Do you know if your husband is gay?

[dsc]

That is going to be the topic of Wednesday's Good Morning America. I feel sorry for Dana McGreevey, I really do. But could they be any more lurid? Give me a break. You deny us the right to marry and now you try to scare American women that they are married to gay men. Shame.

[mancandy]

1. Hear, hear, dsc!!!

What makes me even sicker are these programs that air shows about how gay people are just like "you and me". Well duh, of course we are!!!

[dsc]

3. I know it is like they expect us to have three heads or something

[PSPS]

2. It's sweeps week -- prepare for the worst of the worst

[WCGreen]

38. Swweps month....

It's gonna get worse as the month goes forward...

[Horse with no Name]

4. *I* think that a case like this underscores the need

for acceptance. IF being gay were accepted and recognized in this society, there would be no need for deception. No need to "try to be normal". It would be nice for people to just live and let live and let others be happy to be who they really are and not who society expects for us to be.

[Critters2]

26. zackly!! Conformity creates more problems that it can ever solve! nt

[deadmessengers]

5. a lot of them are

I know at least 2 people in my family who got divorced after their spouse "came out". My poor cousin found out after her husband was arrested for public indecency in a bathroom only 3 weeks after their wedding.

I remember wondering at the time WTF was going through his head that would make him get married and ruin my cousin's life like that. I mean, if he knew he liked guys, why in the world would he marry a woman? Later, I kind of "figured it out", that the societal pressure to be heterosexual and marry, and have a "normal" family was just too much, and it put him in the situation he ended up in. It was a sad tale all around.

[dsc]

8. that would be dreadful

your poor cousin.

[Deja Q]

11. Just like my ex...

And he was a fundie. The pain he put his wife through, his children through, and eventually going back to her... painful all around. He still loved her, that much was obvious. I saw it all firsthand (except the two of them going at it, of course) and it literally was awful to see. :(

I now have a context in which to understand the complexities of this life. Some people spend with credit cards because they want everything, but the cost of doing so hurts them far more. In real life, that's not possible - sometimes choices have to be made. He should have kept his original choice and not applying for the proverbial mastercard that convinced him to wreck his family; the same way I need to stick to a budget and not use credit cards again.

[Arkansas Granny]

13. I've had several gay and lesbian friends who tried heterosexual

marriage before they were able to accept themselves for being who they were. They certainly weren't trying to hurt anyone and they had genuine affection for their spouses. I believe, like you, that societal pressure was mostly to blame.

[Madspirit]

6. K&R my friend...n/t

[sam sarrha]

7. well if i had a husband... i guess we would both be gay...

[Deja Q]

9. Sad, I'll agree.

Or what the point of it is... Just so long as hubby isn't cheating on his wife with other men... or other women... or even with a flock of sheep. Vows are there for a reason and I can't fathom why people wish to hurt those they made vows with in such a cowardly manner. Vows or not, why people do some of the things they do is beyond me...

Single people can do what they want, as long as they don't hurt others and some bastards out there have no qualms spreading diseases - and that's common amongst any orientation, end of argument. Can you blame anybody who wants to prop up abstinence, with the numbers of people with these horrific diseases? Condoms aren't a panacea.

There's also a difference between 'marriage' and 'civil union'. One is sanctioned by a government that remains unfettered by any religious bias. The other is a religious doctrine, which conversely should remain unfettered from external influences. I would say let the religious have their thing and get the government to be impartial. IMHO.

It's not often I get into "Libertarian mode"(tm), but it's the only way I can put it.


---
I've also tried hard to keep the issues unfettered by my personal experiences. Which is still surprisingly easy to do. Well, partly, as I'd re-written this response twice to prevent myself from straying from the core points into tangents, which also transcend ANY sexual orientation but that's not the point...

And as much as I long to, and even make jokes, the fact is I won't have sex unless the circumstances are proven. I can't trust people in this "society", and I will not let their cruelty kill me or embarrass me with some awful illness that nobody should have to have in the first place. If the majority of people can't be bothered with basic civility, I'd rather spare myself certain agonies. Let them have it. Other things in life compensate and I'm glad they do.

And I apologize for those whose lives were ruined by the actions of their significant other who felt they had to get some frivolous jollies and in return not only got a disease, but spread it to the person they claimed to love. That's not love. That's murder. Of the corporeal form and of the soul.

[dsc]

10. I am not trying to excuse cheating spouses

but I don't think the percentage is that high of gay men marrying women.

[Deja Q]

12. Agreed. Point taken.

The number is quite few, I do agree... Still, the media will put up anything for ratings. And that in of itself is another failing of our goofy little society.

[kiahzero]

14. There was actually a Savage Love column on the topic this week.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=207067

My wife of 5 years, mate of 11, and mother of our two kids has dropped a bomb on me.

About eight years ago, shortly after our first child, she had a couple of experiences with another woman. Being young and ignorant, I thought it was cool—until I found a letter that she wrote telling this woman she missed her. I confronted her, and we chalked it up to excitement about the "experiment." Fast-forward to a year ago. She met a new "friend" and my wife suggested that the three of us have sex. I agreed. It was great; it even improved our sex life. Eventually, our new "friend" found a boyfriend and everything ended.

Then, two months after our threesome experiences, my wife dropped the bomb: She believes she's a lesbian, she's been attracted to women since she was a teenager, she thinks of women when we have sex, and she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.

So my question, Dan, is this: I'm hoping that she will tell me that it's a phase. I'm hoping that she will experiment with being a lesbian and realize that she wants me back. I'm trying to hold on to something because this is just surreal. I'm in shock. What the fuck am I gonna do? I have no one else to go to. Help me. I'm falling apart. No witty acronym. Just sign me...
FUCKED

"The writer is in shock," says Amity Pierce Buxton, "like most men and women whose wives or husbands announce they are gay." Buxton is the author of The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families and the executive director of the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), an organization that provides support, info, and resources to guys like you, FUCKED.

So is there hope for your marriage? Honestly, FUCKED, Buxton doesn't sound too encouraging: "With shock often comes denial and wishful thinking that the marriage can last," says Buxton. "In reality, most do not last. About a third of couples break up immediately after disclosure; another third stay together to sort things out for a year or two and then separate. The remaining third work jointly to make their marriages work, and, of these, half are still together after three years." But your case sounds particularly unlikely to land in that final category. "In this man's case, his wife sees herself as a lesbian, doesn't want to have sex with him, and doesn't want to have sex with any man." Which doesn't leave you a lot of options.

So, what should you do?

"Take some time to sort out what he wants, needs, and values so that he can communicate them honestly and calmly," says Buxton. "In turn, his wife needs to do the same honest sharing. Honest communication like this helps couples work out a resolution that does not turn their relationship into one of lasting hostility. It's a process that takes time, time, time."

Buxton estimates that two million straight Americans are in "mixed-orientation marriages"—hey there, Mrs. Haggard!—and while married men and women who come out as gay don't have it easy—hey there, Rev. Haggard!—they do have access to certain resources and a community. The straight spouses they leave behind—or don't, in Mrs. Haggard's case—often have it harder. SSN can hook you up with others who have gone through the same crap you're now facing. You can get information about groups and online support at SSN's website: www.straightspouse.org.

...

[Clark2008]

20. Notice it was just fine when HE was in on it... but now, not so

much.

:eyes:

I'm sorry, but that person sounded more selfish than he accused his wife of being.

[kiahzero]

21. How do you figure?

When he was in on it, his wife was still interested in him. Now she's not.

Further, he's not even accusing his wife of being selfish. He's just looking for advice on what to do.

[Madspirit]

30. Nah...not selfish

...just dumb as a rock...<g> I mean ya know...if your spouse CONTINUES to come up with reasons to have lesbian sex....well now...yup...dumb as a rock.
Lee

[Tatiana]

15. Ratings gimmick.

Of course, Oprah did do a (tasteful, in my opinion) show on spouses who marry and then later find out they are gay. In this case, the husband ended up with another guy and the wife actually is in a relationship with another woman. They had a son, I believe. And when Oprah asked how others felt (about his parents divorcing and being gay, etc.), the kid was like "that's their problem, not mine." The kid seemed very intelligent, well-adjusted, loved both of his parents (and their partners) and, by the way, has a girlfriend.

I thought Oprah did a good job of putting to rest some of the stereotypical ideas out there about gay relationships and the children of gay individuals. It remains to be seen what the goal of GMA is regarding their upcoming show.

[Canuckistanian]

16. Is this the burning topic of the week?

Pretty sad.

What a culture of denial, ignorance and homophobia.

[slackmaster]

17. I'm a man, and I didn't even know I had a husband

If he's gay that will be a real situation for me.

[davsand]

18. So, Lesbians never marry straight men?

Seems like a horrible TV discussion in any form, but it just amazes hell out of me that the idea eludes people that lesbians marry straight men sometimes too.

I have known couples of either mix that have faced this and it was never easy for any of them. Lots of hurt, sadness, and anger on all sides. For sure it isn't the stuff for TV talk shows with cheering crowds and leering hosts.



Laura

[Critters2]

24. Hurt, sadness and anger

but REALLY GREAT ratings!!

:banghead:

I've counseled some folks in these situations. Too painful for the morning talk shows, for sure!

[hunter]

35. I had a girlfriend who was a Lesbian.

She was the last to know. I think I was the second to the last to know. She was in such a state of denial that she could have sex with another woman and it would always be something that "just happened" even though she'd deliberately put herself into situations where stuff just happened. She was especially fond of "rescuing" women who had extraordinary personal problems.

Truth be told, I was probably one of her rescues, but the wrong sex. She and I never had sex, and she considered herself a virgin and she was very religious and saving herself for marriage.

I'm not sure what my problem was, except that I was young, ignorant, oblivious, attracted to very intelligent women, and ever hopeful that some miracle would happen and things would change somehow.

If we'd married it would have been a train wreck. As it was, "hurt, sadness and anger" don't even begin to describe our crash-and-burn breakup.

[Midlodemocrat]

39. I have a neighbor who just left her husband after realizing that she is gay.

Two kids. It makes me so angry that people have to surpress something natural in order to conform to this stupid society and others get hurt in the process.

[Madspirit]

31. Ummm

No one makes these people go on these trashy-assed shows.
Lee

[karlrschneider]

19. I'm pretty sure mine is.

:D
:evilgrin:

[tinfoilinfor2005]

22. Unfortunately, mine doesn't have a gay bone in his body.

Anyone would know that if they saw how he dresses himself.

[Madspirit]

32. Time to Call

Gay Eye for a Straight Guy...
Lee

[illinoisprogressive]

23. I don't know, let me ask him...lol

[Blue-Jay]

25. If you catch him sucking someone's dong, he might be gay.

[Cha]

27. Not one bit surprised..that's

the state of our fuckingmediawhores TODAY.

[Telly Savalas]

28. Well, if you're a man, you better damn well hope your husband is gay.

[Roon]

29. I hang out in Yahoo's hiv room

Most of the chatters in there are heterosexual women with bi boyfriends.

[Recursion]

33. Easy one: does he have sex with men?

If so, you just might be married to a gay guy.

[DesertRat]

34. May 1st starts sweeps month

They'll pull out all the stops to get you to watch.

[Nikki Stone1]

36. Now women across American will look suspiciously at husbands who actually put laundry in the hamper

and who vacuum.

So sad...

[Bassic]

37. That's lurid indeed.

Adn fucking disgraceful

[mnhtnbb]

40. Good reason not to watch these shows. They used to wait 'til the afternoon

for this kind of stuff.