Salon: This is what a sexless marriage feels like

[katty]

Salon: This is what a sexless marriage feels like

MORE:http://open.salon.com/blog/and_yet/2009/05/11/this_is_what_a_sexless_marriage_feels_like

This post is not about virtue. It is not an ask for sympathy. It attempts to explore what I've learned about sex and sexuality since sex ended within my long-term relationship. I won't say much about why, because half of it is not my story to tell and I have no right. Just know that because of illness and after sharing a normal, monogamous, sexually active relationship for nearly a decade, my spouse suddenly lost the need, desire, and passion for sex.

When sex disappears like that, you don't necessarily know it at the time. There's no announcement. No resetting of hormones for each of you. No discussion that starts with, "I'm thinking I'll never want to have sex again. Are you ok with this?" It's just gone. One day, perhaps months or years later, you realize that the last time you had sex together was the last time you’d ever have sex together.

As I’ve gone through these years without a sexual connection to my spouse, sexual desire did not fade within me. I still think about sex and long for it, I still dream about it, and fantasize. I do try to minimize overt exposure to what can make it harder. I don’t read the OS dirty haikus on Thursday and I never read sensual erotica. I look away during sex scenes in films. I no longer engage in “how’s your sex life” conversations with friends.

[UndertheOcean]

1. This is sad :(

[ProfessorGAC]

10. Why?

Why is love and sex synonomous?
GAC

[Warren DeMontague]

14. Obviously, for some people, it is a vital, core component of a working relationship.

If you don't feel that way, bully for you, although you might want to air that piece of information with your partner before making an ostensibly lifelong commitment with 'em.

[SeattleGirl]

15. I didn't think she was saying that at all. What I got from it was that

for her, sex is an extension of love, and without it, she is unable to completely express herself and her feelings.

[JVS]

18. I don't know. It's like autumn. There is a time for all things to come to their end.

[MindPilot]

2. Work will do that to a person. n/t

[Lilith Velkor]

34. So will menopause.

[Bunny]

3. It seems like an awful existence, for her. I wonder what keeps her in the marriage.

Without knowing the whole story, it's not really clear why she stays.

[nomorenomore08]

6. I think the vagueness is the point. It "universalizes" the issue, rather than making it too personal

:shrug:

[Thothmes]

24. Maybe the concept that the vows of marriage are worth

living by. Because of my wifes ill health (2 massive strokes have left her paralyzed and blind), sex has been out of our marriage for 15 years. Still married, still love her and could not under any circumstances visualize a life with out her. Some solace in the fact that the importance of sex diminishes somewhat with age though.

[Dorian Gray]

26. Exactly

If my husband and I were suddenly unable to have sex because of an illness on his part, I would not consider leaving him. I love him way too much. It would be difficult, though, of course. But temptation doesn't mean that I don't love him.

[leftofthedial]

4. the world is full of holes

go find one.

[nomorenomore08]

5. Considering this was apparently written by a heterosexual woman, I think you're a little off...

;)

[leftofthedial]

13. I apologize for my sophomoric and thoughtless response.

Having once "lived" in a loveless and sexless marriage for many years, I should have been more sensitive and less cynical. In any case, I should have been less crude.




But still, I'm just sayin' . . .

[Warren DeMontague]

20. Actually, it sounds reminiscent of anecdotal tales of "lesbian bed death" I've heard in LGBT circles

there's no indication that the relationship is hetero or otherwise. :shrug:

[nomorenomore08]

22. You could be right... I guess I was just thinking of erectile dysfunction.

nt

[Warren DeMontague]

16. Yes, but how many does it take to fill the Albert Hall? nt

[Art_from_Ark]

31. I believe the answer to that is

4000 holes from Blackburn, Lancashire

[nomorenomore08]

7. I would just say "Get that man some Viagra!" but I don't if it's that simple.

This piece does leave one with an awful lot of questions...

[Bunny]

9. She mentions illness, maybe it's that "in sickness and health" thing.

[Deja Q]

8. Well, mine are up for grabs.

There's too much in life that's interesting just to get some hormones in the way. The media often reports what happens when people misuse their hormones anyway. It's best not to have them.



Now if anybody wants to prove me wrong... Just try it. :bounce:

[Blasphemer]

11. Well.... why not opt for emotional but not sexual monogamy?

If the situation is not resolvable for whatever reason, they should consider changing the terms of their marital arrangement. If sex, for whatever reason (whether related to an illness or not), is no longer a necessary part of one partner's life but is vital to the other partner's happiness, opening up the relationship should be given serious consideration. If they are happy with all other aspects of their partnership and have trust in that, one partner fulfilling sexual needs outside of the relationship might be the best solution.

[anigbrowl]

12. So consult a relationship counselor and work what you wanna do. Yawn.

[JVS]

17. Locking

Sex thread.

[LostInAnomie]

19. I've been in a realtionship where we were no longer having sex.

It lasted for about a year. I hoped something would change but it never did. Eventually, the resentment tore us apart.

The knowledge that sex is never going to happen consumes you. You resent them for not even trying to meet your needs, and that resentment turns into moments of hatred.

The only thing I've ever heard Dr. Phil say that ever had any value is that when you are in a relationship with a satisfying sex life, sex is only 10% of the relationship. When you are in a relationship with an unsatisfying sex life, sex becomes 90% of your relationship.

[Turborama]

21. I thought this piece was going to be an analogy with Obama's presidency

And how some people aren't 'getting off' on it as much as they had hoped...

[TheUnspeakable]

27. so did I !!! LOL !!

like, you married someone real hot, and you were all excited-and then they never want to have sex!

[tkmorris]

23. I don't think anyone can know until you've been there

At least that's the best excuse I can come up with for a few of the less empathetic replies here. A thing like this can turn the best relationship in the world into... something else. It doesn't have to be the end of the world but it's certainly not as easy as saying "so what? Love isn't about sex" or just finding someone else. Have a heart folks.

[SmileyRose]

25. Been there,doing that.

It's has it's problems. It has it's benefits. Like anything else in life that's not perfect. I'm over 50. My last sex was at 17 before my husband and totally not what I expected. Call it midlife crisis but it's bothering me a lot more lately. We may have to have the "open marriage" talk but I can't decide.

[seabeyond]

28. .

this is interesting and so not my business and i havent had enough coffee, but you put it out. you are saying you are over 50, last time you had sex was at 17 and now over 50 you are lookin at open marriage?

i read like three times, and it seems clear

but this is an example of how uniquely different we all are and our experiences. i bet this has a story.

[SmileyRose]

29. You did not misunderstand

I know it sounds impossible.

We were both raised devout "save yourself for marriage" christians and I was so grateful the man would love me even though I was damaged goods. (I know it was stupid but the brainwashing of childhood works)

On the wedding night I was all ready to have at it and discovered the reason he's a perfect gentleman is because he really genuinely has absolutely no sexual desires at all. I have never regretted staying. Other than the bedroom he is the most perfect husband any woman could ever beg for. I really mean that.

To be honest, I highly doubt I'll ever even broach the subject with him. And even if I did, I can't even imagine going through with it. Every once in a while I talk about it to a trusted friend, or my sister, or anonymously.

I've been condemned and belittled more than once at the very notion of even considering such a thing. But once in a while I speak up when a thread like this comes along on various places on the net, or in personal real life conversation - because the reminder that Love has it's own mind and no one understands a marriage except the 2 people in it is always valuable.

[Lorien]

30. ....

:hug:

Your story makes me really sad. The same thing happened to a friend of mine; she married a man with no sexual desire at all. and she's now over 50 and wants out (he is NOT a wonderful husband in any other way). Most human beings need to feel a physical connection to someone else. My father was a sex therapist for many years so I grew up being told that sex with someone you love is essential to physical and mental health. I know that many will disagree with that, but the thousands of marriages broken over the issue that my father counseled over 40 years seem to support it. I know from the cases that he worked with that open marriages rarely worked-sometimes, but not very often. Has your husband had a full hormonal profile done? Perhaps balancing his hormones and seeing a therapist could help the situation. Best of luck to you both, whatever you decide.

[seabeyond]

32. there is reality and there is pretend

"never regretted staying"

"most perfect husband "

most ALL of us has gone periods we did not have sex. it isnt the end of the world. your period is just longer than most all of us, lol. no condemnation, no belittling. this is your journey, as you see fit. perfectly imperfect and a lot of blessing even in lack, from what you say.

hubby and i are approaching 50, we still enjoy each other. i hear so many say, after time boring. i say, then you arent doing something right cause it gets better. BUT i do know that if the time came, and sex wasnt available... wouldnt be the end of the world, not even, not kinda. there is so much in life that makes me happy. and hubby makes me happy. with or without. i certainly can appreciate all i have without actual sex.

i also understand as you look back and forward, the feeling of missing out.

hugs to you

[DU GrovelBot]

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