Democratic Underground

In Your Right Mind
June 5, 2001
by Dr. Peter Short, PhD.

Let me begin by introducing myself to my new friends at My name is Dr. Peter Short, PhD. I am a clinical psychologist, specializing in the treatment of affluent, conservative politicians. All too often in our the society, we tend to cater to the needs of the common man, ignoring the needs of those who have sold their souls for power and position. It is, after all, these men and women who face the most overwhelming of ethical and emotional decisions.

Furthermore, these poor individuals are denied access to quality mental health care due to the social stigma over mental illness. My goal is to provide anonymous help to those in need. Having said that, let's to take a look at our first letter.

Dear Dr. Short,

I am a fifty-four-year-old president of the most powerful country in the world. I know that someone in my position should not be bothered with simple relationship problems, and yet, here I am, writing to you for help. I have this friend in the Senate, well, he used to be my friend, but he is not my friend no more. He is angry at me and I don't know why. I think it has something to do with a party I threw a month and a half ago, one that I forgot to invite him to. I don't know why he is so upset. It was a dull party anyway, and I'm sure he wouldn't have enjoyed himself. It wasn't my fault, it was a big misunderstanding, kinda like the ones they used to have on Three's Company.

Now my friend is cavorting with the wrong type of people. They don't like me, and I don't like them. I have tried everything I know to try to win my friend back; I've tried manipulation, intimidation, threats, smears -- nothing seems to work. It's not fair! I want my friend back! I want my Senator back! I want my Senate back! Please help me.

Downhearted in the White House,


Well George, you appear to be suffering from a condition known as "Senatorial Separation Anxiety." In my book, Why Senators Leave, I give two possibilities for the estrangement of political allies. The first would be that your friend has undergone personal changes. Yes, people change. They grow, learn, and think for themselves. There is nothing we can do when someone else decides to go their own direction. The second possible reason for your friend's defection could be that you, or his perception of you, has changed. Perhaps you are not the man he thought you were when you met. Maybe it has turned out that you are an asshole and he would rather not be associated with you or your misguided policies.

Judging from your letter, I can see that you have done everything that a good conservative would do to maintain a working relationship with your wayward friend. While such tactics as personal attacks and intimidation are effective tools in the preservation of relationships, they fall on deaf ears if they are perceived to be thinly veiled.

At any rate, I believe that this is a closed chapter in your life. It is time to move on, get over it, get on with your life. Bear in mind, you have many, many other friends in the Senate depending upon your guidance. I suggest that you focus your energies on straightening these alliances. You might do well by letting the friends you do have know how much you care about their ideological health. You must let them know how much loyalty means to you and how prepared you are to cut their political balls off in order to keep them from losing their way. You must unwaveringly remind them that you are the president and that they would do well to heed your every command, lest they be led astray.

Yours in Good Mental Health,

Dr. Peter Short, Ph.D.

View Doctor Short's Previous Cases

If you are an affluent conservative politician with a deeply embarrasing personal problem, please e-mail Dr. Short at Thank you.

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