The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 34)
September 3 , 2001
Batter Up Edition

As the end of the summer draws near, conservatives have been frantically jockeying for position on the chart. Last week was a particularly good week for right-wing idiocy, and we've handpicked the ten best examples for your enjoyment. Newcomer Michael D'Andre grabs the top spot with a remark so ridiculous it will possibly cause you to hang your head in despair. Those crazy Utah Republicans (2) are back with some more comedy xenophobia. And after months of trying to repair GW's shattered environmental image, Gale Norton (3) returns to the chart with a bang. Elsewhere we see Michigan's Mr. Corrupt, David Jaye (5), miserably failing to pull off his latest scam, and the Washington Times (7) are still blatantly shilling for the administration. Bringing up the rear are Bob Novak (9), who claims that Jesse Helms never even thought about racial issues, and Bob Stump (10), who seems to be living in the wrong district. Enjoy - and as always, don't forget the key.

Michael D'Andre
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - FARMINGVILLE, NEW YORK - and the messy battle over immigration continues. Locals are upset that Mexican day laborers are hanging around looking for work on Farmingville street corners, and the cloudy atmosphere almost led to the beating deaths of two Mexican immigrants last year. So at a recent public meeting to discuss this difficult topic, Suffolk County Legislator Michael D' Andre (R-naturally) decided to do his bit for Mexican-American relations by interrupting the first speaker and proclaiming: "If Smithtown was attacked tomorrow with the same thing, we'll be up in arms. We'll be out with baseball bats." D'Andre later apologized for his "off the cuff" comments, and said he was "talking figuratively." R-i-i-i-ght. Then, presumably forgetting that he'd just apologized, he added, "If you're going to be inundated with a bunch of illegal aliens beyond a reasonable number... What are you going to do, stand there?" Yes, it appears there is a new sport among Republicans - immigrant culling.

Utah Republicans
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - YEEHAW! Cue dueling banjos! After reluctantly allowing Dick Cheney to temporarily pry the guns from their, um, warm, still alive fingers (see Idiots 32), the Utah State GOP was back in fine form last week, passing an "American Sovereignty Resolution" against UN mandates at their state conference. It seems that Utah Republicans are becoming increasingly worried about the UN creating "world wide taxes," and a "global army" (which would, undoubtedly, sneak into their homes while they're sleeping and take their guns away.) So anyway, this new resolution ought to put a stop to THAT. Hear that UN? Don' t mess with the Utah GOP, or they'll truss you like a turkey and roger you senseless. Goldangit.

Gale Norton
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - It doesn't get more idiotic than this, folks. Despite desperate attempts to buff up Dubya's shit-stained environmental image, Gale Norton comically shot herself in the foot last week by announcing that the Fresno Municipal Sanitary Landfill is now officially a historic landmark. Yes, you heard right - a toxic waste site containing 79 million cubic yards of decomposing refuse is the Bush administration's latest idea of a good time. But hey, who needs the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge when you've got the Fresno Municipal Sanitary Landfill? Sadly, it's doubtful that we're going to see George photo-opping in front of our country's latest national landmark, although surely it would be a fitting sight - the Toxic Texan in the foreground, 145 acres of rotting crap in the background... sounds like a marriage made in heaven.

Virginia Republicans
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And if it doesn't get any more idiotic than Gale Norton, it doesn't get any more despicable than the Virginia GOP. If you thought you'd seen the last of divisive, bigoted election campaigns now that Jesse Helms is on his way out, you were sadly mistaken. Doing their best to appeal to your run-of-the-mill Virginian homophobe in the race for VA governor, the GOP have started to run anti-homosexual radio ads which attempt to tie Democratic front-runner Mark Warner into some kind of evil gay agenda ploy. The radio ad features a man and a woman, with the man saying of the Democratic candidates, "One of them wants to legalize gay marriage in Virginia." Responds the woman, "Gay marriage in Virginia?" The man replies, "Oh, you haven't heard the worst of it. Mark Warner opposed welfare reform and the abolition of parole for violent felons." Following up on this anti-gay theme, Warner's Republican rival, Mark L. Earley, has declared that he stands for "Virginia values, not Vermont values." And his prospective lieutenant governor, Jay Katzen, was recently quoted in a Richmond magazine saying that AIDS is a product of people choosing to be homosexuals. According to the Washington Post, "Gay rights organizations, including a group of gay men and lesbians who are Republicans, criticized the ads as distorted, divisive and irrelevant to the election." Yep, and the next thing you know it'll be the Republicans accusing the Democrats of saying anything to win. Grrrr.

David Jaye
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - "Re-elect Senator David Jaye!" That's what the posters would be saying if David Jaye hadn't been kicked out of the Michigan State Senate for gross misconduct (see Idiots 21). But what's this? Apparently Mr. Jaye is under the illusion that none of that ever happened, and kicked off his campaign last week by boldly declaring, um, "Reelect Senator David Jaye!" It turns out that there's a law against calling yourself a senator when you aren't. (Not to mention that pesky commandment against bearing false witness.) He's been informed by county prosecutor Carl Marlinga that if he doesn't cease and desist he could face a misdemeanor charge. Not that lawbreaking is anything new to "Senator" Jaye, of course, what with the drunk-driving and fiancee-beating and all that.

George W. Bush
Last week:10 Weeks on chart: 26 - Fresh from his agonizingly-spun Western White House "working" vacation, George W. Bush spent plenty of time last week telling reporters that he was "looking forward to getting back to work." Some say that the sound of hands slapping foreheads could be heard from five miles away.

The Washington Times
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Talk about propaganda masquerading as news (although in this case not particularly well disguised). The Washington Times's massive headline last Friday proclaimed "Markets take a dive despite tax-cut boost." Yes folks, the economy is taking a downturn despite that fabulous tax cut. The Times continued, "Stocks plummeted yesterday despite new evidence that President Bush's tax cuts are giving a powerful boost to disposable income and the economy." So where did this "new evidence" come from exactly? Why, a report by the Bush administration's Commerce Department, of course! So it must be true.

The Secret Service
NEW! Weeks on chart: 5 - There's a fella in Georgia who doesn't like George W. Bush very much. But unlike most people who don't care for the Chimp in Charge, Jesse Ethredge actually got a visit from the Secret Service. His crime? Bumper stickers on his truck which read "Don't U blame me. Thief - Liar - Two Faced Murderer Geo W. Bush. Hell with Bush and all damn Republicans." So why did Ethredge get a visit from the SS exactly? Did they want to correct his grammar? No, apparently you can't actually say what you think about the President anymore without the goon squad descending on your doorstep and hitting you up for background information. Conservatives will probably think that Ethredge got exactly what he deserved - after all, he said mean things about their hero - but perhaps they should be more concerned with the prospect of the government knocking on their door to let them know what they can and can't say... nah, of course they're not. As long as it doesn't happen to them, right?

Robert Novak
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Mr. Historical Revisionism was in fine form last week. In a brown-nosing op-ed in last Thursday's Washington Post he glossed over Jesse Helms's racist past and painted the doddering old git as someone who "couldn't have been nicer." For example, despite what you might have previously thought, "anybody who really knows Jesse Helms should acknowledge him as an amiable southern gentleman totally uninterested in racial politics." Yeah, c'mon everyone! Jesse was just a sweet old man, wouldn't hurt a fly! But wait a minute, I hear you cry, what about the infamous "Hands" ad? Ah, well, Bob's got a perfectly reasonable explanation for that: the ad was run by Helms's campaign, you see. "Helms himself would never engage in racial demagoguery," blusters Bob indignantly. Of course he wouldn't. So if he's not a racist, what's the real reason that liberals don't like Jesse Helms? According to Novak: "It is Helms's fierce anti-communism that has made him intolerable to the left." Good one, Bob! Ooh, that rotten Jesse Helms, fighting against our communist beliefs. Ha ha! For the real story on Jesse Helms, you might want to read this far less disingenuous op-ed instead.

Bob Stump
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - And finally: Arizona state laws say that voters may only cast ballots in areas where they have an "actual physical presence," ie. where they live. Sounds simple. But not if you're House Armed Services Committee Chairman Bob Stump, no sir. Stump admitted last week that - whoops - he never actually lived in the precinct where he has voted for the last 41 years. Obviously a small oversight there. Bob's voting address is listed as a farm he owns in the 3rd Congressional District (which he represents). But despite claiming that the farm is his legal residence (and despite the fact that his constituents might expect their member of Congress to live in the same district they do) Bob's resides 17 miles away in Phoenix, in another congressional district. Still it's understandable. Why live out on an old farm when you can just... cheat? See you next week!