Onion: Blagojevich Just Getting Started

[kevsand]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/blagojevich_just_getting

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Hoo, boy, if you thought Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich had finished soliciting bribes from state officials, shamelessly defying federal investigators, and generally acting like a megalomaniacal lunatic, you'd better think again. The crazy bastard, sources confirmed Monday, is just getting warmed up. "I will not relinquish my position as governor, and I will continue to fight these outrageous allegations," Blagojevich said Tuesday, referring to the multiple counts of fraud and extortion being leveled against him, and hinting at a range of other insanely illegal activities you wouldn't believe if he told you. "I know the good people of the state of Illinois support my complete and total exoneration, and look forward to my possible 2016 presidential bid." As of press time, no one could believe the stones on this guy.

[On the Road]

1. That is Great

However, it was this headline that caused me to burst into laughter at work:

Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate

WASHINGTON—A team of nine specially trained handlers have successfully lured outgoing vice president Dick Cheney into a reinforced steel traveling crate in order to transport him back to his permanent enclosure in Casper, WY, official sources reported Monday. "He's a smart one. Once he sees the crate, he gets pretty nippy, but we've learned a few tricks over the years," chief VP wrangler Ted Irving breathlessly said while applying pressure to a deep gash on his forearm. "If we break a rabbit's legs and throw it in there, he will eventually go in to finish it off. Doesn't work with dead rabbits, though. Cheney only eats what he kills." Irving said that the latest vice presidential relocation went much more smoothly than September's diplomatic trip to Georgia, which was delayed for several hours after Cheney mauled three secret service agents and escaped inside the White House walls.

[XOKCowboy]

2. That's classic Onion.

:rofl:

[kevsand]

3. That one had me almost in tears... /nt

[Occam Bandage]

4. I love this continuing series they've got going:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/spider_eggs_hatch_in_bushs
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/single_engine_cessna
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/bush_tumbles_wildly_down
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/crocodile_bites_off_bushs
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/bush_passes_three_pound
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/bush_dragged_behind
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/bushs_eyelid_accidentally