Need my DU friends advice

[maseman]

A friend and colleague of mine had a tragic event last week. His daughter was at soccer practice where she collapsed and died. She was only seventeen. My colleague and I work fairly closely but I could not attend the funeral due to a wedding committment yesterday. (I play the organ.) The funeral was today so flowers are out. I feel that simply sending money to the fund they set up is boring and not enough. What do I do to let he and his family know we are thinking about them? A card, send a fruit basket (I know he eats a lot of fresh fruit), etc. Help.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Are they Catholic?

[maseman]

3. Jewish

I'm the Catholic so I don't really know what the Jewish culture is either. Although I don't think they attend any services on a regular basis.

[AlCzervik]

6. you could get them a mass card, even though their faith is different then yours

many times those can be a comfort.

[Midlodemocrat]

7. Reason I asked is that I regularly give

rosary beads made from the flowers at the service to folks who have lost a loved one. It has become a tradition for me to do so. I got them when my own parents died.

Sorry for your friend's loss. I am sure they are beyond devastated.

[maseman]

10. I can't imagine losing a child

I have two and it really makes me ill. I lost a girlfriend of natural causes when I was 20 years old. That was really tough but now with kids it seems even more awful.

[Midlodemocrat]

12. Me either. It was hard enough sending my eldest to college last week.

[JerseygirlCT]

30. How observant? Are they sitting shiva?

You could go and sit with them for a while. I imagine the human touch would be very welcome right now.

Did their daughter have a special interest? (Soccer?) Could you make a gift that would reflect that?

If they are sitting, and you do go, maybe bring some fruit with you then. They're likely to have tons of food around anyway, from other well-wishers, but it would still be nice.

[polichick]

2. Find out if there is a charity the family has asked people to contribute to.

[maseman]

5. That just doesn't seem like enough

Any Joe Smoe could donate a few hundred bucks. It doesn't seem to me to show much. Kind of like sending an email thank you versus a hand written card.

[polichick]

9. I guess it depends on how much the charity meant to the one who died...

When a young relative of mine was killed in a car accident, we were happy that people contributed to the organization he volunteered with.

[maseman]

11. Thank you

I see your point.

[deadmessengers]

4. A phone call.

A call, just to talk. The calls I received after my mom passed earlier this year meant more than anything else.

[maseman]

8. Maybe I will wait a few days

Today was the funeral. Once family starts leaving is when they get the real full blow of loss.

[sandnsea]

13. Food, house cleaning service,

offer to take any other children to a zoo or lake or some other distracting place for an afternoon. Just be there because people have a tendency to fade away after a week or so and the suffering sure doesn't end in a week.

[livetohike]

14. When my Dad died, many friends and relatives sent food

(some home made, some store bought). They just dropped it off at the house and said they were thinking of us and extended their sympathy....My Mom (and all of us) really appreciated the gesture.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

15. They're Jewish

No Mass card, no rosary. That kind of thing, while kindly intentioned, is offensive. Like sending a pork roast to a Muslim (or Jewish) funeral.

Find out how long they're sitting Shiva - this is when the family gathers at the family home and receives visitors, usually starting the day after the funeral - they do nothing, no cooking, no cleaning, nothing. It is a time set aside simply to mourn. This is a very important part of the Jewish religion.

You find out when they're sitting Shiva, what the hours are when the family is receiving visitors, and you go, taking along something like a good box of candy - sweets to counteract the sour sadness - and you visit with them. You talk with them about the girl, and you stay for a while, paying respect.

That's the proper thing to do, and it will be greatly appreciated.

[maseman]

17. Thanks Tang

I had forgotten about Shiva. Great advice. I am about 500 miles away could do the drive this week.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

42. 500 MILES???!!!

They would surely understand if you simply wrote a letter and made a donation to their favorite charity. I know they would. That's a long distance.

But if you went, imagine how you would fill their hearts. It would be a wonderful thing.

Whatever you do, your heart is in the right place, and your decision will be perfect.

[thunder rising]

16. I think a death trumps wedding. Since you didn't see if another organist could be found

I take it there's not a great deal of closeness. Donate to the fund and send a card.

[rubberducky]

18. All heart aren`t ya. How do YOU know that the OP didn`t try to find another organist?

Do YOU know the specific circumstances this poster found himself in? Judge not......

[maseman]

26. I actually struggled with this

I found out about the death about an hour before the rehersal on Friday. We had some unique pieces including I had to accompany my wife who was the vocal soloist. Finding an available organist on an August Saturday is very tough since...well they all have weddings to play.

I figured that I could match a horrible event, the death, with helping a lovely bride and groom with a little part of the happiest day of their lives. That was sort of my way a dealing with this.

Part of the problem is they live 500 miles away. I've never met his family. This day in age you can work closely with people through travel yet not knwo them well on a personal level. Sounds strange I know.

[rubberducky]

39. You do not ever need to explain your reactions.

Please know that most of us feel for you. I went to one teen funeral, My heart breaks for anyone else who must attend one. Please take care and give your co-worker someone to talk to. The MOST important thing to your co-worker will be to talk. Listen with a very, very compassionate ear. That will mean more than any dollar amount that you could contribute anywhere.Take your friend to lunches, dinners or whatever. Just BE THERE. You could give $1,000 in her name, but it won`t compare to you just listening. My dear friend`s daughter was murdered at 16. I learned that your friend just needs to talk. Many times over, and over and over. That`s OK. Just listen.

[happy2day]

19. Can not imagine

I can not imagine losing any of my 4 Children or Grandson
Did you talk to them on the phone since the tragedy ?

[maseman]

27. No

The father sent an email blast to a whole host of people explaining the tragedy and thanking people for their thoughts and prayers. I sent a quick note back but decided I would call after the funeral Monday or Tuesday.

[ilovemesomechickens]

20. holy jeebus.

the cold from your post gave me chills.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

43. That's cold,

and I don't recall the OP asking for advice on the choice he made. You decide what is "close" and what isn't?

Bite me.

[bananas]

21. Hugs. nt

[ColbertWatcher]

22. I couldn't respond earlier when I read this ...

... as it is too hard for me to think about.

But, the sharing of food and offer to do housework is probably the best.

Maybe if you offered to do something for the soccer team?

[Stop Cornyn]

23. Donation to local children's hospital in her honor? Plant a tree in her name at her high school?

Memorial scholarship fund to benefit sibling?

[maseman]

28. I saw th obit which mentioned a scholarship

That seems to be the family's request for donations.

[57chevy]

24. My best friend from HS lost his son,

I found it good to give him space and time to mourn. I waited several weeks before taking him out for a beer and just listening to him. I didnt try to advise him, just listen. This situation is different from yours as we were able to attend the funeral but I believe a note saying you are thinking about them would suffice until they tend to their grief.

[KharmaTrain]

25. Donations And A Visit...

I'm Jewish and funerals are a time not just to remember the loss, but to honor the person. I'd strongly encourage a donation to their chosen charity...they obviously set it up for her memory.

I'd also find out if the family is "sitting shiva"...several days where friends come to visit to either offer sympathies or just to keep the famiy company in their time of grief. You don't need to bring a thing...just being there is all that matters.

If you're not able to do that, a follow up phone call or note once the funeral is over is also a good thing. The month after such a big loss is a difficult time and after all the attention, it gets quiet, sometimes too quiet. I know I appreciated a friendly call...just to say hello and find out if there was something I needed.

[maseman]

29. Thanks Karma

I think this is basically the route I will take. I think I'll go hug my kids.

[KharmaTrain]

32. Definitely

Not sure if this is the same person, but I heard a story on the local news the other day about a young soccer player from Glenbrook North High School.

Words can never describe the loss of a child...my mother lost one and each day I always find myself being thankful about mine being healthy and able to chase their dreams. Definitely go and hug them...they grow fast...and life is very precious. Always remember, these are the times to be there for the family...and just by showing your concern, it will mean a great deal.

Cheers...

[maseman]

34. Yes that is the one

[KharmaTrain]

36. My Wife Sent A Donation...

She saw it on the news and then saw the article in the paper. We're in the Chicago area and know the area very, very well. My wife is involved in several local groups that work with young women and whenever something this tragic happens, she wants to show support for the family.

Thank you for your concern...you're doing a very good thing in light of such a tragedy.

[maseman]

38. That's awesome

They are a great spirited family. For their privacy I don't want to go into much detail but I think what your wife did is great.

[LeftyMom]

31. When a friend's family suffered a loss recently, we bought them maid service.

The organizations they were involved with brought over more food than they could eat or store, but since they had relatives coming and going for the service, were dealing with grief and the financial impact, etc, it seemed like a nice gesture but also a practical one to help them out.

[noamnety]

37. I would definitely ask first on that one.

Some people would love that. Myself, I would feel it was intrusive - I don't want a stranger in my house when I'm not here, nor do I want them poking around me while I am here.

[LeftyMom]

44. I checked with a relative.

In that family's case, most of the survivors have health problems that made cleaning more trouble than normal, so it was definitely welcomed. And it was a gift card thing, so they could schedule times that worked for them with the company themselves.

[noamnety]

45. I'm glad that worked out well.

I didn't mean to criticize the suggestion, by the way, I think it's great - I just wanted to add the comment that what is a very welcome gift for some might not be for another, and inviting someone into their house should require checking first - which it sounds like you handled nicely.

[lonestarnot]

33. Can't you go over there and give the family some hugs and offer your support?

Maybe take some food, cooking is not fun when grieving but everyone has to eat some little something.

[maseman]

35. I can

It is a seven hour drive. I could go this week.

[lonestarnot]

41. I think you should go if you can swing it.

:hug: I am sorry for your friend's terrible tragedy. :cry: There must be nothing worse to endure in life than that.

[renate]

40. just to reiterate what 57chevy and KarmaTrain said

If they have lots and lots of visitors and phone calls now, a phone call or note in a few weeks would be especially appreciated, once life goes back to normal for friends and neighbors but not for the family. The phone calls and notes really drop off but the grief can be even more intense than it was at first, after the shock wears off.

When you talk to him, ask how he and his family are doing/coping. In a work situation, it may be easier to ask simple "yes/no" questions so you can pick up on whether he wants to talk about it then--for example, whether he's sleeping okay. Don't be afraid to bring up her name--it's not as though losing her will have slipped his mind. Most of his friends and coworkers will hesitate to mention her because they think it'll cause added pain--that's well-intentioned but not quite true, because your friend will certainly be in pain anyway, and it'll really help him and his family to know that their loss hasn't been forgotten.

I'm so sorry to hear this story--how sad. Your friend and his daughter are in my thoughts.

[knitter4democracy]

46. No one's going to feel like cooking.

I'd send a few restaurant gift cards (ones with takeout) in with the card if they live far away or take over some homemade food if they're nearby.

[MiniMe]

47. Have you ever heard of Edible Bouquets?

You can get fruit arrangements that are made to look like a bouquet of flowers. Somebody sent one to our office once, the fruit is really good. I think it makes a unique gift. They even have condolence arrangements.

http://www.ediblearrangements.com/