Democratic Underground

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 4)
February 5, 2001
Goodbye Surplus Edition

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Lots of new entries this week as conservatives line up to be abused. Orrin Hatch grabs the number one spot with a truly impressive impression of Man With No Balls. Katherine Harris (2) returns with an obviously narcotics-fuelled idea to run for Congess. And Trent Lott (3) finally shows up after four weeks. Missed ya, Trent! Meanwhile GW (4) slips and slides, Fox News (5) attacks from the right, and Chris Matthews (6) gets a Republican-induced boner. Phil Gramm takes one for the team in the number seven slot. Sean Hannity (8) and Bob Barr (9) make their first appearances - and we doubt it will be their last - as John Ashcroft (10) heads off the chart. He'll be back.

1 Orrin Hatch - Senator Brown-nose greases his way to the top of the pole this week with his blatantly partisan defense of John Ashcroft. In a bowel-churning display of cowardice, tough-guy Hatch waits until after the vote is over to taunt that "Democrats didn't have the guts to filibuster". What a hero. NEW! 1
2 Katherine Harris - The Tallahassee Terror this week threatened to run for a U.S. House seat. Looks like all those Inaugural Ball martinis have gone to her head. Katherine, darling - just in case you forgot - EVERYONE HATES YOUR GUTS. RETURN! 3
3 Trent Lott - Sneakier than a one-eyed ferret, slippier than an eel in heat, he's HYPOCRISY MAN! Trent earns the number three spot due to his shock, absolute shock, at those partisan, partisan Democrats. Can't they just set aside their objections and get behind John Ashcroft for the good of the country? Oh the humanity. NEW! 1
4 George W. Bush - The Shrub turned bright red this week after nasty Democrats asked some tough questions about his Executive Order banning foreign family planning funding. Turned out he didn't actually know what it was that he'd signed. In a nauseating display of spin the White House rejected any suggestion the president was confused. Oh, and he turned red because he was holding his breath. 6 3
5 Fox News - They're not too conservative, everyone else is too liberal! Fox News brings you the same quality and class you can always expect from the network that brought you "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?" and "Temptation Island". NEW! 1
6 Chris Matthews - "Hardball" my ass. The only time Chris Matthews gets hard is when he's interviewing Ari Fleischer. NEW! 1
7 Phil Gramm - Having already bent over and introduced Bush's tax cut bill, Phil takes the number seven slot by positioning himself as GW's tax bitch. Goodbye surplus! Hello economic downturn! Anchors away! 5 2
8 Sean Hannity - Fox News commentator Hannity demolishes the hypocrisy meter by TWICE complimenting Rudolph Giuliani on his "character and integrity" this week. (Note to self: when Republicans cheat on their wives it's called character and integrity. Got that?) NEW! 1
9 Bob Barr - This week introduced legislation to legalize US-sanctioned assassinations. Wha? Has he just bought shares in Acme Exploding Cigars Inc. or something? This is a joke, right? NEW! 1
10 John Ashcroft - Sinking rapidly as the slap in the face which was "the Ashcroft nomination" begins to fade. Don't worry, we have a feeling he'll be back before long... 3 4
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Other popular nominees this week: The Ashcroft Eight, Bill O'Reilly, George Will, Ari Fleischer. Dropping off the list: Matt Drudge (1), Ari Fleischer (2), Ollie North (4), Jeb Bush (7), Tom DeLay (8), Dick Cheney (9), Rush Limbaugh (10).

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