Mubarak to Succeed Gates as Defense Secretary

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

(SATIRE from http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.com)

In a move that came as a surprise to virtually every Washington insider, President Obama tabbed newly deposed Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak to succeed Robert Gates when he steps down later this year as Defense Secretary. Mubarak, who according to a spokesman was attending to family matters this weekend, is expected to be formally introduced at a White House ceremony on Monday as the nominee to become the 23rd man to hold the office since it was established in 1947. If confirmed by the Senate, Mr. Mubarak would also become the first non-American despot to hold such a senior position in the United States government.

Initial reaction on Capitol Hill has been mixed, particularly within the ranks of the Republican Party.

House Speaker John Boehner, who reportedly expressed his support for the proposed move when briefed personally by the President during their lunch last Wednesday, told reporters, “I think Mr. Mubarak, once confirmed, will make a fine Defense Secretary. First of all, his familiarity with the Middle East is probably second to none — he knows the players, he knows the culture, and he has a firm grasp on the threats posed by those in the region who would seek to harm us. Secondly, what has been lost — in my mind — about recent events that have transpired in Egypt is the positive side of the role Mr. Mubarak played. Both the protesters, most of whom were under 30 years old, and the military conducted themselves in a most exemplary and peaceful manner. What that shows me about his 30 years in power is that Mr. Mubarak — perhaps more than any national leader in recent memory — really had his people whipped into shape. That’s why during the game of ‘Truth or Dare’ that ensued after about the third of fourth martini at our White House lunch, Eric Cantor, Kevin McCarthy and I forced the President to make the phone call which I believe probably hastened Mr. Mubarak’s departure from Cairo.”

But not all Republicans share Boehner’s point of view. Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl has vowed to do all within his power to block Mubarak’s confirmation by the Senate. “While Mr. Mubarak has been a trusted and valued ally of the United States during his 30 years in power, let’s not forget the man is a Muslim,” a visibly irate Kyl told the crowd he was addressing at a weekend rally in support of gun rights for convicted sex offenders. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the idea of having a Muslim Defense Secretary running the Pentagon while serving under a Muslim Commander-in-Chief. On top of that, Mr. Mubarak’s government, all along, has cooperated with our government’s ‘Extraordinary Rendition’ program — the same program under which we have sent prisoners offshore to countries where they can legally be tortured. I find it absolutely abhorrent, at this time in our history, that our government would find it acceptable to outsource torture overseas when there are plenty of qualified, unemployed American torturers who could be filling those positions.”

Sen. Kyl, who is regarded by his Senate colleagues as being the one in their Chamber whose length of name corresponds most closely with that of his penis, went on to add, “Besides, it would take an act of Congress — an act whose passage is not a foregone conclusion — to make Mr. Mubarak eligible to work in the United States by the time Sec. Gates steps aside. What we’re seeing here is yet another example of President Obama’s support for illegals entering our country and taking jobs from Americans.”

According to anonymous Pentagon official Newton Toomey, Mr. Mubarak, who reportedly traveled to the United States under military escort some time late Friday or early Saturday, was taking advantage of his new surroundings by spending “quality time” with his family. In particular, according to Toomey, the deposed strongman was most concerned with how recent events would impact his son Gamal. “Like any father who feels he may have let his child down, Mr. Mubarak wanted to be sure to keep at least one promise he made to his son. After failing to deliver on the country he promised him, he wanted to make sure that he made good on his commitment to take Gamal to the new Justin Bieber movie the first weekend it opened. In light of recent events, the movie title, “Never Say Never” may take on even more significance to the entire Mubarak household.”

[Angry Dragon]

1. whose length of name corresponds most closely with that of his penis

What more can be said about the man??.........

[kenny blankenship]

2. His name may be very short but he does throw it around a lot. That's got to count for something.

Leave the poor short man alone. There's bound to be an evolutionary reason behind a name that short- some advantage, somehow- I just can't think of what it is.

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

3. I don't know if it "counts" for something...

... as much as it "compensates" for something...