written a book arguing that parents cannot be trusted to raise their children. I note, however, that she doesn't deserve any credit for not having done these things; she just hasn't had time yet." Everyone else in the running for a Pullitzer this year may want to bow out now. Clearly the quality of this man's journalism is not to be trifled with. NEW! 1
3 Rush Limbaugh - Okay, take a deep breath before reading this one. In a promo for his radio show last week, Rush was heard to announce, "If you take away the black vote, Bush won by a landslide". Now slowly, get back in your chair and re-read that. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now spit. That's good. While we understand that he would prefer democracy if only white men were allowed to vote, what Mount Rushmo' fails to have realized is that in Florida they DID take away the black vote and Bush STILL lost. Whoops. Talent on loan from God? More like talent on loan from Gallagher. RETURN! 4
4 Karl Rove - Poor Karl earns fourth place for throwing a teeny-tiny tantrum last week. The administration's negotiations with senators over a Patients' Bill Of Rights fell through after the White House refused to let John McCain participate, even though he has been the leading Republican proponent of the legislation. Sources tell us that Rove, still smarting from GW's trouncing in the New Hampshire primary, said that if McCain was allowed in he would "hold his breath until he turned blue." When pressed further, Mr. Rove said that it was his ball and he was taking it home. RETURN! 2
5 U.S. Supreme Court - Remember how the Supreme Court last year embraced the equal protection clause to stop the vote counting and install their guy as president? Well, it turns out that they really were clutching at straws, and here's the proof - last week they ruled that states don't have to worry about the equal protection of the disabled, despite an Act of Congress that says they do. It seems that while everyone is equal, some have more equal protection than others. NEW! 1
6 George W. Bush - The nation held its collective breath last week as George prepared to answer this tough question from a BBC reporter: What will you tell Prime Minister Blair about the American attitude to a European rapid-reaction force? Clearly at a total loss, GW quickly came up with this extremely deft comeback: "Well, why don't we wait until after he and I visit... so I don't have to give the same answer twice." That showed 'em! 4 6

Lynne Cheney - Won't the real Lynne Cheney please stand up? The veep's wife went on the attack last week as Eminem was awarded three Grammys. Of his duet with Elton John, she offered, "That is particularly dismaying. Elton John has been so good in the past at speaking out on issues of equality for gay people, on issues of being against violent language against gay people. It really - I am quite amazed and dismayed that he would choose to perform with Eminem." We think Lynne's concern for gays is very commendable. Hey, remember when she bravely stood up in defense of her own daughter's homosexuality during the election campaign? No? That's because she didn't.

NEW! 1
8 New Hampshire Republican Party - One year after undeclared voters helped John McCain to an 18-point primary win, New Hampshire state GOP leaders last week endorsed a bill that would prohibit independents from choosing sides on primary election days. After all, they wouldn't want a farce like "democracy" getting in the way of their guy winning, would they? For yet another example of state level Republican leaders trying to fix an election, the New Hampshire Republican Party cruise into the number eight slot. NEW! 1
9 The Thurmond Family - While we would NEVER make fun of a senile old dude on his last legs, we feel it within the bounds of our ethics to take pot-shots at members of his immediate family. So this week two Thurmonds share the number nine position. First Strom's wife Nancy visited South Carolina Governor Jim Hodges to seek a deal that would allow her to finish her husband's term. She even brought with her a homemade videotape of Strom endorsing the idea, which we would pay good cash money to see. And secondly Strom Thurmond Jr., apparently a "hard worker who expects no special treatment", went to his father and asked to be nominated to the post of U.S. Attorney for South Carolina. The vultures are circling! NEW! 1
10 Pat Robertson - Poor, poor Pat Robertson. After working for years and years to turn America into a religious theocracy, and after seeing his dream come tantalizingly close to fruition with the announcement of funding for faith-based organizations, Pat has suffered the ultimate debasement - being forced to side with Democrats. Last week he discovered that - surprise! - Christian Fundamentalism isn't the only religion in America. Reverend Robertson backed away from Bush's plan after realizing that he would have to share his cash with Moonies, Hari Krishnas and Wiccans, to name but a few. Guess he'll have to go back to earning his money the old fashioned way - by suckering old ladies out of their Social Security checks. NEW! 1
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Other popular nominees this week: Tim Russert, Strom Thurmond, Jeb Bush, Dan Burton. Dropping off the list: Arnold Schwarzenegger (3), Dan Quayle (4), Dick Armey (7), Oliver North (8), Tom DeLay (9), Rush Limbaugh (10), The State of Virginia (11).

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