The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 28)
July 23, 2001
Fair, Consistent and Evenhanded Edition

We had a few requests last week to bring back the "weeks on chart" count, and never let it be said that we at DU don't pay any attention to our readers! Even though it is a giant pain in the ass to try and figure out how many times everyone's been on. Ah well, the sacrifices we make for the sake of entertainment. Moving on, (sorry Ari, I mean moving on to the chart) we can see that this week's numero uno head honcho is GOP uber-cow Mademoiselle Katherine Harris (didn't know I could speak European didja?). Meanwhile, newcomers The Pentagon (2) throw their uranium-tipped hats into the vote-fraud ring, and Trent Lott (3) wigs out (literally and figuratively). Looking further down the chart we can see that George W. Bush (6 and 8) has scored a double whammy this week, and Bill O'Reilly (9) should probably go see a doctor about that nasty swelling of the head.

Katherine Harris
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 6 - We're surprised that Katherine Harris can even speak the words "fair," "consistent," and "evenhanded," without a lighting bolt blasting her into a pile of molten ashes, or her head exploding Scanners-style. Yet speak those words she did last week. And if you want to know just how fair Ms. Harris really is, check this new information out: 1) According to the New York Times she set up a GOP "war room" in her office during the recount process, and didn't appear at a single press conference without being thoroughly briefed by GOP strategists. 2) She pronounced throughout the recount that Al Gore was never once in the lead, despite her very own website telling a slightly different story. 3) She is as we speak witholding from reporters public information held on publicly-owned computers (although of course, she has absolutely nothing to hide). Harris made the "fairly, consistently and evenhandedly," comment in a statement from Buenos Aires, where she was on a "trade mission" (Ha ha! Read: taxpayer-funded vacation). She also suggested that the New York Times report fully exonerated her. Which goes to prove that she's not just a GOP whore, she's also a complete space cadet.

The Pentagon
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - The last time I checked, the Pentagon uses some of my non-partisan tax dollars for the purposes of buying bombs, planes, etc. National defense, you know. But apparently that's not the only thing the Pentagon gets up to when I'm not looking. The same New York Times article which accused Katherine Harris of being a partisan hag also pointed out that during the recount process, the GOP requested that the Pentagon provide them with the private e-mail addresses of military personnel. And wouldn't you know it, the Pentagon was more than happy to just hand 'em right over. "E-mail addresses? Why, of course! Hey, as long as you're not going to use them to get people to vote after election day, right? (wink)." Oh well, now that Donald Rumsfeld is running around closing military bases, you can bet that the Pentagon feels just dandy about its exceedingly unethical behavior.

Trent Lott
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 8 You can say one thing about Trent Lott - the guy's got balls (he keeps an extra set under his toupe). Turning to the delicate subject of Gary Condit on FOX News last week, Trent broke the needle off the hypocrisy meter by suggesting that "Infidelity is always unacceptable... If these allegations are true, obviously he should resign." Pardon me, but are you on crack, Senator? Perhaps you should suggest this novel idea to some of your conservative pals. Let's see, Newt Gingrich has already gone - he didn't resign because of his affair though, did he? Fortunately we still have Henry "youthful indiscretion" Hyde, Bob "whipped cream" Barr, Dan "illegitimate child" Burton, Rudy "staffer shagger" Giuliani and, of course, Tim "evolving relationship" Hutchinson (see below). Oh, but I forgot - it's not about the sex, it's about the dirty, dirty, Democrats.

Tim Hutchinson
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Senator Hutchinson was interviewed recently in the Arkansas Times and spoke out about his romance with a staffer which ended his marriage. Unfortunately, the self-proclaimed "born-again Christian" declined to reveal whether the romance began before or after the women stopped working for him, or, in fact, before he sought a divorce. The best he could do was to declare that the relationship was "evolving." Hmm. Presumably they were "just good friends." But never mind all that. The most important thing, in Hutchinson's own words, is that "we better not have to be saints or be perfect in order to talk about what's good for the country." Hello? Earth to Hutchinson? Well, I guess that's those conservative morals for you - "we better not have to actually do all the stuff that we insist other people do."

Dick Cheney
Last week: 5 Weeks on chart: 11 - We all know that Dick Cheney is a big fan of the power companies. But it turns out he's not so keen on paying his electricity bill. Last week it was revealed that Vice President Crashcart doesn't want to dip into his budget to pay his $186,000 bill - he wants the Navy to pay it instead. I suppose this would be funny if everyone else wasn't getting screwed by rising energy costs and a complete unwillingness on the part of the Bush administration to do anything about it. Funny though - I thought conservative doctrine dictated that everyone should pull themselves up by the bootstraps and pay their own way, not get handouts from other people. Hey Dick, here's an idea - how about we all send our electricity bills to the Navy? D'you think they'll pay up?

George W. Bush
Last week: 4 Weeks on chart: 20 - It seems that George W. Bush is so very popular with the public that his handlers had to, um, rent a crowd for him when he appeared at the Jefferson Memorial on July 2nd. A letter sent from a visiting Californian to the Washington Post last week revealed the extent of Bush's fear of "real people." Here's the letter in full: "On July 2, I was touring the Jefferson Memorial with family and friends. Then a policeman ordered everyone to leave. People objected, dawdled and asked why. He was forceful, even rude, and ordered us all out of the monument. We all stood around, cordoned off, to wait to see what was happening. Soon President and Mrs. Bush arrived by motorcade. Imagine our surprise when we saw television coverage of the event showing the Bushes shaking hands with "visitors" to the memorial. What visitors? We had been rudely ejected. The visitors must have arrived in the motorcade or been bused in around the other side of the building while the real visitors were rudely herded out. This is democracy?" Sorry, ma'am - democracy was herded outside and cordoned off last year. Didn't you hear?

Michael Bloomberg
Last week: 7 Weeks on chart: 4 - He can't stay away! Michael Blunderberg was back in the news last week with a double dose of idiocy. It appears that while he may be a successful businessman, he hasn't quite gotten his head around this whole "politics" thing yet. First of all, Blunderberg gave the media copies of his tax filings - in code. They weren't his actual tax returns - in the spaces where income and other financial data would normally be reported, his campaign team had insterted code letters to represent the amounts of money. So while Blunderberg has an estimated worth of around $5 billion, his gross income for the last four years was rather cryptically reported as "$500,000 or over." That's helpful! Next, Blunderberg decided to get his hands on some polling data by hiring researchers to conduct a "sidewalk survey." Take the results with a pinch of salt though - the researchers were handing $5 bills to anyone who took part in the survey. Ha ha!

George W. Bush (again)
Last week: 4 Weeks on chart: 20 - So, is he or isn't he? Last week, George W. Bush announced that he was prepared to give amnesty to an estimated 3 million illegal immigrants who are working in the United States. Whoops! Now for the back-pedal. Soon after the announcement was made, the White House declared that Bush was of course only considering the idea. So what are we to make of this? Obviously it's nothing more than a simple math problem. If you take away the number of racist isolationist votes from the number of immigrant votes, do you get a positive or negative number? Rest assured, the answer will decide Bush's immigration policy.

Bill O'Reilly
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - Heads up, comedy fans! How's this for a sense of humor: Bill O'Reilly was joking on The O'Reilly Factor last week that he is entirely responsible for gas prices coming down! Ha ha! Said the silly prankster himself, "I can't prove it, but I believe the intense pressure The Factor and other media outlets put on the oil and power companies caused them to stop restricting supply. Two weeks ago, a speaking engagement I had committed to was cancelled because Exxon was one of the sponsors and those guys don't like me." Hilarious! Man, this guy should do stand-up. What's that? You mean he was being serious? Oh... my... God...

John Duncan
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And finally, Rep. John Duncan (R-TN) turned a few heads last week with a rather unusual comment, according to the Sacramento Bee. Referring to environmentalists who are opposed to drilling in the ANWR, Duncan said, "It is amazing how they have distorted this issue almost worse than Nazi propaganda." Later, falling victim to a little short-term memory loss, Duncan said, "I didn't say or imply that anyone was a Nazi." Oh I'm sorry, I thought you implied that environmentalists are "almost worse" than Nazis. Strange isn't it - protecting one of the last great pristine wildlife areas in the country is now being equated to one of the most horrible periods in human history. Well, that's our conservative friends for you. See you next week!