The Top Ten John Hagee Controversial Historical Theories

[Bucky]

Cross posted from GDP, where no one appreciates my wit and refinement.

The Top Ten John Hagee Controversial Historical Theories

Folks, this whole "God used Hitler's Holocaust to Push Jews toward Founding Israel" ruckus is only the tip of the iceberg. The good Reverand Hagee has, it turns out, a number of contoversial view points that could have embarrassed John McCain's campaign.

10. God used small pox to push American Indians into the gaming industry as a means of propping up the economy in Midwestern states.

9. God doesn't like you eating Cheetohs. This view was a particular threat to party unity as many McCain advisors are known to have ties to the influential corn chips lobby (FATPAC).

8. God uses dogs to chase cats up trees.

7. Every time you masturbate, an angel gets his wings.

6. Hillary Clinton is a terminator cyborg sent from the future to kill hope itself. Wait, sorry, that one's from my "Top Ten Dumbfuck GDP Theories" list.

5. God used Mary Crosby to shoot J.R.

4. God uses No Child Left Behind standardized tests to pick which angels become archangels and which angels have to go back and repeat the Cherub grade. Jesus, of course, blows the curve on the final every year.

3. God uses dingos to punish Australian babies.

2. As a corollary to the belief that the Roman Catholic Church is the "Great Whore," it is also believed that the E! Entertainment Network is the "Great Pimp."

And the number one John Hagee Controversial Historical Theory...

1. God uses blowhard televangelists to encourage people to turn off the TV, go outside, live a little, and vote Democratic.

Don'tcha see? It's all part of the plan!