The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller (from his suicide letter)

[The Straight Story]

The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

Bill Zeller was a talented programmer whose work we've featured on Lifehacker. He took his own life on Sunday and left an explanation that I think it's important you read.

Zeller was a victim of sexual and psychological abuse. It's clear from his writing that the abuse left him unable to interface with the world in any way that didn't leave him feeling he was too sullied to have the same experiences that he thought others had. He had a self-described "darkness", which despite his prostration it's clear he handled more ably than perhaps he ever realized.

I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.

My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.

This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.

More at link:
http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller?skyline=true&s=i

[Delphinus]

1. I am so sorry

he could not speak about this with anyone.

Rest in sweet, light peace, Bill.

:cry:

[ret5hd]

2. That left me with an aching sadness.

[The Straight Story]

4. It was a surreal read, I wish he could have written it a long time ago and gotten help (nt)

[loudsue]

3. This is so horribly tragic.

A terrible loss, and it started so long ago.

[MilesColtrane]

5. Whoever broke him can't hurt him anymore.

Rest in peace my brother.

[mdmc]

6. Rest in Peace Brother

No pain no more..

[ProgressiveProfessor]

7. Duplicate

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=439&topic_id=127372&mesg_id=127372

[The Straight Story]

8. Thanks, did not see the earlier post (nt)

[The Straight Story]

9. kick for the night crew (nt)

[superduperfarleft]

10. The guy who posted that on gizmodo has a pretty horrible story himself.

If you google Joel Johnson, I'm sure you'll find it, but both this and Joel Johnson's post are very intense reads.

But for what it's worth, condolences to Bill Zeller's family and friends.

[Quantess]

11. Oh my god, that was the most tragic and painful thing I have read in weeks.

I read the whole thing. He does not name his molestor, but he does talk about how vile his parents are, especially his father. It's not hard to guess.

[mzmolly]

12. Wrenching. Interesting that he comes from a family full of fundie hate. One of them

raped a child and supposedly will be "saved" because they believe in Jesus vs. Buddha? Pathetic.

I wish this young man had tried to heal by putting his abuser in prison vs taking his life. :(

[girl gone mad]

13. Wish he could have found someone who was broken, too.

I didn't have any sexual abuse, but had a pretty rough early childhood. I also used to sabotage all of my relationships. Two things helped me. First, I found someone who had lived through worse so I felt it didn't matter as much if my 'darkness' rubbed off onto him. Also, I had a child, which made me less self absorbed.