I had a long-term, long distance relationship with a man once

[Horse with no Name]

It spanned the course of about 6 years.

We spoke on the phone daily and kept in close contact with emails.

We saw each other once a month--sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine, but usually used these weekends to travel and go to fun places. We both had custody of our kids, so it always had to be planned when the other parent was going to have them.

I had full access to this man.

The one thing that troubled my friends was that after the first couple of years, it seemed like I was always having to help him meet his expenses. He was always going to pay it back, but somehow that never happened and I was too blind and too stupid to realize what was going on.

I digress.

We decided to actually move to the same place. I started making preparations to go to where he lived.
I found a job, found a house that was suitable for all of us. I gave notice at a really good job that I had.

Then, at the last minute, he decided it might be best for him to move here. So, I "undid" everything and started mounting a search for him to find a job. It wasn't nearly as easy because his skill set wasn't in as big of a demand as mine was.

I found a larger house. I invested months into a search to help him find a job--pulling in every favor I could, I found him a good job.

A week before he was supposed to be here...I got a phone call from his brother, who I had met and had developed a pretty close relationship with.

His brother broke down and told me everything. He said he was tired of watching his brother hurt me. My "boyfriend" was married--and had been for a very long time. Not only that, he had no plans to leave his wife. He never intended on coming here and most certainly never intended on me going there.
It was all a deliberate lie.

Thinking back...there were signs. But, because I cared about him, I ignored those little voices in my head telling me something just wasn't right. We can always believe what we want to believe.

Was I angry? Oh yeah. I had given him thousands of dollars which part of it anyway went to his wife.
I was angry at the deception. I was angry at the TIME I had invested in this person--more than anything. During the course of the relationship, I had met several guys that I would have been happy with. I was angry at those missed opportunities.

But, more than anything, I was angry at myself. I should have known.

But I was NEVER angry at his wife--she was an innocent party in this mess. NEVER would I have gone to her and told her what he had done. There was no need to disrupt his family and his home because I needed to "get back at him".

I just turned and walked away.

Now--when I sit and think of John Edwards affair...and how Rielle Hunter knew who he was up front, that he was married up front and that he had a job that stood to lose EVERYTHING if he was caught up in this affair...I have to ask myself...WHY did they need to pay her off? It is a very interesting question indeed.

[dkf]

1. Looks to me like he is getting busted for being blackmailed.

$950,000 in upkeep over the primary season? Are you kidding me? Gold digger.

And your guy was a complete creep who needs to get his comeuppance. I don't know how people like that live with themselves.

[Horse with no Name]

5. I don't either

Luckily, time does heal most wounds and I am definitely over him. It has been a few years.

However, imagine my surprise when he tried to "friend" me on Facebook a few months ago...:spray:

It was nice to be able to deny and not give it a second thought.:)

[dkf]

11. Yup. Thank goodness you were able to detach emotionally and have a good perspective on it.

This sort of thing could really screw a person up.

[Horse with no Name]

17. Well to be perfectly honest

it took parts of me that I can't get back.

But, I guess that is debatable if that means I am screwed up or not,lol.

[mrcheerful]

2. Stop beating yourself up, the fault wasn't yours it was his for lying to you for 6 years

Hind sight is 20/20, but when your dealing with another human being you are trying to build trust so you over look things that later you see. It's just apart of human behavior, we all want to trust and it allows people to get close enough to hurt us. There are millions of people out there that will use that human flaw to their advantage to get what they want.

Edited to add, Edwards is a public figure he should have known from others that hush money never stops secrets from being outed. Just look at Ensign as a good example of what hush money does to public figures, though I admit Ensign amuses me.

[Horse with no Name]

7. Ensign amuses me too

Truly I expected better from Edwards--but in the end, I supported his message--even if I don't support the messenger anymore.

[dhpgetsit]

3. Our hearts can lead us astray.

We all know this, and yet we are surprised every time it happens.
But it seems some people just don't have hearts...
I would rather be the one with a heart.

[Horse with no Name]

18. I agree.

:hug:

[femrap]

4. Wow...what a

story. I wish his brother had contacted you earlier.

When a dude asks me for money, it's over. Even the 'I forgot my wallet at a restaurant' does it for me.

I'm so sorry you missed other opportunities....but I'd look at this as a lesson. I've had many of those. When a bit of doubt enters your mind/heart/gut, LISTEN to it.

[Horse with no Name]

19. Me too. But I think his brother really struggled with it

and I am guessing they had some disagreements over it.

But when he called and said..."sit down"...I honestly can't say that I was 100% surprised.

My gut is pretty smart--I'd serve myself well to listen to it more often,lol.

[seabeyond]

6. different perspective horsewithnoname

and thanks for your story. interesting.

if my husband behaved like that, i would hope to be told so that i tto could move on and have the opportunity of finding someone worthwhile.

it is a tough quandry. we have put it out on du in the past. would you tell a friend. would you want to know if it was your mate.

in the polls the majority did say they would want to know, and the majority said they would tell but not so much a majority.

then there are all those that wouldnt want to know.

i just go off what you say. the signs are there, if a person wants to see.

but interesting,

the edwards thing? creep. not impressed with either people

[Horse with no Name]

10. I know. It WAS a quandary.

If she were my friend, I'd probably tell her unless there was a good reason not to.

I talked to his brother about this in length. His brother said that he really did not love his wife--but no way in hell he would ever leave his kids. They meant everything to him. His brother also thought that he did love me. But, you just don't tell lies like this to the people that you love. You just don't.

They had been married for many years. Come to find out, they had gone bankrupt at the first part of our relationship (I had no idea). Apparently from medical bills.

Apparently, she was a very heavy woman and had some serious health issues which made her unable to work.

All in all, breaking up that marriage would have hurt her more than it would have helped me. I feel sorry for her because I believe he probably just found someone else and picked up where we left off.

I never gave him the chance to explain himself or offer excuses. What he did was terribly wrong.

[seabeyond]

13. all that being said

and i hear you

the way you dealt with it was admirable

pos dude, wink

[Solomon]

26. You were completely innocent. I had a friend who was knowingly

involved with a married man for years. The guy finally divorced his wife, but then promptly married another woman instead of my friend.

Needless to say it drove her nuts, triggered intermittent bouts of bipolar disorder, even to this very day. She was devastated and I can't say I feel sorry for her. She thought she was playing, but she got played.

[marions ghost]

8. Your story might help others

thanks for the telling. We've all made mistakes in trusting people too much. There is so much abuse of others in this country that many people don't think they're doing anything wrong by exploiting such relationships of trust. You and the wife were both used. Be glad you are rid of him. The brother sounds like a good guy--wish he'd spilled a little sooner...

In John's case, he thought he could have it both ways, but he chose a crass gold digger like Rielle. It's the Rielles who might make a guy like John think twice...

[The Backlash Cometh]

9. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Sometimes, the only thing we're in control of, is who we allow in to make us feel worse than we already do. Instead of beating up on yourself, direct that emotion at the guilty party. Someday, God and/or karma will give you a chance to get even.

[pacalo]

12. Very good OP. After reading about your heart-breaking experience, the point you made about

Edwards' affair is a good one. If she was thought to be a loose cannon or, worse, blackmailing him, was Edwards more afraid of losing his presidential bid or of having the affair exposed to Elizabeth? Without knowing the details, I believe it was a mixture of both.

In any case, the "lady" is sleazy. Why didn't she use her own money to get out of town & resettle?

I wish you the best & hope you forget about the past. It wasn't your fault you were decieved. :hug:

[WinkyDink]

14. "WHY did they need to pay her off?" CHILD SUPPORT.

[benlurkin]

15. A question

If his Brother hadn't called, if he would have shown up and told you everything, what would you have done?

[Horse with no Name]

16. The end result would have been the same

I might not have known some of the details...but I would have walked away.

I am a firm believer, if he did it to her, he'd do it to me.

No matter how much you think people will change, they just don't. It is always "what you see is what you get". What I saw was a man that cheated on his wife. Why would I want to be that person?

[marions ghost]

31. congratulations

people really don't change all that much.

[AngryAmish]

20. I lived with a man for a couple years...

[madamesilverspurs]

21. After two years

my guy used my phone to call a woman in another state. With me sitting right there, he asked her if she'd filed for divorce. While I was recovering from that shock, he asked her how the kids were. Kids???

He said he'd never told me because he knew how I felt about dating married men. He didn't understand why I didn't like having that decision taken from me. He thought I was over-reacting when I suggested that lying to me about wife and kids meant that he'd lie about anything. He left to get some boxes and came back to find his clothing scattered wherever it had landed in my yard.

The anger was sufficient to override the hurt in pretty short order. When he showed up at my front door a couple of months later to tell me he was involved with someone new and that I should stop carrying a torch for him (he really said that!) I was able to sincerely and with great feeling laugh in his face.

The closest I came to a gracious thought was hoping that his wife was able to find someone to treat her decently and be a good father to those children.

-

[closeupready]

22. Speaking from a similar experience of my own, don't blame yourself; sometimes, people ARE assholes.

And you don't discover that until years have gone by. Happened once to me, too.

I send you :hug: & :loveya: for sharing your story.

:hi:

[lumberjack_jeff]

23. The stories are not analagous.

In Edwards' case, she gave birth to the child of a tremendously wealthy person. The kid is a winner in the gene lottery.

That's why she didn't just turn and walk away.

[Horse with no Name]

28. My point was (and it is analagous)

is that she entered this relationship knowing up front what his "story" was.
She had an opportunity not to become involved with him--but did so anyway.
She became pregnant. Now, if she loved him--and knowing when she met him that her personal life was going to have secrets from the outset--why not just walk away or remain hidden?

My point is...this woman didn't love him. She used him probably as much as he used her.

There is probably a good case to be made that she did get pregnant on purpose to gain some of that wealth. It wouldn't be the first time someone has done that.

That being said...the only victims in that "love affair" are Elizabeth and all of the children that are now involved in it.

John and Rielle? They aren't victims. They just got caught up in their own mess..and both had their eyes wide open. Neither is deserving of sympathy, IMHO.

[marions ghost]

32. two Narcissists

using each other...neither was in it for the long term. I laugh when people suggest that they'll get married. The damage has been done. I'm sure he has many "choice" words for her. And she's workin it for all the payoffs possible so she pretends to have an adversarial position. Actually I don't think she cares about him one way or the other. He hates her IMO.

[Le Taz Hot]

24. Something similar happened to a friend of mine

but it wasn't a long-distance relationship. His "job" kept him on the road a lot and when he was in the area, he and my friend would see each other. It was a good cover since he always maintained his residence was about 200 miles from here. Anyway, the guy was a notorious bad driver plus, he had no qualms about getting behind the wheel after knocking back more than a few. He ended up getting into a solo vehicle accident that killed him. My friend, along with a couple of her sisters, go to attend the funeral and lo and behold, his CURRENT WIFE was there along with his 4 children. They quietly slipped out the back.

[Horse with no Name]

29. How horrible for your friend

After it was all over, I actually thought "what if" something like that happened. What a gut punch.:hug:

[Le Taz Hot]

30. Total pisser.

No chance to confront the sommabitch. To my knowledge, his wife never found out, thank the goddess.

[Maru Kitteh]

25. That man was putting your health at risk, JE was putting Elizabeth's health at risk too.

When a person engages in sexual activity with persons outside of a supposedly monogamous relationship, they run the risk of introducing disease to the unsuspecting partner who believes they are in a faithful partnership.

I'm sorry someone treated you as horribly as that man did. It's grotesque and simply unforgivable.

[malaise]

27. You didn't know but Rielle did - but

he was hiding the pregnancy/child from his wife. That is hardly a crime.
By the way I was never an Edwards fan - I always thought he was fake.

[marions ghost]

33. In many peoples books it would be a crime,

certainly more than a misdemeanor. Of course that's if you adhere to a higher sense of right and wrong than what is written in laws. What they did to Elizabeth constituted a grievous wrong to the spouse and family, not to mention to his supporters. So "hardly a crime"? Is wrecking a family and putting everyone under severe stress a crime? Not always, but it can rise to that level.

Edit to say--in the current political environment I DO agree that the Edwards charges amount to a witch hunt, the worst kind of scape-goating.