Translations from Conservatese

[Lyric]

"The media has a liberal bias!"
Translation: The media challenges my preconceived notions and blanket generalizations, and that makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable. If a media outlet does not parrot back my own prejudices and bigotries, then they are obviously part of the Vast Left-Wing conspur...cunspeer...oh fuck it. Fox News is my blankie. *snuggles blankie*

"I just don't like gay people who "rub it in my face" all the time!"
Translation 1: I want to discriminate against you comfortably and securely, and when you do things that lend evidence to our common humanity, I get that icky guilt feeling. Knock it off, dammit!
Translation 2: I am deeply closeted and intensely jealous that you are not. Also, I have a sexual obsession with box turtles.

"We might not have found those WMD's, but they WERE there! Saddam just moved them before we could find them!"
Translation: I desperately NEED to believe that the WMDs were actually there, because my ego cannot tolerate the notion of being "wrong". Therefore I shall plug my ears and sing "God Bless America" every time I hear something that threatens my manufactured view of reality. GOOOD BLESS AMERICA!

"We need to bring GOD back into our schools!"
Translation: I am a control freak and a coward who is terrified that my children will find out that there are people who live perfectly happy and moral lives without the threat of eternal torture hanging over their heads. If that happens...dear GOD, there could be DANCING!

"Gay marriage is unnatural and should be kept illegal!"
Translation: I desperately want to have something that other people cannot, because it makes me feel special and l33t.

"Abortion is wrong, and should be outlawed altogether FOREVER! But the death penalty is A-Okay!"
Translation 1: I have never read the definition of "hypocrite". In fact, I probably can't read at all.
Translation 2: I am a man, and I don't like women thinking they can "make the rules" for themselves. The thought of a woman being permitted to voluntarily reject my seed makes my Man Parts shrivel.
Translation 3: I am a woman who is either infertile or extremely unattractive, and I am insanely jealous that I cannot get pregnant even though I want to, and other women CAN get pregnant but choose to terminate said pregnancy. They shouldn't be allowed to refuse what I so desperately want, but cannot have. SO THERE!
Translation 4: I have microscopic self-esteem and a punishment fetish, and it makes me feel special and admirable when other people endure consequences that *I*, thanks to my blessed state of moral perfectness, have never suffered. Also, I still wet the bed.

"Affirmative action is just discrimination in reverse! All races are "equal" now--why should some get "special rights"??"
Translation 1: I am a white person who is incredibly ignorant of my own privilege in our society, and have never even considered what it must be like to be a racial minority in the USA. Empathy and social justice are foreign concepts to me. Excuse me while I drag my woman back to the cave by her hair.
Translation 2: I am secretly a rabid racist, but I'm far too cowardly and fearful of the consequences to admit that out loud.
Translation 3: My mediocre white kid was rejected by a college that employs affirmative action policies. Now I'm looking for someone, ANYONE, to blame, because blaming myself and/or my mediocre kid is out of the question.

Feel free to add your own!

[Gormy Cuss]

1. Democrats don't believe in personal responsibility

Democrats don't believe in personal responsibility
Translation 1: Got mine, screw you. As long as I'm taking care of Number 1 then I'm doing my part.
Translation 2: Why should my money garnered from my hard work be used to reward those lazy people? It's their own damn fault that the they didn't leave their homes before the levees broke, that they didn't have $100,000 in the reserve account to pay for that expensive medical care, that their apartment building burned down because the guy in unit 7B fell asleep while smoking, etc.

[Lyric]

2. Ooooh, the old "Personal Responsibility" line.

A longstanding conservative favorite. I think translation #1 is particularly apt. "Got mine, screw you" sums it up perfectly.

[FiveGoodMen]

16. Or most of the time: "Sure I'm gonna get mine soon. Screw you in advance."

All 'Murkins think they're about to become rich.

[Echo In Light]

3. Good! However, there isn't a "liberal" media that is part of the establishment media apparatus

Something within it may offend the completely indoctrinated right winger, but is overall a closely managed corporate/state propaganda megaphone, supporting the interests and political aims of those who own and manage it.

[Lyric]

4. Of course. But...

...your intelligent and well-articulated response would make the average Freeper's head asplode. Too many big words. I was trying to stick to the pathetic semi-synapses that they call "thoughts". :hi:

[Echo In Light]

5. lol okay...the media disinfo is often my central concern...

For without it - that is, if we actually had a properly functioning fourth estate to keep checks and balance between power and the people, to encourage critical thought and healthy public discourse concerning events of public importance - this govt would be incapable of selling their poison jive to anyone. Thanks though...

[Chulanowa]

6. Here we go...

"I want smaller government!"
Translation 1: I heard Reagan say this once, so it must be holy writ. I have no idea what he meant.
Translation 2: I want to eliminate social services and the Judicial branch and install a military junta, so long as it's my team's military junta.
Translation 3: All we need is one guy calling all the shots!

"I'm sorry, but the poor / addicted / abused need to learn some personal responsibility!"
Translation: I have absolutely no empathy or understanding of those people who were not born into a life of luxury. I became a self-made man when I decided to climb out of my mothers womb unaided!

"Gay people just want special rights!"
Translation: "I cannot conceive of anyone who isn't just like me having the same rights I do"

"Global warming is a hoax"
Translation: Al Gore said something, so I have to disagree with it or they'll revoke my GOP membership.

"We need to return America to its founding roots!"
Translation: I am a poor study of history, and think the United States was founded in 1950 by the Disney Corporation

"The Islamofascists hate us for out freedoms. We have to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here!"
Translation: Yeeeeehaw, hey maw, lookit all them thar dead ay-rabs! Woo-ee but that's a big ol' naked man pyramid!

"The flag is sacred and must not ever be defaced. It must adorn all surfaces of our politicians to display their patriotism to us"
Translation: My own patriotism is weak and shallow, and revolves around visible, obvious symbols and shiny lights.

"We should keep fighting until the job is done! Anything else is surrender!"
Translation 1: Neither myself nor my children will ever even so much as smell the faintest whiff of basic training.
Translation 2: My view of warfare is mostly influenced by the grim realities portrayed in all four Rambo movies.

"I reserve the rights to automatic weaponry because we need to be the front line against our tyrannical government!"
Translation 1: I plan to lead a terrorist organization to unleash a hail of gunfire upon the next Democratic president, their families, and their supporters.
Translation 2: Red Dawn is a documentary. Like mighty Patrick Swayze and his Wolverines, I will play manly, manly football in between obliterating a highly-trained and heavily armed force that outnumbers me a hundred to one, with nothing other than my trusty hunting rifle, Bessy.

"This country needs to be run like a corporation"
Translation: Republicans are good. Republicans like big business. Therefore big business must be good! I myself have never been involved in the managing of a corporation, and I throwaway the section of the paper that tells me about the scandals and corruption in those positions. Bo-oring!

"The illegal immigrants are what's causing our problems. We need to build a moat and land mine the southern border!"
Translation 1: Mexicans don't know how to use an airplane!
Translation 2: I cannot conceive that bad business practice and neoliberal deregulation has brought us to this point in our economy. I need a scapegoat, and I'm going to blame José who I see out there picking cabbages. Hell no I won't take his job, but I will throw this beer bottle at him!
Translation 3: My white-assed ancestors invaded and slaughtered the original inhabitants of this country. It was hard work but they did it, exterminating all those damned injuns from coast to coast, destroying their culture and lives, kidnapping their children and forcing them to worship the Christian god and accept the English language under penalty of beatings and maimings. I will not allow their efforts to be undermined by Spanish-language packaging on my doritos!

[Lyric]

9. Brilliant!

I'm envious. We should co-write a book!

:rofl: :thumbsup:

[Kali]

12. ....

"We need to return America to its founding roots!"
Translation: I am a poor study of history, and think the United States was founded in 1950 by the Disney Corporation.

and

I will not allow their efforts to be undermined by Spanish-language packaging on my doritos!
:spray:

[leftyclimber]

7. Oo! Oo! I've got one!

"All you need to succeed in life is ambition. People who do not succeed in life are unambitious."

Translation (with apologies to Wiley): I started from nothing. Nothing, that is, but my eight-million dollar inheritance and a guaranteed job at the family firm.

[Lyric]

10. Ha! Very true.

If the only thing necessary for success is ambition, Dubya would actually be able to read his OWN bedtime stories by now.

;)

[lame54]

8. "Vote Republican"...

Translation: Give us your money

[Lyric]

11. More like "We'll be TAKING your money"

And your house. And your car. And your job. And your military-aged children. And probably your dog too, because we've heard he's shaggy and brown, and the DHS would like to have a few words with him...

[The Doctor.]

13. "Liberals hate America!"

Translation 1; I don't like people who understand complicated things like the Constitushun, they make me feel inferior and stupid.
Translation 2; I believe what I'm told to believe, because I'm also told that I love America.
Translation 3; Really, I hate America because it's supposed to treat blacks, gays, women, and other people I think I should be afraid of fairly, and my very fragile ego can't reconcile equality without harming my false sense of superiority... so I'm really just projecting.

[jmondine]

14. Here's another "abortion is wrong" one

Women who have sex should be punished, and so should their children.

[jmondine]

15. And a few more

"Support our troops":
1. Support some vague notion of the troops as toy soldier automatons. Oppose any legislation that acknowledges their humanity and therefore threatens my little action movie fairy tale.
2. Support the neocon chickenhawks who send our troops into harm's way while sipping martinis with rich Saudi authoritarians.

"Freedom isn't free":
1. Slavery is freedom.

"Prayer should be allowed in schools, homosexuals should not, and neither should evolution":
1. I'm afraid of my kids finding out how much their parents suck.

"Liberals always blame America first":
1. I'm too stupid to know the difference between blame and responsibility.

"Republicans are stronger on security issues":
1. I'm too stupid to know the difference between bravery and gall.
2. I think that dropping bombs on a people will make them like you.
3. I WANT MY DADDY!!! WAAAAH!

[jmowreader]

17. Number three on the first one

"Support our troops":
3. Why don't you have a yellow ribbon on your car, you communist heathen?

[Rocknrule]

18. My turn:

"Obama is the Antichrist/won't protect us from terrorism/etc."
Translation 1: "Obama isn't white and has a funny sounding name, therefore he must be a Muslim and by extention a terra-ist!"
Translation 2: "I can't stand for America to be led by a n****r! Keep the White House white!"

[AuntPatsy]

20. You do realize that Faux has given that exact message? My husband

is a faithful viewer of that horrific so called news channel, he spouted the same and I know for a fact he got it from that channel....he had the gaul yesterday to tell me that they are an award winning news channel? He believes everything they spout and what scares me is that there are far too many like him who also believe....

[checks-n-balances]

19. These are not a bit humorous, but are still reliable translations

(Thanks for starting this thread!)

"The media has a liberal bias!"
Translation: Since we can't control everything in the media, we'll bully it until they're scared of being branded as "liberal," so they'll go out of way to compromise the truth and act like our mouthpieces

"I want smaller government!"
Translation: I've been brainwashed into believing that we have no obligation to pay our fair share of taxes for the sake of the greater good

"Global warming is a hoax"
Translation: If we say this loudly and often enough, our corporations will forever be free of environmental protections and put obscene profits before stewardship of the earth and human rights

"We need to return America to its founding roots!"
Translation: Those were the good ol' days, when the world was "black & white" (i.e., not "grey") and before all those "different" people got so uppity

"We have to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here!"
Translation 1: Our government is taking away our freedoms over here so we can't revolt against taking away other peoples' freedoms over there!

Translation 2: We're fighting over there so we can distract the people over here from realizing we've declared war on them

"This country needs to be run like a corporation"
Translation: Let's funnel all the profits to the top & charge (through the nose) everybody else at the bottom for whatever crumbs are left to fight over