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ck4829 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 05:12 PM
Original message
How to become a Republican
1. Always be negative. Dont actually focus on the issue during a debate. Its much better to attack your opponent on a personal level. Character assassination is easier, more likely to make you look like you have the moral high ground, and allows you to avoid actually debating the issue.

2. Dismiss celebrity opinions. Explain to everyone that their opinion is that of Liberal Hollywood and thus out of touch with mainstream America, even though your position is just as far to the right as theirs is to left. An exception to this rule is allowed if it happens to be a conservative celebrity like Charleton Heston or Ted Nugent.

3. Do everything you can to win an election except for actually try to get more votes. Order recounts to be stopped if the Democrat appears to be winning. Gerrymander like theres no tomorrow.

4. Create an economic situation that bankrupts a states treasury and then launch a recall election against the Democratic governor for the financial troubles of the state.

5. Respect Vietnam Veterans. At least pretend to. Always explain your respect for the men and women who served in our armed forces, unless that individual happens to be a Democratic Senator. Channel all your funding to ousting the triple-amputees who served in Vietnam. Praise John McCain for his service to our country but dont apply the same respect for John Kerry.

6. Bring up September 11th as often as possible.

7. If a country disagrees with the U.S., forget all previous cooperation and friendship, regardless of the length of the alliance. Even if this country bankrupted its treasury and collapsed into anarchy so that the U.S. could be born, call them cowards, ostracize them, and rename its foods. Prey on peoples stereotypical views of the country. Threaten to punish it for disagreeing with you.

8. Blame Bill Clinton for everything except the peace and prosperity that occurred during his administration.

9. Make it very clear that disagreeing with the administration equals disloyalty. It worked out great for Hitler and Stalin. Condemn anyone who opposes the administration as being unpatriotic and preach the need to support our Commander-in-Chief in a time of crisis. More than likely someone will bring up how you did the exact opposite when President Clinton was in office, including while we were at war with Yugoslavia in 1999.

10. Never ever stop talking about Clintons impeachment and how he lied under oath. If anyone brings up that Reagan lied to Congress about Iran- Contra or that Bush lied to the American public at his State of the Union Address about Iraqs attempts at importing uranium, simply resort to Rule #6.

11. Always pledge your support to the Armed Forces. This wont require very much effort. You can still cut Veteran benefits and shut down as many VA hospitals as you want to. All you have to do is make sure you deliver speeches at Army bases with soldiers standing behind you. People will assume you are the party that supports the Military and you can still strip them of everything as soon as they are discharged.

12. Continue to spread the myth of the liberal media and how it distorts everything. Act like youve been victimized by it. Ignore the fact that in reality the media is more conservative than its ever been, with a multitude of right-wing AM radio hosts viciously attacking liberals for hours on end and Fox News leading the race between the three cable news channels spouting off conservative opinion as though it was fact.


14. Pretend all the wrongdoings of the Republican Party dont exist. Offer to provide billions in AIDS funding for Africa so that people dont remember the fact that you deliberately ignored the disease when all it was killing was gay people and you were calling it Gods punishment against homosexuals. Continually refer to yourself as the Party of Lincoln so everyone will forget that it was the liberal northerners who pushed the Civil Rights Act into law and that it was the conservatives in the South who were the ones turning fire hoses onto blacks in the streets of Montgomery.


16. If you cant find another way to attack a Democrat you dont like, play the adultery card. Preach family values. The fact that you cant keep your own family together is irrelevant.

17. Be sure to blame liberal culture for John Walker Lindh, but steadfastly deny that conservative culture contributed to Waco, the Jonesboro Massacre, Andrea Yates, Oklahoma City, or the killing of Matthew Shepherd.


25. When all else fails, just blame the liberals for all the woes of the nation, even if for six of the last seven years you've controlled the White House, the Pentagon, and both Houses of Congress. It might be difficult to do this, seeing how you oversee all legislative action, you run the military, and you are the ones who are overseeing the economy. Just try to blame the CIA. Its director was appointed by Clinton.


35. When referring the states that are traditionally Democratic, make them sound as though they're parasites sucking the blood out of the country. It works really well if you attach "liberal," in front it.
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emanymton Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 05:15 PM
Response to Original message
1. No. Thank You.
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abninf14 Donating Member (9 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 05:23 PM
Response to Original message
2. Peace Under Clinton?
Edited on Sat Mar-08-08 05:36 PM by abninf14
Bombing the **** out of Bosnia/Serbia. He got his wars too
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lpbk2713 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 05:24 PM
Response to Original message
3. First ... sell your soul.

Then the rest comes easy.

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Labors of Hercules Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 05:24 PM
Response to Original message
4. I am absolutely positive I could become a Republican...
Edited on Sat Mar-08-08 05:25 PM by Labors of Hercules
If I could just get past rule #1... and 2... and um... damn...

Guess it's really harder for a positive Democrat to be a Republican than I thought.

Who'da thunk?! :think:
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Ghost in the Machine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 05:30 PM
Response to Original message
5. Step One: Get your brains sucked out with a Shop Vac...
Step Two: Listen to Rush Gasbag and FUX Snooze

Much easier, huh?

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Democrats_win Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 05:38 PM
Response to Original message
6. Complain about B. Clinton then nominate drunken Bush cokehead & Fornicator McCain.
It would be hilarious that the Republican Party would do this if it weren't for the fact that these two are deeply unqualified to be president.

We will all suffer for the idiocy of the Republicans.
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 06:09 PM
Response to Original message
7. Too complicated. There's an easier way. Two, actually.
First way: get a flag pin, an "I support the troops" ribbon magnet and/or bumper sticker, and a lobotomy.

Second way: Go to a professional bullshitter, I mean, evangelical Christian pastor, and develop an unquestioning, unreasoning, and unchallengable belief in the Bible. This belief will also enable you to believe the entirety of the Republican party platform without any conflict whatsoever.
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zbdent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-08-08 06:31 PM
Response to Original message
8. On # 35 - it was here that I first heard
that the "red" states actually were the ones receiving more taxpayer $$$ from the Federal system than they ever put into the system ... a FACT confirmed when I looked it up in the World Almanac and Book of Facts ... California pays out more than $2 for every dollar they receive ...
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