The OP I never wanted to write... - Democratic Underground

pinboy3niner

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Wed Oct-06-10 12:25 AM
Original message

The OP I never wanted to write...

Edited on Wed Oct-06-10 12:36 AM by pinboy3niner

My little brother died suddenly last Wednesday.

At first, I told no one. It's not uncommon to have threads here about personal loss, but I balked at doing that. After a few days, I mentioned it in a couple of posts in threads started by friends here.

But mostly, I've been suppressing it. As a Vietnam vet, I learned to be very good at that after the war. I'd lost more than 60 friends in VN, and the guilt and grief were too overwhelming to be able to deal with for a lot of years. For me, the psychological effects of my war experience were profound.

I've processed my VN shit--more than once. And I'm probably not done processing it. But I'm still not very good at dealing with loss and grief. I'm trying now to tell a few friends. And I tell them, "Don't worry about me. I have a lot of friends, including many vets who know trauma intimately, who are my support group. And my best friend is the PTSD counselor at our new Vet Center."

Still, I'M a little worried about me...

My brother, Jim, served with me in VN. He was a personnel clerk at Division HQ in the rear while I was an Infantry platoon leader in the field. We didn't talk about VN for 16 years, until I had a sudden catharsis and opened up for the first time.

When I was wounded, they pulled Jim off bunker guard on the base perimeter to read him the Army's telegram. Then they jeeped him down the road to the evac hospital to see me, though I was unconscious. I was awake when he came to see me again the next day, though I couldn't talk because I'd been trached.

It took a long time before Jim was able to visit the Vietnam Veterans' Memorial in D.C. Even then he was self-effacing, saying, "I was only a personel clerk in the rear." Until a friend of mine bought him a VN vet cap, and we put the Screaming Eagle insignia on it--and you could see the transformation in Jim's face.

How can I memorialize my brother? The best I have is a routine e-mail he sent me, with a photo of him with his friends, doing something he loved--something he was doing when he died. Before the angioplasty, he couldn't ride his bike, but he got it ready so he could ride afterward.

This is one e-mail he sent me after his angioplasty, when he began riding again, with the accompanying photo:

Hi <pinboy3niner and older brother>

... I did the Solvang "Half Century" (50 miles). Next year we'll
do the Century ride (for a charity-- it's not a race). There were 4,600
cyclists this year, between the two.

Group photo (L-R): Me (58); Ken (42); John (62); and Sonny (59). John’s the
strongest rider, then Sonny (believe it or not), I’m right behind Sonny. Ken,
at age 42, is the weakest. but he started riding again after I did in Feb.—and
injured his knees on our 35-mile Buellton ride last month (too much too soon).
Note my new San Diego State Jersey.

I spent most of the ride chasing John. Sonny pulled a muscle early, so he and
Ken (2 flat tires along the way) finished about an hour behind us. The cold
front came through Lompoc earlier in the morning, so we had a strong headwind
all the way to Lompoc. Then we had a crosswind from the North from Lompoc back
to Solvang, with only 5-6 miles of the more normal tailwind from the West. I
hit 41.3 MPH down the hill nearest Buellton, and averaged 12.3 MPH pedaling time
overall (4:09, not counting stops). No threat to the pros, but not a bad
average for a "novice". The Firestone Pale Ale tasted real good ($4.00/cup).
I pedaled past several well-dressed guys as they walked their expensive bikes up
a tough hill (priceless!).

Side note: I learned that John is a retired AF protocol officer, and was Chief
of Protocol at Vandenberg in '82-83. I asked him if he remembered arranging a
helicopter base tour for a NASA big-wig. John and I met then, but he remembered
that they had to drop me off after the tour so I could drive the car down to
SLC-6 to pick up Ralph and the NASA Labor Advisor! Small world. John retired,
then served as the Catholic Chaplain at the prison for 15 years. (He "retired"
from that 5 years ago, but works at Home Depot 3 days a week.) I think John is
a little unclear on the concept of retirement.

Sonny and I will ride about 12-13 miles tonight to get the kinks out.

Jim

My brother, Jim, on the left, with his friends.