Democratic Underground

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 6)
February 19, 2001
Ship of Fools Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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There were almost too many idiots to go around this week, but don't worry, we managed to squeeze them in! The Lincoln Submarine was big news of course, as were the hearings into why the media couldn't have started sucking up to George W. Bush sooner on election night. Speaking of George W. Bush (4), the military started warming up for Gulf War II last week, and Dick Cheney (3) wanted to make damn sure he was in charge when it kicks off properly. Dan Burton (5) is still desperately trying to subpoena everything in sight, and the Secret Service (9) introduce their new "police state" policy...

1 John M. Hall - "Fat-Cat Bush Contributor Drives Nuclear Submarine Into Trawler Full Of Japanese Schoolchildren Just Off The Coast Of Hawaii." And the GOP thought the Lincoln Bedroom was bad! Let's just imagine for a moment what would have happened if this incident had occured a year ago. See Republican lawmakers fall over each other in the race to start an investigation! Hear Dan Burton blame Bill Clinton for personally murdering Japanese students! Smell Rush Limbaugh literally wet his pants live on air! Oh, how times have changed... NEW! 1
2 Billy Tauzin - The Louisiana congressman steals second place by desperately trying to assert that calling a state for Gore ten minutes early is more important than investigating Florida's voter fiasco. Why, that damned liberal media was trying to cheat Gore into the White House! What Billy seems to have failed to realize is that the media called Florida for Gore because THE EXIT POLLS WERE RIGHT. NEW! 1
3 Dick Cheney - Obviously being the real brains behind the Presidency has given Dick a bit of a head rush. Last week he decided that he should chair National Security Coucil meetings which decide major foreign policy and defense issues - normally the job of the National Security Advisor. Presumably GOP poster-child Condoleezza Rice would be expected to sit at the back of the meetings. 5 4
4 George W. Bush - Climbs two places this week for ordering the Department of Defense to review the practice of inviting civilians on military exercises. Phew, just in the nick of time! It's okay though - George's handlers managed to distract the media's attention by sneakily ordering airstrikes on Iraq while he was away on an official brown-nosing tour of Mexico. He later claimed to be "fully involved in the decision", although it was not immediately made clear whether he was talking about the airstrikes, or what he was having for lunch. 6 5
5 Dan Burton - Falls three, but still flying high after last week's announcement that he would subpoena the bank records of all contributors to the Clinton Presidential Library. It seems that Dauntless Dan will not rest until he's put the entire left wing of the United States of America behind bars. Go Dan! 2 2
6 Warren E. Barry - The Virginia senator last week abruptly withdrew a bill which would force students to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning or face suspension, complaining that it was being watered down by a committee of "spineless pinkos". The committee thought that compulsory state-enforced recitation of government-sponsored mantras may not necessarily jive with what makes this country "the land of the free". And they call themselves patriots? Those America-hating bastards. NEW! 1

Morgan Stanley - Speaking of spineless, Morgan Stanley's superhuman flip-flop over Bill Clinton's investment conference speech earns them the number seven spot. Last week, the Wall Street investment bank bowed to the pressure of a few Clinton-hating stockholders and ended up grovelling shamelessly, accidentally forgetting about the ridiculously vast sums of money that they and their investors had accrued under Bill's booming economy.

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8 Rudy Giuliani - A fresh face at number eight, Mayor Giuliani revved up yet another crusade for decency standards by threatening to take funding away from the Brooklyn Museum of Art. Hey Rudy, here's a decency standard for ya - stop boning your staff members! NEW! 1
9 The Secret Service - Last week the S.S. interrogated college senior Glenn Given after he wrote a "satirical editorial" in his school newspaper asking Jesus to "smite" George W. Bush. After Dubya's personal intimidation squad trashed his house, Given said: "They asked where I grew up, where I went to school, if I'd ever been convicted of a crime, if I take narcotics, if I'm on prescription medicine, if I'm part of any anarchist or dissident groups, if I have an unnatural fixation on public figures, and if I own or carry weapons." Since satire has obviously become a criminal offense, we at Democratic Underground are now wondering how long it'll take them to kick OUR door down... NEW! 1
10 - Newsmax last week announced that they were selling T-shirts which feature "the Map". And what, pray tell, is "the Map"? In the words of the email we received from Newsmax: "The map showed county by county how almost all of America - the heartland - had voted for George Bush in the last election. Small, isolated urban enclaves - colored in blue - had voted for Al Gore, but the blue was lost in a sea of red - most of the country, which had voted for George Bush." We'll leave it up to you to decide for yourselves whether or not this buttock-clenching theory is the most moronic excuse yet for legitimizing George W. Bush. NEW! 1
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Other popular nominees this week: Bill O'Reilly (yet again), Chris Matthews (again), Bob Barr (again), Tom DeLay, Arlen Specter. Dropping off the list: Arnold Schwarzenegger (3), Dan Quayle (4), Dick Armey (7), Oliver North (8), Tom DeLay (9), Rush Limbaugh (10), The State of Virginia (11).

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