Breaking News: Dick Cheney shatters the world record for the 100 meter dash

[mtnsnake]

shaving more than 3 seconds off Justin Gatlin's previous record.

The AP is reporting that Cheney ran the 100 meters in 6 seconds flat after a bomb exploded a few miles away from the military base in Afghanistan where Cheney had been holed up for the night. As Cheney bolted from his bed to his plane after being awoken by the loud boom, witnesses said they heard him screaming, "Get me the fuck off of this base and outta here. RIGHT NOW!!!%@!!"

Cheney's dash to his plane was inadvertently timed when a guard, one who just happened to be taking some videos of wild Afghan chipmunks in the vicinity, caught the entire incident on tape. Measurements were then made from Cheney's bed to his plane, and the actual distance was 100.8 meters, confirming that Cheney had indeed set a new record.

One soldier said the vice president's dash created a blazing streak of light similar to that made by Chevy Chase when he zipped down that icy hill on his greased saucer in "Christmas Vacation".

Another witness who witnessed Cheney's record-setting dash said the vice president left a gaping hole measuring 4 feet in diameter in a concrete security wall that stood between Cheney's room and his plane.

Congratulations, Dick! You're the fastest man in the world!!

mtnsnake

[qanda]

1. Hilarious

I can imagine it actually being the case.

[underpants]

2. wild Afghan chipmunks

:rofl:

[BlueJac]

3. I knew Dick was a coward!!!

6 deferments for Vietnam.

I wouldn'd expect anything else from a man like Dick.

[w8liftinglady]

4. LOL!!!Good one

[gatorboy]

5. I KNEW that record was in its 'Last Throes'!

:p

[TheCowsCameHome]

6. And the 6 seconds included a bathroom stop!

[LiberalFighter]

8. Did he leave that trail of liquid?

[mtnsnake]

13. An eyewitness just sent me this photo of the wall between his bedroom & the john

It was the first of the 3 holes the Vice President made on his way to setting the world record. Hard to believe but true.

[Theres-a]

19. !

K & R

[TahitiNut]

18. No 'evacuation' is complete ...

... unless it includes the bowels. :evilgrin: Sneer is long-practiced at bowel evacuation.

[Botany]

7. Secret Service sent out a call for clean underwear.

[terip64]

9. So happy to be the 5th recommendation!

[peekaloo]

10. BWAH!

:thumbsup:

[Atman]

11. Are you sure that wasn't the 100 Meter Squirt?

I bet that colostomy back was bustin' at the seams!

.

[Ilsa]

12. His bowels and trou were evacuated. nt

[NanceGreggs]

14. As my friend's aunt used to say ...

... "More true than funny."

:rofl: GREAT PIECE!!!

[jazzjunkysue]

15. Impossible.

Vampire images can't be captured on cheap video.


(#13 rec!)

[mtnsnake]

23. True, but still images of vampires can...

[Cass]

16. ROFL!

I love this place!

:rofl:

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

17. Was that loud clacking sound his heart valves about to burst?

Or was it the puckering and unpuckering of his frightened and cowardly sphincter muscles?

[Hubert Flottz]

20. See Dick...See Dick Run...Run Dick Run...Dick Runs Fast!

Ya just can't beat it!

[mcscajun]

21. OMG. That's one keyboard you owe me.

:spray: :spray:

[Evoman]

22. I felt the shockwaves of his sound-breaking run here in Canada.

For about 2 seconds, when the waves hit me, I felt like jailing Nelson Mandela. Then it quickly passed, and the only proof I have that it happened is slightly shrunken testicles.

[raccoon]

24. Did you compose this yourself? It's worthy of the Onion. nt

[mtnsnake]

25. haha, thanks

and yes, I did. :evilgrin:

[bluedeminredstate]

26. OMG that cracked me up!

Thanks for the belly laugh - especially the "photographic proof" that you included.
I would just love to hear Brian "I-am-so-fucking-serious-my-gravitas-is-about-to-kill-me" Williams read this on NBC news tonight. I think there would be a loud roar of laughter heard all over the U.S.

:rofl:

[AtomicKitten]

27. The mental image you have painted has caused

irreparable harm to my brain.