Democratic Underground

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 5)
February 12, 2001
Glass Houses Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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Some new friends, some old faces this week as the conservative scandal-machine chugs slowly back to life. Arlen Specter rockets to the top spot with his outrageous call for Impeachment II. Dan Burton steals the second spot with his stellar performance as "the least credible man to be throwing stones at Bill Clinton." and Dan Quayle (4) makes his long-awaited debut on the chart. GWB is hanging in there at number six, while Ollie North (8) once again misses the whole point of Iran-Contra. And in a burst of generosity, we decide to give Rush Limbaugh (10) a much-needed injection of publicity after learning of his show's falling ratings. We're all rooting for ya, Rush!

1 Arlen Specter - The Pennsylvania senator told Fox News Sunday that the Marc Rich case opens the door to another impeachment against Bill Clinton, adding "I don't think that trial would take too long." So apparently impeaching a president once for no good reason is not enough for these people. Now they have to take away his pension, his office, and — get this — his Secret Service protection. NEW! 1
2 Dan Burton - Having failed to bring down Bill Clinton on charges of sexual misconduct, the obsessed Indiana congressman last week opened a probe to uncover alleged special favors in the Marc Rich case. Burton is an expert on sexual misconduct and special favors - his illegitimate son was once handed a fine, probation and community service after being caught in possession of 7.5 pounds of marijuana. It must have been for personal use! NEW! 1
3 Arnold Schwarzenegger - Oh, Arnold. Running for Governor of California? We know Ronnie Reagan is your hero, but chances are that even he wouldn't have made it into power if his best known acting role was "mass-murdering Austrian cyborg from the future." Still, now that the Republicans are back on top and skirt-chasing is politically correct again, you'll probably make a fine candidate. NEW! 1
4 Dan Quayle - After his zero-impact presidential campaign, the only Republican dumber than George W. Bush has decided that an ambassadorial position might be more his style. Dan shoots into four place this week after making noises about becoming ambassador to China, and we at Democratic Underground have already begun construction on our bomb shelter. NEW! 1
5 Dick Cheney - "Help is on the way!" claimed self-styled military savior Cheney at the Republican convention last year. After relentlessly attacking Bill Clinton's military spending, it was announced last week that aside from a small wage increase the 2002 defense budget will remain unchanged from the one proposed by... Bill Clinton. RETURN! 3
6 George W. Bush - After bending over for Dick on military spending, GW pushed ahead with his $1.6 trillion tax cut last week. Lands fifth place for dragging his campaign "tax families" onto the White House lawn and proclaiming, "We just can't drive on and hope for the best." Presumably that's not what he said moments before he was picked up for DUI. 4 4
7 Dick Armey - Speaking of tax cuts, the "Armey of One" is leading a charge to boost the already over-inflated $1.6 trillion tax cut into the stratosphere as part of a cunning plan to make the nation think that Bush's figure is reasonable. Start looking out for those "Republicans Generously Decide To Accept Bush's More Moderate Tax Plan" headlines... NEW! 1
8 Oliver North - Returns to the chart this week after another bout of uncontrollable hypocrisy, bashing Marc Rich on his TV show for selling oil illegally to foreign interests. Um, Ollie - you DO understand why you were in trouble over Iran-Contra, don't you? RETURN! 2
9 Tom DeLay - The Exterminator hops into the number nine spot for suggesting last week that Congress should impeach members of the Supreme Court who do not agree with him. Presumably the next time an election needs stealing, he wants to make sure it's done unanimously. RETURN! 4
10 Rush Limbaugh - Boring Rush continues to regale us with tales from the golf course as his ratings start to slide. It seems that Rush isn't so much fun to listen to when he stops lying about Democrats and starts lying about his golfing prowess. RETURN! 3
11 The State Of Virginia - Receives an honorary eleventh spot. By deciding to insult the decision-making skills of women everywhere, Virginia last week enacted legislation forcing a mandatory 24-hour waiting period on women seeking an abortion. Of course, they have a similar 24-hour waiting period on handgun purchases, right? Take a guess. NEW! 1
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Other popular nominees this week: Bill O'Reilly (again), Ari Fleischer, Bob Barr, Karen Hughes (aka Neil Bush), Chris Matthews. Dropping off the list: Orrin Hatch (1), Katherine Harris (2), Trent Lott (3), Fox News (5), Chris Matthews (6), Phil Gramm (7), Sean Hannity (8), Bob Barr (9), John Ashcroft (10).

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