Dems and GOP to Also Mix at SOTU After-Party

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SATIRE from http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.com

After a week which has seen a flurry of activity on Capitol Hill in which members of Congress have scrambled to secure the most attractive and prestigious dates for Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, leaders of both parties announced on Monday that the celebration of bipartisanship would continue throughout the rest of the evening — namely extending to the traditional gathering which always follows the more formal festivities, or as it is known among Capitol insiders, “The Kegger”.

At a Monday night joint press conference, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell joined forces to emphasize that this year’s parties, normally held separately by senior members of both the Democrats and Republicans at cheap roadside motels in the DC area, would be combined into, “The Kegger to end all Keggers.” They also provided a word of warning to junior members of both houses regardless of affiliation, with McConnell saying, “So long as you’re cool, you’re welcome. I think you all know who you are, but just to clarify — if you show up tomorrow night with a freshman whose name is not Marco Rubio, don’t bother trying to get in.”

Ms. Pelosi further added, “Formal invitations shouldn’t be necessary — I think pretty much everybody’s clear on who sits at the best tables in the cafeteria and who hangs out with who, and where, during recesses.”

Mr. Rubio, the popular new freshman senator from Florida, has impressed many of his colleagues with his ability to reach across the aisle, dealing equally well with members of both the Republican and Tea parties. In what is regarded as a major coup, senior Florida Senator Bill Nelson landed Rubio as his date for the evening.

House Speaker John Boehner, addressing reporters outside a local tanning salon to deny an earlier report from the celebrity news website TMZ that he was bringing a female member of another country’s parliament (seen as a snub by those in his own House) as well as several published reports that he would be wearing a burnt orange tuxedo with matching face, reminded all members of Congress — particularly those of his own party — that, “this is a time to behave like adults.”

Capitol Police Chief Philip D. Morse issued a statement advising the public that there was no cause for alarm and that the Capitol Police, in conjunction with the DC Metro Police, routinely send out extra patrols every year during the spring graduation season and on the evening of the State of the Union Address, adding that threats to the public safety are very rare, and saying, “Usually the worst that we encounter is a Senator who must be escorted home — usually in tears — fearing they’ll never get the vomit stains out of their rented tuxedo.”