I just found out my older brother may have died

[freethought]

This is almost surreal. Periodically I will do searches on various sites (for example Peoplefinder.com or other such sites) trying
get an idea of my older brother's possible whereabouts. I then just put his full name into Google, and I was shocked to find, nearly at the top of the search results, an obituary posted online. The obituary was posted on a site called at Tributes.com.
The first thing I did was focus myself to carefully read the obit. The full name was correct, including the middle initial. The birthday was correct as well, June 29, 1958. The Date of death is listed as March 28, 2011. If this information is correct he has been gone for more than one month. Also the location was consistent with what little information I had on his whereabouts. Tributes.com listed his last known place of residence as Hampton, VA. I know he had been there for at least some period of time. My information also put him in a tiny town in rural Virginia called Nathalie. He would be 52 years old.

The website gets its listings from the Social Security Death Index (SSDI). I tried doing further searches hopefully trying to find an obituary that a newspaper may have put out but turned up zero. It's possible that the obit is inaccurate, and there's some kind of foul up somewhere. The information could also be correct and the fact that there have been no obituaries, other than the one found online, or even notice sent to any family members does not bode well for the circumstance in which he may have died.

My brother and I had been seriously estranged for the last 8 to 9 years. He contacted me twice in that time and in both instances what he had to say was truly foul. The last time we saw each other was in 2002 or 2003. In that time he did some truly foul deeds against me and our late father. In 2005 I was able to reach him by phone to inform him of our father's death and to make arrangements for him to get transportation so he could attend the funeral in Maine. Instead of boarding a bus at station in New Jersey, he wound up getting drunk and unruly. He then assaulted a woman, and gave two New Jersey police officers a very hard time. When his girlfriend at the time called me up to ask for money to bail him out I refused. I think he stayed behind bars for about 3-4 months. Our relationship was all downhill from there. One day, he made calls to myself and my two sisters, one right after the other saying that this would be the absolute last time we would hear from him ever again. He actually called me one more time some months later but he sounded incoherent. He was either seriously drunk or under the influence of something. One thing my sisters and I were afraid of was that he may have gotten hooked on serious drugs.

Nothing he ever did was beyond forgiveness. I also have to say that although I am saddened, I am not totally surprised that he may have met his end. He had gotten fouled up in some bad stuff. Now, all I have is questions and I don't have the slightest idea as to how start answering them. Was the date on the obituary that actual date of his death or just when it became official. Where did he die? Somehow I don't think it was in Hampton, VA but elsewhere. Hampton was just the last place he was officially known as living. What was the cause? Why is this obscure online listing the only word of his passing? Where are the remains?

My sisters and I are going do what digging we can. I think the best option would be to hire a P.I. but none of us have the cash to do that now. Where do you even start?

If anyone has any advise, I would sure like to hear it. I thank you in advance for your condolences.

[xchrom]

1. I have no advice - other then to say I'm very sorry for your difficulty. Nt

[bbinacan]

2. Go to the courthouse

where you think he lived or died. Search vital records for the death certificate.

[pnwmom]

20. I would call instead. And of lot of research can be done online. n/t

[mrmpa]

32. Call the courthouse, often there are courthouse researchers

who can help finding info. They're usually not as expensive as a PI. Also the State is who would hold the death certificate. You can request one since you are (possibly) a relative.

[pnwmom]

35. Good idea about requesting a death certificate.

If it is his brother, he should be able to get one.

[msanthrope]

37. See below, I think I found his burial site. The cemetery should be able to

help--at least give you some info as to where he was coming from.

I am sorry, please check your PM's.

[Mz Pip]

3. Maybe contact the police

or hospital or coroner in Nathalie would be a good place to start.

Sorry for your loss. It's difficult with so many things unresolved. Sounds like you did what you could. :hug:

[MissB]

4. Deaths are registered.

You may be able to check with the State's vital records division, especially if you can be considered next of kin. Google up the state and key words such as "vital records" "birth certificates" "death certificates" and give that office a call to see what sort of info they can release to you.

[Frances]

5. I don't have any advice

but I am sorry for your loss, whether your brother actually died or is just "lost."

[freethought]

47. At this point it definitely looks like "died" is the right choice n/t

[riderinthestorm]

6. I am so sorry for your loss freethought. I don't have any ideas but thought I'd kick it for you

Maybe try the local police station? See if there was a police report? (I cringe even thinking of that but it's the only thing that comes to mind).

:hug:

[bobbolink]

7. Family relationships can be so painful, and estrangements very hurtful.

I wish you well in untangling this, and in recovering from the grief.

:hug:

[Tx4obama]

8. Here's a link

Enter a name, birth date
and any other info you know
then click on 'submit'
p.s. Do not put in any wrong info otherwise it will eliminate some of the results.
Sometimes the less info you enter the better chance of finding a match.

http://ssdi.genealogy.rootsweb.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/ssdi.cgi

[Tx4obama]

11. p.s. On second thought, if it was a recent death it might not be in the data base yet. n/t

[freethought]

12. This worked! Thank You!

This confirms it. Apparently there is a death certificate somewhere. It also reveals that someone was acting in his behalf. Now, I just have to see what records I can obtain.

[riderinthestorm]

24. Yikes! so fast! I hope you can find some closure on this freethought. nt

[Motown_Johnny]

9. I know of someone with my exact same name and date of birth

but we never lived in the same state. The closest was when I was in school in New York and he was living in Connecticut.

I hate to say it but if the name and date of birth are correct, as well as the location, then the odds are it is your brother.



As far as your questions are concerned I would start by trying to obtain a death certificate. Or at least a copy of one. This should give you the correct date of his passing. From there I would try to contact the city or county that issued the certificate to try to obtain more information.


Good luck to you.

[struggle4progress]

10. Contact the local authorities. Do the police know about it? How about a local medical

examiner? Was there an autopsy? Did the obit mention a funeral home?

[freethought]

15. The obit mentioned no funeral home.

And an online search revealed none. It's entirely possible none was requested in any of the local papers.

[struggle4progress]

13. Virginia vital records

If he died in Virginia, there's almost certainly a death certificate

http://www.vdh.state.va.us/vital_records/
http://www.vdh.state.va.us/vital_records/primary.htm
http://www.vdh.state.va.us/vital_records/faq.htm

[firehorse]

14. for emotional relief, to feel validated, and to find others in your shoes

I was going to pm you this in private, but couldn't.

I'm estranged from my dry drunk mother, and I grew up estranged from my dads side of the family. Periodically I google these people too. Its bizarre to have to find out about family this way, as most people don't understand what its like to sometimes have to make the unfortunate decision to remove oneself from toxic family members.

The only place I have found relief, understanding and others going through the same exact scenario is in 12 step rooms like alanon and ACOA. There are even some online recovery websites. I've tried therapy, and it was helpful, but only in alanon rooms are there about 15 other people who have experienced the same estrangement, which is common in families with drug and alcohol abuse at its center.


Good luck,

f

[freethought]

23. There was a time when I absolutely

idolized my older brother. He joined the army and became a U.S. Army Ranger. He had a knack for mechanics, something I have never had. One of his ambitions was to restore and soup up a muscle car. The early to late 70s Chevy Camaros were his favorites.
My idol worship of him began to fade when I was in college back in the mid to late 1980s. It was downhill from then on.

[TheOther95Percent]

56. Excellent Suggestion

I have found comfort and validation with people in my ACOA group who understand my estrangement from my dry drunk dad.

[TheOther95Percent]

57. Also try Unclaimed Property

It won't give you any particulars surrounding your brother's passing. However,if he left any assets and died without specifying where these assets should go, the state usually gets them.

https://www.trs.virginia.gov/propertysearchdotnet/

[lillypaddle]

16. Wow, tough, all the way around

my heart goes out to you. I don't have any advice other than to say, take care, don't blame yourself for anything, & good luck. :hug:

[KT2000]

17. It may help to start

with the counties where Hampton and Nathalie are located and then to the state.

I am sorry for your loss and I have always believed that things are worked out even after the other person dies. I just do not believe that the spirit lives on with a grudge or anger but rather has clarity that may have lacked in life. Then comes forgiveness for all concerned.
I wish you peace.

[Warpy]

18. If you've got a place of death in that obit, start with the local police

because anyone who has gone that far down the drug and alcohol road generally is well known to local police. If not, start at his last known place, Hampton VA, again with the local cops. A trip there is not out of the question if you really want to track down what happened to him.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's often the ones that are full of "what ifs" that are toughest to take.

[Liberty Belle]

19. Try the county medical examiner or coroner.

Also the County Dept. of Public records for the death notice. It may list a funeral home or other useful info as well as cause of death and place.

Google without the middle name or initial; an obit may have run without that info. Try full name and nickname if any.

Check with SSI to see what their source of info was.

You can get a list of local funeral homes and call until you find out which one handled the body.

Do you know where he was last employed? Someone there may know what happened.

Is there an address on the death certificate? If so a neighbor, roommate or landlord could have details.

If he died in a police action, there would be a police (or sheriff) report.

You could contact the local newspaper's news dept and see if they can help.

[Kahuna]

21. You can probably get a death certificate that may give you more

details. I'm sorry for your loss.

[WinkyDink]

22. {{{freethought}}} I'm so sorry you found out such a way. I wish I could help with info.

My Aunt's Common-Law husband was hospitalized, died, and buried by his adult children, and she has no idea where he rests.
Same with her (and my mother's) brother, only that time it was his wife who kept the details secret.

People are hard to figure, sometimes.

Maybe you could start with that website's Webmaster to find out how your brother's notice got posted.

[malaise]

25. Too sad

Deepest sympathy - strangely these are the deaths that hurt the most. :grouphug:

[chowder66]

26. Information about SSDI and step to take....

The SSDI shows the state where the Social Security Administration sent the initial social security card, and the last state on file for, eg, Social Security payments. These are often -- but not always -- the same as the place of birth and death for the person.

You might try contacting the SS Admin to see if you can find out who reported the death first. Then maybe that will lead you to your next contact.

[IScreamSundays]

55. This is true

They will tell you the county of his death and then you can find search for the death certificate. Good luck.

[bemildred]

27. Contact the county clerk/records office for the place where you think he died.

You should not need a P. I. Unless he left a wife/offspring, you are his nearest kin. There has to be an official death certificate. Somebody needs to look into handling his estate, if he leaves an estate.

[boston bean]

28. try legacy.com you might be able to find other obits... nt

[Chris_Texas]

29. Sorry. Now forget about him.

I mean that with nothing but respect. You do not owe anyone, other than your own children, anything that they have not EARNED. If the guy was a dick and you had no relationship anyway then blow it off. His adult life brought you no joy, lets his death bring no horror or remorse.

[freethought]

44. Good advice, thank you!

My sisters and I were not exactly surprised. For a man in his late forties/early fifties to be hooked on heavy drugs just made it a matter of time I suppose. But my sisters and I are going to try to find out the details.

[kestrel91316]

30. PM me with his name and details and I will search online in my genealogy sources.

I subscribe to ancestry.com.

[freethought]

45. Thank you but there's no need.

A few here have already filled some of the blank spaces. I appreciate the offer however.

[Liberal_in_LA]

31. wow. Sorry for your loss

[calimary]

33. My sympathies. I'm sorry to hear this, but sorrier still for the agony you endured while he was

alive, as well.

The suggestions offered by people here are good ones. They ought to help. DUers are really wonderful!

You have all our condolences as you sort through all this.

:grouphug: :patriot: :grouphug:

[Drew Richards]

34. some things you can do

1. you can email tributes.com to see what information they can verify for you on the phone. There may be many more details that they did not post.

[email protected]

2. look up the phone/email address for the courthouses in Hampton http://www.hampton.gov/va_courts.html

3. Look up phone/email for nathalie/halifax I could not find a number or address from a quick search but found nathalie is in halifax county and here is the link to their information site...an email to them should get you to the clerk of records. http://www.gohalifaxva.com/index.php?option=com_sobi2&catid=4&Itemid=100010

4. Contact sheriff offices in hampton http://www.bing.com/local/us/va/hampton/?what=sheriff%27s+office&q=sheriffs+office+Hampton%2c+Virginia&mkt=en-us&FORM=LLSV

multiple sheriff offices listed

5. Contact sheriff offices in nathalie http://www.bing.com/local/us/va/nathalie/?what=sheriff%27s+office&q=sheriffs+office+Nathalie%2c+Virginia&mkt=en-us&FORM=LLSV

two sheriff offices listed

This should get you started you may have to fax them proof of who you are as in a photo ID but other than going to these locations or paying someone else to go there, this is the best I can do for you.

Luck to you.

Drew.

[msanthrope]

36. I found out where he is buried. Please check your PMs---

Edited to add..I am very sorry, and I hope you are proud of his service. I think if you call that cemetery, they will be able to help you secure a death certificate, or at least give you some information.

[roody]

38. Alcohol is a serious drug. Sorry to hear of his demise.

[Joe the Revelator]

39. I'm actually sitting in Hampton....

Let me know what I can do.

[freethought]

43. Thank you but there's no need.

I do believe I have found the grave site. He's buried in Quantico. I'll try to get there when I can.

[ohheckyeah]

46. Check the newspapers

for the Hampton area for a week after the date he died. They may have a small article with some details. The VA Pilot is probably a good place to start: http://pilotonline.com/

[Zorra]

40. I had something very similar happen with an older brother.

We gave up on trying to find out the details.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[freethought]

42. To a point so did we

After his phone calls we truly never expected to hear from him again. It was total fluke that I came across the obit online. My sisters and I could have gone on for years without knowing anything.

[mmonk]

41. Good luck and my condolences.

Check county records.

[freethought]

48. THANK YOU TO ALL!!!

For kind words and for ways of finding information. Like I said, my brother and I were pretty seriously estranged. My sisters and I were willing to keep the door open should he one day decide to return to the family fold, but I guess he thought otherwise.
In due time we'll try to put together a picture of what his last days were like. This will take time however and life does go on.
Again, THANK YOU TO ALL DUERS WHO POSTED TO THIS THREAD. YOUR WORDS AND ADVICE ARE WELCOMED!

[kimi]

49. Ah, my deepest condolences

Not just for the loss of your brother, but for the loss of what could have been. I've been seriously estranged from my father for decades, found out recently that he is very ill and it's just a matter of time for him. I posted about it here, and DU folks were so very supportive and understanding. It warmed my heart and assuaged a lot of guilt that I had, trying to make sense of wanting to deal with toxicity in my past life.

Peace to you and yours, really. Whatever happened with your brother, he is - IMO - at peace now himself. Take care of yourself and find your answers, but - and not that I think you will - try not to take any responsibility for what happened to him in his life. When we face toxic relationships, it can be self-preservation to just deal with it by shutting the door on those things. That may sound harsh to some, but in the end, we have to think of what we can deal with personally. Hugs.

[barbtries]

50. i'm sorry about your brother

i would start with the police in the small town you mention. this is very sad, but my impression from the information you gave is that the police in a small town would be familiar with your brother. you don't have the money for a PI but you surely have a telephone, and i think you can learn a lot that way. please keep us posted. also, coroners, perhaps even the SS administration can help you obtain a death certificate. best of luck to you.

this is just ironic. i was googling an old boyfriend the other day - the only old boyfriend i could think of whose name was unique. i found out he died in 1989. he would have been quite young.

[Raine]

51. I'm so sorry for your loss

in reality you lost your brother long before he died. Try and forget the man that he ended up being, remember him as he was when he was young and you looked up to him. :hug:

[Festivito]

52. You tried. He knew that. /nt

[SlicerDicer-]

53. All I can say is if you find him and talk to him act like it never happend.

This is the best way to behave and it creates less tension. Rehashing the past you may as well not even bother talking.. If he wants to tell you about things then let him but do not respond with anger or anything just a simple OK will let them know it does not matter what was done in the past. Moving on is the important part...

This is my experience anyway.

[SlicerDicer-]

54. I should have read the rest.

Well I can say for all the past differences of me and my family I am glad that I have gotten in touch with many of them.. The thing that is horrible for me is that I can never ask my mom things I wanted as she is no longer around.. I would much rather repair and be happy not rehash the bad if they are willing. Generally most humans are decent... And once you start bringing up the old crap it restirs the emotions and causes problems thats my experience.

Best hopes for blood being thicker than water..