Jesus releases another audio tape.

[Philosoraptor]

Dec. 29, 2007.

The CIA has confirmed the authenticity of yet another audio tape from mysterious spiritual leader Jesus the Christ. The self styled messiah and savior warned that the end of time is rapidly approaching, heralding the arrival of a new era of peace and harmony, and the final battle for all of mankind will take place at Armageddon any day now.

Amid rumors of his demise and confusion as to his whereabouts, cryptic audio tapes still are released every few months with dire warnings of impending doom and damnation. "Soon all of the Jews will convert to Christianity, the holy temples restored to their rightful owners, and the end of the world can go on as prophesied, according to My Father's plan". Jesus has not actually been seen in public in many years, sparking speculation of his death at the hands of fanatics, and causing some to suspect that the tapes are not authentic, but poorly produced fakes.

Jesus mentions "the Godless heathen Muslims" and his desire that they all be wiped from the earth like a plague of locusts in one glorious explosion of nuclear force, hastening the end of the world, and the beginning of the "new world", in which he will be the supreme leader over multitudes of the faithful.

From his vacation retreat at Camp David, president george w. bush stated that, "We are taking these new messages from Jesus Christ very seriously, and we will adhere to his instructions faithfully and immediately", and re-affirming his intentions to torture to death all Islamofascist terrorists that aren't immediately vaporized in the initial nuclear attack.

The tape ended with a stirring rendition of "Joy to the world", in which the lines, "Joy to the world, the Lord is come, let earth, receive, her King", figured prominently. To this day, the actual whereabouts of Jesus are hotly disputed, leading many to surmise that the tapes are not really Jesus at all, but elaborate fakes, produced by our enemies to confuse the faithful.

"I take the words of Jesus Christ very, very seriously", the president is quoted as saying.

[malaise]

1. Are you sure that's Jesus

or my Puerto Rican friend J(H)esus? :rofl:

[Philosoraptor]

2. His friends just call him "Zeus"

[malaise]

Or perhaps

Dr. Seuss?

[Philosoraptor]

5. The global war on Star Bellied Sneetches is surging forward.

[zabet]

3. O.M.G.!!!!

:rofl:

We are going to hell, you know.
:evilgrin:

[Philosoraptor]

4. All the really cool people are going to hell.

[zabet]

6. Then I am in

like Flynn. I am soooo
cool, I pee icicles.
:D

[KharmaTrain]

7. So That Old Saying IS True???

Jesus is Coming...everyone look busy. :rofl:

Careful with this post...it's sure to end up on the wingnut sites and they'll start chanting for the rapture. :rofl:

[whistle]

8. "Jesus mentions 'the Godless heathen Muslims' " sounds more like the sound bites of Rev Fred Phelps

...of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas. His church has the electronic studio and resourses to put on such a production

[Philosoraptor]

9. .....................

[Philosoraptor]

10. ............

[magellan]

11. We need a holy ghost-buster. n/t